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"I don"t want to look back. That"s where I've been. I want to see where I"m going"

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#1 Jun 5 - 5AM
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

"I don"t want to look back. That"s where I've been. I want to see where I"m going"

"I don"t want to look back. That"s where I've been. I want to see where I"m going, I hope to profit by all the past experience and never repeat a mistake." Susan Hayward upon her 2nd marriage Feb. 9th, 1957 to Eaton Chalkley.

Sunday morning and I'm catching up on postings ater I went to bed last night. Yes, Susan's words remind me of how I want to feel.

I want to move forward and not look back. Also just checked a couple dating websites I'm on. No responses there. It is as if I had tatooed on my forehead "No Victim here! Look elsewhere!".

My mind stuill keeps trying to go back to think about the ex-narc. I don't want to go there! I want to look ahead and get a fresh start. I'm thinking today would be a good day to work on organizingt my cabinets. Probably I should check for any job openings that interest me.

I still feel the temptation to go back and rake my ex-narc over the coals for his deception and deceit. I'm thinking I need to see what I can do about upgradingt my wardrobe, losing weight, and just getting a whole new outlookl on life.

BTW, I loved the recent blog "YOU are NOT to BLAME". Excellent! I think too often, the victim is blamed indicating they intentionally sought out the abuse when they desperately wanted to establish a normal, healthy relationship with someone - If you don't know what to look for in the way of red flags, a narc can do a great job imitating a healthy person.

I do not think that wanting to love and be loved by someone is a pathological condition! We made what seemed at the time good choices of a potential mate...later on, their true colors came out and we got hurt.

As as my brain brings up my ex-narcs image, I'm telling it to stop thinking about the bastard (yes, it does help!). But a part of me wants to send an email to him promising that he will pay for his deceit and duplicity! Then that urge dies down as I remind myself I've already raked him over the coals for it, and there's nothing new to be gained.

I'm tired of hurting, licking my wounds, feeling sorry for myself. Enough is enough, and I've had more than enough. Just about all I can stand really.

So, here it is Sunday morning - I"m ready for a new life! World - Here I come! Get ready for SoaperGirl!

Jun 5 - 7AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Soaper girl

we are both older and I am in the same boat as you. I am on several different websites, all free, refuse to pay for any of them and the quality of men on them is SO bad, I am in great shape,petite, cute and have been told that, look younger than my years, and still cannot meet any decent guy. the ones i respond to say' good luck in your search' and the ones I have no attraction to, respond to me and if there is no attraction, there is NO attraction.!Thye say do things you like to do and I volunteer at some places and never meet any decent man and when I stop looking do not meet anyone either. It is very depressing and I know that is one reason it has taken me so long to recover from the Narc.
Jun 5 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

Thank you onwithmylife, all the dating sites are bad IMO

So, last week I found by accident a book called "Find A Husband After 35" in using a 15 step action program to find a new mate. Geez, this is all so humiliating! But I can keep on doing the things I've always done and get nowhere or find subpar/pathological men, or give this book a whirl in its advice. I've seen enough to know a lot of those guys out there on the dating sites are operating under Hollywood illusions (and God knows they're no prize either!) that they can hold out for movie star perfect women. Which even those model/movie star perfect women don't really exist without the help of makeup/lighting/hair/wardrobe stylists, and even plastic surgeons which I don't have and can't afford anyway. Just a quick browsing indicates you gotta package yourself (branding) and market yourself to sell, network, network, network friends, family, media like dating sites and casting wide your net to catch your desired type of fish. Hahaha. Confusing as Hell to me! No, I don't like the idea of doing any of these things. The alternative seems to be growing ever older, lonelier, feeling undesired and unwanted. Definitely there's a lot of things to be considered. The story continues...