I could really use some support =/

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#1 Jan 17 - 10AM

venuslovedpluto

I could really use some support =/

Hi, I haven't posted anything in awhile. I've been on the forums for the last couple weeks though, looking for reassurance and comfort from the only people I feel actually understand.

I slipped and let him back into my life. I guess I was doing some magical thinking, wondering if perhaps he isn't really some big, bad narc but just an abused person. Like I was as a child. In need of love and human interaction like anyone else. I like being around him, missed being near him, so I started thinking; "If I remain in control of the factors that can screw with my head, how can I get hurt? Why can't I just be around him and stop taking everything so seriously?" Well, now I feel like I'm at ground zero again and am so upset with myself. I tried to keep somewhat an emotional distance. Things he'd say that I'd normally be weirded out about, I tried to let slide off. If he'd say the L-word I'd just smile, I tried to stay in the present with him and not think in terms of building, not worry about foundation or healthy, consistent communication. Who has that anyway.

Within a couple weeks I was feeling agitated, down. I wasn't wanting to go anywhere or call anyone to talk about anything. I was snapping at my dogs and reaching boiling anger over things like stubbing a toe or misplacing my car keys. I knew it was because I was lying to myself. I tried talking to him, telling him I was feeling confliced. Inside. He was upset but probably only because it meant I didn't want to hang out. He didn't ask what I was feeling torn about, didn't even respect the space I asked for because he kept asking me to come over, becoming frustrated when I told him I needed to think some things thru for myself.

I feel like I'm addicted to this person. Yesterday I was feeling semi-sick, wanted to be alone but he asked if he could bring me breakfast, a protein drink, take care of me....I let him. I regret it. He said some things that have me feeling so uncomfortable today. I'm so depressed that I've been self-medicating with some pain pills I got from a gf to help me sleep. I let him know I had them, he saw them on my nightstand and asked. He didn't say much about them but later let me know that he "knows all of my idiosyncrasies, I can't hide anything from him". That creeped me out. I told him; I don't hide things from you...(while thinking- You've got some balls talking to me about hiding things). He even elaborated, telling me that if I did have something to hide, I couldn't and he'd know. Which I took offense to. He's so smart I guess that he'd know, but I'm so dumb that I was punked for years. I just let it go. The comments. Also the one he made while we watched a movie (depicting a girl straying from her bf to pursue another guy then coming back to the bf & asking for forgiveness); telling me "I'd be outta there, that would be it, done, over". I thought to myself....wtf? I'm sitting here watching movies with you, after your betraying me in the worst way possible, listening to you describe your non-existant moral relationship-code, am I having auditory hallucinations or is this the Orwellian doublethink mentioned in the description of how they lie.

I'm feeling bad because I keep arriving at feeling deserving of some of this. Which makes me sick because I think all of my flaws or struggles were things he never cared about, never mentioned to me, simply stored upstairs to use as justification or excuse for treating me like a non-person. That makes me so angry, it's so ass-backward, so wrong. So why do I feel guilty? Ashamed? I feel like I've got this ominous cloud around myself today and I can't shake it, I'm so afraid that I'll keep doing this to myself and I desperately need something concrete that I can hold onto to help me let him go permanently. I feel pathetic for wanting that something but I so do. Why isn't all of this enough? Why do I keep going back, as if all the crap has somehow faded or become magically irrelevant? Why do I feel so addicted and so afraid that everyone else will feel muted and dull next to this Technicolor person I've been so attached to for so long. Why do I often feel like putting up with the crap isn't so bad and that maybe I deserve it.

#2 Jan 19 - 5AM

MsVulcan500

Venus,

I know exactly what you are saying. I too, went through this where I thought I was just in it for the moment until I had something better to do with my time. But I was lying to myself too, because I really wanted SOMETHING, ANYTHING back from him. And I never got it. I kept lowering the bar and he still kept letting me down. You have been doing the research, figuring out this PD, so you know he can't change. You have also been around him long enough to see the pattern. And that pattern will go on endlessly until he decides he's done. You know you're not happy with him, but you're scared to be without him. He has been the central focus of your life for 5 years. The quote "don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option" really hit me. He was a priority to me, taking up more of my time and energy than my children, my job, my friends, my reponsibilities in general. And I was only an option for him, when he had free time to kill. When I realized NO ONE, not even me, was there for me, I knew I had to make that break. Someone had to be there for me, and who better than me? And it was hard, it was damn hard. I had so much free time in my head not knowing how to act with no one pushing or pulling me to behave in a certain way. I felt lost, adrift. Honestly, it took a few months for me to start really thinking about me, doing for me, caring about me. You can do this, you know deep down it is the best thing for you. I wish you luck, and tons of strength, but if you hold tight on NC, after a while you won't want him contacting you. Stay close here and you will get lots of love and support from everyone here. Even though we don't know you, we care more about you and your future than he ever did. But then again, so does your garbage man.

#3 Jan 19 - 6AM (Reply to #29)

venuslovedpluto

Thank you so much

I know you're right. I've known all kinds of things about him, instinctively, for a long while. I'm ready to be honest with myself about it now. What's different this time...I don't need confirmation or answers from him. I've seen enough. Enough contradiction, enough selfishness, enough lying, it's become irrelevant. It used to be so very important and a huge part of what kept me going back for more. I needed that validation. Well, I thought I did. I know now that I will never get that, I will never be seen as a whole person to him (just a prop and only tolerable if being a happy adoring one), so why would I ever transform into someone of real value with relevant feelings, hopes, needs. He shattered my trust, abandoned me every time I needed him, I'm allowing him to abuse me if I go back and that can't happen. I'm sick from the rollercoaster. I'm losing myself. I have 17.5 hours NC now and I'm not tempted at the moment to break it. I'm feeling stronger than I did on Monday and Tuesday for sure. I'm going to keep coming here again for strength and support, thank you so much for your encouragement. I'm trying hard to give myself a break because I feel pretty humiliated.

#4 Jan 18 - 1PM

spinning

Venus, dear heart,

please do not give this person any more of your time. Read all of the excellent comments here and take them to heart. Listen to your gut. You know this is not good for you. I'm pulling for you and for all of us... Sincerely (trying very hard to stop) spinning

spinning

#5 Jan 19 - 5AM (Reply to #26)

venuslovedpluto

I'm trying so hard

I know. And thank you. I'm becoming physically ill because of the toll this has taken on my emotional and mental health. I am in so much pain that I can't even see straight and at this point, something inside me has taken over, is overriding my heart and stepping in between every time I go back for more. Within a day or two I can't even believe it's me, the way I'm acting. Like a crazed animal in a corner, waving verbal weapons around, even trying to repel him. I know what this means, it scares me so badly, I'm paying attention now.

#6 Jan 19 - 6AM (Reply to #27)

gettinbetter

yes I became physically ill

yes I became physically ill as well but the longer you stay the ill feeling will eventually lift. I know this sounds crazy but google psychic chord cutting you may think its a bunch of fooey but it helped me alot.

#7 Jan 17 - 1PM

Disillusionedx2

You said yourself

That you want to be loved and to be in a relationship, we all did, but, that is NOT what this is. You know what he is; he's incapable of giving you what you want, he's an alien. He is a DISORDER; there will be no getting around it. He will keep you on this ride until you decide to get off or until he does a final d/d and disappear, you never know how it will end, but it will, the longer you hang on the worse it will be. You thought you would be able to interact with him without much emotional involvement, as Ally says, that's an encounter, not a relationship, besides your emotions are already in place, since you're human they aren't going to "fade" out. I tried that stunt to, and it backfired! I was so very angry with myself believing I can handle this now that I know what I am dealing with, boy was I sadly mistaken. I never in life would want to be involved with another empty shell of an alien such as the disorder again, it's so ridiculous and inhumane it's almost hard to believe I ever was. The ladies have made some excellent points and they are the TRUTH, I have been to the deepest, darkest place ever dealing with this disease. It is very much akin to an addiction, we as empaths need to make sense of how did we end up becoming a slave to a disorder? The answer is not that difficult, we are human beings capable of loving and feeling genuine emotions, we know there is something the matter with the disorder and we want to help or fix it, little do we know, we cannot. It's bigger than us, best to get on a fast track out of narcville and save what's left of your soul, best wishes. stay~striving

stay~strong

#8 Jan 17 - 12PM

gettinbetter

Wow

This post really got to me. It is no secret around here that I suffer from a severe addiction to the narc. One that resurfaced after 15 years nc. A number of things really struck a nerve with me on this one. I too began talking with the Narc thinking Im in control here Im not gonna get attached. Ill just enjoy him for the time I have him back in my life and when he goes he goes. Well I was far from in control. He sucked me back in with I love you's and Ill wait for you as long as it takes (Im married) the next thing I knew he was discussing us choosing a place to live and how much time it would take for us to sort out the issues but said he was never more sure of anything that he wanted me back in his life. Well as we all know things began to sour. He began pulling away. Not calling when he said he would and showing a lack of interest this is when I began to see how addicted I had become. I started unraveling. For the last 8 months my health went completely down hill. I have not been able to focus on my job or family. This past summer he dealt me a 2 month silent treatment which completely f d me up psychologically. I have had days where I have felt I just couldnt handle the pain anymore all the while having an internal dialogue in my head of sick of it how could you have been so stupid. You put your family in jeopardy for this jerk who never loved you and the other half of me would say but I love him. So I have had this battle raging inside of me. Thankfully he went complete nc on me and honestly it has been terrible hurtful but a blessing. It has allowed the conflict to calm a bit but I am still struggling. I too have felt that I deserve alot of this for getting involved in the first place. It is true that everything does feel dull compared but Im starting to realize that a little dullnes is good and much better than the off and on highs and lows that I had been feeling with the lows getting lower each time. I applaud you for coming here and admitting all of this publicly. Its really hard to that Here's to dullness. I think Ill take that opposed to gut wrenching pain any day of the week

#9 Jan 17 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

MandyM

I'm struck by people

I'm struck by people referring to it as an addiction. Just last week, in my therapy session, I told my therapist, "Praise God, I've never smoked, never done drugs, rarely drink, rarely gamble, so I've never had to fight an addiction . . . but this must be what recovery feels like." Another sign that I'm in the right place being here, I guess. My gut knew.

#10 Jan 17 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

venuslovedpluto

Addiction

Yes, it so is because of the element of control. For me, it's like I keep wanting to go back & make the picture right. Behave right, hope he'll understand for real, I want to keep looking for the person my heart insists might be there with the right factors in place. I look and look and look to fill the empty place. I know the empty place is the human condition, but I feel like he took that hole and opened it up into a canyon. Yet I keep hoping to bridge it anyway. It's crazy, I can read other people's stories, I feel like I know where they're hurting or where the guy is getting in and I can help maybe. I get it, I can see. But with me...with this man...it's so much harder, it's different somehow. I'm going to have to be so strong. At times I seriously think I feel hatred for him. For so carelessly, arbitrarily, easily, ripping so much out of my heart and taking so much from my sense of trust, sense of self. When all of it seemingly meant next to nothing to him.

#11 Jan 19 - 7AM (Reply to #21)

Disillusionedx2

So sad but true

You will experience an myriad of emotions, hate and anger are biggies, I am extremely angry today, ugh, when I was angry in the past I was ok with it, happy to be angry (makes no sense I know) but today, I feel like he still has control of my emotions, either way, don't suppress your emotions, you must go through them in order to recover, if it's too much to handle perhaps professional help may be an option for you. It makes me ill that human beings exist, and are capable of throwing another one under the bus, and move on as if they do not have a care in the world, you're the main concern now, he's going to be what he is, try your best to remain strong, post as often as you must, learn as much as you can, pray for strength to make it through another day, best wishes. stay~striving

stay~strong

#12 Jan 19 - 11AM (Reply to #22)

venuslovedpluto

Anger

Thank you. Your post was comforting. I feel the anger today too, you aren't alone. It's helping me with the NC at least. =/ I've been here before with it so many times, the whole array, been so immersed that I've given myself tension migraines, acid stomach, the rage inside me not just from the N but stepdad trauma too. That makes this that much more complicated for me, it sometimes makes me feel like I hate him. HATE HIM. For knowing I was sexually abused, the event never validated by either parent- and tossing me under that Mack Truck anyway- using me, not concerned about how his added abuse would compound and affect me emotionally. The pain from that is unreal. I can't relate at all to how a human being can be so detached from compassion, empathy, the desire to nurture and protect, it just makes me sick. I hate too that all the time I obsess over finding specific examples of why and how he's a psycho so that my mind doesn't fixate instead on my doubts and what-ifs. As if I need concrete proof in order to feel comfortable totally letting go or something. Like it's barely in my control (even though I know that's not so). Grrrrr, it drives me nuts.

#13 Jan 19 - 11AM (Reply to #23)

Disillusionedx2

Sure, I totally understand

I feel less angry at this moment, even though I have read everything I could get my hands on, experienced his rages, uncaring, detached, I love you with all my heart one moment, and the next moment I hate your guts, ugh, it's made me ill more times than I can count, physically and emotionally. I trust NOONE now, I don't know when I will ever have anything close to a "normal" interaction with a guy, at the moment I can't even fathom it. I did attempt it, but I couldn't trust myself enough to follow through with the first date, it was sad, I'm angry that I can't move on yet. You will never get any validation from these guys; they are monsters, incapable of feeling anything genuine for anyone, even themselves. Stay close to the board, the new one I believe have a buddy list feature of some sort, you can chat real time, I believe, I am going to check it out, my name is the same there so join in, it may help better to join in on a chat like discussion, best wishes Hun. stay~strong

stay~strong

#14 Jan 17 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

gettinbetter

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I can see it in other people. In fact here recently I found myself getting a irritated with some posts from people who have been on this board more than a year and still going back for more thinking counseling with the Narc might help. I want to say are you freaking kidding me? I wanted to scream How much more evidence do you need that this man is not going to get better that he doesnt love you. Im the last person who should be feeling that way toward anyone else. I can see it in myself but I am unable to correct it. It has been like a puzzle that I keep trying to solve but there is no possible solution yet I keep trying in my mind. It makes me absolutely crazy! Venus I totally get what you saying here. I feel the very same way. It has to do with the trauma bond. How long were you with this guy?

#15 Jan 17 - 10PM (Reply to #14)

venuslovedpluto

Too Long

Sick of It- I've known him for 7 years, close for about 5...completely unaware that he was married. You probably think I'm mentally retarded now. It's super embarrassing admitting that a person like this still has any kind of hold on me but yeah, the trauma bond. It makes sense. My stepdad was a narcissist. And like 5 kinds of abusive. He was charming and kind until my Mom was pregnant and had a ring on her finger, at which point he morphed into a schizo-esque control freak and predator. I hate the guy. But he calls me on Christmas and tells me he loves me and for some reason I feel a kind of pang- like I'm supposed to love him back. I guess because as vulnerable kids, we're programmed instinctively to feel that way about parental figures. Despite trauma even, we'll block it out, quietly loyal to that love that our life is pretty dependant on. I don't know if it's related. I hope not because it disgusts me to think that I'd choose a man to reinact past trauma with. I'd rather think I was attracted to the sparks that flew when Cluster B was near me. I'm sure it's the perfect storm of all these variables plus right place, right time, vulnerable girl, charismatic guy. I'd like to go back in time and kick my own ass for ignoring that very first flag.

#16 Jan 17 - 10PM (Reply to #15)

gettinbetter

In my situation Im the one

In my situation Im the one who is married and he now lives 6 hours from me. I only saw him 3 times last year and I think to myself good Lord sick of it get a grip what is it that has you so addicted to him? Well our relationship 20 years ago that lasted around 6 years. Though we were only together together about 4 of those. It was all very traumatic and dramatic. He lived two miles from me and we worked together on top of it all throw in a pregnancy and it was one big soap opera. For me I know with out a doubt that I keep reenacting the trauma with him trying to get a different out come. The out come where I win but it never happens. I allowed him to creep back into my life tarnishing my marriage which has been a pretty good one for 14 years. Im sure he loves that little trophy. I know for a fact that in his mind he looks at my husband and thinks Oh you think she belongs to you but she doesnt she's mine and she always will be. 20 years ago he told one of my friends that and he made good on it. Another friend of mine has said Oh sick of it he's not done with you. Hes done with you for now. You are too complicated having a small child and all but when your child gets older trust me he'll be back and honestly I kind of have to agree. Normally I would say oh no hes done with me forever but this time he always made a point of saying I will ALWAYS love you. It seemed weird how he would always stick ALWAYS in there. It was like he was making a point. Almost like he was saying Im leaving you for now but Ill be back and when I do come back and you tell me Narc you never loved me he can say sick of it I told you over and over I would always love you that I would love you for the rest of my life. Its like he knew he was gonna need to revert back to that phrase in the future. So weird. Thank God I only have a year in this time. I had no business getting involved with him but he was so convincing that he still loved me and I truly believed that he was the love of my life.

#17 Jan 17 - 10PM (Reply to #16)

venuslovedpluto

Control Freaks

Ugh, how creepy- all of the stock phrases & characteristics. Mine tells me he'll always love me too. Would you feel it from your N? Did you ever? A feeling that felt like love/being loved?

#18 Jan 18 - 11AM (Reply to #17)

gettinbetter

Well yes at times I would

Well yes at times I would and when he first came back I think he believed it himself. I think he thought ok it was her all along she's the one. I'm going back to something warm and familiar I don't care that she's married I need her for myself. You see I think they reenact the traumas that they have experienced thru us. Everyday and with every new or old relationship its like ground hog day they reenact it all hoping for a different outcome just as I reenact the trauma I had with him expecting a resolution to my internal conflict in a way as victims we are a lot like them we mirror them they experience their conflict thru us by proxy. So the short answer is yes i think they confuse the euphoric feeling and newness with love until the excitement wears off and the boredom sets in then you are no longer The one you merely become a security blanket and the search starts again for the one. I hope I haven't rambled too much

#19 Jan 18 - 1PM (Reply to #18)

venuslovedpluto

Narc Love

No, you are not rambling at all and thank you. I wanted to know because I never felt loved by CB. I felt adored, desired, pursued, but never loved. He never accepted me as a whole person, he only wanted to interact with me if I was happy, cheerful, giving him my focused attention and interested in sex. If I were gloomy he'd try and cheer me up, mostly by touching. Which was okay because I liked affection, but in hindsight I think it's really sad that I can't remember being asked; "Hey...how are you really? What's going on with you? I'm concerned, you can talk to me if you want to", etc. I feel so stupid for sticking around for so long. I want to write down everything that ever made me cry and hold it in my hands when my mind insists on seeing just his smile, feeling his hug, remembering his smell. I don't want to relapse again. I'm also afraid I might have a new addiction to wrestle with now. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I have some new insight now (trauma bonding, Groundhog Day), understanding this way is definitely helpful to me. =)

#20 Jan 18 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

gettinbetter

Oh your welcome. Funny you

Oh your welcome. Funny you should say something about it his smell. I miss the smell of him and I used to run up to him and say let me smell you

#21 Jan 18 - 3PM (Reply to #20)

Happy1

OMG

I would say the same exact thing!!! I would always lean in and say... "I love your smell. I'm so addicted to you". That's freaky

#22 Jan 17 - 12PM

Briseis

No auditory hallucinations,

No auditory hallucinations, it's the doublespeak :D You are certainly in the grip of an addiction. All you can do is say NO to the insanity. You know it's ridiculous, that sense that maybe you "deserve it". Why is he your punishment? For what? For going back to him in the first place, sorta like, you made your bed now lie in it? He is exactly what he is, and you write and think like a very bright person. You KNOW what he is. I think your issue is more about not knowing yourSELF, perhaps? That you have a guilt and martyrdom-type attitude sneaking around there :) ?? In general I sense a lack of connection to yourself. Believe me, when you push past those first weeks or months and do the healing work, you don't WANT a Technicolor person in your life. You will RUN from them, or keep them at a distance so they don't get that Technicolor crap on you :D Drama becomes obvious for what it is. A distraction from the pleasure of being at home with yourself, a menace to your peace and serenity. You haven't found yourself in there yet. Once you do, a person like him won't be attractive, the addiction will be broken and you'll move on. In the meantime, you just have to continue to be totally honest with yourself. I sense you are very honest with yourself. It will do it's work on you :)

#23 Jan 19 - 1AM (Reply to #8)

fooled no longer

straight up

I agree wholeheartedly with everything Briseis said, however im going to give to you straight up. Because when youre in this Narc fog, its hard to penetrate your rational mind sometimes with the truth. so here it is. Whatever you already got outa seeing this dipstick pretending to be a man, is as good as it gets with him. He cannot, will not give you anything, hes taking from you. thats never going to change. If you keep going to a bank where the funds are empty. you keep showing up at the ATM to draw money, and it tells u the same thing. No money! please consult your bank and hand in your card. so you keep showing up to draw money. it says the same thing. theres no way around this you gotta face it. it doesnt matter what you do, the result will be the same. The words he says to you are imaterial. nothings gonna change!!!!!!!! What can change is you stop listening, waiting, expecting this cash machine to spit out some money at you. Its not going to, EVER !!! If a tramp came up to you on the street and told you u were the most beautiful woman hed seen. would you believe him???? no! youll give him coins maybe, for food. which he'd pobably spend on drink. and youll move on, knowing exactly that thats all it is. Thats exactly the transaction thats taking place wuth yiu and the Narc over and over again. tge Narc cant believe he keeps getting lucky with the same bs!!! next time you hear any words. you will rember this conversation and see him as a tramp. no excuses! easier solution is to shut down the bank account. dont talk to the tramp ignore him. No contact, this is. walk on by, walk on by. This will work!

#24 Jan 19 - 5AM (Reply to #9)

venuslovedpluto

Fooled

Yeah, you're dead on...this is exactly where I keep coming. I get fed up with feeling depleted, frustrated while he cruises along at status quo, positioning everything to gravitate around and accomodate him. While I get the blame for anything at all negative, living in some kind of back-assward hell I feel compelled to mentally stay up on all the time too. I become exhausted, infuriated, aggressive even, I tell him to fuck off. I get stronger, more healthy, comfortable with the distance, yet something takes me back to the Atm again, looking to see if those funds are there this time maybe. Because dammit it can't be that hard for the bank to see that I'm owed, I've earned this, I need this money and have been giving him mine for years. Doesn't he see me standing here hurting, doesn't he understand me, feel me, feel for me, it me. But no, it's the same redundant rollercoaster ride from hell, we've done this quite a few times and he's still willing. It's blows my mind. I know he's exhausted from it too. I can't believe he was able to fake emotional depth and presence and now this...it's like my heart doesn't want to accept it, even though my mind has been clueing me in on it for years. I began NC yesterday at noon, it's 4 a.m. in Tucson, that means I have 16 hours. I got a little =( sad face from him at 2a.m. but am not going to text back. I usually have a hard time not responding to anything that makes me think he's sad. I guess I'm going to have to find some way to help myself away from that kind of thinking. Thank you so much for your post, great analogy, enormously helpful.

#25 Jan 17 - 12PM

Happy1

venus

I understand where you are. It's been so easy for me to slip back in the relationship with my narc so he can take away this empty feeling I have. This ongoing pain that everyone says will get better. I feel heart broken and want to do anything to make it better. But, the bottom line is..if I did return to the narc, he would do the same things and hurt me all over again and it really is worse each time. So, my advice to you is to make the leap like I have and be done and NC. I am having a very difficult time each day and each minute of every day right now but I know there's a better place for me and I'm willing to go through this pain to get there. I am very addicted to my Narc. I'm embarrassed to be so addicted. He dictated everything we've done and what I wore and what we ate and what time we did all this. He was the control of everything and I mean everything in my life. I now have to figure everything out and figure out how and why I've done this. I want to be loved so bad and have a relationship so bad I guess I was willing to overlook absolutely everything. Anyway, I hope you get your strength and trust me, you have it... you need to get your strength and go NC as soon as possible. I was short with everyone as well. My heart and mind were fight eachother when i was with my Narc too. I feel what you are experiencing because mine is so new. You can do it for you! Happy1

#26 Jan 17 - 11AM

ally2375

Venus

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having a hard day. Here are my thoughts on (hopefully) making it a bit better. I’ve done exactly what you’ve done. I thought I could live in the moment, not take things too seriously, enjoy spending time with my N without the old emotions kicking in. Here’s the problem: we are human and have emotions. We can’t decide intellectually not feel something; we can only control our actions, which eventually shape our emotional framework. This is why NC works. By not remaining physically engaged, eventually the emotional pull lessens. Additionally, human relationships are not static. They can’t remain “in the present.” That’s not a relationship, it’s an encounter. You said you were “trying not to think in terms of building, foundation or consistent communication” and then asked “who has that?” The answer is EVERY SINGLE person in a HEALTHY relationship has that! Whether it’s a friend, a co-worker or a lover, these things are cornerstones. Imagine living “in the present” at your job, where your boss refuses to confirm whether you’ll have a job tomorrow. That’s just nuts. Here’s the good news. You fell but you got up again. We all falter - you're not alone there. You learned another boundary you have for yourself. You now know that you can’t live with inconsistency and you can’t live without expectations either. No relationship with anyone is completely free of some sort of need on both parts. It sounds to me like you’re beating yourself up for having emotions, having needs, wanting to depend on someone that you care about, and wanting to be treated with consistent respect. Does any other that sound overly demanding you? It shouldn’t, because you should NEVER settle for less. We all go back and forth with the bad feelings. The inconsistency of emotion you feel probably has a lot to do with the inconsistency in the relationship. He leaves you to starve and then, just when you think you can’t take it, he tosses you a crumb. The crumb sustains you for awhile and you start to think, “Maybe this isn’t so bad! I can do this.” Then you begin to starve again, until he deigns to toss another crumb at you. You deserve more than crumbs. Hugs, Ally

#27 Jan 17 - 3PM (Reply to #5)

venuslovedpluto

Overly

Everyone, Thank you so much, this helped me identify the source of my guilt I think. I do know it's normal to have feelings...I like someone to be there to listen and not find it difficult, but that's not him. My feelings are a source of frustration to him. Which hurts so much that my own feelings have started feeling like an irritant to me as well. I think he even does some splitting with me because when I'm happy and not talking feelings, he'll call me "The New Tara". If I'm unhappy or conflicted and trying to express it, he recoils almost immediately, calling my words "Jekyl and Hyde" or "Trip-out/Tripper". It makes me furious because I get painted like some naggy type. Which in reality is so far from me, I'm a pleaser and not one to find things to complain about. If I'm going there, something is seriously wrong. The things I had to say became so distorted, so misdirected, somehow got blown into me being a constant complainer. As if the poison that began to infiltrate everything about our connection was entirely fabricated by me, unrelated entirely to him. The harder I worked to be heard, the more he resisted, the bigger the problem became, and it was all my fault. I was a big, negative, dead weight. Bringing everyone down. In December I became so angry that I was scaring myself. Finding myself acting like an animal, lashing out with everything I had in that angry place, then retreating into myself for days, refusing to even text with him. Not wanting to leave home. He told me I should get counseling. Told me to quit smoking crack, go see my Mom, get a hobby, stop obsessing about the past, get in touch with reality, get over myself. I don't feel there's anything wrong with me...beyond the self-medicating (no crack), but it's easy to get disoriented when I'm really upset, I start feeling like there is. This feeling like guilt creeps in. When I feel anything negative now. My instincts tell me all the time that he's not quite right, that something is off, but he can seem so very sane too and that's confusing, especially when I'm comparing my state of mess to his perma status-quo. I seriously feel like he's put so much emphasis on surface/appearance/self-control, and done so much damage to my sense of self/inner peace/safety, that I feel conditioned. Like Pavlov or something, I have a trigger response to my own negative feelings and it's bad, and I look to him for comfort, only able to get it too if I further internalize those feelings. It's so bad now. It's affecting my health. I know I need to stay away, especially at this point. I was doing fine for awhile, I'd done so much research and so much work on myself & felt pretty mentally healthy, but feeling that centered had me wanting to be near his energy again. The crappy things he'd say and do felt like things I actually did exaggerate or make up. He's a very even-keel, mellow, happy person. I've only once ever seen him mad, he rarely expresses even irritation. He's the somatic kind, if he is indeed a Cluster B. My gut tells me he is. But he has his life together, he's an engineer, takes good care of himself and his things, is an outwardly nice person, is well-liked and fun to be around. He has a sense of humor, is able to laugh at himself, he makes me feel calm and content a large amount of the time. I tend to take better care of me when he's in my life because he takes such good care of himself. He eats the right things, no drugs/alcohol, normal sleep patterns, gets out and does healthy stuff. I tend to isolate myself and sometimes take the pills. So yeah, I start feeling like I'm the one with the problem. I'm abnormal, irresponsible, unhealthy, overly-sensitive, over-thinker, gloom-and-doom and deserve to be sitting in gloom if I choose to be. Or I can make an effort to don't-worry-be-happy, stop living in the past and just be cool together, he tells me. My mind, back to the tricks. I guess I'm going to have to just trust the instincts. They're pretty powerful. Yesterday when he was saying that I can't hide anything from him, it freaked me out so much that someone who'd done a ridiculous amount of lying had no problem whatsoever saying that to me. As if it weren't his reality. I had the distinct feeling that he really does live some kind of mental duality, unaffected or concerned with his own contradictions. Maybe even unaware? Or is this conscious? I cannot live with the dissonance. It's going to make me mentally ill. I hate that I'm seriously writing this, that this is me, that I messed up this badly. Backtracked into hell.

#28 Jan 17 - 11AM

onwithmylife

venus loves pluto

Do not mean too be too harsh, but it sounds like you are deluding yourself into thinking you can have any type of relationship with this Narc fellow. For so many years, I did the same thing, even when I KNEW the relationship was not REAL, but a FARCE, even remember saying that very word to myself, you cannot pretend to be someone you are not, where you mention just being in the moment with him, if you cannot get down and dirty and I mean nitty gritty conversations with someone you are in a relationship for, then what the hell is it all about!>???go to the zoo and establish a realtionship with the gorilla, you will have more fun and be better off!!And it is not you but THEY want you to think that, so do not fall for that, read more about Narcissism if need be, get help if you feel you need to talk with a trained professional, I just hope you do not spent 15 years like I did with the man.......I am looking for a genuine man and relationship. It is called ADDICTION, we have all been through it and i might add OBSESSION, which I had as well, never had it before I met the EXN and never will again....

#29 Jan 19 - 5AM (Reply to #2)

venuslovedpluto

I know

It's really hard to accept that such a warm, intelligent person, this guy I have such crazy chemistry with, is emotionally vacant. It's been a traumatic experience, trying to accept this. It hurts so much. It's unbelievable. Keeps on hurting.

#30 Jan 19 - 6AM (Reply to #3)

onwithmylife

venuslovespluto

I totally understand, why do you think i spent 15 years of MY life trying vainly to make the relationships work, because i loved the man so dearly or I should say, the man I first met and knew, NOT who he really is a monster, who cannot even thank me for sending him a card, knowing he is dying of throat and stomach cancers, what does that tell you about the man. He thinks only of HIMSELF. With time, doing your homework, staying on the board and getting help if you need to, will you realize who these men really are monsters of deceit............and i discovered LOVE DOES NOT CONQUER ALL, when it comes to people with personality disorders.....

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