i am rambling incoherently today

Friends, please pardon me for just venting and venting and venting today. For nearly 10 months I have REPRESSED my true emotions and pretended that I am really quite fine even though I have am recently breaved ( emotionally/spiritually) of the one and only man i ever loved and lost...

I wrote about my utter desolation in my own blog, but somehow that does not feel the same as writing at this forum. Here, I feel a great comforting in knowing that at least some of you would read my post without thinking that i am an utter loser who knows only to whine.

I really don't know what to do. One by one I am losing every bit of interest and zest that i had in life. I understand that I have to fight the dementors in my head and somehow learn to be happy in life...

it is so hard to describe every nuance of this loneliness... there is nobody to share my life with except my child...see, there is no guy in my life now even though NH is still around notionally. He is in the house for a brief few hours, and during that time he is non stop texting to that woman or speaking to her. I feel like such a discarded piece of garbage nowadays. I cook and clean and keep house, but my husband has given his ALL...( financials, devotion, vacations) to that woman exclusively.

I cant help recalling that 20+ years back when we were newly married...he did shower me with bizarre and fanciful attention and dedication. I am thinking today...what if.. what if I had never called him out on his duplicity, his lying, his carelessness etc which began once our child turned 4? IF i had just kept quiet...would he have continued to give me some respect and love??? I am saying...would he have shared at least 2% attention for me???

Then I remember how he removed my name from our joint bank account, and suddenly cancelled my add on credit card, and the series of raging for inconsequential reasons had already begun...

i do feel so sad and helpless and wounded today...more than i have felt before. earlier...it used to be like me mentally ANGRY as hecks and HURT with what he did and continues to do...

Till about 7 months ago he still would have sex with me and weirdly it would make me think...'Oh...maybe he is not really sleeping around ..."

BUT few months ago, every possible evidence/proof fell into my lap and there was no way i would sleep with him again.

I did not inform him about the information/proof that came my way. I just said some hokum pokum and left my marital bed of over 2 decades.

Friends, it really deeply HURTS that...for the rest of life i will never have sex again. Somehow, it does not make me happy to even think of another man touching my body or soul. What is saddening me immensely is this ABRUPT ENDING of a marriage. Emotional ending. He has not divorced me yet. And it is hurtful to think that he has zero attachment for me or child.

he would cold bloodedly turn me out without a backward glance because i am not available for sex. I am thinking EVEN if i had made myself available to him...which I was all these years and years... he would still do exactly what he did.

after all....where was the need for him to promise marriage to this newest ow when he has not even mentioned divorce to me?

I am very confused and upset today.

what bothers me most is that why am i still so thinking of our love and marriage when he has so disgustingly slammed everything that i held sacred?

I think I have rambled too much and so incoherently today. Just once i wanted to speak out what my heart feels.

Thank you for reading.

it is so futile...whatever i think or not think.

he doesnt care about me...and i still do care so much about him..

am i some kind of deranged creature i wonder