I can't get past being PISSED!

I am a newbie but I have been reading this forum for a few months now and I am sooo thankful I found you all. I'm sure it being Valentine's Day is fueling some of my rage.

I'm just having a hard time accepting what this Narc did to me. I was with my exNarc for 6 years. When I met him, I made it clear that I wanted to get married again and have a family, and of course he said he wanted the same thing. Then two years went by, three and so on and it never happened. I was so deeply in love with him that I stayed in the relationship with him, even though I was unhappy. The crazy part is I was extremely miserable and unhappy but I was still frustrated he wouldn't marry me. I would break up with him (he never once broke up with me oddly) and then weeks or even months later he would show up at my job or ring my doorbell and beg me to come back. My friends nicknamed us Carrie and Mr. Big. I thought it was love, but now looking back, I think he was seeing someone else during or separations. He would pick fights or aggravate me and make ME break up with HIM. It's comical now.

So our last break up a year ago, he said it was over. So I said okay. I moved on and met someone else. A really nice guy from Holland and I was happy! My exNarc pops back into my life 5 months later,and I tell him I'm seeing someone. What does my exNarc do after 5 years? He buys an engagement ring and asks me to marry him! I fell for it, and dropped my Dutchmen like a hot potato. I tell my family and my friends we are engaged. I send texts showing off my ring to all of my friends and then he tells me that he is not ready to tell his family and friends. He wants to elope. I new things weren't right but I held on to hope. I couldn't get him to set a date. I couldn't get him to agree on a venue. He wouldn't even talk about a wedding.

One day I saw a text from a woman pop up on his cell phone. It was a kissey emoticon. Lol. He said it was an employee thanking him for giving her a day off work. I was angry, but I let it go. He continued to stall on the wedding plans, and I sunk into a depression and I didn't want to accept that this assclown never had any intentions of marrying me. His friends and family never knew we were "engaged." That SOB! I was too humiliated to talk to anyone about it. So one day I went through his cell phone bill online an found a number that he had been calling for over year. I called the number. Well, he had been cheating on me the whole time with an employee 20 years younger than him. When I confronted him and asked him why? He said because I kept breaking up with him. HA! I left him September with NC. I blocked his number and emails. He called me around Christmas from his work phone and invited me to lunch. WTF? Lunch? As if nothing had happened. I told him to never call me again and if he came to my home or my job I would call the police. I haven't heard from him since. I started counseling after that and it was my therapist that explained Narcissism to me.

I feel like what this man did to me was almost criminal. I haven't even gotten into the gas lighting and the devaluing. If I fought back I was crazy. If I said we were "engaged" to anyone he knew...I was delusional. He hurt me. He used me. He humiliating me. He broke my heart. He broke my spirit. I want to scream at him. I want him to be sorry for what he did to me but I know he never will. I want him feel guilt and lose sleep. I know he won't. While I'm crying myself to sleep, he's holding someone to sleep. While I am pouring my heart out on a message board on Valentines Day, he's whining and dining someone new. I know I dodged a cannon ball by not marrying him. I thank GOD for that everyday. In my heart I know he is a horrible person. I just want the anger to go away.

There is one thing that makes me smile. When I was leaving him, I didn't cry. I was out of tears...and that seemed to bother him. He was used to me crying all of the time. But, I looked him in the eye and said, "I am a good person. I have a good heart. God blesses people like me. He will take care of me. You are a monster. You will never be blessed and you will never prosper. You know why? Because God doesn't like it when you fuck with his children. You will pay for what you did to me." He froze and his face was priceless. He looked scared. It was a true Celie /Mister The Color Purple moment.

Thanks for listening.

Finally off Shutter Island