I caved -- I broke NC

I experienced the very same feelings. Exactly! And they recur almost every day. So painful! I described it to someone as having to be pulled away from the open grave after a funeral. Or a nightmare where all I want is to wake up. But, ever so insiduously, each day has gotten a tiny bit better. And then sometimes things feel worse again but always a little better eventually. As a medical person (with a spiritual bent) I KNOW that all living things aim for healing. When disordered (like NPDs) they can't achieve it. But it's like a sunflower following the light. Healing will happen. I still cry a lot and my stomach feels knotted, but in between times I feel stronger than I have ever been before. Hang on.

I've spent my share of time curled up in a ball wondering how the fuck it came to this. I was wrapped up tightly in the relationship, it felt like life and death...how enpowering for the exwn it must have been to watch me grovel and whine, her cheating on me and me begging for another chance. Boy, was I decieved, lost, and devastated. Just thinking back on how enmeshed I was makes me wonder who that guy was! I was playing the narc game to the nth degree. Giving that sickness all the supply it needed. Shit all over me some more, I can take it! What other choice did I have. The world gets very small when you are living in their world, you can get consumed by it. The drama, the reflection, the negotiations, the discussions, the wonderings, the figuring it all out, the abandonment...very heady stuff. Stuck in the circle and web, able to see no way out. Lost. I think I understand, my version was pathetic. The process was slow, progress was slow also. I kept wanting her to change. Never happened. Never will. I had to change, I had to grow. I had to grow up. I had to live knowing sanity required that she live with the consequences of her actions. That meant me not being there anymore. It meant me moving out. It meant me divorcing. It meant me no answering when she called. It meant me learning to not respond when she did call. It meant me acting grown up when I didn't want to. It meant me accepting that my life was going to be lived without her in it. I had to learn to live without her presence. Thirteen years under the same roof. A child together. And my narc had the moves, believe me. It wasn't all shit. The early years were pretty good. Lots of flags and chaos, but lots of compensating factors as well. Like life gives you. Not all bad or good. I started noticing things living without her. I wasn't bombarded with crazy making anymore. I made the connection that commuicating with her meant inviting the bullshit back in my life. Backing out of the emotional connections we had built was very hard. All through the first year apart I still felt responsible for her, for her pain and responsible try to help her. It was a habit of thought that had to be broken. She had d and d'd me, and still I felt obligated to listen and help...and the magical thinking and cog-diss didn't vaporize overnight. Done sourcing does have a white knight complex, dont't you know! I wanted to fix the problem, even after knowing for years that I wasn't the problem, and that the problem (her) didn't want to change, she just wanted to point fingers and play teflon tactics, pass the projection, and dynamic deflection. And I love a challenge...but was completely over my head. I was stuck in fantasy thinking, hoping that a miracle would happen. Of course they (miracles) don't come when telling God exacly what the miracle should look like, and what it should accomplish. In other words I was telling God what to do. Fix the sickness and make us whole. His plan was to get me out of the sickness and make me whole. I was the one praying, and he was trying to answer my prayer. I finally let him sort it all out, and he did. I found out about NPD soon after the willingness to open to his plan came upon me. When I finally let go of the exact outcome, great things started happening in my life. I learned slowly about the value of NC. Then I learned that I was responsible to not respond when she contacted me. I played that game for awhile. My exwn would make contact often, so I could just wait for her to call and then engage and play. Bad game for Done sourcing--gives her power and me nothing but hurt, anger, and humiliation. Never closure. For all of you who want closure, stop playing that game...waht you really want is another chance to engage, and hope that it was all a bad bad dream. Closure looks like this. Close the door. Look back. See the closed door. That is closure. Don't open it again. Don't answer if they knock. That is closure. Do that 100%, and the rest will unfold perfectly. Fuck with that, and all the therapy and good thoughts and sane thinking goes down the toilet...engaging with sickness makes us sick. Slam the door and walk towards the light of freedom. What a ride! ds

Don't feel bad, i'm hoping my N misses me too. We last spoke Wednesday after I texted him twice to say we needed to meet up (after a night of crying). He agreed to meet with me the next day and told me to call when I was ready. I never called. I just couldn't bring myself to sit in front of him pouring my heart out while he watched me in dead silence looking like he was bored to death. He never called either and i'm trying my best not to contact him. I miss him A LOT but the more I think about how he has treated me the more I feel like a fool. I've been reading about N's for the past week trying to understand him. I still love him and something in me wants to let him know that and try to make up for whatever pain has caused him to be this way. He is so cold. I know that while i'm having sleepness nights and genuine concern for him he is probably in someone elses bed right now and i'm the furthest thing from his mind. I hate this!!!

so sad. My disordered one was very stealth. He loved me to come groveling. He was the MOST patient disordered one ever! But guess what...........they have a seventh sense! I think they can feel your energy as you move on. That's when contact happens. WHEN YOU STOP GROVELING. Your narc is not really different than anyone else's here, he just uses maybe a more stealthy way of acting out. Some narcs are relentless, others more patient. They aren't worth groveling too at all and if it helps, what your narc said to you is almost word for word what mine would have said to me. It's word salad, push/pull in the same exact way. they're crazy. Stay NC. Look at his sickness, without projecting it onto yourself. NOrmal people do not say or do those things.

"It seems like my narc is not quite like other narcs -- he does not get up to needy, desperate and overtly punishing antics. Instead, he is haughty and cold, preferring, it would seem, for me to do all of the crawling." My abuser is the same as yours in this respect! EXACTLY the same! He is a coldazz MF'r..........good riddance!

All good advice!! Your narc is no different than the others. Sparrows correct, the wording means everything!! What he said and did to you is almost word for word what Ive experienced!! Did contact make you feel better??No! This is not fixable.. I promise in time ( and it seems a long way away) you will feel better!!! Next time sit on your hands!!! :) I'll say it 1000 times " Scrambled Eggs" Hunter

Don`t beat yourself up about it, Dulcinea. It happens to all of us. Delete it and move on. Back to day 1 NC, but with the difference that you`ve learned something. I also wondered if mine was really a narc, or a good man I had driven crazy. But the D&D is unmistakeable, and what I always cling to if I don`t feel sure. He D&D`d me for NO REASON, long before I started to behave in clingy, needy or crazy ways. That`s the first clue: good men don`t D&D. Second clue: normal people don`t just move on after a breakup with no regrets or remorse. Normal people self-reflect and take responsibility for their own contributions to the breakup. Normal people want and give closure. And normal people grieve the end of a relationship. So you are right on par for the course! Give yourself a big hug (I give you one too), blow your nose, tell yourself you`re a wonderful woman and that shithead doesn`t deserve you, and MOVE ON. NC from now on, OK? Love Tigerlily

It happens, thanks for sharing. I know it hurts. This is the worst part, I promise. You need to get through to the next step. Just a blip in your NC. Don't pull off the scab again!!

I'm so sorry that you feel this way right now. Never ever feel that your "light has gone out" of your life. Breaking NC, especially as early as you have, is very common. Don't be hard on yourself. We have all done it at the stage you are at........it is all part of the process. Seriously, you heard back from him..............because you worded EVERYTHING perfectly. That is the only reason.........it is amazing how you can get them to respond. KIDS, DONT TRY THIS AT HOME........ Narcs are very peculiar people. They can give you the silent treatment and hold true to it forever if they want. I would bet anyone dollars to donuts, if they contacted their narc with any words that spoke positive thoughts of them, for instance "You are the most amazing athlete I have ever known, Lance can't hold a candle to you" you would hear back IMMEDIATELY............it's how they are wired. Now, if you wrote "You son of a bitch, how dare you do this to me", you wouldn't hear back from them. It's ALL about them..........and it is how they are wired. It's a proven theory, at least for me. I have done it several times. In the beginning, out of desperation, later to test the theory............my curiosity ALWAYS gets the best of me. It has spoken true each and every time. Don't be hard on yourself. Never be disappointed in yourself. Forge forward, it's all we can do......this too will pass. Dulcinea, I have to say, I am most impressed by your insight and progress. You are an inspiration to many, even in your early age as a member. Don't lose sight of your journey..........you have so much more to offer many here. Don't give up the fight............this is just a bump in the road to healing. I can promise you that. Been there...............it passes. Honestly, it does. Stay strong!

Hi there Dulcinea441, I did the same this two days ago. I had not heard from my N for four weeks after our last get together. I was nice, he was nice, and then that was it. I told myself that I would not message him at all this time. I lasted 4 weeks, and then like you I caved and sent it. He did not respond to me for one whole day. 24hrs later to the minute he replied "Well i finally here from you after 4 weeks". I know how you feel, regretting the mistake, however this time I gathered strength. I have been here for one month, and feel much stronger. You, sweetness, have only just started and I know that horrible feeling of the light going out. We all have been up and down, getting sucked more and more into the abyss of Narcland. You want to write a letter so that he can see how wonderful you are, what he is missing. Honey, he will never see how wonderful you are, and you, like me, just want the pretend MR Fabulous, and we will never get him either. Keep reading all the wonderful posts from the amazingly strong wise women here. Their knowledge and experiance, will make a huge difference. Ask for lots of advise, as you will recieve many replies of support and help. This will be tough (boy is it tough) but its not impossible to move on from. Just let it all roll out here, and you will see the fog lift little by little. Take care..Timtam

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling down. What you did is certainly not uncommon. My guess is he was expecting you to do exactly what you did. If you continue to contact him you are unfortunately fueling the fire. If and when you want to be free it is completely in your power to do so. For your sake, lay low. What he misses about you is having control of you. Gain control of your emotions and let your mind take over for awhile. Without him you will become the person you once knew before him, and then some Without you, he is nothing. A void. What do you stand to loose by staying NC? Zilch! Hang in there and fight back with silence.

Dont beat yourself up. Let this be your closure. You will heal and be healthy again have faith. I did something like this few weeks back, sent him hello text and he was cold. I called him and give him a d&d list down what i wanted to say and i hang up and start NC again. You see how sickening he is, tell yourself you dont deserve this. Start NC again. Hugs