I feel financially hostage

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#1 Jan 11 - 9PM
reneek
reneek's picture

I feel financially hostage

So, my ex N and I are supposed to be going back to Court on a visitation issue coming up in March. It started out simple -- I was also just going to represent myself for the motion, but as things get more complicated I am getting nervous about that. If I retain counsel it is going to cost me several thousands of dollars again -- I am trying to buy a house. I feel like it is a house or court and last year I gave up buying a house because of all the money I had to put into the court action. I feel so trapped. Someone said that we should just work with each other and negotiate. How do I negotiate and work with someone I know is always lying to me and trying to set me up -- the reason we are in court this time is because he lied to me and told me he would not take our daughter far away for the first long trip -- I believed that and now here I am. If I go to court representing myself would be stupid. Hiring an attorney could cost me a large portion of the down payment of my house. My family is on my case to get a good kick-his-butt to the curb lawyer who takes no prisoners ... any advice from anyone. I am so frustrated right now. The fight seems so stupid, but I know we cannot work together to find a solution -- does anyone have a different answer.

Jan 12 - 9AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

You are in a financially

You are in a financially exhausting position where money is pouring into dramas with him. If you Represent yourself it will have financial benefit. it sends a messsage. You just have to remember not to be emotional. Tell the truth, "I am in court today representing myself because my husband continues to violate court agreements and the legal costs are prohibitive for a single mother." Here are my issues". Have everything in writting and be brief. You are a brave person and the day has to end when he can hold you capitive. I think you have to decide if Your intentions to buy a house need to take precedent to all of the things that he can do to you. His goal is manipulation and control. He doesn't feel any consequences, remorese, or guilt. If you hire a lawyer you have to get a lawyer who has a proven track record of savaging these types of people. You can't waste money on someone who is soft. It is a really unfair thing that you have to go through all of these experiences but they make you stronger. The stronger you get the more freightened he will be. Try to be as calm as you can if he can't get a rise out of you he will lose interest. It takes discipline but remember he is a predator and an abuser. You will get through this but for today you have to be really smart,with good strategy, and calm. Here are some affirmations that might help for frustration "I let go of my disappointment for my own well-being." "It really doesn't matter" "I feel peace and tranquiltiy" "I feel balance and harmony" "I can persevere and prevail" "I let go of anger for my own well-being" Here is a meditation that might help: I now have complete serentity of mind, heart, and soul. All feelings of stress and anxiety evaporate. I am reaching for the highest and best in life for myself and my child. I have support internally and give thanks for my source of health and strength to let me conquer all challenges. You have to train for these boys just like you would train for the Olympics, in this case, the emotional Olympics. A visual that might help is the movie with Jennifer Lopez I can't remember the name but she runs with a daughter from an abusive husband and in the end she takes self-defense courses and she kills him. A bit extreme but you will relate to her first feelings of fear and flight and then appreciate her building strength and defeating her abusive husband. Something else that is inspirational is Joel Osteen's program on the TBN TV network. Good luck in court.
Jan 12 - 2AM
grossot
grossot's picture

reneek

Someone told me it is better to go bankrupt than to live with a n. I agree with Barbara- the house can wait. I feel ya tho'. I'm waiting on 'permision from the court' to move. Bc I'd like to move two counties away. I so want to just pick up and go but it would supposedly make it look like I was taking dd from her hometown and family. Is there a less expensive route you can take with house like a land contract? Fight in court for every ounce of child support you can get. Its better to go through the legal system - no matter how expensive. You already know you cannot trust the N. Good Luck. http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled
Jan 11 - 10PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

reneek

children are not something you can gamble with... ...I'd find the LAWYER who's tough - and have the lawyer make him pay PART of your court costs... this is TOO important! take it from an ACON and a mother of children with a Narc whatever you do - DO NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT mediate or let any lawyer or other person suggest mediation as a CHEAPER OPTION. NEVER EVER MEDIATE WITH A PATHOLOGICAL!!! The house will be there - your children need you to do this NOW. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 11 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
reneek
reneek's picture

thank you

my family is saying the same thing -- hearing it from someone who knows narcissism so well I will heed your advice. Will this battle ever end Barbara? Will I be in court with him forever? It is so exhausting !

a woman learning to love again

Jan 11 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

reneek

he may find some way to drag you back all the time... have you read SPLITTING by William Eddy, Esq. You should! Anyway... that's why you should have a GOOD BULLDOG lawyer! For the next times... and make HIM pay court costs when he does the inevitable. The court won't think much of his future actions once a good custody lawyer is done with his sorry ass. http://www.outofthefogsite.com/CommonBehaviors.html#FrivolousLitigation It ends when they find something better to do. Or the kids blow them off. http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2007/08/abusive-stalking-using-courts-what-you.html ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 11 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
reneek
reneek's picture

this is great stuff

thanks ! I am so glad to have found this support site -- it is helping me stay sane

a woman learning to love again