I am tired of feeling like this!

17 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 3 - 7PM

victimnomore

I am tired of feeling like this!

I am 15 weeks NC and I am feeling all kinds of things. My NH did some really terrible and embarrassing things to me during our 25 years together and it seems that everything is coming to the surface and i can't stuff them down anymore. For years I have willed myself to not think about things he did and to tell myself that it isn't that bad.

I find myself the last couple of days questioning if he is a narcissist. He fit every trait that i have seen but yet my mind will question. I am crying as I writ this because i know he is a narcissist.

3 months into our relationship after being perfect he forced me to have oral sex with him. He spit in my face, He kicked me with boots on, he broke furniture, he forced sex from me, he held me in the house for 10 hours one day. He controlled what I wore, he would take my car and not pick me up after work. All of this was many years ago.

The newest abuse was he cheated, he solicited sex and massages online and if i confronted him he would say that I was abusive and invasive. he spent thousands of dollars of my money (He work 2 full time jobs and is always broke). He would buy 500 shoes and 200 belts and 300 cologne. He always have to have the best. (even though he could not afford it). He was cold and aloof with no emotions.

He was jealous of anyone who I paid attention to. He accused me of flirting with my brother-in-law. He is friends with every ex-girlfriend that he has ever had and talk on the phone with them at all times of the night and day for hours at a time but would not call me or answer when I called him. If he did call me it would only be for a minute or so.

I could go on and on about him but what I don't understand is why am I not jumping for joy that he is gone. I will never go back to him but i feel so fu**ed up and alone. I want my happy self back. I feel like sometimes I want to give up. I have a great support system but I can't explain to them what I am feeling because i don't know what i am feeling I just want to be done with it and move on with my life. I know that he has an OW by now because i did everything for him except wipe his a** and he cannot take care of himself but that does not really bother me it's me that bothers me I am angry at myself for not being stronger and over it already. Can someone help me with this?

Thanks!

#2 Jan 4 - 2AM

ImStrong

Victim No More

Omg twenty five years..you have been with a narc..how could one survive..so well as you have..I feel for you..You are so strong..so brave..so courageous.. Everyday must of been agony..pain..a rolercoster..a obstacle..a train reck You have come along way..you have survived the storm..You are the winner.. I can't stop saying such good things about.you..because you are all of those things you are good.. You have to not look at your name as Victimnomore but as Victim No More! You realize the difference... You can withhold any storm.. Keep your mind and body strong..make sure they connect.. It is not the end that you fear..ITs a new beginning.. Remember You have more Than he will ever have or want..You are beautiful xx

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

#3 Jan 4 - 10AM (Reply to #16)

victimnomore

Imstrong

You don't know how your words have helped me today. I get so tired of thinking about him and what he did to me. I just want to forget! But it is not happening fast enough. I know it will take time after 25 years but I just want it to be over now! Thank You again for your kind words. i don't know what I would do without this site!

victimnomore

#4 Jan 4 - 10AM (Reply to #15)

victimnomore

Imstrong

victimnomore

#5 Jan 3 - 10PM

Janet

25 years is so incredibly

25 years is so incredibly long - you are doing AMAZING. I was in for 4 years and I was royally F*&ed up by the whole mess. All of the healing is a long, slow process, and really cannot be rushed, it is painful and confusing. It has been over a year since I spoke with N/P and nearly a year of NC and I decided to suffer through the pain and learn from it. I was very lonely and felt pretty lost last year. It takes a while to build a healthy, happy, fulfilling life that is sustainable. You took the hardest step. The next steps are all about you. Feel what you need to, it is necessary. You know that saying, "The best way to get over something is to go through it". You should be pretty proud of yourself, you are showing enormous strength and self love. Peace. J

Peace. J

#6 Jan 4 - 11AM (Reply to #13)

victimnomore

Thanks Janet

I would do anything for 4 years LOL! I know that I have to feel the pain and go through it and yes I feel very lonely and lost but I know that this is the best thing that I have done, to leave. I felt like I was dying with him actually i was dead, dead inside and now I feel alive but confused. I have to allow myself to heal and forgive myself for staying so long. That is the part that eat me up inside. How can i have stayed for so long and will I ever get past this? I pray that all of us will get through this!

victimnomore

#7 Jan 3 - 9PM

Jean

why you feel crazy

I guess there are a lot of reasons to feel crazy, but for me the main reason is I feel that b/c he can't deal with his own shame, he puts it on me. The N is so effective at deflecting shame and self-hatred it is almost like he transfers those feelings to people who get close to him or try to get close. I can only imagine what you are going through b/c my experience was brief, only 5 months, yet still I doubt myself despite what I know to be the facts. I didn't do anything wrong, yet he worked hard to make me feel like I did. I guess if you despise yourself and the person near you is a mirror, at times you look in that mirror and see all the ugliness. . .then you will try to convince that mirror (the other person) that they are hateful and ugly. That is what N's do b/c they cannot look at themselves. And I think that is one reason we suffer so much. Thank God for this board, though. It is really healing to talk to people who understand.

#8 Jan 4 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

victimnomore

Jean you are

you are so right that he made me feel all of the ugly things that he is. I was so different before I met him. This board has helped me to at least see him for what he is because I kept going back hoping that he changed like he said he did but nothing changed. He got worse.

victimnomore

#9 Jan 3 - 8PM

insectt (not verified)

victimnomore...

What a great name and a great step to not being a realtionship like that! 15 weeks is an excellent accomplishment for the DECADES you had to suffer through that abuse. It will be a slow road to recovery but not impossible. Each day away from him takes you a day closer to being truly happy. You have 25 years to unravel and make sense of something that made no sense. In fact, I attribute the trauma and abuse we 'put up with' as a Plato's Cave syndrome. It becomes all we know and we just accept it. But once we break free and experience another world a REAL world, we start learning there is more to life then what they wanted us to believe. You broke free. It will be a long recovery but there are many people here to help when you are confused, scared, unsure, sad, mad, angry. Whatever. We ALLOW you to express your emotions so you can get to a healthier place. :) You are not jumping for joy he is gone because you have to sort everything out and eventually realize what he is. Not human. Hang in there...it will happen eventually. I think someone here posted about tricking your brain into a different state of mind. I do that every so often now. Go, look in the mirror and smile the BIGGEST smile you can. Tell yourself you are awesome and smile again. You had strength to leave him. THAT in itself is a colossol feat!! :)

#10 Jan 3 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

victimnomore

Thanks insectt

Thanks for your encouragement. I have been really confused these last couple of days. sometimes I am ok the a second later I am not. This is the longest time ever between us without any contact at all and I know that it is the only way to go no matter how difficult. Trying to hang in there!

victimnomore

#11 Jan 3 - 8PM (Reply to #8)

victimnomore

Thanks insectt

victimnomore

#12 Jan 3 - 8PM

onwithmylife

vicitmnomore

I cannot explain the crazy making they do to us, I am 2 years out and the man is still on my m ind, we had a 15 year relationship,not married.i sent him a card because i found out he is dying of 2 cancers and he sends me back a letter accusing me of the umttenth time of having affairs on line when we were together,NOT, I was always faithful to the man, even when he treated me like shit, and one time we broke up and went out for coffee with a man, big deal. they must place blame on anyone BUT themselves, they will never look inward and you are always wrong. Here he is dying and no kind letter, thanking me for all that I did or wish me luck in my move, they simply do not have it in them to be kind, caring, empathetic people, impossible, his letters are how I got my closure.almost masochistic nature in us, no more, this time I want a really nice man, do not get mad at yourself, we all have been there and done that.Need to try and move on though I know it is not easy..............

#13 Jan 3 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

victimnomore

onwithmylife

I am sorry he couldn't see that you were concerned for his health. That is why I know that I cannot have contact with my NH ever again. He is sooooo manipulative and will never admit that he did any of these things to me. I want to call and let him know what kind of damage he has done to me but i know that he would just be happy to get some supply from me because this is the first time in 25 years that he has no control over me at all. This is very hard for me but i know that it must be done. Sometimes I feel like just giving up but I have a 14 year old son to take care of and I do not want him to end up being raised by hi dad so I have to keep trying to recover.

victimnomore

#14 Jan 4 - 12AM (Reply to #3)

narcissizednomore

You have a lot of healing to

You have a lot of healing to do and what I found that helps loads is to surround yourself with 'real' people who are happy, positive, and interesting. Also stay busy with activities that YOU enjoy and not the kind of things you did with your ex. That way, you won't have constant reminders of him. Slowly, you will rebuild your life and will look back at how that world you left behind is in the past.

narcissizednomore

#15 Jan 4 - 11AM (Reply to #6)

victimnomore

narcissizednomore

I am trying to do exactly that. I have a big family and I feel really good when I am with them and not thinking about the ahole . I can't wait to look back and not feel anything for him. love, hate, empathy nothing!

victimnomore

#16 Jan 4 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

victimnomore

narcissizednomore

victimnomore

#17 Jan 4 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

victimnomore

narcissizednomore

victimnomore

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