I am waiting on some sort of revelation

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#1 Dec 15 - 9PM

gettinbetter

I am waiting on some sort of revelation

I come here everyday and watch and read people having insight as to why this may have happened and how they can fix it. I still havent had one of those moments. Clinically speaking I know how it happened but I have read and heard from others on here that it relates to some childhood issues. I keep going thru mine and looking for something but honestly I cant say anything other than my parents were good parents. I know that when I was young I was a bit chubby and got teased a bit but what kid doesnt get teased?

I almost wish there were some sort of abuse that I could say yes! this is why I allowed him to treat me so bad. I look back over my younger years and any abuse I suffered really all goes back to him. He was my second serious boyfriend so I was very inexperienced in the ways of love and relationships. Honestly the abuse I suffered all points to him but there must have been something wrong with me to have allowed right? I keep reading that over and over so it must be there.

Its like Im patiently waiting for this revelation so that I can move on. I feel like Im stuck

#2 Dec 16 - 12PM

Briseis

Betty's post is further down

Betty's post is further down the thread, and she made some great points. That is, the "cause" of our encounter with a Narc is NOT caused in any way by US. Trying to find out WHY we got sucked in and abused by a narc is one of the top three :D but the answer is so . . . mundane. Not exciting at all. We got sucked in because the Narc is a talented psychological hunter, ensnarer, predator. Trying to find the reason you got so ensnared in yourself is understandable, but it's like looking for your dropped keys beneath a street light (where you can see) instead of in the dark driveway where you dropped them. You won't FIND it in yourself, that's why you feel stuck. It's NOT THERE :)

#3 Dec 16 - 12PM (Reply to #15)

Briseis

It doesn't mean that you

It doesn't mean that you don't have a significant pile of CRAP to deal with in yourself, though. And Betty goes on to say THAT is what we are responsible to deal with (responsible to ourselves, for the sake of relieving the suffering). We DO end up holding a nasty bag! And getting rid of that . . . that's on us. It's what we do here ;)

#4 Dec 16 - 9PM (Reply to #16)

gettinbetter

I do think I have a

I do think I have a codependent personality. I am a control freak. I do know that the Narc makes me feel out of control so I think thats where the obsession lies with trying to fix and conquer him. I have always been an overachieving people pleaser. Any one of my employers would say I am a model employee and I always have other firms recruiting me. Is it because Im so great? NO. Its because Im the type that always does more than my fair share which translates in corporate america into an awesome employee. No one every worries that I will call in sick because I never do even when I am sick. It also explains why I feel Im Narcissistic sometimes. I read that many codependents have some of the same issues as Narcs i.e. fear of abandonment it just manifests differently. I do feel that I am a bit self centered at times. I do seek approval and praise at work constantly. Now what this arose out of Im not sure. I do believe it could have been from my parents overprotectiveness. I did have a spell that lasted for a couple of years right after high school in which I was very rebellious and only sought out bad boys that I knew my parents would gasp at or it could possibly be that the Narc created this codependency in me by having taken down my self esteem. Im not sure all I know is I have many of the codependent traits. I have been so enthralled in his illness and whats wrong with him that I never really looked at the codependent stuff too much but it does fit me. I dont really know how the self esteem thing fits in as I do like myself. I do think Im attractive and Intelligent though I will say that when I have been with the Narc it plummets but not really with other people. OH yeah! I almost forgot that I also read that codependents are more likely to feel physical illness from being in a relationship with a narc. Holy Cow yes! I have definitely had that happen and this past week I have been overidden with tension and anxiety.

#5 Dec 16 - 10AM

Deidre99

It could be as simple as

It could be as simple as just not having enough dating/relationship experience to have a healthier ''standard'' to compare your narc to. My toleration came from verbal abuse as a kid. Andas women, we tend to be nurturing. Kind hearted. Accepting. Gracious. By nature. So, it really could just be as simple as...you didn't have anyone else to compare to. But, if/when you find someone who offers you a HEALTHY relationship...then, you will be able to compare. And hopefully steer clear from future narcs. That's my guess. Sometimes, we just need mini epiphanies, and not revelations. :=)

#6 Dec 16 - 9AM

Hunter

Same for me

My narc has caused relationship issues my whole life. His mother interfered with our love many years ago. I always thought he stayed away to protect me from her. Now I realize he is a product of his mother. My college years were destroyed because of the two of them. Anyone I dated was harassed by one or the other. It got to a point where I stopped dating. They then moved on to my family and friends. My husband must have really liked me to put up the two of them. 25 years later he contacts me , apologizes for his wrong doings. Treats me like a queen, gets too close, and shits on my head. What took one year to rebuild was destroyed in 5 minutes with his D &D. At this point I blame myself. I survived 20 yrs without him and I will move forward again. I wish he continues to suffer as he has. A black soul, I'm glad I know what he is. I'm also glad I am everything he could never be. I'm sorry that we are all here. I hope you all learn from me. These men are predators, there is no Hollywood ending. The good news, we will survive , be happy and love again. Oxox

#7 Dec 16 - 1AM

michele115 (not verified)

The Inner Child

Being teased...look at what's happening today? The damage isn't any different - it hurts! Depending upon how you resolved that pain, might be some leftover remnants...

#8 Dec 16 - 1AM (Reply to #8)

gettinbetter

yes possibly but I will say

yes possibly but I will say this the caterpillar enventually morphed into a butterfly and I ended up having most guys I wanted with the exception of the Narc whom I might add was not nearly as good looking as some of my others. I think somewhere in that lies my addiction. My need to conquer him. I swear sometimes I think Im the NARC

#9 Dec 16 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

helldweller

sick of it

I am absolutely convinced that this was a huge part of my problem with the narc: my need to conquer him. I too was chubby and teased as a kid, and I think I feel some need as a beautiful grown up woman to prove that I'm not that kid anymore. It's a huge blow to your esteem to have made it past the childhood ugliness to become this man killer LOL and then have a guy NOT fall at your feet--especially since these aren't even the best looking or best catches. It becomes a battle of wills. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not all that to every man. Now, that said, we have to also remember that NO WOMAN is good enough for these guys. Mine had at least four that I knew of going at one time, and I know that they are all in their fifties and were hard up apparently because they took absolute crumbs from this guy for a really long time--one for twenty years! So it's definitely not a beauty contest.

#10 Dec 16 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

gettinbetter

yes

I have had fantasies of him laying on the ground and me standing over him with me in my boots with the 5 inch heels and me with my foot on his chest. Almost as is my high heels were a sword. I am so weird..

#11 Dec 16 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

Goldie

Lol, that sounds about right

No it is not a beauty contest alright. I asked a therapist several years ago, why a man who is not all that and should be grateful to have me be such a flaming ass??? She looked me dead on in the eyes and said: seriously, you don't know why??? And I said no, seriously I don't. She said: that is the nature of a "loser" "asshole." Whatever name or label you want to give them. One would think that it would be the opposite, but because they know they are not all that they have esteem issues so they abuse anyone who tries to love them. Hmmmm.... doesn't make any sense. These are the ones who have stormy, crazy, stressful relationships, you would think they would be so happy to be with someone who adores them. No it is the exact opposite they thrive on the unhealthy relationship because this is where they get their highs and their validation that the world is a bad place which needs to be controlled by them or they are bad in a good world, depending on what their particular deal is. Even if the relationship was great they would destroy it because intimacy it not something that they know, like, or want. Takes awhile to wrap the brain around all of this, however, once you do then it gets much easier to understand how these relationships will NEVER work and to find a way to stay out of them. Whatever it takes, therapy, journaling, exercise, this site ect.... Whatever works for you. I previously thought that if I could think my way out of it or think my way to make it work, I would be all set. Somehow it does not work that way for me, that only leads to obsession and the obsessive and intrusive thoughts only lead to exhaustion. The only way to break the cycle, for me is N/C on all levels and yes we do or can have slips and when we do we get back to N/C and let it go. God bless, Goldie

#12 Dec 15 - 9PM

betty2020

We do not end up with these

We do not end up with these types of people b/c of our up bringing. You will see that many of us come from all walks of life and have had very different experiences growing up. This is the tragedy in this. They do not prey on a specific type. They prey on anyone that will give them what they need for that moment. If you give them supply they will take it from you whether your rich, poor, good/bad family, independent, needy ect.... They dont pick us based on this. They pick us because we give ourselves up to them and they can use us to get what they want. We dont understand that this is what they are doing to us while it is underway. We think they love us. You have to understand how they operate and how they get into our heads to manipulate us and brainwash us. You must educate yourself in all areas of the PDI. This is not about will power for us. This is about understanding what has really happened, (reality) and then taking the measures to move forward and heal from the effects it has left. Do not think that what happened to you is b/c of something in your past. Its simply not the case. You are not at fault for any of this. But there does come a point when you have to take responsibility for your own recovery. And part of this is not blaming yourself but understanding the pathology behind the disorder and where this has left you in the equation. What you can control and what you are powerless over. And what you must do to take back your life. It would be a lot easier if the evidence was more concrete. I know this feeling. But this is what make this all the more insidious. You know and I know that what you experienced is real. If this were not the case this message board would be sitting idle. So what is the revelation you are waiting for honey? Are you sure that is what it is? Or are you waiting for this to change and for him to him to return to this knight in shining armor you once view him as? You will waste the rest of your life waiting on this to happen if this is the case It may sound harsh and i dont mean it to be so, but we must wake up to the reality that this is not simply a nightmare that will go away tomorrow morning when we wake up. This is real life and this has really happened to all of us. These people exist and if this experience did not happen to you, you would never be able to connect to us. None of what we talk about here would make any sense to you. So there is the revelation. Now the question is how to move on from it. That is where the real work begins. You can not fix the past. It is gone and the damage was done. You can fix the future. This is where your control and power lies. You must stay focused. lots of love Betty only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#13 Dec 15 - 9PM

aceonelady

hi sick of it...

My upbringing was just fine...I met him on a site for divx media,movies etc...he was very well spoken,intelligent very goed general knowledge of many subjects,astrology,news,computers,books languages you name it...he did not hit on me in the beginning...i live in Europe he in Oklahoma USA....so,he started contacting me every night online...till one day he said i was maybe a fake,maybe a man trying to pull some kind of prank on him,and that his friend told him to be careful,because a woman like me couldn't be real and talking to him,so he decide ,3months from where we started,to stop talking with me...And the way he told me that,he was raging,using Cap Locks and stuff...i was shocked and sad...so i sent him a message saying i was a woman,and told him to go to hell...i was crying,mad and sad...i was new on the internet...5 hours later,he said he was sorry,and he was going to show his ugly face tome...and he meant with that posting a picture of himself very fast,so i could see him...i saw a picture of a smiling afro american man with a very open smile and shinny eyes...and i thought,well i forgive him and i did not wanted him thinking i was discriminating him,and later he told me to call him...and the moment i heard his voice i was lost forever...well ladies,i have to stop because i have to cry...i love you all and this pain sucks....

Aceonelady

#14 Dec 15 - 9PM

highlyfavored

Small chilhood issues

well sick of it, i know that it is difficult to pinpoint where our insecurities come from and for lots of people something as minor as childhood teasing might seem petty to have a issue over as an adult. children find ways to cope with the pain of being teased or bullied or disregarded in any way, and although we are all grown up we have a subconscious mind and it is there that the messages of not good enough are stored, and it is these hidden messages that we repond to as adults, N And Codependents go togather, its becoming addicted to the inability to get this person to see that you are actually good enough, and the fact that you feel you can save or make better this person if only he can reconize me and my love for real. Check it out, being teased as a child no matter how insignificant you might think, has a lasting impression on our esteem, there is a good possibility that your answer is there, the situation did not lead you to be a crack addict as it has lots of people, but it is a good chance that it left you wide open for addictive behaviors that put you right in line for the N in your life. Hope this is a bit of insight to promote some thought on how might have hooked up with him.

#15 Dec 15 - 9PM

Happy1

I'm with you sick of it

I'm having the same issue myself. No clue why I'm here and why I feel so codependent or have allowed an N to do this to me. No clue what happened to me to be so insecure.

#16 Dec 15 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

gettinbetter

Honestly my parents never

Honestly my parents never did anything to me but love me. Now I will say they were a bit overprotective but thats it. I know it wasnt them but what was it? I dont know? I feel like I need to have this revelation so I can move forward that if I dont Im just gonna be stuck here forever

#17 Dec 15 - 9PM (Reply to #3)

alittledark

I haven't known you but for

I haven't known you but for a short time "sick of it" and I can't say from lack of knowledge what would cause one to fall into this dark pit of hell, but you have reached out to me to help me a lot in just the past couple of days with your encouraging words through your emails....you are a very giving person and that is a big part of it I'm sure. I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. --Helen Keller

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller

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