I Can't Believe I've Been So Stupid

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#1 Mar 4 - 3PM
omgalso
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I Can't Believe I've Been So Stupid

First of all Thank You for this site and all readers of this. I was in a narc relationship for 11 years. I was dumped suddenly in January. BUT.....the first time he abused me he threw me across the room and when I stood up screaming for him to stop he grabbed my elbow, ran me across the room and threw me into the next room all the while yelling Leave!!. When I got outside into my car and immediately called our couples' therapist he calmly told me just leave. I was shaking and traumatized. To make it real I went to the local police station, reported the abuse but didn't give any of his identifying information. We then met at the therapist's office the next week: The therapist focused on him saying "You must have felt horrible X"; it was as if I were invisible. The therapist told me that I had to listen more to him because e "has trouble talking" and that we had to find something to do to make amends. Note: nothing re why it happened and what was his reason. All he /N told me at the time was he felt he was going to lose himself. (The short story is that after months of his flirting with a possible apprentice, humiliating me in public with her, he took her to be his apprentice and she was just delighted. I wanted to be at their meeting when he was going to take her on as an apprentice) The therapist encouraged my presence there and X said nothing. So the therapist, internationallly know as a couple's therapist and well regarded by esteemed universities was incompetent. I was the one covered in huge bruises, of course none that could be seen if I wore long sleeves and longish skirts! After that event I told him if he ever did that again I'd call the police. He promised never ever to do that to me again.
The second time he pushed me down, a couple of years after the first time We had both been drinking. We got into an argument re the humiliation he caused me with his apprentice which outraged him because I was hanging on to it. While putting his things in his car, I went to the door to shut it thinking he had everything but did not see another article in the room where I was standing. He pushed my chest and I went down. As he was screeching out of the driveway I was calling the police. He says he remembers nothing of that he "blacked out" about that one moment/ but also said that he went home and felt guilty. and that when the police called his home and asked if he had abused me he said yes. They took him away in handcuffs and arraigned him in the a.m. They told me that i had to be there. Never having been through this I went. BIG MISTAKE!!
In this state once you call the police for domestic abuse the machiine cranks and cannot be stopped: it was in the papers!! My colleagues who recognized his name called me, hence my reputation and business were jeopardized. He and I talked on the phone. He was enraged. He made me feel so guilty and horrible re protecting myself that I ended up not only paying for my own attorney, but writing a statement to the DA so that he would not get parole or jail time AND paying half his legal fees!! STUPID STUPID STUPID. He would not see me for months and then only in public places. The afternoon that the legal action was all over we met and he yelled at me "Why did you call the police". When I said to protect myself and to stop the violence he accused me of going outside the couple, of disrespecting the sanctity of the couple etc. STUPID I BELIEVED IT!!! I didn't know that he had NPD; I knew that he was narcissistic but did NOT appreciate the extent of it.
That was 3 years ago: I caused him a narcissistic injury and set off his narcissistic rage. He passively aggressively has tortured me since: banned from his family (I have none and loved them); banned from our traditions (which I also valued) except those like Valentine's Day, My birthday, his birthday so I got some goodies. He wouldn't be a couple with me anymore; ie no going out with friends; no inviting friends with us. Yet somehow he always held out hope to make things better ie to "make amends" since that's what his 1:1 therapist told him that we had to do.
This is a guy who is handsome, very intelligent, charming, renaissance man. Everyone loves him. He's in therapy and has been since our couple's therapist told him to do that. He/N wanted to learn how to be in touch w his feelings and talk re his feelings. I don't know what the hell they're doing in that therapy but I don't see a change in him. He idealizes his therapist and of course anyone his dentist, the sailboats that he crews, his doctor (but also my doctor) his friends, his family. I fear that he can get better but I hope not.
The dump: We separated for several months last summer but then got together again, it just happened because I'd stop by his place and he would be wonderful to me. The last four months of our relationship were wonderful. In my individual therapy we figured out that I was so jealous because of a former relationship in which I was cheated on. (I had forgotten all about how he magnetizes women right in front of me with both treating me as if I'm invisible. Believe me the women want me to go away) Anyway, the jealousy was allegedly me problem. After I figured that out it became a non issue between us and I told him multiple times how wonderful it was to finally have that gone, to know that he never cheated on me in 11 years, the first man not to cheat,. He agreed it was wondrful. He'd spontaneously tell me that he loved me; note that things were so easy between us; we were getting along better than ever and when something did come up we resolved it right away. He was somewhat hesitant to increase our time together once he understood that I saw it as a good sign that we were going forward so we just agreed to see one another more frequently but just cont to see how it goes especially since it was a risk to me especially.
I love football so I'd invite him to watch the games with me. We usually planned the weekends on the previous Wed. On one Wed he said that he had a party that Sat night. I waited and then asked if I'm nvited. He said he didn't want to go because N would be there who's a known gossip and we weren't yet ready to declare as a couple again. I thought he'd say he'd go alone but instead he was eager to join me to watch the game. He also said at that Wed we should talk re our relationship since "it's starting to get awkward". I thought it meant re declare couple again. He suggested the talk for that Fri night and I agreed. When we sat down on the Fri he started with the old issue of feeling "betrayed" because I'd called the police. I entered the talk with a good heart and continued the talk in that way. I also told him re the plans that I had made for myself after we had broken up which involved moving away. I wanted his help to consider how to check out that place while also seeing how it goes with him. He said Don't buy the plane tickets yet. This made me very happy.
The following Tues night after we shared our schedules for the next six months including his nephew's wedding (which is normal for us) we returned to finish our glasses of wine from dinner. He then said that he was having lunch w YY When I asked who that was he said that N(the party gossip) had told him to call YY because they're both sailors (I bet there's more to it than that) He said "it's just a meeting" I said it was a date. He replied that he thought he'd meet her once and then deccide if he wanted to see her again. He said he was telling me to "be fair" with me. I told him, calmly, it was a date; that he wasn't being fair to me and asked him to cancel it. (I wasn't angry I was so aghast that I was disgusted adn hence was calm) He said he'd think re it. I replied that he'd better think fast to which he said "Oh yes, if the lady thinks it's a date I should give her planty of time to know about the cancellation". I COULD NOT BELIEVE THIS!! I said, I thought we were working on something here. He didn't reply. He never looked at me when this conversation was going on. I told him that I was leaving, collected my things and left. Once after that he came over to deliver some things to me: STUPID I slept with him!!!!
In subsequent phone calls he said: I stayed with you while I hated you so that I wouldn't have to carry that hate for the rest of my life; I'm not angry with you anymore I've met my goal/after the last time we saw one another (exchange things); I really enjoy your company but I don't want to stake my life with you. I made that date after you asked me to pay for half of our boat, I was so frustrated I didn't want to go down that path with you again; I went over to your house that Fri to break up with you. I couldn't just walk in and say that so I had the talk thinking that it would go bad and I could break up with you but it went well; re the wedding I'll go with whoever I'm with or if I'm alone I'll go alone.
After putting 2 and 2 together I realized In other words: the man who for 4 months was stroking me for all the good a baited me to break up with me the night before the party where N was going to introduce him to YY; the argument re paying for the boast was bogus so that he could have the excuse to make the date; he's taken away from me the only two young people from the next generation that I have and that I love and now I can't see them getting married.
He's with YY; never calls me; I certainly won't call him. I'm worried however that his therapist will help him get better and I'll just be devastated. I'm also trying to figure out what to say to our doctor (who N actually wanted to prsent like nothing happened) so that he knows what a narc he is and that I need to wake up! Any ideas THANK YOU FOR LISTENING

Mar 5 - 10AM
Hunter
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I thinks it's time to move on

Mar 6 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
omgalso
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Thanks Hunter but....

Mar 5 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Many say.....

Mar 6 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
omgalso
omgalso's picture

He won't be back and neither will I

Mar 4 - 6PM
omgalso
omgalso's picture

and oh I want to add...