I am letting myself wreak havoc!

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#1 Dec 9 - 12PM

micahsmommy12

I am letting myself wreak havoc!

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. This guy has taken every last shred of my dignity and I have offered it all up so willingly!
My ex called my friend the other night to ask how me and my son were doing. She told me all about it because I was very upset about recent developments with his new girlfriend. She was trying to make me feel better. So the next morning...after minimal sleep, stewing and obsessing all night, I basically wake up in tears seeing RED!
So I sent him an email...ugh why??? I basically told him not to ever talk about me or my son, that he is no longer welcome to exist to us, a few choice words about the new girl. I hate him, yadda yadda...I don't know what I was thinking. I have let my emotions control my decisions.
So he calls my friends husband (his best friend), he's mad she told me.
She is PISSED at me and her husband is mad at her about, making it so much worse. She has been my friend for 6 years, my best friend. She is trying to juggle being friends with both of us. So I take responsibility, eat sh*t, apologize, AND I had to apologize to him in an attempt to smooth this over. I'm not truly sorry, but I don't want to lose my friend. I'm sorry I got her involved. I had to tell him I hate what he has done, but I forgive him, wished him well, so on. Maybe I didn't have to, but I did feel the need to take responsibility and defend my friends choice to tell me. This is just too much drama and it's all my fault.
Now after everything he has done, I am the bad guy. I have probably lost my friend. And they probably all think I am bat sh*t crazy! I feel like I'm going crazy. I said my sincere apologies to everyone involved and now I just have to wait it out I guess. But I feel bad, and now I'm alone. And part of me thinks this is what he wanted. Yes, it was crazy to send that email. But why is he so mad she mentioned he asked about me? Why does he care, he has had breakups with mutual friends before it happens. People talk.
I don't what to do.

#2 Dec 10 - 5PM

micahsmommy12

Well, I'm happy to report

Well, I'm happy to report this drama is now over! Thank god my friend is a smart cookie and saw how he was manipulating the situation. We have decided to never talk about him again...or at least not for a very long time, after I am healed. That is the last time I will let him cause me any more dramatics! From now on: NC, NC, and NC!!!!!!

#3 Dec 10 - 5PM (Reply to #44)

Hunter

There you

There you gp.. Delete..Delete.Delete..

#4 Dec 10 - 5PM (Reply to #43)

Journey

So glad you've got some

So glad you've got some closure with this. It is understandable that you want to maintain this friendship, but be very careful going forward. Triggers are too easy to experience when we least expect them. Just knowing she may have info can make the temptation to ask difficult to resist, but NOT knowing anything about what the narc is doing is the best way to keep moving forward away from them. ((hugs))

Journey on...

#5 Dec 9 - 8PM

ReclaimingPower

I'm so sorry you are going

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is devastating and very, very lonely. I too had to cut out mutual friends....and they didn't start out as mutual, they were mine. He knew what he was doing and in the end he chose one of my friends as his next OW. But I had to choose whether I would let him manipulate me through these friends (and in turn have them be manipulated...also into believing untruths about me) or make the break to choose self respect and healing. I made the hard break (feeling like I walk around with a scarlet letter on my chest and all). True friends will be there later when the truth surfaces about the N through other means. They will return. And in the meantime, a new life will surface for you -- new friends and new realities as you learn more about who you really are -- IF you take the time to understand why THIS man and the one before (and potentially others before him) were in your life. Look at your childhood, look inward, is there neglect, abuse, is there longing, is there seeking for approval and love externally instead of from within, are you setting strong/weak boundaries with others, is there a lost little girl inside looking for the approval of her father or mother? These are some of the deep drivers of our actions we can change through this experience and with that work we can draw in healthier relationships so we NEVER repeat this experience again.....NEVER bring another man like this into our lives again. But it takes work...and it all begins here and now. Baby steps...and No Contact. One day at a time. We are here for each other. It's not easy, but it is easier to do it together than alone and easier with knowledge than in fear and darkness. Sending much love and strength your way...

#6 Dec 9 - 8PM (Reply to #41)

micahsmommy12

Thank you very much. I do

Thank you very much. I do have some childhood issues to work out. And I have recently come to learn that I have a big codependency issue. I'm in therapy, I started last week. I'm very sad about this, but like I said, I have lost friends due to his manipulations before. He helped me lose them, and then used the fact that I was isolated as a way to hurt me. I don't know how many times he mentioned that said friend was my ONLY friend. All to hurt me. Now, he has played a part in me losing her. He sent me an email about 6 weeks ago in response to the fact I was trying to go NC but he had furniture in my garage. So I gave it away on Craigslist! Ha, he was just using it to further control me. Anyways, he said "This is the reason everyone leaves you! Your ex, me, all your friends, even YOUR DAD!" Ouch! As much as I know it was a ploy to hurt me, this situation makes me think...maybe it is me. Maybe people tire of my drama.

#7 Dec 9 - 8PM

micahsmommy12

I know. I was doing so well.

I know. I was doing so well. As much as I know he is manipulating the situation, the fact is I let him. I messed up my friendship not him. I acted immaturely out of emotion and now I am paying the price. I gave him this opportunity all wrapped up with a pretty little bow. Merry Christmas!

#8 Dec 9 - 7PM

ruby01 (not verified)

This is why

it's sooo important to stay no contact. Anything you say can & will be used against you!

#9 Dec 9 - 7PM

Sparrow

Can you say "triangulation"?

Can you say "triangulation"? Read up on this. Your friend may have been a pawn in his little game, or a willing participant. Either way, its not cool. Beware of ANYONE that is WILLING to get involved in others relationships. Normal people stray from getting involved. Just saying.............

#10 Dec 9 - 6PM

nomoredenial

I just posted a new topic oh

I just posted a new topic oh my god she says it so well ......in there is a link ....the story made me think of course all of us but there is a few lines in there that you might relate too

#11 Dec 9 - 3PM

nomoredenial

I agree with the others he

I agree with the others he totally set this 1 up. what really annoys me is that you were the 1 have to apologize for the whole mess. I feel like clear boundaries and not having them is what got me into narkland in the first place. I feel like a healthy conversation would be you are my friend you know the situation that I'm in I am tender and vulnerable n you need to be responsible for telling me in the first place. I don't think the entire burden lays completely on your shoulders. my feeling is she enjoys the drama and that's why she told you...... could be my projection. I agree with the others though your friendship with her maybe too close to the nark and could impeed rather then inhance your healing. yes you reacted but is it all your fault for you to take all of it on? I am so triggered because it is this 1 element of everything always somehow being my fault that kept me trapped for so long.

#12 Dec 9 - 3PM (Reply to #33)

micahsmommy12

Yeah, she does have a

Yeah, she does have a tendency to be involved in drama. This is not the first time it has happened between the 3 of us, so I should have known better than to take the bait. It still boggles my mind that he could master all of this. He called her and acted like he had genuine concern for me and my son. But if he did, why would he cheat, lie, abuse, and use me? He has never called me to ask about my son. I guess part of my rage that led to the email, was "If you love my son sooo much, why would you do this to me? Why would you be there, with her?". I guess I have to come at this situation from a whole new perspective. I have to remember this is not a normal person I am dealing with.

#13 Dec 9 - 3PM (Reply to #34)

Hunter

They like to triangulate ...

They like to triangulate ... That's what he's doing with this friend.. She may be totally unaware .. But she too is a victim.. You need to do some house cleaning.. Garbage belongs at the curb.. Hunter

#14 Dec 9 - 3PM (Reply to #35)

micahsmommy12

Yeah...I don't think she will

Yeah...I don't think she will talk to me again. I just have to walk away but it's very hard. this man came into my life when I was very vulnerable because of a breakup of a 6 year relationship. In this past year I have had to move an hour away from everyone I know. I have lost 2 best friends and 2 boyfriends in 16 months. And I am here, alone. Thanks god I found this site.

#15 Dec 9 - 2PM

bakingfortherapy

circus...

during the crazy times a friend told me this: Do NOT be one of the acts in his three ring circus!! And I was caught up in the mess and was one of the acts soo many times! But after a bad situation, where I acted crazy, I pulled back and thought enough! He created the mess and probably LOVED that he had me so riled up! I had to stop reacting and try to show him I just dont care about him at all! Poise and Grace......( cant tell you how many times I have repeated this to myself when I would have reacted) Poise and Grace..

#16 Dec 9 - 1PM

needing2know

If she is telling YOU

If she is telling YOU everything he says, I bet she tells him EVERYTHING you tell her, DO NOT talk to her about him anymore, like the MODS and everyone else says and tells you , come here and let it out! You have to TRUST everyone here, we are ALL in this together, if you don't take the advise that is offered you will never heal. Have faith in your heart with everyone here, that we will all help you,we all help each other because WE GET IT! If you have never been with a Narc, they have NO idea what yor really dealing with. but YOU have to LISTEN and respect all the advise. Once in a while we all need a kick in the ass, and I have to tell you I WELCOME IT when I NEED IT! Try to stay strong and stay the hell away from him.

#17 Dec 9 - 2PM (Reply to #30)

micahsmommy12

Absolutely. I really

Absolutely. I really appreciate being welcomed with open arms. I agree, I don't think they have any idea of what I have really been through. This was by no means the normal run of the mill relationship or breakup, so it's hard to get people to understand that my reactions may be crazy, but I am coming out of a tornado! I did need the kick in the ass. So to all the moderators, I'm sorry for seeming disrespectful. Anyways, I'm sure she has told him things...rather I know she has. She has not hidden that fact from me. Only recently have I come to realize it doesn't matter that he is hurting me. He just does not care. So her telling him doesn't make one bit of difference to him, in fact just gives him more ammo. I have never dated someone with mutual friends, and I have never dated a Narc, so this is all new territory to me. It's been hard to try and rationalize all these things, and now I see I just can't.

#18 Dec 9 - 1PM

Doubtdispelled

you deserve better

My heart goes out to you. I know how hurtful it is to have your closest friends used against you. Try to remember he is pulling the same trick on them as he pulled on you. He really doesn't care how he hurts them either. I lost my dear friend of 20 years because my husband has been telling her malicious lies about me behind my back. All the evil, cruel things he has done to me, he has been telling my friend that I have been doing these things to him! You are a good person and you deserve trust and love. If your friend is believing his evil talk, there is nothing you can do. I am just carrying on, being me. I hope as time goes by the friend I lost because of my abuser's lies will recognize I am still me. You have a right to feel angry, betrayed, hurt and you are not to blame. If your friend has hurt you, please know you are not alone and you don't deserve to be treated unfairly. Abusers can't keep up their facade forever and they eventually damage everyone they use and discard.

#19 Dec 9 - 1PM

Used

micahsmommy12

I JUST LOOKED AT YOUR PROFILE...YOU SAY YOU ARE MOVING ON.... YOU WON'T EVER MOVE ON WITH FRIENDS LIKE THIS.... HE PHONED HER[UMMMMMM] TO SAY THIS ABOUT YOU KNOWING SHE WOULD SAY IT TO YOU...YOU THEN REACT[AS HE KNEW YOU WOULD] YOU NOW LOOK PYSCHOTIC..... JOB -WELL -DONE!!!!!!!!

#20 Dec 9 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

micahsmommy12

Used

Cruelty and sarcasm, disguised as honesty, is still cruelty and sarcasm. I hear what you are saying loud and clear. You're delivery...not so nice. And I am "trying" to move on. Cut me some slack.

#21 Dec 9 - 1PM (Reply to #22)

Hunter

Michsmommy

Ummm.. Used is a moderator.. As well as I Guess what? She's right.. He played you like a fiddle.. You reacted just as he planned.. and caused a problem with your friend.. These people are Master Manipulators . If you know better than we do why are you here? How you react is only going to hurt you in the long run.. Used, me, spinning, journey, Goldie, the Mod Squad! ( I guess you havent fully read the site ) we mean business.. It's FREE advice.. And guess what we know what we are taliking about..why? because we've been hurt and dragged thru the mud.. Maybe you're not dirty enough to take advice.. Try reading a bit to understand the problem and hand And that wouldn't be Used!!

#22 Dec 9 - 1PM (Reply to #23)

micahsmommy12

Oh no I'm dirty enough! My

Oh no I'm dirty enough! My sincere apologies, like I said I mistook her response. I have not been here long, and I do appreciate all the responses I have gotten including yours. Now please excuse me while I enjoy my slice of humble pie....

#23 Dec 9 - 4PM (Reply to #26)

Done sourcing

You will get little slack

You will get little slack here. You are talking to many who have been abused and twisted for years .by Narcs as bad or worse than yours. I guarantee that anyone who read your post cringed at the part about you having to apologize to the x. Don't do that to yourself again. Apologizing to him is supply to him. Try not to email him, try not to call him, try not to talk with your friend about him at all. Read about triangulation, you talk to her, she talks to hubby, he talks to Narc, Narc says narcshit, and the circle of insanity gets bigger and stronger and louder and gets a life of its own. Only you can stop it. Don't tell the friend you don't want to talk about it. Just don't talk about it. She will learn quickly it is off limits. Any other decision by you will keep the insanity going. I hated that I had to be the only responsible party regarding these things in my chaotic web with the exwn, but that is the way it was. We have to do the growing up. People love gossip. Make no mistake your friend and her husband talk about you guys. You will have to live with that. Any thing you say to her will be repeated at least once. And twisted. And used for supply by the x. You have to decide. And remeber that talking toyour friend about any of it gives him supply. Yes, these situations suck. But I refuse to lie to you and tell you otherwise. That would be truly cruel. Stop making humble pie, then you won't have to decide whether to eat it or not. Get a new friend to talk to who isn't involved. Get a couple women here on site to talk with. They will help you. This stuff is hard. It is painful. It takes courage to walk through it. But it is worth it. We have to get to the point where we are ready to let go of the past, and move on. Sometimes we lose more than we can anticipate. But every single one of us here end up getting alot more good than we could have ever imagined! Read the steps as outlined on this website, and study them, and make them a part of your life. Be true to yourself. We will be here with you through all of it. Blessings and light to you, ds

#24 Dec 9 - 5PM (Reply to #27)

jackguy

ds is right here

sam vaknin's video about abuse by proxy helped me in understanding how my interactions with anyone who is friends with exn can extend the reach of her abuse of me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0aOH6kw9ug

#25 Dec 9 - 2PM (Reply to #24)

Hunter

Honey were hear here to hurt

Honey we're not hear here to hurt you. I promise.. These creatures are.. We are here to give you strength and to open your eyes.. These freaks are calculated evil. Once you read .. And read a lot you will see the pattern of their mass destruction.. Walking away is all you can do.. It's a hopeless situation..when they are done with you All thats left is a broken heart and soul.. It's time to get on the mend.. You need to understand the mind of a psychopath.. And you don't yet! Stay here with us .read and NC.. Say a prayer for the other woman as she is his next victium.. Its how it works..idealize.devalue,discard, rinse and repeat.. Hunter

#26 Dec 9 - 2PM (Reply to #25)

micahsmommy12

Thank you.

#27 Dec 9 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

Used

I WASENT BEIGN CRUEL OR

I WASENT BEIGN CRUEL OR SARCASTIC TO YOU OR ABOUT YOU IT WAS ABOUT THEM... I WON'T ANSWER YOUR POSTS ANYMORE, OF ALL THE TIME I HAVE BEEN ON THIS BOARD ,I HAVE NEVER BEEN ACCUSED OF EITHER OF THESE THINGS IN FACT I HAVENT BEEN ACCUSED OF ANYTHING............

#28 Dec 9 - 2PM (Reply to #17)

Im_always_fine

Can I say...with absolute

Can I say...with absolute respect and if you could hear me you'd hear the intentions in my voice and see on my face that I'm just trying look at this from another perspective. I think Micahsmom is raw and emotionally stressed. Humiliated and venting. She's just been through something very degrading. Sadly in her anger and venting she's feeling sensitive (maybe overly) and in her lashing out...got you too. Maybe? I don't know you Micahsmom. But is it possible that you are "fear biting"? We are all at point in the recovery process here at All About Him. The newer we are here...the more fragile we are. The "old timers" realize this and are trying be strong FOR us. They are so forthright from EXPERIENCE and know it's not a time for coddling...they've been there/done that. This is just my take on what just happened here. A little slack is called for.

#29 Dec 9 - 3PM (Reply to #21)

Im_always_fine

Oops..I wasn't clear. I

Hunter..I wasn't clear. I shifted the direction of my conversation in mid post. I began by addressing Used. Saying I felt Micah was stinging. Then I started to speak to Micahsmom, "I don't know YOU Micah'smom." I felt that SHE was "fearbiting" And pointed out to Micahsmom the experience and good intentions of the old timers here. I meant that Used's being forthright with her was coming from a place of insight through experience. Must be something in the air.

#30 Dec 9 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

Hunter

I'm always fine

I see you've been here two weeks.. Goldie has been doing this for ten years.. She is head moderator and a professional in the field.Lisa is published on the subject.. The Mods again..just in case you missed it used,spinning, journey, Hunter,Scoop.. Meet everyday and discuss how to handle the board.. Again ..in case you missed it we have all been hurt. ...enabling is not tolerated and telling the Moderators protocol will not be either.. Thank you for your advice.. Hunter

#31 Dec 9 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

micahsmommy12

Humiliated

That is the strongest emotion I have. I am humiliated. I have reacted in such a way that everyone thinks I am the one that's crazy. He looks like a jerk for doing these things to me, but I am the crazy one.

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