I feel like I am going backwards.

I started student teaching 2 weeks ago, and I have been cooling it down with the drinking on the weekends, going out and socializing. As in the reality of it all, I don’t have any time for that. However, in the midst of all this reading, writing, taking notes and on the verge of preparing lesson plans, and what not… I feel more depressed than ever. It’s been 2 months and 2 weeks no contact, which I am happy with but, I feel lonelier then I have ever felt in my entire life. I have also, realized my self-confidence has plummeted. Essentially I have never had good self-confidence which probably was one of the many reasons why I allowed the a-hole in my life. I have battled with this all my life. My question is what can I do to gain real self-confidence? Real self-esteem? I have made many poor choices, however my heart has always led me to the right direction, and never to fully go down the path of self-destruction which I could easily have done, because I have no self-confidence. I feel like I am not good enough. Plain and simple. What can I do to rid this lie? I am realizing how I truly feel about myself throughout this whole life changing experience, and it’s scary. I never knew how much fear I had. I always had anxiety, and perhaps I have dealt with an undiagnosed depression stemming from my childhood. In which, all these emotions of sadness, loneliness, anger and shame are hitting me like a bag of bricks in the middle of finishing up my masters in teaching… which also, I am walking into a storm of change. Is this part of the process, realizing all these things? Sometimes I wish I can wiggle my nose, and it will all goo away. Or if I can rewind time, and say to myself NO, STOP, DON’T GO DOWN THAT ROAD!!!! If only I listened to my gut. But I know this is a learning experiencing, and hopefully in the future I will have a sense of what true inner happiness is like.

- Thank you for listening, and for aiding me through this emotionally turmoil time period!!! And thank you for sharing your stories, they help a great deal!!!