i cant "just get over it." what's wrong with me?

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#1 Sep 29 - 9AM
reallyconfused
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i cant "just get over it." what's wrong with me?

I made the stupid mistake of looking him up. It's like everything is a trigger. He posted to someone saying "hey pretty lady" and it got me jealous even though she doesn't live near here apparently....buy whatever. I know I basically brought this oaib to myself, but its like I took two steps forward and three steps back. I feel so unworthy, like I wasn't good enough for him to want to work things out with me or wven treat me right in the first place. It's like he set me up for failure by making me feel uncomfortable where I secluded myself even more and he called me out several times for being too quiet. Like instead of trying to make me comfortable, he set me up for failure. I just wish I was good enough. I'm lonely, tired, and sad. Does he even miss me? He hasn't attempted contact in awhile and it makes ne feel forgotten all over again despite the fact I went NC. My friend says he doesn't because he isn't trying to win me back and has apparently moved on. She wants me to "just get over it," but things arent like the movies where guys do anything to win you back. I just don't know, its like im not even good enough gmt him to even try to get me back.

Sep 29 - 1PM
Sunafterrain
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Frustrated!

I was triggered yesterday. I read all of these posts of those that have come so far. I still am not over the triggering calls and yesterday's trigger adds more to it. I'm working my ass off to get over this bastard. I'm back in school and focusing on that. But it STILL bugs me. I want it to be OVER completely. What I see that I'm experiencing is doubt. He has redeemed himself in so many ways. Including with this new marriage so everyone at work now thinks he's made these miraculous changes. The trigger is directly related to his job. Why all of the doubt? It's the doubt of him being what he is that is driving me CRAZY! It's the outward presentations that he's giving off, that hurt so badly! While I'm busting my ASS off to figure myself out what to do with my life, the further out I move, the more TRIGGERS there are? WHy all of this doubt? Why do I doubt what he is? Off to school. Have a great day everyone.
Sep 29 - 12PM
reallyconfused
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Thanks again everyone,

Thanks again everyone, really. You have all helped so much.
Sep 29 - 11AM
reallyconfused
reallyconfused's picture

You're all right. I'm gonna

You're all right. I'm gonna have to actually force myself to stop thinking about him. If he creeps up im gonna have to say to myself "stop it" ill do my very best to stop lurking him.... All of this advice is amazing and the support. I just wanna be happy again. There are so many things in life that are wonderful and I'm lucky to have each new day. I need to stop with him and enjoy what every day has to offer.
Sep 29 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
Winter
Winter's picture

If I may suggest...

Please, do not "force yourself to stop thinking about him". What you resist persists. And it will just bring more frustration and obsession. You will be thinking about him, please accept it without fear. Here is what Lisa wrote about this topic: http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/02/19/retrain-your-brain I think it cannot be explained any better.
Sep 29 - 10AM
Sparrow
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It's not you............it's

It's not you............it's him. He is disordered and you have to unfortunately accept that. You are being too hard on yourself. It is alot easier to feel down than it is to feel up, this we all know. But you must start changing your attitude and feel better about yourself. Being positive is half the battle. Your friends will say "get over it" because they can not comprehend what you have been through. You will "get over it" in time, but you must do the work and start being more positive! Besides, there are alot of "quiet" people in the world that are very happy and have loving relationships. That is just a crutch for him. His next one, he will complain she is too outgoing. No one will ever win with these people. The sooner you realize that the better off you will be. It is NOT you! Turn that frown upside down and do something nice for yourself! That will make you feel a little better! Stay strong!
Sep 29 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

What part of " he's crazy"

What part of " he's crazy" are you not getting?? I know how you feel! I remember looking and felt set up! He used me to get the OW.. Now as far as I'm concerned he's all hers. ( and most Likely many others) They are calculating monsters, no Hun, he doesn't think of you at the moment, he may recycle you and you better be ready when or if he does!! This is the time you need to build your strengh and gain knowledge! You were just another stepping stone in a day in the life of a psychopath! I know this is hard to swallow but you must, he is a turd, flush him and move on! It baby steps.. Time and NC really do work !! PS I have not heard from him in 6 months, this is the same man who called 5 times a day professing his love for me! Same guy different body! Hunter
Sep 29 - 9AM
needing2know
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really confused

We all know how you feel, we have all been there and are there still, I have had my friends tell me to get over it too, they have no idea what we are going through, but everyone here knows, because we have or are in the nightmare! please read the post I put on here I think a few days ago. It's title is BOOMERANG maybe it will help you to want to stay away from him. I felt the same way you did and at times still do, but I have realized that the fact that he really didn't want me at all, and he will treat and does treat everyone the same way, not just me, but he does it to his own kids. I have been NC for 9 weeks now , and I still have melt downs, but it gets a little better everyday, because I have finally stopped wondering WHY he isn't doing this or that. Stay strong, your a wonderful loving person, never let anyone ever tell you different again! I know I won't! But please read BOOMERANG
Sep 29 - 9AM
Winter
Winter's picture

Reallyconfused, I am very sorry for you pain and I know it

I felt this way few weeks ago and I know how much it hurts. I also know you cannot “just get over it”, it is “just not possible”. You have to prepare yourself to feel this way for a while. There is no way you can avoid it. This is the bad news. And this is perfectly normal; we all have been through it and please, don’t blame yourself for being hurt. The good news is if you keep NC it will pass and fade with time. It will, I guarantee. And you will feel absolutely detached from him and what he is doing or not doing. However(!), it does require some effort from your side. You went NC, it is perfect. He does not contact you, it is a GIFT. It allows you to heal faster. Now, and THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, you absolutely have to stop checking up on him. I know how difficult it is. I have been there myself. And I compulsively checked on him while maintaining NC. I could not resist. I was addicted. So I decided to remove any possibility of checking on him. At first I felt panicked about the idea. But my head told me: “Do it! You want to heal? Do it!” And that is what I did. Now, even if I want to, I cannot check on him even technically. What a relief! It helped. It was almost 3 weeks ago and it made such a huge difference! This is what you owe to yourself. Hugs Winter
Sep 29 - 9AM
Nemesis
Nemesis's picture

Really Confused

There is nothing wrong with you and there is alot wrong with him! Your reaction to this situation is absolutely normal. It will take time to get over this and the first rule is never to beat yourself up for not getting over it quickly enough. You say that you are "lonely, tired and sad". I am not surprised to hear you say this. That is a very normal reaction for someone who has been in an abusive relationship. Part of the abuse is in making you feel isolated and dependant on him which explains your feelings of loneliness, whilst being in a relationship that is "all give and no take" is absolutely exhausting which explains why you are so tired. These combined feelings of loneliness and exhaustion are probably making you feel depressed. All of this is to be expected after what you have suffered. His reaction to this situation is very abnormal. Getting over a break-up very quickly and moving straight on to flirting with other women is a sign of how impulsive he is - a trademark of someone with this kind of personality disorder. You must hold on to these facts and remind yourself of them frequently. You may have to accept that your friend is not going to be able to provide you with any support in this situation. Most people on the forum agree that the advice of friends who have not been through this themselves is at best, irrelevant and at worst, counter-productive. No one on this forum will ever try to tell you what the pace of your recovery should be. You will get there in the end and you will do it in your own time. The sad truth is that people like him don't ever miss anyone, not in the sense that normal people like you and I would miss another person. They see the rest of us as objects and calculate our worth in terms of how useful we are to them at that particular moment in time. Do as much research on the subject as you can. The more you learn about it the more this will benefit your recovery. xxx
Sep 29 - 9AM
Sea
Sea's picture

I go thru the same thing as

I go thru the same thing as well. Wondering why he doesnt hoover, dont miss me etc. Give yourself sometime. Read more books, internet forums etc and gain knowledge. You will slowly learn to let go. Its a process and its not easy. Be kind to yourself, i am still in this process and moving a little bit forward as time passes by. The healing will come.
Sep 29 - 9AM
lillymarch
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You don't want him back.

Please remember. You sound just like me. I forget all the time. I'm getting better but in the beginning I would forget many time a day: I dont want him! Remember how you felt with him, uncomfortable, judged. You still feel judged. Your still reeling over his comments about you being quiet. He's the problem. I am also loney and sad. I was so tired last night I went to bed at 9 when I usually go to bed at 11! The constant obsessive thinking wears us out. I wish there was a reset switch. From everything I've read from your posts he was constantly judging you and asking you to change. Do you really believe that the way you were born is wrong? Is being quiet, wrong? Really think about it. You are perfect, just the way you are. Really. When we are our genuine selfs, we shine. You shining got in his way. I recommend you write down everything if you haven't already. Keep track of all the crazy that he is. Then read it when you start to question, start that obsessive thinking, and want to snoop. I'm trying very hard right now myself to stop thinking of him. I'm so angry. I'm so hurt. I still can't believe this is all happening. On and on. So I'll refocus my thoughts on the things I'm looking forward to. I'm going to make a choice right now to STOP and be HAPPY. because damn! this is not a dress rehearsal. This is my life! This is your life, smile! You're beautiful and have the world at your feet.
Sep 29 - 9AM
Layla
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As long as you are looking him up online........

....and trying to figure out if he "misses you" or not, you will NEVER get over him. You may be NC physically, but mentally you aren't even really trying. Not trying to sound harsh, I am just going by what you shared. None of us are "good enough" for these abusers, they are DISORDERED. They aren't "normal"..... You are going to keep putting yourself at square one everytime you go online looking for him. Every time. Please consider this. love~ Layla