I can't get over it

My husband and I are living as "roomates". Yesterday was my birthday. He baked a cake and got me a gift. He acted like everything was so wonderful.

It's not. I can't get over the fact that he had a profile on every dating site there is. I can't get over the fact that he chatted with dozens of women the entire time we have been married.

I can't get over the fact that when I baited him to meet a fake girl, he went to meet "her" and then said he knew it was me all along.

I can't stand that all the dating sites say he wanted to "pamper and please".
Discretion was must.

I can't beleive him when he said those girls meant nothing.

I can't. This whole thing is torturing me. My soul is tortured. I said I would stop looking for evidence, but I can't. I spend a better time of the day doing it. It consumes me.

I don't think a marriage can be saved if you've lost all trust in the other person.

We are "roomates" for financial reasons and the kids, but I don't think I can do it. I can't go on this way. I'm dying a slow death.

My older friends say I have to stick it out. If I can't be financially on my own, I have to stick it out or I'm not being a responsible parent.

My younger friends say kick his ass out.

I'm so confused. I thought I would be better by now. It's been three months since the shit hit the fan.

I was moving forward and now I'm more lost than ever.

abreva's picture

After I left the EXNH-Psycho tried to get me to move back in "for the children". He said he just wanted me there. I didn't have to cook for him, or clean the house, or do anything except Be There. Right. So he could kick me more easily, and have easy child care. Great deal. Get out of the relationship. Get a lawyer. (maybe not in that order!) Get away from him.
janemarie's picture

You are in limbo...just existing in the world...going thru the motions.... Your children do not learn from what you tell them it is what they are shown. You are showing them that marriage or any relationship is just about going thru the motions...They will mirror what you are doing unless you break the cycle...Dont ever think that it's better to stay for the sake of the kids...Our job as parents is to teach them about life... Teach them not to allow someone to treat you poorly, teach them to stand up for themselves...teach them to live not to just exist... It will be hard at first, but in the long run when they are adults they will look back and admire you for your strength and teaching them about true love and happiness.... xoxo
GeorgiaGirl's picture

while you are still in the folie a deux...madness of two. The question is very, very simple...who do you love more? You? Or him? Cause he's killing you in degrees and you are letting it happen.
juliamarie's picture

This guy has it made! He's living with you and doing what he pleases while you are suffering in silence. This is not a healthy situation for you or your children. Children are smart and will pick up on a sick relationship. It makes them think that sick relationships are okay...and they will continue the cycle in their adult relationships. I'm sure you don't want that. You are going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what he's up to. Let's just save you the time....it's not good. The trust is broken. Unless he is willing to go into serious therapy and work with you, this is a no win situation. I am 40 so I don't know whether I'm an old friend or young friend, but this person has to go for you to have some sanity in your life. You can't put YOU back together until he's gone. Your kids need a mother than is whole and happy and stable. You won't be any of those things with your husband living with you in this "roommate" situation. You can do this....it's scary, but realize that you are doing this not just for yourself, but for your kids. They need to see that their mother is strong and capable. Hang in there.
Hope's picture

I'd make him leave, you will never recover with him under your nose like that, he's manipulating you trying to make you believe the two of you need to live together to save $$$$$, it will cost him big time if you go to court. I hope you make it to court, please update us, we all care, if your in the US, not only go for the child support, but a lot of states grant alimony and that's for life, so put the pressure on him big time while you go back to school and get some skills while that is pending see about public assistance to hold you over, I did all this when I was only 33 with three kids and very little family support. Best of luck and try to stay away from him as much as possible. Stay stong!!
onwithmylife's picture

find the best lawyer you can preferably a woman, and got to court, get alimonyand child support and leave him in the dust, he is a cheater and if there is no trust there is nothing, you are NOT doing your kids a favor by "staying", kids know and pick up signals, you will send them a stronger message by sending your husband packing, ........you have only one life and you need to live it with your children, just my take.also seek good therapy if you can...
Stillstanding's picture

Those women meant nothign to him and I'm sorry to say you probably don't mean much to him as well. How can a wound heal if you keep picking at it every day? No ammount of money is worth your sanity. Please get out. Even if he's not a narcissist he sounds like a pathological liar and possible sex addict. Is that who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Life is short. When your in your 90's do you want to look back and thing about how you spend your life being miserable over this man.
laststraw76's picture

I really want to start feeling better. I'm trying so hard. Life is going on around me and I feel like my feet are stuck in cement. He cheated constantly and I had no idea. I still feel so stupid. I can't get past it. He told soooooo many women that he wanted to "pamper and please" them. That was his catch phrase. He never pampered and pleased me. In fact he acted like I was invisible or like he didn't even really like me never mind love. I caught him over and over and even after he promised he would stop, I found that he visited one of his favorite sex sites on Thanksgiving. I was with the kids at the movies. It is one punch in the gut after another. I have to stop checking and searching. I have decided we can't be together and still I look, still I search and still I find. I'm torturing myself. I want to know why I wasn't lovable. I want to know why he didn't want me or why he pretended that he did. He was so nice to them all, but never really nice to me. Why did he stay with me? Why did he say he would change? Why won't he help me when I'm sick or when I'm scared? Why wasn't I good enough? I have to stop looking. I have to stop caring. I have to put it behind me so that I can focus on my job, on my children, on my friends, on this life that is passing me by while I am stuck. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm so very tired of this whole thing. I want to forget. I want my concentration back. I want to be able to focus on a book, a television show, a movie, a game, anything really. I want my sense of humor back. I want my smile back. I want to want to get out of bed in the morning. I want to stop dreading the weekends. Everyone always looks forward to Fridays. I look forward to Mondays, but then again, not really, I don't look forward to much of anything anymore. I look forward to the end of the day when I can go to sleep and forget. I wake up and for the first few seconds everything is okay and I feel good! Then I remember and it hits me like a truck. My life is falling apart. It's not that I can't pick up the pieces it's just such hard work when motivation is lacking. Everything I've known and my whole way of life for the past 13 years is over. It's all different. I know as humans we don't much like change. Change is hard. It's the unknown that is scary. Oh god, I want to be happy. I'm at the end of my rope and I want to let go and I know I'm only inches from the ground but I'm still hanging on for dear life even though this life isn't bringing me joy or happiness or sanity, but it's the life I know.
abreva's picture

I was scared of the unknown too! Every step of the way was better than being in that marriage. You will be happy. Trust those of us who say it will be better. It WILL.
midnight7's picture

Dear laststraw76 - the unknown is scary - but it has to better than what you have lived with him and are living now? I am on my own for the first time in my life (straight after marriage I met the N. Also had children from my marriage to bring up as single parent). But the unknown place I am in now is wonderful, exciting, I'm free, and in control. Change/the unknown is so much better than prison with a life sentence. I have come to embrace change and see it as an opportunity/a challenge. Am I the person I want to be? Am I living the life I want to live? If no, change. I would never go back to hell.
Femmegem's picture

It isn't easy, we all know how hard it is but I hope you find the strength to leave. It really IS the only way forward x
midnight7's picture

Dear laststraw76 - seek legal advice and whether it is possible legally to 'encourage' (kick) him to leave. He will never change - a cake(?) - priceless. You will never be able to trust him. I'm so sorry to read how you had to spend your birthday but it was an important day - the first day of beginning your journey to a new life. The situation in the home for you and the children is of prime import. They require continuity and you need to take care of yourself. He should still provide if you separate and if you intend to divorce - certainly in the UK - the children/you have to be reasonably housed and provided for (child maintenance until 18/spousal maintenance also, and no divorce costs if he is at fault) - I hope this is the same in your area. Seeking legal advice is probably the first step? Keep strong, you are not lost, nor alone - everyone is here for you.
Used's picture

IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT YOUR OLDER, YOUNGER FRIENDS SAY.... ONLY YOU KNOW WETHER YOU CAN BEAR IT DAY IN DAY OUT.....I THINK NOT.... ITS TIME FOR HIM TO MOVE OUT OR YOU TOO.... GOOD LUCK.....