I Believe

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#1 Dec 20 - 11PM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

I Believe

This is mostly for the newer people struggling this holiday season with NC and the pain/heartaches inflicted by a narc. However, I'd like to share with all you wonderful people here.

As many of you know I was with xnh for 16 years and married to him for 8 of those years. He had two daughters. The oldest P daughter was every bit as abusive and hurtful to me as xnh. However, his youngest daughter was always a very loving, kind, empathetic person. I was always very close to her. Learning to let her go after my divorce from xnh was very hard for both me, and I'm sure, for her. I've been in her life since she was 1 year old. She is now just starting out in her adult life (she's 19 years old now), and like me, she is moving on in her own direction.

Contact between us has been painful in some ways for both of us since the divorce, and I'm sure xnh pumps her for every tidbit of information about me whenever we have contact. This puts her into an uncomfortable position, and I fully understand this. I've been basically standing back and letting her make the next move in our relationship, in her own way (if she chooses).

Last year was my first Christmas since divorcing xnh. It was emotionally very difficult for me. "Firsts" always seem to be the hardest when a relationship dies (in any relationship, but it seems to be particularly hard after an abusive relationship with a disordered person). My sister calls it "The Death Of The Dream". She's right. I had dreams which ended in gruesome deaths at the hands of xnh's cheating and then dumping me.

Like every relationship, I have some favorite things that are uniquely mine in my life that I chose to keep after xnh left. I have some that are too painful. I chose not to keep them and removed them from my life forever. I, also, have some things in my life which xnh, his children, and I liked together. The ones I really wanted to keep, I've "reclaimed" in spite of the memories. Movies are no exception.

One of the Christmas movies that xnh's youngest daughter and I loved to share each year is "The Polar Express". I decided this is one thing I wish to "reclaim". When it came to the part where the three little kids sing the Christmas song from the end of the train, xnh's youngest daughter and I used to sing it every time together. Xnh thought we were stupid, and made fun of us. We ignored him and sang anyway. Last year, during the my first holiday season after the divorce, I cried and cried all the way through this song and most of the movie missing xnh's youngest daughter. It was almost too painful for me to cope with missing her. It had only been 7 months since the divorce was final.

This year is SO different. I'm currently 19 months since the divorce. I've had health problems this season, and my dog is terminally sick. I just didn't feel very "festive" this season, so far, because I've been in so much pain physically and worried about my dog. However, this past week the doctors have found some medications that relieve a lot of my pain, and the vet found a treatment that seems to be making my dog more comfortable as well. Tonight, I felt "festive", and I decided to watch "The Polar Express".

I was very pleased to find I have healed enough during this past year that watching this movie was not NEARLY as painful for me this year as it was last year. I truly didn't know how I would feel when I put the movie into the DVD player. I did feel a twinge of sadness about xnh's daughter during the song, but there were no tears. I miss her, but the wound is not longer so raw. I do not miss xnh at all. He was just plain cruel to me. Whatever I fondness I ever felt for him is gone. Life is getting better each day in my no contact, and having xnh's abuse gone from my life. The people in my world are now not abusive, and I have the love of my friends and family surrounding me. Real love, not the trumped up self-serving fake "love" of a narc. I'm healing. I'm rebuilding my own life again, and I'm much stronger each day. Overall my life is very, very happy again (even with my health problems). I am moving away from the pain from xnh. The difference for me emotionally about xnh this holiday season, and how I was last year, is like comparing night and day. It's even much less painful for me about missing his daughter. I will love her always, but I can let her go now, and I wish the best for her and her future happiness.

At the end of "The Polar Express", the little boy gets a Christmas bell from Santa Claus. He wants to hear it so badly but can't until he changes his mental outlook, and says "I Believe" until he really does believe. IMO, that is how NC, and healing from the wounds of the narc works. It may hurt badly now, and be very hard emotionally. However, if you really focus on "I believe", you will eventually hear that Christmas bell ring. You'll move on into a happy future in your life, believing in it's beautiful song. You WILL move away from the pain of the narc, and heal forever. I'm know. I'm there now. Life does become really good again. There is happiness, and a rewarding life for you in the future. You can recover, and you are SO worth the effort. Hang in there. This emotional pain does not last forever.

The narcs may have hurt us temporarily, but they did NOT win or destroy us. We are still very beautiful both inside and out, and we are capable of love. Narcs are not.

Huge hugs.

Dec 21 - 10AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Myst, you ROCK!

My dear sister in strength and recovery, you are an inspiration! You have come so far. Done the work and now reap the rewards. What a beautiful, inspiring post. Thank you so much! May your holidays be filled with the love and light and peace you deserve. xoxox (not) spinning. AND VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT!

spinning

Dec 21 - 10AM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Beautiful

Thank you for giving me hope!
Dec 21 - 9AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ding Ding... Great

Ding Ding... Great Post. Hunter
Dec 21 - 8AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

mystwomen

A great post, we have ALL been to HELL and back and some of us still struggling to get back..............
Dec 21 - 7AM
Used
Used's picture

mysterywoman

Thank for this post, it also shows such strenghth... They didnt get to take that away from us..... WE ARE THE WINNERS, WE HAVE GOT THE SAME CHARACTISTICS WE HAD BEFORE WE MET THEM....IN BUCKETLOADS... I HAVE NEVER CONSIDERED THEY WON...B/C THEY LOST US!
Dec 21 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

So true. They lost us, and

So true. They lost us, and they were too self-absorbed to even know what treasures they'd really had in us. Actually, in my case, my sister was (once again) absolutely correct. After the D&D, xnh came out hoovering at my house. He made a comment about how he'd "lost me". When I told my sister about the comment, she said, "He didn't LOSE you. He DROVE you away." Yep, she's right. I had tried very hard to stay with xnh. He made it impossible to be anywhere near him, and keep any of my self respect/dignity (not to mention my physical safety and mental well-being). Xnh went to very great efforts to drive me away from him. It was probably one of the few things xnh actually put any real work into, in his otherwise very lazy existence. Well, he's reaping the rewards of his efforts now. He's alone. He doesn't have me, and he will never have anyone else that can love him for very long. Xnh will drive them away with his disorder. Meanwhile, *I* am very happy, and I do have people that I love/love me in my life. You're right. Narcs are losers. They lost us.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Dec 21 - 7AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Thank you Mystwoman

Another beatiful post. Hope everyone reads this one. God bless and the best Holiday Season to you this year, Goldie
Dec 20 - 11PM
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Wow! What an amazing post xx

Wow! What an amazing post xx
Dec 21 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
clover16
clover16's picture

Inspiration

Your post is inspiring - it provides hope for a better future while still celebrating wonderful moments from the past. Happy holidays.