I don't need to tell him it's over, right?

15 posts / 0 new

#1 May 24 - 3PM

adoette

I don't need to tell him it's over, right?

47 days ago I told the N I needed some space. I have not contacted him since.

Over our two years together I ended it a bazillion times, in a myriad of creative ways; only to go crawling back every time. So, this time I intentionally told him I was going to "take off for a while because I need some space." (Knowing good and well I was getting out.)

I know deep down that I will never have "closure" with the N and I'm pretty dang sure the best way for me to go is to just fade away w/o some big declaration that it's over. I have to admit, it also gives me a little satisfaction that HE doesn't know what's going on (ha, not that he cares).

Can you help me dispel that small voice that keeps whispering, "Tell him. Tell him it's over"? Part of me wonders if I have that inkling because I want to contact him and that would be a legitimate reason. Or maybe I just want to wash my hands of him and make sure he knows we are done, done, done.

Am I right in thinking the best way to go forth is to stick with NC?

#2 May 25 - 5PM

Kiwi2005

You don't owe him any kind of

You don't owe him any kind of explanation, not after all the stuff he's put you through. I personally, didn't tell mine straight up it's over. I just ignored him for 2 days and he got it, then when we talked after the 2 days, he acted like I committed a crime- so I went full blast NC and have been for over a week :) I'd recommend NOT saying anything, just doing. Actions do speak louder than words :)

#3 May 25 - 4PM

narcissizednomore

I didn't tell either, just

I didn't tell either, just went NC and I was hoovered 17 times, usually every two weeks, sometimes once a week for ten whole painful, crazy months. Finally told him face to face at my door not to contact me anymore and so far, one year later, he hasn't. Can you handle tormenting him for a while? They are so utterly stupid to know whether you are done or not so they will keep trying to entice you back. A normal person would 'get it' after two or three attempts. I admit there was some satisfaction making him squirm a bit but I don't know if he was or not. Start documenting the attempts he makes at contact and if you feel he is loosening his grip or escalating it, you'll have a better idea what to do. If he becomes annoying and you no longer see the humour in making him squirm, send him a one liner...don't contact me again (and mean it!) and then accept he is gone for good. After that, you can just report him to the police and you'll have documentation to back up your story. Good luck!!

narcissizednomore

#4 May 25 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

adoette

great advice

Thanks for the solid advice, NNM. I totally can handle tormenting him for a while longer and his attempts at contact do not bother me. Most channels are cut off now, so he'd have to work hard to contact me. But of course, there's always a way to get through the barricade. The longest I've gone NC before this round is 7 weeks (I attempted NC at least 10 times, if not more, over our two years together). I will hit that number again tomorrow (woo-hoo!), so i'm about to break my record and embark on the reality that i'm really getting out this time. (I can hardly believe it, but I know it to be true.) I so appreciate your response. Thanks!

#5 May 25 - 11AM

enpsychopedia r... (not verified)

Adoutte What is your motivation?

If your motivation is closure, and you want to be in the driver's seat, yeah...tell him. I'd write it on a little scrap of paper, wrap it in cellophane, stick it in a rotting fish carcass, and have a third party deliver it, though. If you want to drive him as batty as he drove you, though, don't give him ANY closure, just let him twist. Avoid him like the plague. ER

#6 May 25 - 3PM (Reply to #11)

adoette

Enpsychopedia

lol! I love it! Thanks thanks thanks....seeing it in print helps me solidify my choice to leave him alone.

#7 May 25 - 6AM

nancyh

adoette

Ignore that little voice in your head that is telling you a legitimate reason to contact him is to tell him it's over. The Narc knows it is over. And yes, I do think he is wondering why you haven't "crawled" back to him yet. NC, NC, NC, NC. Hugs, Nan

Nan

#8 May 24 - 7PM

Hunter

Don't you think that if you

Don't you think that if you haven't had communication in 47 days he can figure it out? You want to tell him because you want a reaction. Trust me silence is Bliss. NCNCNCNCNCNCNCN Hunter

#9 May 25 - 5AM (Reply to #7)

agnesmurphy17

Right On!

Tell a man who has not contacted you in 47 days that it is over? Excuse me? What exactly is this "it" that is over? I think that self-help book, "He's Just Not Really That Into You" is pure, dead brillant. Time to move on & forget him. He's already forgotten you. Now if you want to volunteer for more abuse & to be used by him, of course he will accept your generous offer. But, don't think you'll get anything out of "it." The same old, same old.

#10 May 25 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

adoette

agnesmurphy17

Well, he's contacted me several times, but I have not responded. He may still be into me (what i can supply, that is), he may not be. That's no longer my concern, eh? It's confirmed, though. Do I tell him? Oh, hell to the no.

#11 May 24 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

adoette

True that

I just knew I could trust you all to tell it like it is. Thank you thank you thank you. So grateful for your honesty and conviction.

#12 May 24 - 7PM (Reply to #5)

Hunter

Adoette

This Narc stuff is not easy. But I recommend (if you haven't already) Read what happened to Terri and Exhausted. You cant go back. :( Hunter

#13 May 25 - 2AM (Reply to #6)

adoette

Hunter

I just went back and read what happened to Terri and Exhausted. Thanks for pointing me to those posts. I am moving on, but I want closure. I'll have to create that for myself. To "go to him" for that would be ridiculous and counterproductive.

#14 May 24 - 4PM

Goldie

That small voice is HOPE

I have been there and when you have a need to make the obvious known, it is a ploy to regain contact. Have another go at it, even if it is just conversation, you know once you break, NC, it is only a matter of time that he will be right over and the insanity begins again. Is this what you want? Please don't kid yourself anymore. He already knows. You are 100% right, there is no real closure with a narc; just restarts and endings. Do yourself a big favor and let it go. There is nothing more to say. Give yourself a chance to move on, heal, and eventually find someone who loves you for you. God bless, Goldie

#15 May 24 - 6PM (Reply to #2)

adoette

Yup. That's what it is.

Thanks, Goldie. It's so good to see it in print from someone else. Just wanted a confirmation on what I know in my bones from someone who's been there. SO true about the insanity kicking in again...it would be inevitable. Inch by inch, I'm moving forward, letting go, and trusting myself again. Much appreciation! Keep speaking the truth. We're saving each other one word, one nudge, one hug, one post at a time.

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