I feel hopeless

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NarcJunkie's picture
I feel hopeless

It has been a long and painful year. 11 months now since the D&D, 3 months NC. I don't know why, maybe it's moving to a new city and starting a new job, but I've been crying a lot again lately. I feel weak and wounded. I felt a lot better 2 months ago.. more positive.
Maybe I'm just reaching a new level of grieving now that the cycle of starting over in a new job and meeting new colleagues repeats itself. I realize now that I have been hurt so badly I don't even want to socialise with people and go out for drinks anymore. I feel tired and disillusioned.
This summer I went to see a few healers and psychics who made me feel a lot better and gave me a positive outlook for the future. Independently of each other they all said that I would meet someone new soon and that I would be very happy here in this new place.
Now yesterday I found a little shop here and got a psychic reading, just to get another positive outlook and brighten my mood basically. And what he said all sounded ok and made sense to me somehow. But then when I asked if he saw a new relationship on the horizon and he said: "not in the next 6 months, it would have shown up in the cards" when he said that I just fell into this big hole.
Because I realized he may be right.. because yes, actually, I don't even look at guys these days. I hide. I am disillusioned. I still need to heal. How am I going to meet someone that way?
It's been almost A YEAR, but he may be right... it may take me another 6 months... even longer... and these days I just lose hope.
I am almost 40, my longest relationship was with lying cheating dickhead of a narc, I don't have children, and right now it hits me that time is running away, yet I can do nothing except to try and heal.
I WANT to meet someone! I've been alone for so long. I was feeling so lonely last summer and that's when the narc smelled my neediness and charmed me into this HELL! All these months he pursues me and keeps me hooked and when we can finally be together he dumps my ass and I am alone again only WORSE than before!

I know I am not that old really but I just feel so tired these days...
I chatted with a girlfriend yesterday who got dumped in August by a non-narc, and she was happy and positive, and moving on. She is only 25 and gorgeous and I felt envious of her youth and enthusiasm and her quick recovery. Here I am still holding on to memories of this little idiot almost a year later... WTF???
Then in that weakened state last night, my best male friend shouts at me on the phone and hangs up on me with no reason other than a simple misunderstanding. No, he's not a narc, but he is very direct and harsh sometimes, and it just felt like a slap in the face. I saw him later that night, and he didn't even think it necessary to apologize. I feel hurt. I had a rough year and I don't need this kind of treatment from a good friend. I need to go over and talk to him about it I think, and I'm dreading the confrontation. But I need to learn to stand up for myself. I can not put up with any kind of mistreatment anymore. It's weird to notice how having to stand up for myself fills me with panic. I never noticed that before...

I just really hope that this feeling will pass.. I am so tired of crying and I don't want to become a disillusioned and bitter person! I want to be happy and full of life again!

NarcJunkie's picture
Thank you everyone for your comments :)
I am better again today. I met a lovely lady last night who listened to me and took my hand and with very few words reminded me of how much love is inside of me and how many ideas and plans I used to have for the future. And within a few minutes, my focus shifted back to who I was before all this pain. I could see myself as ME again, a kind and happy person, and then my heart opened up and I could breathe again. Today I'm just struggling a bit, because I realized I have no plans for New Year's and I don't really want to hang out with the boys or go to a big party. I feel the urge to do something nice and special to distract myself from this major trigger (last New Year's was the first time I spent an entire night with the narc and woke up with him.. and he was then already pulling back and showing disinterest, but I didn't realize that until later. I thought I had finally found love and that I had such a wonderful year ahead of me. Ha! I guess it really is better if we don't know what the future holds for us, or I would have just quit my job and stayed in bed all year. If I can't find anything to do, I'll just be on the forum and read Lisa's book and work the steps. This is a great, safe, happy place. :)
Sea's picture
NJ - i can imagine the smile
NJ - i can imagine the smile on your face when bring the focus back to yourself. Spending time doing things that u like. Everything is about yourself. We neglect ourselves when we are with the narcs. Time to be a little selfish, make up for the loss :) I am relocating soon, i will face the same challenge. Not sure how i would cope but i would be busy taking some classes, taking some exams, working, settling down. Hope i get to make new friends etc. Believe in yourself, you are still the beautiful person the narc was attracted to. He cant take that away from you. Hugs!
onwithmylife's picture
Hang in there
i am older than you and 3yeasrs out and have yet to meet a guy i want to start a relationship with, in the dating world I find many 'lazy men' when it comes to relationships, not willing to do the work to get to know someone. I know good men must be out there but where I ask? to be truthful, it is NOT easy to meet a man you connect with and it is a long haul, i kinda feel like you do but try to keep positive...............as my therapist said to me i need to find something to fill up the void and then maybe a good many will come my way......
NarcJunkie's picture
Yes, I actually know good guys...
I know quite a few of them! They exist, but they are very invisible and we don't feel attracted to them right away because they're NOT narcs... (it's sooo stupid... but true) 2 of those guys have been there for me throughout this ordeal, and I trust them. How do I know I can trust them? They respect my boundaries without me even having to insist. I have very warm feelings for both of them and lately I've asked myself why I couldnt just fall for one of them. The truth is: I probably could. But the problem with nice guys is: they don't flirt. Not one bit. Maybe when they're drunk... but they have self-esteem issues themselves and are often terrified to approach women for fear of rejection. If you think about it, it's even harder for guys, because they are supposed to take us out and make their interest known, and it is so crushing for a sensitive male ego to be rejected that one of my good friends literally won't even talk to girls anymore, Especially not to the ones he likes. I am grateful for those guys in my life. But they will never muster up the courage to tell me they have feelings for me (if they do..). They will not be flirtatious and playful and grab me and CLAIM ME. And it made me feel so good when the narc did that. I miss that... I do. But flirtatious behaviour is on my red flag list now, because I always fall for that and always get burned as a result.
Im_always_fine's picture
I think there's alot to be
I think there's alot to be said about the physiological side effects of having gotten to close to a NARC. SHEER exhaustion, mental fatigue, depression. My hair fell out! I shook constantly (which is exhausting in and of itself) Really take care of yourself. Eat well, nourish you body. Get fresh air everyday. And be ruthless with yourself about getting sleep. It sounds trite but it's good old fashioned common sense. Take care of yourself the way you would sick loved one. Make yourself tea. Get a cozy blanket and snooze on the couch. Be gentle and say nice things to yourself (I hum a little song over and over,"Every thing will be alright hush-a-bye..hush-a-bye") Go easy on yourself about the past. You've been attacked...and had the emotional stuffing beat out of you. Your entire psyche has been ravaged. It's very much like an emotional rape. You will see....you are stronger than you know! You won't JUST HEAL tho. You'll have to be proactive and creative as you consciously participate in your own wellness. Get DEADLY serious about healing your heart and future. (HUG)
NarcJunkie's picture
Thank you :)
Yes, I can see now that I have been too hard, almost mean and cruel.. almost like a narc!.. to myself all my life. So I am learning to be gentle and kind to me now. I am telling myself "I love you and I want to spend time with you". And some days it works well, but other days it just feels like empty words.. like there's "no one home" inside of me. And then I just panic. And I don't have any single girlfriends here in the new city so I'm craving that soothing female presence in my life. I hang out with guys a lot, and they're good guys, but they're still guys.. and they don't understand about emotional rape because it hasn't happened to them. I think I will be better once I find a therapist here and some "safe places" where I feel happy even when I'm alone... and some good girlfriends hopefully!
WiserNow30's picture
Hope verses
Proverbs 24:20 for the evil man has no future; the lamp of the wicked will be put out. Proverbs 24:14 Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 1 Peter 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, Romans 5:2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 15:4 For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Numbers 23:19 God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it? Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. John 4:13-14 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
TNR1's picture
Ezekiel 34:16 I will search
Ezekiel 34:16 I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shephard the flock with justice.
Im_always_fine's picture
Psalm 37! The whole thing!
Wisernow...Psalm 37! The whole thing! EVERYDAY recently my Bible falls open to this psalm. Ps 35 as well...about when someone close to you plots against you.
Amazed's picture
NarcJunkie, I feel your pain,,,
Have been there,,,it is rough, takes a lot of work and strength to know it is not right to be with them anymore..it is very depressing, it is disgusting, we loose that love of humanity that always made us the unique, happy, us,,,the people we were before we met them..we feel a huge sense of loss,,it is hard to recover, and different than just a usual break up...I know... I needed to be on my own to heal, to protect myself, it is hideous evil, they play all sorts of games so they can win..they cannot win, they are narcs, they cannot have the upper hand unless you let them. Spend time educating yourself, doing things that make you feel good,,,healing,,doing something good for yourself, something healthy... During the healing I could barely move. I was so depressed. oh it was awful, it will get better and it does. I also understand the 'isolation',,,if we can get through that the earlier the better,,,you have to have legitimate you time though...however just be careful that you don't deprive yourself the opportunity to meet nice people...it is hard to believe in friendship and love after the psychopath Narc...they are evil, the lie, manipulate, seek to destroy others...thank God you are away from them, and do your best to move on,,,slowly and confidently...there will be a time when you are 'ready' and you will know it..you will have that smile of yours coming back, that laughter,,that look of interest again towards meeting a nice guy....lets just be careful, and know that it takes time, don't rush it,, and do not rush into arms of another Narc,,,spend time educating yourself and protecting yourself from those jerks,,,you deserve so much better!!!!
NarcJunkie's picture
I was so sure
that I could smell "guys like that" a mile against the wind after I had my heart broken by one 7 years ago. But apparently not. This narc was a true master. He believed his own lies so he seemed perfectly genuine. He was different from the first narc, he seemed quiet and thoughtful and serious..and he was suffering and wanting to break free. I opened up to him immediately. I felt like a perfect idiot when I realized I had been lied to and deceived AGAIN... and so easily too! I do hope... I PRAY that I am learning my lesson this time. That I am learning to respect myself and love myself first, that I will have the strength... and the rudeness! (if necessary) to protect my boundaries from now on. I hope that I will be my own happy self again, but with a self-esteem upgrade and an integrated anti-narc device. ;)
Crazy Train
Crazy Train's picture
NJ, Hunter is exactly
NJ, Hunter is exactly correct. The key lies inside each of us. My insides & brain feel like scrambled eggs. Until we can be at peace within ourselves, we cannot expect to be able to correctly interact with others. It will come in time.....I understand what you are feeling. It's not easy AT ALL. Hugs, CT
NarcJunkie's picture
It's true
and this lesson has presented itself to me many times... but until now I have always been strong enough to run away and avoid it! ;) Sometimes I admit to myself that I'm not unlike the narc in my attempt to avoid reality, avoid suffering and "use" people to cover up my fear of being alone. It takes such courage to be still and face the fear. I can't really blame anyone for wanting to run away and hide.
Hunter's picture
Changes and positive energy
Changes and positive energy come from within.. Let me pull the next card... Hmmmm.. Yes .. A Narc free future.. Because you are setting boundries and making positive deceisons ... The answers arent in the cards they are in you.. Hunter
NarcJunkie's picture
Thanks, Hunter.... a narc free future does sound good! The worst that can happen is: I'll spend the future with myself.... And I'm actually pretty good company. :)