It has been a long and painful year. 11 months now since the D&D, 3 months NC. I don't know why, maybe it's moving to a new city and starting a new job, but I've been crying a lot again lately. I feel weak and wounded. I felt a lot better 2 months ago.. more positive.
Maybe I'm just reaching a new level of grieving now that the cycle of starting over in a new job and meeting new colleagues repeats itself. I realize now that I have been hurt so badly I don't even want to socialise with people and go out for drinks anymore. I feel tired and disillusioned.
This summer I went to see a few healers and psychics who made me feel a lot better and gave me a positive outlook for the future. Independently of each other they all said that I would meet someone new soon and that I would be very happy here in this new place.
Now yesterday I found a little shop here and got a psychic reading, just to get another positive outlook and brighten my mood basically. And what he said all sounded ok and made sense to me somehow. But then when I asked if he saw a new relationship on the horizon and he said: "not in the next 6 months, it would have shown up in the cards" when he said that I just fell into this big hole.
Because I realized he may be right.. because yes, actually, I don't even look at guys these days. I hide. I am disillusioned. I still need to heal. How am I going to meet someone that way?
It's been almost A YEAR, but he may be right... it may take me another 6 months... even longer... and these days I just lose hope.
I am almost 40, my longest relationship was with lying cheating dickhead of a narc, I don't have children, and right now it hits me that time is running away, yet I can do nothing except to try and heal.
I WANT to meet someone! I've been alone for so long. I was feeling so lonely last summer and that's when the narc smelled my neediness and charmed me into this HELL! All these months he pursues me and keeps me hooked and when we can finally be together he dumps my ass and I am alone again only WORSE than before!
I know I am not that old really but I just feel so tired these days...
I chatted with a girlfriend yesterday who got dumped in August by a non-narc, and she was happy and positive, and moving on. She is only 25 and gorgeous and I felt envious of her youth and enthusiasm and her quick recovery. Here I am still holding on to memories of this little idiot almost a year later... WTF???
Then in that weakened state last night, my best male friend shouts at me on the phone and hangs up on me with no reason other than a simple misunderstanding. No, he's not a narc, but he is very direct and harsh sometimes, and it just felt like a slap in the face. I saw him later that night, and he didn't even think it necessary to apologize. I feel hurt. I had a rough year and I don't need this kind of treatment from a good friend. I need to go over and talk to him about it I think, and I'm dreading the confrontation. But I need to learn to stand up for myself. I can not put up with any kind of mistreatment anymore. It's weird to notice how having to stand up for myself fills me with panic. I never noticed that before...
I just really hope that this feeling will pass.. I am so tired of crying and I don't want to become a disillusioned and bitter person! I want to be happy and full of life again!