I am letting go

40 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 19 - 8PM

Unfreakinreal

I am letting go

I am embarrassed to share all of the details but it is time to let go, way past time.

Back and forth texting, mostly me pouring out my soul in an effort to get him to see how it is better for me to not have him in my life.

He agrees to leave me alone and I go to bed for another sleepless night.

I text him today to see if we can meet so I can repay the money he gave me a couple weeks ago.

No go, more back and forth texting.

I text that it is never going to be the relationship that either of us want, it's time to be done completely with no chance for friendship.

That was a lie. I told him that maybe we could pick up our friendship at some other time and place. Wished him well, happiness and all that.

He texts me that he will call me in a couple weeks if that's ok.

I fire off a nasty text that it is absolutely not ok, that he does not get to dictate when we do and don't talk, that it is always all about him and everything has to be his way. Told him he was an extremely selfish man and that I hate myself that I care so much because he has nobody to talk to.

He sends back "ok".

Now I am really pissed and I call. He flies into a rage about how he's had enough of all of it and that he doesn't even know if he will want to call me in a couple weeks.

I just couldn't leave it alone last night, now I look like the crazy woman and end up crying on the phone.

And to top it off, he dismisses the smiley face incident as nothing and trivial.

I am stupid. I didn't want him to come back. I did my part and didn't contact him, he was the one who contacted me. And now I have a migraine and I feel like a piece of shit again.

I asked him why the hell he even called me, he said he just wanted someone to talk to.

I have explained over and over that I cannot be his friend, been explicit about how detrimental it is to me to have any contact, pleaded with him to please just go away.

And now I look like the fucking asshole.

Great.

#2 Sep 20 - 6PM

Hunter

Just another dish of "

Just another dish of " scrambled eggs" you"ll stop when you've had enough ! Hunter

#3 Sep 20 - 7PM (Reply to #39)

Unfreakinreal

I do believe I've had

I do believe I've had enough... It's clear he never will which is fine. I am taking my bat and my ball and I am going home. I don't want to play anymore. Xoxo

#4 Sep 20 - 8AM

Unfreakinreal

I needed a good laugh today

So I now know that it is not me who is pathetic. Here is the text I just received... Morning. Again, I am so sorry for bothering you the past 2 days. You are right, I don't know how it is for you and I should have stuck to my guns and left you alone. I would really like to be able to talk to you without all of the bs but you always make it about us. I miss talking to you, I miss my best friend. You are right, there is nothing I can say except I am sorry. I will give you a couple of weeks to calm down and then hopefully we can talk. You are a very nice woman and I miss talking to you. You know how I am, I am a paradox and you knew from the beginning that I didn't want a rebound. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I am here. You can call me anytime. I kinda threw up a little in my mouth after reading that.

#5 Sep 20 - 11AM (Reply to #36)

Done sourcing

That is the best example of

That is the best example of narcspeak I remember seeing. What a pile of bullshit. Written by a cretinous cavernous comatose clown. Save that whole thing as his finest legacy. My favorite is "you can call me anytime", what a giver he is. Oh yes, let me call him and get that sympathetic compassion and understanding that will heal me and allow me to get stuck right back in the problem all over again. I also give honorable mention to "I should have stuck to my guns and left you alone." But here he is texting you and not leaving you alone. He is so lost and f'd up, and he needs you to engage to transfer his devastation onto you. Pray he find someone soon who will provide him with enough supply to allow him to leave you alone. His kind of pathology will drown you UFR, so swim to shore, run up the bank, and walk away and don't look back! You'll get more love and compassion calling New Delhi and talking to a computer repairman named gunjab (I mean Carl).Lol! He is trying so hard to re-attach his mask for you, and it is so transparent... a mask made of teflon and plastic wrap...fuck the drama, get off the sinking ship called Narc! ds

#6 Sep 20 - 12PM (Reply to #37)

Pride and Shame

Best in Show and Honorable Mention

Love the "awards", DS! Yes, I agree with the "pray he find someone else soon upon which to transfer his devastation". Craigslist Ad (posted by him) Needed quickly. Grade A Narc Supply. Must look and sound exceptional. Not stupid, but not too smart. No prior experience with Narcs needed or wanted. Equal Opportunity Womanizing Liar

#7 Sep 20 - 11AM (Reply to #33)

Pride and Shame

Unfreakinreal

"You always make it about us", "I will give you a couple of weeks to calm down.""I am a paradox". "You know how I am". And you are the one who is upset and thinking you look "crazy". Un freaking real is right.

#8 Sep 20 - 11AM (Reply to #34)

Unfreakinreal

LMFAO at your post. Yeah,

LMFAO at your post. Yeah, right. I am the crazy one... A couple weeks of peace and quiet is all I need to clear my head. So he's going to give me a couple weeks to calm down - don't threaten me with a good time, Chief.

#9 Sep 20 - 12PM (Reply to #35)

Pride and Shame

don't threaten me with a good time, Chief.

OMG, we crack ourselves up. My favorite "last" line from mine was "Will you say hi from time to time?". Uh, no. UFR - Here's to "calming down"!!! Maybe a lobotomy, too, because you are thinking way too much!

#10 Sep 20 - 9AM (Reply to #32)

adoette

unfreakinreal

omg, I love it! sooooo typical. thanks for sharing.

#11 Sep 20 - 7AM

Unfreakinreal

Thank you everyone...

I am up, I slept well, migraine is gone. Read through all of the 60 plus texts before I deleted them and not once did I ask him to come back, in fact each one said it was over in one way or another. No possibility for anything. It was his text that summed it all up, had I have received that one first, I could have saved myself some craziness. It said: " I will call you in a couple of weeks unless something important comes up before then, ok?" No, Chief, it is most definitely not ok. Xoxoxo

#12 Sep 20 - 2PM (Reply to #30)

needing2know

MY DLB

Hey ....does this mean your on the NAUGHTY STEP for a TIME OUT lol

#13 Sep 20 - 3AM

Jelickuk

In know this cycle so well. I

In know this cycle so well. I end up as his dustbin He walks away from the whole thing calm, cool, in control, haughty and condescending full opf scorn for my drama and madness Whilst I am usually left spinning, out of control, screaming like a banshee, sobbing, sweating and hating myself. The truth is...he is out of control, mad, in chaos, hating, screaming i8nside but I let him project it into me and act it out for him. I carry his shit and leave him free what a horrible bloody role and a legacy from my childhood when I would always feel nasty and dirty No More

#14 Sep 19 - 10PM

blindfaith

Unfreakinreal

oh i totally understand! Mine is just like that too! Same thing happening with me....i was doing my part and having no contact, just starting to feel a little better and then he shows up one night buzzing my apt around 1 in the morning, as high as a kite--wanting a cig and listening ear. It really set me back. Then i had coffee with him a couple nights later. oops. After that i made myself go no contact again but he wont leave me alone. He doesnt call every day but just enough to throw me off so that i cant move on. Today was very hard. He's been calling the last few days,leaving messages cause i wasnt answering. using his mom as an excuse to get together cause she's in town...wants me to meet her.I know her from talking over the phone alot of times but never saw her. (after ive already told him many times that its hard on me to be in contact with him). She called and talked to me today. She was nice and didnt say anything wrong but somehow it got me missing him and very sad again. So then he calls me tonight and i answered, since i felt horrible and had nothing to lose. I was at my worst as far as being vulnerable tonight, almost ready to go back to him, but i could tell by the conversation that he only called to make sure i was still not over him--made excused not to see me but wants to write me? same old control games. I had spent all day crying and praying for him to change, daring to hope again for some miricle. Silly me. I even felt guilty for thinking he's a N. I cant believe he got the best of me again. But thats okay. Im sorry for your pain cause i have it too, and yes they make us feel like crazy loons! We are not though, they are. At least we learn from these expereinces. Tomarrow is another new start for us to make the right decision...but for now, ouch!!!

#15 Sep 20 - 11AM (Reply to #26)

Done sourcing

"He doesnt call every day but

"He doesnt call every day but just enough to throw me off so that i cant move on." Blindfaith, are you ready to read this sentence in the light of who gets to decide what you want to do with your life. Who decides when we can move on? Who decides what calls we answer? Who decides what we look at on the computer? Who decides what places we drive by? Who decides what we read? Who decides who we spend time with? Who decides who we sleep with? Who decides who we pray to? Who decides whose mother we talk with? Who decides how much power we really have? Who decides how happy we want to be? Who decides they want to be controlled? Who decides to try the same old thing again? Who expects different results? After a period of no contact and no response no matter fucking what, sanity will return. First the healthy choice, then the healthy thinking will come back. ds

#16 Sep 20 - 2PM (Reply to #27)

strivingforhealing (not verified)

Done sourcing- YOU ROCKED my morning with this post!

so empowering. so energizing. tears flowing freely because reading it and taking it in- gave me a real sense of Self. Thank you so much. I am in control of my destiny totally. and NC all the way- is the ticket to freedom.. I am 4 months NC TODAY! and I am stepping forward into the new light of reality- one where I never doubt my self worth again. Thank you so much! XO

#17 Sep 19 - 9PM

Winter

I absolutely agree with DS

We always try to "save our face" with them, try "to win". As if it was the most important thing in this world! And we focus all our energy to get them to understand how strong we are and that we deserve respect. Lost case. Lost, because two opponents are not equal( and here we must be very honest with ourselves): opponent A (we) cares - opponent B (them) does not care. Of course under these conditions opponent B wins the battle. Fine! He won? Good for him. Let him enjoy it. If the idiot (sorry) enjoys hurting a woman who has feeling for him – fine. You do not want to win the battle; you don't need to show him you keep your control, not crazy, not affected, etc... You don't want to show him anything! The only thing you want is to heal and be out of this horrible vicious circle. And you can reach it if you resume NC. Please don't beat yourself over and over. Accept yourself for who you are with all your strenghts and weakness. Nobody is perfect, we all make mistake. You have not done anything horrible! Lost control a bit? Big deal! You see it as such a drama, a tragedy. But to all of us it does not look like you lost anything. And we still have a lot of consideration for you. Love Winter

#18 Sep 19 - 9PM (Reply to #24)

Unfreakinreal

Winter

Your words were incredible to read. And you are so right, why would I want to win a senseless and pointless battle? There is no way to win and it is a complete waste of my time and energy to engage in such nonsense in the first place. Thank you for your support and for the support of everyone else here, most of you know just how much it means. I am not angry with myself anymore over it but I can't let myself completely off the hook either. It was my choice, nobody forced me to respond or continue the interaction. I knew exactly how it would end and I knew how I would feel afterwards. I was wrong, I knew better, and it was the wrong choice. Next time I will make better ones.

#19 Sep 19 - 9PM

juliamarie

Don't beat yourself up

Yeah...you had a slip....you engaged in the craziness again. I did the same thing. And I feel like total shit. I understand NC is the only way. I've made myself miserable engaging in this crap again. Friendship is not an option, but I can't get the Narc to get it. Let's make a pact to get back on the horse of no contact and not let this happen to us again. I feel like scrambled eggs again.

#20 Sep 19 - 9PM (Reply to #22)

Unfreakinreal

Well get me some chaps and call me Roy Rogers...

Giddyup!!! One great thing came out of this. I have not one single doubt that he is an N. I have struggled with this for months and he is without a doubt a severely Type A narc. Yippee for a little enlightenment!

#21 Sep 19 - 9PM

needing2know

Just sent you a PM

#22 Sep 19 - 8PM

Done sourcing

Get over what you look like

Get over what you look like to the Narc. Really! Think about it. Caring what they think is the remnant of the magical thinking that maybe it will work out and we will find happiness with the narc. I would get mad at the narc and I could've recorded her response, because it was the same every time. "I wouldn't have strayed if you weren't so angry", every time. And that is what narcs do so well. Justify their behavior on supposed "wrongs" done to them. It is insanity. So fuck what he thinks UFR. We know he thinks through the filter of a personality disorder that will not go away. We need to go away. No contact, and no response if they start contacting us. Period. Simple. No more trying to make sense with a narc, it isn't of interest to them. They want supply, not resolution. They want adoration, not fairness. They want no accountability, not honesty. Their actions deserve consequences. And the consequence they deserve is to be banished forever from knowing our hearts or minds. No need to even tell them it is over. They don't deserve that much explanation or compassion. They use everything for supply, so give them nothing and let them do what they will with nothing. Choose wellness and lightness of being. Be aware that a plant must fight to break through the soil into the light...let that little bud be your guide! We're not waiting for recovery, recovery is waiting for us. ds

#23 Sep 20 - 5AM (Reply to #19)

adoette

"Choose wellness and lightness of being."

"Choose wellness and lightness of being. Be aware that a plant must fight to break through the soil into the light...let that little bud be your guide! We're not waiting for recovery, recovery is waiting for us." I swear I should've started a quote document from this site a long time ago. I find some of the most well-written, humorous, poignant, and wise words I have ever read right here on this site! Well said again, DS. I'm going to take that phrase today and run with it. "Choose wellness and lightness of being."

#24 Sep 20 - 3AM (Reply to #18)

ifinallygotit

done sourcing you are awesome

your posts give me strength and reinforce sanity - too bad I did not listen to you in June when he passed through town - I am still recovering from allowing him back in for a day... He has completely abandoned me again and it is true - when we make an ass of ourselves to them because of the emotional pain we are in - it does not matter! they will not love and respect us no matter what we do! so I lost my dignity again - but I can start all over again and pick myself up...he may be annoyed that I still care or mildly amused but it does not matter. I am still really struggling with the final letting go

#25 Sep 19 - 9PM (Reply to #17)

Unfreakinreal

Thank you ds...

Your posts always make so much sense to me. I am looking at his perception of me as more of a way to solidify the knowledge that he is not the one for me. How I feel right now as opposed to how I felt a few days ago? I don't want to do this again. I now have a reference point as to how it should be, it's gotta be some kind of step. :)

#26 Sep 19 - 8PM

Sparrow

They are masters at their

They are masters at their craft. You must remember that. They leave us looking and feeling crazy but we are not. Do not let him get the best of you. This is what he wants. To push your buttons, he knows each and evey one of them. Go back to NC and stay NC no matter what. And as far as meeting to give him his money, write him a check or money order and mail it. Simple as that.

#27 Sep 19 - 8PM (Reply to #14)

Unfreakinreal

He didn't even ask me for the

He didn't even ask me for the money. It was just an excuse to see if he would respond after I begged him the night before to stay away from me. Pathetic, but true. And over with. I have to stay NC. The past week has been peaceful, can see the difference now. You would think it would be a no brainer.

#28 Sep 19 - 9PM (Reply to #15)

needing2know

Take the money and go buy

Take the money and go buy yourself something instead. At least you see a difference, that is a plus!

#29 Sep 19 - 8PM

Pride and Shame

You're sane

You're sane and he's not. Something is missing. It is crazy-making. It's like beating your head against a wall over and over and over. Thus the migraine. It was the most bizarre thing I've ever experienced with another person. Bar none. You look really sane and normal to me. This is how we look when we try to deal with their crazy...

#30 Sep 19 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

Unfreakinreal

Am I?

Seriously. What normal person does this to herself over and over and over? I know he sees me as beneath him, substandard. And I was so close. All it took was a stupid smiley face and a text and I am all too willing to give him all the supply he needs. I didn't see him, I swear to all of you. He doesn't want me as anything more than someone to talk to when he needs it. That "I will call you in a couple weeks" deal just set me off. A big ass light bulb went off and I still gave up some more of my self esteem. God I hope I am done this time.

#31 Sep 19 - 11PM (Reply to #11)

blindfaith

"I will call you in a couple weeks"

do they all go to the same training school?! maybe we are seeing the same guy? lol Yeah, i hate that! Mine thinks im a walking sounding board too! SELFISH! im glad i read your post because now im seeing how similar this is to my situation. I shouldnt keep doubting that mine is a N. I dont know what got into me today.

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