"I didnt see it coming"

I think the lesson here is not to beat ourselves up for "ignoring" or "missing" the red flags but learning to TRUST our instincts moving forward. That is/was a major lesson for me. Early on SO MANY things were sending alarm bells...dreams, this sense he was "dark" but somehow that was intriguing... Yea, there were EARLY flags I ignored, but there is no way I would have KNOWN ALL THIS - the Narcissism, the illness, what it entails. Despite the pain, I have come around the bend more confident, more outspoken, and more sure of myself. I still have some time ahead of me...I was one who did not like confrontation - I read somewhere that Narcs target people like that...this isn't an absolute of course...theories all over the place with this - but I could see how that would make me a prime target amongst other things... BUT now, I say what I have to say, I try to say it in a manner that is not offensive, but when you step on my toes, I let you know now...I don't shut my mouth and be a "nice girl" anymore, I don't stuff it, I don't own anybody's shit...and that is the only word that is appropriate here. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT and TO WHAT THEY SAY for they will tell you if you listen...* the latter are loosely the words of Maya Angelou... Hugs...

the first sign was months before I even met him for coffee, he came on really strong in his initial emails but then disappeared for a few months, then came back and did it again and then one more time before suggesting we meet then I asked him about my friend that he cheated on me with 20 years ago, when we dated the first time and he said: "The thing with Christie.... Wow ... She was a replacment for you... She ws unattched, passionless and beautiful in her way.. She was a wounded duck and I wanted to take care of her.... I never understood her....and if you really want to know the truth, we never really connected... Weird Have to get on my plane now.... Hope your around ti chat later" and I asked why he needed a replacement for me when I was right there and he said: "Hmmm standing in line to geton the plane I can say....you were first and maybe hard ti get to know... I strugg" and never finished his sentence...I let it go then there was the met up for coffee, he was 1 1/2 hours late! and had alcohol on his breath, knowing I'm in AA then there was the fact that he never emailed me again after our meeting, saying he thought email was the worst form of communication ever. He'd only text and call and his facebook page, originally I could see his wall (18 months ago) but at some point before we hooked up he changed his privacy settings so no one could see anything but the pictures (no wife or kids, so of course I didn't know about her). He said he had to do that because he had a stalker last year oh a million things, red flags, warning bells, I ignored them or let him dismiss them with half assed excuses by the time I got into his email, I already knew, maybe I didn't know the extent of it, I didn't know I wasn't the only girlfriend but I certainly knew he'd lied about being separated from his wife

where to start...a month in he said "is it bad I wish you'd get pregnant so you could never leave me"...wanting to talk marriage two-three months in after his divorce had just been finalized a month into us dating. How ironically all of his ex's were crazy...telling me he loved me while we were having sex two months in, how I was the love of his life....wanting to move in together within a few months... sobbing and begging when I'd question him about his feelings and his marriage because it didn't add up. Really do I need to go on??? What was my problem?!?! I was NC for over two weeks, but finally had to break and finally respond to a phone call via text because I still have stuff in the house...I had tried to arrange to get it out with his mother but he told her to stay out of it. Finally after the usual back and forth and manipulation I said forget it, you can keep whatever is there. I left Easter Sunday after I found out about another girl from a few months back...and shocking it appeared he had someone staying at our house the night after I left. Sorry so long...I've been reading comments all day and can't hold it in anymore. Worst part is I still blame myself because I questioned whether I could deal with his life...3 kids, ex wife, he's a cop...but when I got involved I was 100% in. I feel like his issues wore on me until I questioned and doubted everything. UGH!

Mine told me that none of his relationships have lasted more than 9 months. Silly me, I thought it would be different with me, of course! However, that alone was not a sign of him being a narc, but still: huge red flag!!!!

But two of them were the same age! And two of them had the same name!!!

I know what you mean. The ex N/P told me on the first date about a criminal record and It was very serious. What the hell was I thinking? He said that he is a different person and wanted me to know everything about him. He also told me he loved my by the second date. BIG RED FLAG! And what I found out later was even worse!

I did not!! He purposefully set out lying to me from the start, in so many ways he set me up to fall hard, but I didn't realize what he really was. I will never willingly involve myself with a married man! ever!

I first saw it, when he said he could just leave, leave his daughter. I saw it. I can't believe I saw it and push it back. Pushed it out of my mind. Thought it would be different with me. My love could change him. He has always just left the "people he loved" I feel so stupid for believing his lies.

First really small thing - We were meeting up for the first time @ Starbuck's. He already had his coffee and was sitting down when I got there. I just assumed we would get in line together, be there together. (I brushed it off as I have a GF who does the same thing sometimes and I'm sort of a stickler for manners, anyway.) Second thing was the next time we got together. Went back to his place and hung out on the deck. Out of the blue, he asked me if I wanted to stay over. Nothing was happening physically at all. I told him I wanted to, but I wouldn't. It was really late and I had walked to his place, just 4 blocks away. He thought it was PITA to walk me partway home. He told me he'd call and we'd talk about it, but he didn't. He put a note in my mailbox and "made me" chase him. I did, of course. The really big thing was after he told me all the things he wanted with me, he just *poof* disappeared. He was "gone" for eight months until he called and apologized. We ended up going out to dinner. Later that night, he told me that he loved me - twice. The first time, I sort of ignored it, thinking it was odd. He made a point to say it out loud a second time for all in the place to hear. Weeks later, he didn't "remember saying it" and "can count on one hand the number of people [he's] told that to and [you] aren't one of them. If [I] did say it, I meant it as a friend. We'll talk about it later." *poof* Disappeared again. Took me 3 more years to finally give up, leave him behind, and realize what exactly was different about him.

The very first thing I remember that wasn't "right" was him telling me he loved me (while having sex) after only a week of knowing each other. The biggest first incident I can remember was when we went camping almost a year into the relationship. I got really sick and wanted to go home, he got pissed. He dropped me off and sped out of my driveway so fast he squealed his tires. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. And I just remember thinking this isn't how it's supposed to be, he should have made sure I was ok and tucked me into bed. I knew at that moment there was something very wrong, but I stayed.

right away, he told me he had been in prison for something,and he had told me b/c he wanted to be honest and upfront, and didnt want me to hear it from any one else,BIGGEST RED FLAG I COULD HAVE GOT, IT WAS FOR A SERIOUS OFFENCE THAT I DONT WANT TO WRITE HERE, i still didnt run for the hills.

I saw it coming I would say from the first communication. I said hey remember me one of your ex girlfriends? He replied "I could never forget you." It was sent to me at 3:30 am. I felt the seduction from the very first communication. The heart of codependence is emotional dishonesty. From the first interaction to the last I was emotionally dishonest with my true self. My true self knew it was dangerous and that he was the same old con man he was 15 years ago but my false disconnected self loved the feeling he gave me it was like a drug I was willing to deny myself for. Not only did he betray me but I betrayed myself

I saw it before i even got involved with him! I saw through him and for a long time I knew who he was but he persisted long enough to hook me and once he knew I had let go of my ex enough for him to have me he began to play me. i'm trying to remember all the thoughts and feelings i had about him early on and I just knew he was fake and unreal and seemed to have no real concept of a real love and relationships. There were so many red flags and i didn't ignore them. I held back but in the end i fell in love and ignored them . Thats what really makes me angry with myself. Now he's hurt me. I actually used to look at him and think i don't like him. He doesn't have the genuine qualities that I have or that I look for in a person. But there were two of him. I wish that i could retain the thought of well you always knew and you were right but in the end i gave so much and he took it and trampled all over it. Only he was very clever at projecting all that onto me. Im so scared to be alone now. I hope i never ignore these red flags again. Truly scared.Thanks for this post.