I dont mean to keep being negative Nelly and bug you guys

I need to just write if that is ok, if not just hit delete now..........

ok if you are reading, i am really struggling, my anexity is thru the roof. I am having flashbacks again. I cant swallow, cant eat, I tried but four bites then felt sick. My stomach is making noises, I am shaking so bad inside that I want to cry. I want to scream out to anyone and everyone who has tried to help me through this and tell them I hate them (even tho I dont) because none of them can see how truly terrifiying this is. Everyone says you can do it, look in the mirror, you have the strength, and i want to say fuck you the fuck i do, i want to get in my car and run like hell but i have NO FUCKING WHERE TO GO. my head wont stop playing everything that has happened, my head wont stop playing this big courtroom and him dressed all nice clean saved head, and those eyes, those green eyes that scare the fuck out of me. and me, gained all this weight nothing to wear, dont even know what to do with my hair and no self esteem trying to find a way to walk into the building, not just walk in, but stay in and speak, answer questions about him in front of him, why cant anyone see that that is just too much. I have left, i have stayed no contact, i will stay no contact, i havent driven down koontz since may 16, i dont want to, but going to court with him there and answerign questions i am not suppose to talk about is just too much. i felt like i was starting to get stronger, starting to feel better, but this week is taking a tole. I am finding it hard to breathe, hard to think of anything but its one day closer to monday. and monday is only the start.i am not this person that everyone thinks i am, i am not full of this strength that can fight this. how do i sit in a room with him and not beg for him to forgive me, to not be mad at me. its what i know, its what i feel i need to do. I dont want him mad at me, i dont want him to think i have failed him, i know i have but i dont want to. i just wanted to love brandt and brandt doesnt love. he destroys and i am full of his distruction yet i am still expected to walk into that courtroom and see him. how do i tell the judge this isnt my fault when i feel like it is, if only i was a better wife, if only i loved better. i dont want to do this, i want to go back to before may 16 and sign papers giving him everything he wanted so i could have the kids and be done. i made him mad that night by having friends stay with me at the ballfield, i desevered him coming over, he didnt deserve for my boss to call the cops. i didnt want to press charges it was my fault for making him upset. i just wanted to get better and stronger. I wish there was some way I could go back and fix this, fix me so I would have been enough. I just wanted to be enough. I tried for years to be his everything, but i couldnt get it right. all the times that "stuff" happened it was because I couldnt get it right. If I was turned over during sex it was because I had gained too much weight and didnt turn him on, that is not his fault that is mine. All the times that things got more serious than that, it was my fault, I had made him mad or let him down someway. The night my son was conceieved,, I shouldnt have talked back. I dont want that to be the night he was made, but it is, but it is my doing. How do I go into this court room and look at the judge and not say this is all because i suck as a human being. I failed at the only thing i ever wanted, a happy life, with children and with the man i love. I dont know how to not let more people down, to not hurt more people. Everyone will see that I am what he says I am, nothing, the "shit he flushes". I have failed and I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I have dragged you into this mess, made you a part of me. You deserve better, everyone deserves better, nobody should have to put up with me. I am so scared of failing my babies too. Not keeping them safe, not giving them the protection they need, they are so beautiful and innocent, I dont want to take thier chance at life, a good life away from them. WHat if me speaking the truth, not keeping quiet like I was suppose to hurts them, takes them away from me, then what, how do I answer to myself if I fail them too. Failing Brandt has done enough damage.