i dont know what to fight for any more

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#1 Oct 17 - 12AM

moonshine

i dont know what to fight for any more

I feel very let down over the past week. I was doing better before that. I wrote a list of things that i was not able to let go over the past week here. Added to that the OW at work totally wanted to believe my story and i went ..oh someone does believe me...until she talked with the N and heard his side of the story.

the reality that is thrown on my face everyday does not help me at all. I see him everyday...his days goes fine with out me. When asked how are you able to go on like this despite the fact that we were very close...he says ...my life does not stop for you. \\

well..his life does go on. Every ones life goes on. i feel i am the one stuck eternally in the past.

What i am supposed to do while in NC? Hold anger? Look for some kinda downfall from his side that would make him feel some loss? does it happen and would that do any good for me? What if it never happens? What if the N marries some one and lives happily(in their terms).

Till now I thought i was holding on to something so that my pride will not get affected ...so that i would not accept that i let this all happen.....but now ...i just dont know. Things and people around me are just prefect fit for the N. May be this is a NARCISSISTIC SOCIETY. May be i cant expect any justice. Aren't we all looking for some kinda validation and support that we are not crazy? I get it here but i am all alone on the other side. I dont know how much longer i can fight. i feel very low. I am not saying i am going to break NC ...but i work with him and i am not able to hold my anger to shoo him away....act otherwise as if i dont have interest....its so hard. above that its against our nature to show faces and hold anger...and it feels so hard for that reason too....to be some one who we are not. what should be my attitude?

At this stage ...the reality is going very good for him ...making me think that i am the one crazy. it makes be break. it breaks my spirit.

if everyone is going to believe him then arent all of them taking his side? how can i get to hang out with people who believe him?

i am only left to break down and take the scrap the he throws (that i am special ...but wont commit to me). i am alone...i am afraid that i will end up as one of his friend who gets to hang out when he chooses to hang out and rest of the time he gets to hangout with OW.

i am also afraid that the reality is so hard to face that i need to give into the reality . The reality is that everyone believes that this is a relationship which didnt work out and its just a breakup. i am from a different culture than him and hence he (and others )believe that i dont understand dating rules. but i am human ....i understand through emotions. I was separated
from an unhappy marriage when i met the N and the N blames that is also a cause for me to fall in love with him.....which is not true. Do you guys believe me...that he acted like a boy friend and never accounted for it?

the past two days i have been crying to the fact that I WAS PLAYED.

Some of us here have children. I dont. Children gives focus and a reason to live for (not that its easy to have a child and go through this suffering). I dont know what to live or look forward to when the very things i valued and believed for ....such as love and trust is no where to be seen? All I can see is the N getting his way. May be i am a idealist who will never get to experience that i expect in this society? Could some one tell me how to focus..even short term to do something with my life? i feel desolate all the time and cant get to do anything.

the above are ramblings from my unsteady and very wounded mind...i hope who reads this gets what i am trying to say.

i am not able to fight and I just dont know what to fight for any more.

#2 Oct 18 - 3PM

ewa

I was also wondering how is

I was also wondering how is it possible that after what "we had" my exN was able to move on and live happily without me. I could not believe it. Once we understand what they really are i think we slowly start accepting it. I do, but the bad moments are coming from time to time unfortunately. He has never loved you. You were just an object to him, who was giving him his supply, so is OW now. "What i am supposed to do while in NC?" - look for the new job if you can. I am starting on December and really counting days when i have to be together with him in one workplace. "What if the N marries some one and lives happily(in their terms)." - well, if yes good for him. But i do not believe it is not really possible, very small chances. if everyone is going to believe him then aren't all of them taking his side? how can i get to hang out with people who believe him? - not everybody, but discussing this things with people who are on the same terms with you and him is not a good idea :( "the past two days i have been crying to the fact that I WAS PLAYED" - i think all of us went through it, we have all been played, you are not along here - I know it doesnt cheer you up to much. Not all of as have kids i do not. I come back to empty flat after work almost everyday,my family lives many hours on the train from here. As long you stay around him it will be hard. I will not have such a great salary at my new workplace as i have now. However the freedom I will have is so much more valuable comparing to money.And think about stress you have now because of him. Because of stress people get very sick. Please think seriously of changing the job. It is not life what you have now.I think after you would change it you would feel so much better. My exN is now on BT oh i love the days when he is on BT, even that that i know he is with OW now. Try not to talk to much to the OW, especially about him. Maybe there is some old friend outside work you could talk to, somebody who doesn't know him? Somebody who would understand? She will see what kind of monster it is, one day she will call you and will tell you that you were right. You are right and I know it. I wish you were far away from him. xoxo

#3 Oct 18 - 10PM (Reply to #35)

moonshine

EWA.....

I remember you writing a couple of weeks back..that its a not a good idea to talk to the OW....i left a message for you asking "why" ...may be you never saw it. now i know why. She want to believe him...for her own sanity sake. i dont know anyone out of work. I moved to this place a year ago and the Narc was the one i trusted. yes...yes...i wonder everyday how his day goes by with out me....because we were together 24x7 ..and he is fine now. he never loved me..you are right. I actually was slowly recovering in my own phase...then i befriended the OW who desperately wanted to believe me and help me. now she is getting confused for who is telling the truth ...so i told her i will stay away from her for her own good sake. I was kinda let down by the thought that she wanted to believe me for 2 months and just one night the narc talked with her for 1 hr and now she wants to believe me. Until that moment she was saying the narc is bullshit. But...i got up again...going on with my recovery. there are days when i dont see him at work (very rare)...i feel better....i do wish to be away from him but this job is providing me the necessary things for my life....not the pay...just the stability part. i will consider though. Do you see a psychologist? Mine is not helping me much. i do feel like talking to some one. the other person who i know ..who i can trust a bit is also a co worker...so i dont feel like talking to him as well....cos people cant handle the truth and they dont understand this complex subject matter. thanks though..ewa for writing...it felt better reading.

#4 Oct 19 - 4AM (Reply to #36)

ewa

Moonshine

He manipulated OW the same like he manipulated you before. She is under his influence. I do not think you can recover if you stay in this company, you may feel like you are up, but few days later you maybe down again. I know work is important and it gives stability, but still you are not stable because of your emotions, and do not get me wrong, i know what it means because i have experienced it myself . And i do not see another option for you then changing the job. I do not say you should change for any job, just look for the job which will give you the possibility to grow your career and where you could feel happy. Once you will feel better, also other things are going to be better for you. I have noticed that for some period of time many people stopped talking to me at work. And since few days they started to talk to me again. Why? I know why, because i was feeling down and they could sense it. Now when N is on BT I feel much better. No I do not see the psychologist. I try to fight for myself alone. I do not even speak to my friend about N anymore, i think she is fed up and tired with this topic. What is: NC calendar - since a week i mark each day without contact, i have totally blocked him on FB and chats. I have my online diary where i write from time to time what is on my mind. I read this forum everyday. I try to put myself some goals like learning Italian, loosing weight - this keeps me busy after work too :). I believe you can feel better soon, and this should be your goal. Do everything to feel better because you deserve it!!

#5 Oct 17 - 3AM

desprathousewife

FIGHT FOR YOU

Fight for YOU, fight for GOOD and RIGHT, fight for your FREEDOM, your SANITY, your SELF BELIEF and WORTH. Remember this quote 'Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious gems of people....NOT the worst. They keep fellow abusers, fellow gossips and enabling lackeys close. They despise the principled and honest. Their discarding you is their highest commendation' Fight for your LIFE, the life you deserve. If there is any justice in this life, then we will all end up winning this fight. Fingers crossed :)

#6 Oct 17 - 7AM (Reply to #33)

moonshine

its so hard

its so hard with out any support. With out like minded people we have here. We all haven't met each other but we give each other so much support. when i am all alone trying to fight for myself...i have weak moments too...at that time he comes around and says...do you want to do this..that...i am afraid i will have to fall down one time or another. I will try my best...i just feel very low.

#7 Oct 17 - 1AM

Briseis

Moonshine :(

I've been there, too. And it's been a while . . . I had a terrible depression that lasted for about four months when I cut my ties and left the area the Narc and I lived in. I wasn't working yet, but I would go through the daily motions (somehow) and there was NOTHING I could see in front of me. It was like my head was stuck on backwards, looking back at everything, but not forwards. The thought of looking forward was almost worse :( . I had a friend who was trying to get me to write down where I saw myself in one year, five years. Ha. Everyone has different details and personal concerns specific to them, but this "so low" experience you're having is . . . sort of par for the course, I think :( No solace in knowing that, I'm sure . . . except that nothing lasts, not even Hell. I think that this dark depression period is a part of the healing journey. Where we are all cleaned out . . . empty, reduced to ashes. I can say with confidence that there is life after this "spell". And that this pain is a necessary part of the growth. If you start to feel so hopeless you want to give up, that's when you need to go get some help. For me, I'd had positive experience with antidepressants. They didn't make everything "wonderful" they just made me feel like a normal person would feel in the same situation. I'd just been duped and fooled and robbed of ALL of my money, my home, and I'd lost serious time in my career and getting back in would mean starting over from scratch (pay scale wise). I was humiliated and lost all confidence in myself. I was an ADULT, not a niave teenager, and this happened to me?? That's all real stuff . . . and ya gotta feel it. But you don't have to get drowned and suffocated by it. That's all antidepressants did for me. The problems were the same but I didn't feel so BAD that I couldn't even get out of bed, or take the tiniest risk necessary to make the break. So two things: these feelings are part of the journey, and they are Hell. Second, if you get scared you are really losing it, get help. We need you around. Your story is going to help others, and if you are anything like me . . . you have NO idea what's coming your way, in terms of the good stuff :) Just cuz you can't see it NOW doesn't mean it's not there :) Just keep an open mind.

#8 Oct 17 - 8AM (Reply to #29)

moonshine

briseis

thanks for writing that what i am feeling is normal. its comforting to learn from your experience. Iam not on meds. My primary care physician wanted me to take. but my psych does cognitive therapy and hence didnt think i need to. he thinks that i am feeling a mild trauma. i feel he is not validating a narcissistic experience. i feel that my life is very shitty and it keeps getting shitty. my shrink thinks that i am feeling like this because i was in "romantic love " and its maddening enough. i get that but he is not getting the feeling duped part. he says that N are manipulator but he does not talk how i was manipulated. i feel the need some how to talk at this point cos i just feel duped. i trust your words that it will end...but i cant see now...i am taking your words. the poet who i was reading last weekend said "live your questions now the answers will come later".

#9 Oct 18 - 3PM (Reply to #31)

Briseis

Meds helped me do the

Meds helped me do the cognitive behavioral stuff, because the meds kept the emotions from obliterating me and sending me to bed and not caring about anything ever again. I still get the impression your shrink is not validating you enough. This tells me more about him than about you. It's just too clinical to him. Your wounds are experiential, not "clinical". He's kind of clueless. This guy isn't much in touch with his OWN feelings. You keep trying to get in touch with your feelings and he basically tells you to get over it. He minimizes your feelings, tries to put them in a box that they won't FIT in. Can you seek out another shrink? Someone who has experience dealing with trauma? This guy has NONE no matter what he advertises.

#10 Oct 18 - 3PM (Reply to #30)

ewa

Moonshine!!

Please do not say your life is shitty. I got a message today from my friend that the girl I used to go to the same primary school together died in the car accident, she was on the BT with her boss, they hit the truck and got burned :((. She would be 28 on November. As long as you are alive you can change your life. We have still time to change it for better. Life can not be shitty because this predators played with us. They will get their punishment. My exN liked to say: It is not my problem or it is not your (was thinking of me) business. Well it is not our problem anymore also it is not our business. Moonshine he is not worth you. He is such a low person. Think about it. Try to see what he really is. He is not the person you felled in love with. If he was like this on the beginning of your relationship you would have never gone with him even for one date.

#11 Oct 17 - 1AM

moonshine

i still feel low..

I feel i will be broken to be one of those in the society. i feel i will break down to pick up the scrap he will throw. My ego is just very hurt. May be having a big ego and being proud of who i am also contribute to the hurt more? Well..one thing my pride helped me was to get out of his house. It was the hardest thing i ever had to do.

#12 Oct 17 - 12AM

michele115 (not verified)

Moonshine

You Wrote May be this is a NARCISSISTIC SOCIETY. May be i cant expect any justice. Aren't we all looking for some kinda validation and support that we are not crazy? I get it here but i am all alone on the other side. I dont know how much longer i can fight. i feel very low. That is what is screwing with me too...my reality is that the world is crazy...shallow and narcissistic... AND how when you view the world through that lens and the majority defines the norm...to feel, to see and to realize all that you do makes one "CRAZY" but yet, it seems like truth, reality and sanity but only to the SELF... That to be popular and "loved" you need to follow the crowd, blend in, not make waves, don't hold an opinion because those that have been brainwashed are the "norm" and yet when you can see through things, clear through them, you are looked upon as if you have seven heads That the majority of people are wimps, too afraid to take a stand and therefore, you have a problem That people embrace lies - because it's comfortable All of it... Disgusted by all of it. AND the notion, that somehow, a "pill" will make all this bullshit go away...take the edge off.

#13 Oct 17 - 1AM (Reply to #22)

michele115 (not verified)

And the answer...

You're depressed, take a pill and hang out with shallow people, you'll feel much better. AND they get paid for this advice...

#14 Oct 17 - 3AM (Reply to #23)

blueeyes

I am not depresessed ye, I am traumatized

I am not looking forward to this stag. WHEW, thank goodness I have you all! Hang in there, we are here!

#15 Oct 17 - 8AM (Reply to #24)

moonshine

thanks blueeyes

thanks for being there.

#16 Oct 18 - 2PM (Reply to #25)

blueeyes

Moonshine..

Your very welcome. Do you like music? If so, use it as an outlet. If not music, running, sewing...ect...It always helps me. :)

#17 Oct 18 - 3PM (Reply to #26)

moonshine

blueeyes

i love music and i am learning guitar after he dumped me. i run too ...go to the gym. do you play any instrument?

#18 Oct 17 - 1AM (Reply to #8)

moonshine

yes michele

Yes...they embrace lies. When i ask why they make me the outsider. I work in a creative industry. they want me for my "different outgoing opinion" ...but ..i am not included in general fun discussions. They feel they dont need me. but from my side..i just want to belong and be a part of so that i would feel loved or cherished...just human nature. No..it never happens. i go to lunches and just sit there staring while they all talk superficial nonsense. I am not even sure if the other person is listening or not cos its all about "themselves" they talk. my pysch also encourages it. he says that "why dont you just have friends with no trust involved". I was like...how could this happen? Doesn't trust and friendship go hand to hand?He feels that i am getting socially isolated and hence want to mix even if the person or group believes the N. I feel like I am in an different era shouting out loud that there is more to relationships. I think all these people who get along just use "pill" or alcohol to fit in. Get together...talk aboit themselves and go home. when this is questioned ...I become crazy..insecure..antisocial...etc ete. How could some one lie because its comfortable....they can because its a NARCISSISTIC SOCIETY. They can believe the lie. I am sick of being an option to the N. I am never a priority...i am a priority only in words.

#19 Oct 18 - 3PM (Reply to #21)

ewa

Again! Time to change the

Again! Time to change the job. At new job you may feel needed and get socially again! You need fresh air!

#20 Oct 17 - 1AM (Reply to #9)

michele115 (not verified)

Moonshine/Your Shrink...

Said: my pysch also encourages it. he says that "why dont you just have friends with no trust involved". What an asshole! And this is what I've been ranting about for weeks. You trust your vunerable mental health to these kinds of assholes...how is that logical to him or her. I would think that having that type of relationship over time would do you in more. If you cannot "connect" on some level with people, wouldn't that over time compound the feeling like a freak? Like a crazy? I get that there are all kinds of friends, but when one is in isolation to begin with, how does surrounding yourself with the superficial help??? And again, I believe we are sane...but why are we feeling like we're the minority?

#21 Oct 17 - 1AM (Reply to #10)

moonshine

i told the shrink

i told the shrink that "I WILL NOT DO IT"....and he said...."your are being a an extremist"....i told him "if wanting good is extremism...so be it...i might not win in your eyes or the societies eyes...but i will win in my eyes..i will be honest to me and to others who will come in contact with me". I am starting to have doubts on the advice he is giving me. He said its ok to hang out with the OW at work as long as she is favorable to me too (as well as the narc). I was stunned. I trusted him and told him the story of my life and this is what he gave me back ...a very professional help. he said ..i have to learn to live in this century. He says i dont have the skills to fit in and need to learn. I said...I have the great company plato..aristotle...great poets ..authors...i would rather spend time with them alone (reading a book)....than go looking for these friendships with out trust. he was stunned... I have made mistakes in life(falling down with the N) ...but i stood up and accepted it to others and started to work on it.... We have the guts to do it....the society does not.

#22 Oct 19 - 5AM (Reply to #20)

NancyM

Narc Alert

Ok I am with everyone that your shrink doesn't get IT, but I think there is a whole lot he does not get. With crap advice like you have been getting, ditch this non person and find a new therapist. He is only going to make things MORE confusing for you. Your in the right company here honey, listen to the ladies;)

Nevergoback

#23 Oct 17 - 10PM (Reply to #17)

Susan32

And they call him a "professional"???

Wow... just when you needed a therapist to help you, he kicks you when you're down. That HURTS. Thank goodness you DO have Plato and Aristotle! They made good friends during my D&D as well! A friendship without trust... what nerve. I remember going to the therapist on-campus during the D&D... yep, she had been the same one who said that I wasn't the crazy one for grieving my grandfather's death. And 3 years later, here I was again, because of the SAME GUY. She had said "he's your teacher, not a friend" but she did at least validate my feelings of betrayal. She acknowledged the pain... more than what the ex-P could do. I felt like I was being punished for having fallen in love with a teacher, so I didn't go back.

#24 Oct 17 - 11PM (Reply to #18)

moonshine

susan...

so ..shd i even go back to this shrink who encourages me to have friendship with out trust? good at lest she acknowledged the pain for you at that time. i think my shrink doesnt get it. he things this is mild trauma...i was like ..what? he was the one who called out my ex as a N ...but i dont think that he gets what it does to my head. he says...MOVE ON...just do positive things.. i feel he is missing something..

#25 Oct 18 - 5PM (Reply to #19)

Susan32

"MIld" trauma? It's like being "slightly" pregnant

You've been through major trauma. I can hand it to the therapist at the time that she- 1)Acknowledged my feelings of betrayal 2)Told me to focus on myself I was too shocked and too incoherent to really communicate. Even when I got on a board about Narcs a couple of months after the D&D, I was blabbering in obscenities and writing in all caps. I really don't know what to say, let alone how to say it. I'm just glad I didn't get sexually/romantically involved with the ex-Psych professor, because I probably would've been a goner. I'm glad the only sex I had with the ex-P was in dreams. YOUR shrink is right in calling your ex an N. He's right about doing positive things. Those are healthy. But still, he IS missing that you're severely traumatized. There's a lot of processing and contemplation you have to do. You want to make sense of what happened. You can't just "move on."

#26 Oct 17 - 2AM (Reply to #15)

Briseis

I'm with Michelle, your

I'm with Michelle, your shrink isn't "getting it". I'm glad you stood your ground with him. You aren't the only one who would rather spend time with the author of a good book than go to a hen party or a bar and bat my eyelashes. If that's what it takes to "live in this century" I'll pass thanks :D

#27 Oct 17 - 8AM (Reply to #16)

moonshine

the shrink

so..if he is not getting it....what do i do next? who do i go to next? he just wants me to do positive things and magically all these will go away. he does not want to talk about the way i think or deal with this...he just wants me to do. he doesnt want me to over analyze the N. But we all have question though...right? i told him what he is trying to do is to just put a band aid for a big wound. its not healing by just me going out and meeting people.

#28 Oct 17 - 2AM (Reply to #14)

michele115 (not verified)

Moonshine re: Breseis

Don't know if you're on meds, I will consider them. I think she gave some good advice. Yes, we have the guts to do it - but it is an isolating experience. Me, I get bored by shallow people but I do need to have the edge taken off... I don't know the answer... I just know what is... Wish I did though.

#29 Oct 17 - 1AM (Reply to #11)

michele115 (not verified)

How old is this twirp...I mean Shrink???

An extremist? Live in the new century? WTF... Sometimes, this "extremist" can't help but wonder if there really is one big conspiracy Mind control Through TV, radio, internet, whatever and the entire WORLD has been brainwashed. The more I hear, the more life seems to be one big frigging Twilight Zone episode! Did you ever see the one where the woman was "normal" and at the end all people had pig snouts but they labeled her crazy? There is something chilling about that episode and I feel I'm living it!

#30 Oct 17 - 1AM (Reply to #12)

moonshine

shrink

He could be 55 or more. What he is trying to teach me is that to mix with the crowd....superficially. at first i thought he is trying to work on me..but now i know he is one that wants to fit in. He is basically want me to turn into a N. just having superficial relationships to fill the void at every level. He says...go have different types of people for different interest..but dont need to trsut any one. he is just saying in other words is that "take what you want from them..and just dont care about them". I have not seen that episode that you are talking about ...but could relate. So...could we keep fighting? How long can we go on? This is my question for the topic...i feel all these are breaking me down....i am afraid that i will pick the N scrap to just belong some where. I am afraid that i will go back to my drug cos the reality and society just breaks me down.

#31 Oct 17 - 2AM (Reply to #13)

michele115 (not verified)

But if you pick N scrap

You will NEVER heal...you'll be tormented in this hell forever...

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