I dont matter to anyone

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#1 Nov 26 - 5AM
Sea
Sea's picture

I dont matter to anyone

I think i was very deeply hurt by the narc such that i unknowingly harbour such a thought that i dont matter to anyone. I noticed that when i pass a remark when a close coworker was not agreeable to what i said. I gave up very quickly and said "it ok my opinion dont matter anyway". He was very taken aback and commented that he was abit hurt that i think he treated our friendship so callously.

So far no one around me is supportive of me going nc. My self esteem goes down a notch. Everyone thot i was childish to do nc. I begin to feel that i dont matter to anyone. An unhealthy thinking i know and something i need to get out from.

Just sharing my thots. Anyone else feels this way?

Sumiko

Nov 28 - 9PM
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Sea,

From having read so many of your posts, seems like the biggest obstacle for you is the fact you work with N. That's why you suffer so much. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. Everyday, you go into work, only to have your wounds re-opened by the mere site of him, not to mention the opinions of his followers. Seems like most everyone at your job crossed your boundaries and they are deeply enmeshed in your personal life. These people need to get back into their own lanes and let you live your life. Fuck them all. They are judgemental and not the least bit supportive. Set up boundaries and keep them at a distance. You don't have to defend yourself, in fact, defending yourself makes you more vulnerable. Your co-workers are not going to do or say anything to jeopardize their jobs so it's no surprise they are non-supportive. I wish you can get out of there but, I know you need the job. The entire environment is toxic. It's like an alcoholic working at Budweiser or Coors beer Co or at a Whiskey/Bourbon refinery. How can you heal with the daily reminders and fumes? You are doing remarkably well, given the situation. The only approval you need is your own. Make friends outside of work and begin a new life, with supportive people. All that matters is what YOU think.
Nov 28 - 10PM (Reply to #24)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

When the Narc is at your work!!!!!!

BE PREPARED!!!!!!!! it is BRUTAL!!!!! They engage in something called 'splitting',,,where they secretly tell lies, stories, SLANDER,,,LIES,,made up crap,,about you,,behind your back,,,then they do it a little bit, so you can hear,,then couple days later, you hear more chatter, then laughing,,,,they do this ON PURPOSE. The Narc will do this to take down anyone who they think they can con. They will make up a mask, a cute name they call you, take you out for lunch, do this, that, then slander you,,it is a way for them to MANIPULATE THE ENVIRNONMENT. Sorry for all the caps, except we need to remember that narcs ALWAYS WANT TO BE IN CONTROL. THEY want to be THE one in power. They need to be the center of attention. They often do this by bringing other people down. Not often,,I would dare bet all the time..they pick out from a crowd who they need to manipulate. So listen, and listen good. You need to be very, very strong. NC in the office. No looking. No talking. No reaction. No noticing. No nothing. He talks, you do not respond. He asks you a question, you remain silent. End of story. Otherwise, your saga will continue. You need to get away from him asap, no matter what. If he has been a bully to you (surprise!) then you need to contact someone in the company to speak with. No pride in meekeness here. Remember, they love to devastate. Do not be the victim.!!!!!!
Nov 29 - 7AM (Reply to #25)
Sea
Sea's picture

Dear Tresor and Amazed I have

Dear Tresor and Amazed I have actually left ex narcky's firm. We are in the legal practice, a very tiny industry. We will still see each other in court or might have shared projects etc. The good thing is i no longer see him daily at work. That would be too much for me. Dont think i can cope with that. You both have correctly pointed out the challenges of still having the narc around at work. I wish i could get rid of him totally. I guess its not an option for me at the moment. I have avoided all cases that require interactions with narc tho. At least am keeping this arrangement till this year end. By then i would be 5+ month nc. Hopefully stronger!! Thanks so much for your care and love. I would never have come so far without all of you!! God bless!
Nov 28 - 8AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

This sounds very typical of new recovery

Making extreme statements, feeling unheard, unloved. Very common after what you have been through. The statement that NO ONE around me is supportive of my going NC is designed for two reasons. ONE: to give yourself an excuse for breaking NC because NO ONE agree's with it, so they must be right. TWO: to give yourself the impression that NO ONE agree's with your decision, so that you can feel bad about yourself and maybe narc was right, so you have an excuse to break NC. NO ONE?? Who are all these people? Does EVERYONE you know at work and in your personal life know all the details about narc and how he cheated on you? Do they all understand about PD's? Are you really talking about EVERYONE, or just maybe a few, maybe 1 or 2 people? Is this exagerated statement designed to keep you stuck and give you a big fat excuse to contact narc??? Also it is common to snap at people when you are in recovery because you feel like because the narc does not and did not understand you and treated you so badly then EVERYONE must feel this as well, so when innocent bystanders make small remarks, you take it that they too do not respect or admire your opinion. This will all pass in time. You are super sensitive now, trying to make sense of what just hit you, and looking for excuses to contact narc. The mind plays tricks on us in recovery and looks for reasons to doubt ourselves and return to the narc. DON'T DO IT, give yourself some more time and this will pass and the truth of what a sick disordered man he is will become more evident to you in time. You will see that there is nothing for you with him and that you can do so much better. I am not sure whether this new man is a narc or not, however, it is also common to find fault with the good one's and look for excuses to glorify the narc when you are still in cognative dissonance. Be careful, my dear, you are skating on thin ice here. Love and hugs to you as you are patient with yourself and give yourself more time to sort out your feelings. You will get there, it is not too far off for you. Just don't give in before you allow yourself the time to make it through to the other side. It is often the darkest before the new dawn. God bless, Goldie
Nov 28 - 9AM (Reply to #18)
Sea
Sea's picture

Dear Goldie I counted more

Dear Goldie I counted more than a dozen people at work, 4 of my close friends and most significantly my mum. Ex narc was a good con man, all at work were so impressed with him. He is exceptionally good at his work. Many people admire him. He does alot of fake things to glam up his image like giving to charities etc. I looked young, spoilt, naive gal throwing tantrums and playing nc game. People at work dont know his dirty secrets of being npd and his cheatings with ow. Actually i am the only woman he took at gf at work. All his ow are outside. So no one at work knows. My close friends do show some sympathy and concern but they think its stupid to do nc. No matter what i should tell him how hurt i am and confront him on all his cheatings. My mum agrees with them. My mum and my close friends do care but as u say i am over sensitive now. I see them as critical of me and cruel. As for finding reasons to go back to narc. You can be assured i really truly dont want him anymore. I am calm about this. I need time. How i wish i can dig a hole and hide in there to meditate a year then when i crawl outa it. I am heal!! Thanks Goldie!!
Nov 28 - 9AM (Reply to #19)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Your mother and friends think you should still contact at man

Who lied to you and cheated on you? Are you serious? What am I missing here? Why do they think this? God bless, Goldie
Nov 28 - 9AM (Reply to #20)
Sea
Sea's picture

Well Goldie, its culturally

Well Goldie, its culturally acceptable for men to have ow if they are very successful. So my love ones think as long as he takes care of me it is ok. They saw him buying expensive gifts for me, present me as official gf, takes me to fine dining and holidays. That is what drove them to ask me to accept him back. My mum said i am educated in the west and that makes me a very demanding woman :(
Nov 28 - 9AM (Reply to #21)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

O.k.

This makes sense, but times are changing and women no longer need to suffer in silence. Screw him, you are a beautiful young woman and this is not the path for you. That's all, you are a credit to your culture and a pioneer for change. I love your honesty, spirit, and courage. You just keep on believing as you do and great things will be in store for you. You will make it through to the other side of this and eventually meet a man worthy of your goodness. I can see and feel your goodness and beauty through the internet so I know that when you are ready you will find your truth, peace, and love. First for yourself and later with someone else. God bless, Goldie
Nov 28 - 10AM (Reply to #22)
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks Goldie. I cant thank u

Thanks Goldie. I cant thank u enough. I wish i could hug u in real life and thank u. What u and the other mods are doing here save lives and i am not exagerating. So many of us would have gone back to the narcs if not for your kindness. Thanks ooxx
Nov 27 - 10PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

I love your posts!

Your spirit, your wit, your insight, your humanity!
Nov 28 - 6AM (Reply to #16)
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks! So heart warming to

Thanks! So heart warming to hear this :) This is a great forum. Lets heal together.
Nov 26 - 8PM
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks for all your replies!

Thanks for all your replies! xx Thanks for sharing your experience and telling me there are love around. And i am loved and i matter to people who loves me. This is a very important measage to my soul. My soul, the narc plundered so much and left my soul empty torn and battered. Am trying to stitch it back. I tried so hard to win the love from a loveless man. In all 3 years, i tried and tried. All the disappointments left me thinking i was so unworthy of love. And treating me like a dispensible thing and taking crumbs is acceptable. I was to always be the standby to fit into his greater agenda. Always hoping he would include me. I am out now. No more on his unmerry go round. I have to start looking around me on those around me. Deepest part of my heart i know i do matter to them but i would color that with narcky hurt and it looks like they dont care. Isolating the narc hurt is the first step. Narc do this to me dont mean everyone do. I would toss the narc hurt away bit by bit like tossing corns to chicken. Healing to everyone. It is a helluva journey! hugs!
Nov 26 - 7PM
Emma
Emma's picture

I have no self esteem, no

I have no self esteem, no confidence..he chiseled away at me til mine disappeared. Im going thru NC alone..my family have no idea about the shit he's put me thru..all I have, and am grateful for are the people on here!
Nov 26 - 6PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

You're not alone in this

You're not alone in this feeling. I too felt this way, after departing from the narc. If I'm honest, I felt this way before meeting him, though. Growing up in an emotionally abusive household as a kid, I was fed a lot of lies about myself. To shut me up. To punish me. Whatever the reasons, the result was...I grew into an adult woman, who viewed herself as nothing more than having to be an attractive sex object for men. So...perhaps, this was something that was always there for you...and unknowingly...you feel your opinions don't matter. In walks a narc, and that sort of accentuates those feelings. You matter to God. To us here. To a lot of people in your life, if you were to think about who they are. And you matter to...YOU. When we truly love ourselves, we find that no matter who is around us telling us we're good/bad/whatever...we are good, because we think so. We all like some type of confirmation from others...but, we have to learn to form our own ways of validation other than through the eyes of others. If you lived on a deserted island...you'd matter. Is my point. :) Hang in there, you will not always feel this way, dear sea. Praying for you.
Nov 26 - 6PM
Crazy Train
Crazy Train's picture

OMGosh Sumiko, don't think

OMGosh Sumiko, don't think that way! No one around you has probably EVER had an interaction with a Narc, like you have. None of my friends can understand it either. They are totally supportive of my NC, however, can't understand what led me to be attracted to him in the first place. They saw through all his crap, but I didn't. Please lift yourself up through positive self talk. That's what my therapist told me to do. You very much DO matter!!! You have just been made to feel inadequate by the Narc, which is what they do. There is no factual basis for his making you feel this way. This is the only way he knows how to cope with his life. Each of us was put on this earth for a reason. You are special. Treat yourself that way :) Hugs, CT
Nov 26 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

You DO matter!

I'm sorry you're going thru this, with a lack of support. Many people don't understand NPD, so they don't understand NC. The experience of D&D leaves one feeling worthless. Ns/Ps project their worthlessness onto us. It was weird. During my final D&D, I DID feel worthless. I felt terrible and unwanted. There were days I wanted to go to sleep&never wake up. At the beginning, my friends thought *I* was the villain and the ex-Psych prof was the victim of a student's love, that I was somehow "forcing friendship" on him. They would tell me to leave him alone... and would wonder why I kept going back. I wanted closure. Towards the end, once I told them how he treated ME, they still spoke of "leaving him alone"-but it took on a new interpretation. It wasn't a matter of leaving him alone for his sake, but with me avoiding him for my own sanity.
Nov 26 - 5PM
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi Sea, I think what this

Hi Sea, I think what this really comes down to is that right now, you question your own worth...do you matter to you? Did you deserve the D&D because you're not good enough? Baby, that's the kind of thinking that drew us all to these fucktards in the first place! So let's just get this out of the way right now. You DO matter to a lot of people, many of them right here writing to you out of support and concern. Do you matter to you enough to stay on this path to recovery so that you never allow someone to disrespect you, your boundaries or your dignity ever again? The only person's love for you that matters at all at this very moment is your own. You're struggling and it's being projected outwardly...people are reacting to it...not acquaintances, but closer friends. They're not understanding what is going on and I doubt they ever will...so you have to be your own anchor and lean on us when you need the boost. We got your back! xoxo
Nov 26 - 7AM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hi Sumiko

I know how you feel. Our self esteem and worthiness has been so damaged by these cretins that it like trying to pull yourself out of a very deep hole. You make some headway and then you slip backwards again. It is so normal and your recent thoughts are so normal too. I remember feeling so bereft and that I didn't matter either. But you will get through it - promise. You are doing so well, especially with NC and your recent drinks episode. Reminded me so much of times when I would do the same. So, you are not alone!! Also, try not to discuss your thoughts and issues with people outside of the forums because as we all know, they just don't understand and will therefore make you doubt yourself and your decisions. They have not been where we have so really their opinions are meaningless. Don't dispair - we are all here for you. Dee x
Nov 26 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
Anari
Anari's picture

UK Lady

You're right, people outside of these forums don't understand.
Nov 26 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Yes, Dee

I agree with Dee. Telling the lay-person about NPD and Nc and all that is quite counter-productive. People do not understand. Sure, they do understand an ordinary break-up, but not the connotations of N-world. So, all you can do, Sumiko, is do your best. Hermes
Nov 26 - 7AM
Swan
Swan's picture

Sea

You need to take care of you and do what is best for your recovery. I don't think you owe anyone an explanation for how you chose to deal with the Narc. Just do it. Go Narc free. Its the ONLY way to heal. (((hugs)))
Nov 26 - 6AM
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

I really identify. There is a

I really identify. There is a part of me so bereft and unloved and feeling I will never ever be loved. But that is only part of me and I think the healing process is trying to find ways of embracing and being gently and caring with that part of me because it is a very very old part. Thatpart was there long before the narc. I had hoped he would heal that part of me...instead he almost killed it. All I know to do is live a day at a time. Sometimes a minute at a time just to survive. You aren't alone but that feeling of abandonment and hopelessness is truly awful
Nov 26 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
greengirl91
greengirl91's picture

" I had hoped he would heal

" I had hoped he would heal that part of me...instead he almost killed it." Jelickuk, I felt the same. I thought we were two wounded kids, who happened to find each other..in a way, maybe but instead of healing, it was hell. And Sumiko, I understand how this feels..it`s like a battle against the current. There are so many Narcisists, and people who admire them and want to be like that.
Nov 26 - 6AM
tynk3377
tynk3377's picture

Sea

Yes in a way it does seem childish,almost like we are trying to beat them at their own game. But for us its not a game...its survival. It's protecting ourselves from pure evil. Thankfully my support system kept asking me when I was going to start ignoring him,sometimes hurting me with their remarks of *you talked to him you deserve to feel the way you do*...it felt very damned if I do,damned if I don't. But they were right...NC is the only way to get your head clear...to stop hurting on a regular basis, to stop feeling like the games never end,to stop feeling rejected over and over... Do ant of these people remember how you were with the N? Do any of them recall how you weren't yourself? Is it possible to tell them Nc isn't a joke nor childish, its the only way for you to bring back the old you that they possibly remember, the one who disappeared when N entered the picture. If so then its important they realize this is a crucial part of healing from a very toxic relationship...that you don't need them hurting you, in their own way (as in not supporting you), as the N did in his own way. If they can't or won't believe this and give their support,sadly you are going to have to shake of their remarks and continue doing what you need to do for yourself and heal. We can't make anyone understand, we can't make them see we are doing what we need to do for ourselves to heal. But YOU know it and WE know it and that's all that really matters....you have all the support in the world right here...I wouldn't mention NC to anyone who isn't supportive because you don't need to continue second guessing yourself at their expense.... Stay strong, stay the right path, little contact with non supporters and keep moving forward... huggs tynk
Nov 26 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

Your coworker is a butt! He

Your coworker is a butt! He won't even let you have a bad day without making it about him. I said something off hand like that to my boss when he shut me down. Being the MAN he is, he just told me he didnt mean it that way and didnt want me to take it the way it sounded. He realized I was having a bad day, but still didnt want me to think he was belittling me. I am learning these "all about me people" just from little sound bites they spout. You are important! Don't let some self-absorbed DA take that away from you. You bring so much to the table here at the forum. I love reading your posts and you are so much support to many people. HUGS