I am leaving this forum

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#1 Sep 15 - 2PM
dabussard
dabussard's picture

I am leaving this forum

I wish all of you the best in your recovery! I hope that you all make it thru this without the disordered one..

I plan to stay NC and to continue my healing and recovery via my therapist. This forum is a wonderful place and I hope it conintues to help future victims.

Damn Jacknuts!!!

Sep 16 - 4AM
greengirl91
greengirl91's picture

Dabussard, whatever you

Dabussard, whatever you decide to do, best of luck! Just take good care of yourself, and maybe come here to tell us how amazing have you been doing! Cheers xx
Sep 16 - 1AM
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture

encylopedia r

Hi she wasnt responding to me she was responding to debussard's post this AM saying she was leaving the forum I happen to think the world of this forum for all of the help it has given me and I'll defend it I stand by what I said, no apologies period. we make our own miracles be blessed k
Sep 16 - 12AM
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Time out! Wow, Soaper Girl

Time out! Wow, Soaper Girl and Girlsinger-Has something more transpired between the two of you that I'm not aware of? GS, I have to say something and you aren't going to like it. You have actually been a bit merciless with Soaper. Uh huh....She's responding to you, reacting to your criticism of how she's chosen to handle her situation. It's HER situation. She's not advocating others take the same route she's taken with her abuser, but what she has done and what she is doing, works for HER. She's happy enough and moving along, it appears. She doesn't agree with your prescriptions for HER life. Period. Please accept that. I don't know about other readers but blanket condemnations of another poster, or trying to curry favour behind a contentious issue really gets on my nerves. It's power politics at it's worst. I've sat back and wondered when and if you were going to deliver a kill shot after she handily dismissed your criticisms over a month ago. You're out of line. Seeing as you went public instead of addressing her privately using the personal message function, I thought I'd address you in the same way.
Sep 15 - 4PM
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my.............

A reality check here...... there are lots of blog sites out there. They all serve the same purposes (ok, a few are potentially toxic and narcy, but most are not). When newbies come here, they are hurting deeply from what has been probably the most traumatic experience they've ever been through. Some stay for days, some weeks, other months, some opt to stay around and help the newbies to give back. Some are the moderators who devote their lives and give up their time to help those in recovery, no matter what stage. Co-moderating a blog, I understand those that come and those that choose to go. What I hope for all of them is a future of happiness free of the disordered one, but that's not always possible. Some go back. 85% do. With all the relapses around here lately, that figure suggests there is some truth to it, and that isn't counting all the other blogs online where a newbie comes on and then goes back. Then you have those who stick around and go through their process and heal here, then they are ready to move on with their lives, they may not check in and they might, but the point is exactly what this site is for, MOVING FORWARD. I'm not suggesting this is the situation here, and I can't say because I do NOT have the full meal deal of this particular departure, but I get the drift. Anyway, once people begin to heal, they begin to pick up activities outside of the blog. This is healthy. The disordered one TOOK our lives, to focus solely on him. This is what should be encouraged MOVING ON, including from this board if someone so chooses to do so. Good, it's like a taking care of a very sick baby bird...it's wings are broken, so we take care of it until the wings mend, and then see if it can fly again...and it usually does. That's what SHOULD happen. Sometimes, too, and this is a reality and I've seen this over and over, some like to stay and be STUCK, ruminating forever. I hate that personally, but that happens a lot too. There is no process forward. By stuck sometimes they stay in the stuck cycle of trying to figure out the disordered one, rather than focusing on themselves. That happens a lot, believe it or not. It's really weird when it does too. Do you not think of anything else other than studying about the disordered one......THREE YEARS LATER? It becomes an obsession. That is sad. Then there are those like Goldie, and Layla, and Hunter (I'm sorry I know I'm forgetting one or two more UGH), that have made solid decisions to devote their lives to helping other newbies who come here. This is a VERY VERY difficult job to do. You do not see what goes on behind the scenes. It is very tiring, very stressful work. They are human beings as well. I know, because I have worked doing it. It can be very frustrated, heartbreaking. You have to take VERY VERY GOOD care of yourself to be able to handle the stress of that. And, the hardest of all to deal with, is those that come to this board with disorders themselves. It takes time sometimes to see this. These are the folks who create drama and crisis and get the other posters, who are also in pain and trauma, along with PTSD to flock to the disordered one. That can sometimes happen immediately or it can happen over time. Those situations are potentially dangerous and need to be handled with a measure of talent, intelligence, grace and SKILL. YOU MUST be able to see it. so if you wonder what the hell a mod is saying with regards to removal of posts or in response to someone that you don't understand, let it go. Just know that there is much going on behind the scenes that you DON"T know about. It's my hope that everyone here moves on and OUT of here to enjoy a life of hope and renewal. That you can meet new people, renew your personal gifts, or start new ones, go to work, go to school and take a class....join a gym...a club, whatever puts you back out there into life again. Also some choose to volunteer in other ways OUTSIDE of this board, which is awesome too. Personally, once i'm further out in my healing process, I'd like to volunteer either for hospice, which I love, or a domestic violence shelter. It doesn't have to be HERE. I use to think that it was over doing it to say that blogs are life saving. I take that back. In some cases, that is JUST what they are. And that too, is what this board is here for, but let me deliver this analogy about saving lives. If you see someone get hit by a bus and is seriously injured and is not breathing and you know CPR, are you going to let them die? Or are you going to take the risk to provide CPR to save their lives? Of course, you're going to (hopefully) provide CPR. Does that in any way mean that this person is indebted to you for life for saving your life? Of course not. And I wouldn't WANT them to be. I would hope that they heal and get on with their lives. Well, that is what this site is intended to do. I hope there are no more questions or assumptions about that.
Sep 15 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Still...

So, too, should there always be room here for open discourse, frank opinions, and respectful disagreement. No two of us are the same and no one’s path or schedule for healing will look the same either. Each of us has a unique vantage point into the situations presented here – into our own and others – therefore none of us is working from the same set of information. We ALL must be careful not to presume too much. This forum was a source of validation and support in one of the darkest times of my life. I was able to share here what I was too ashamed or embarrassed to discuss elsewhere. I got open, honest feedback and advice. Some I took, some I didn’t, but I will always be grateful that someone took the time to listen and respond. That, I think is this forum’s greatest strength. Sometimes, we just need someone to hear us. We need to find our way out of the fog, and until we put our situation into words, we may not know we’re IN a fog, how thick it is, or what’s caused it. For me, anyway, the advice was always secondary. Being heard and understood is what made the difference. I hope this forum always remains a place where people can come to speak openly about their experiences or express their opinions without fear of recrimination or judgment. Some will disagree with advice given; some will take issue with the opinions expressed, but these conflicts are normal, especially in such an emotionally charged environment. I hope there is always a place for healthy disagreement here without slinging any arrows. We don’t all need to agree, but we do all deserve to be heard.
Sep 15 - 7PM (Reply to #15)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Hey ally

Nice to hear from you. It's been awhile. Your words show you have come so far in your healing. I'm so very happy to see that!! Me too. We made it thru that dark time. We didn't think we would. I can't believe I was who I was a year ago. "We don't all need to agree, but we do all deserve to be heard" I LOVE this! You are soo right! We are all at different stages of healing. We've all been where Bada bing is right now. That hope of wanting to believe we are the one the only one they love and they finally see that and will change for us. I pray that's true for her. Or now being the person who sees a friend with an abusing narc & listening to their heartbreak & telling them what we know from our experience and not having them listen. Very sad & frustrating. My friend continually tells me how she wishes she would have stopped me from getting involved with him. I tell her no apology necessary I wouldn't have listened. I had to find out on my own. Sometimes I think there's so much emotion on here because we were afraid to say what we felt when we were with the narc and now we're letting lose. I think that can be a good thing. If we don't judge. We are all strong caring loving people who have been thru hell. We need each other. For acceptance and guidance and a shoulder to cry on. I know with all of my heart I wouldn't be where I am without this forum. I was told things I didn't want to hear. But I was looking to people for answers. And I found them. I will be forever grateful.
Sep 15 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
needing2know
needing2know's picture

WOW!!!! REALLY?????????????

WOW!!!! REALLY?????????????
Sep 15 - 4PM
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture

Soaper

if you want a miracle go to Lourdes how dare you, This is an amazing emergency Room to those who like myself were bloody and bleeding from the N I, for one am so deeply greatful. there is so much more to do here than TAKE also Ive noticed that after people have bitched and purged and been propped by some amazing women here the truth is they dont advance,they get stuck...because they dont do the steps, not really, & they dont give back so they stay in the 'anger "phase endlessly..and it shows and will show up in the next realtionship anger is a phase to pass through not pitch a tent and camp out in besides, recovery is a lifestyle not an event we live it, commit to it..day after day and if you have trouble here with "oppressive people" you have trouble off of here..period no one can "oppress" you but you enough already with the victim mentality this site is a lifesaver,nothing less and these women on here embraced you replied to you encouraged you...took the time with you I'd say it was as close to a miracle as your ever going to see I just cant hold my tounge anymore... how ungreatful for you to post what you did it IS a miracle! to be heard, endlessly..day after day until one can function again and the fog lifts which is what they did for you here remember?.. and they did it while handling thier own sorrow,&thier own shattered lives what the hell about that isnt a miracle?
Sep 16 - 12AM (Reply to #11)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

I still need the site...

Joined last Jan or Feb and though no longer PTSD or in shock, still sad and blown away by realizing I was not cared for after 12 years and then cruelly and crazily abandoned. My psyche is only slowly accepting the truth...still can't really be a strong force or advocate for others - wind was knocked out of me and I am sort of on my knees and staggering back up...I am a natural leader type so i hope I regain my stength but I am wounded deeply... Visiting with him in June 11 months after he abandoned me was a big set back...I am listening to all of you.. I do hate it when there is friction on this site but I guess that is natural as people heal differently...I am a slow healer I guess and my support system here shrank at the same time as he left. I am not ready to be very social yet though I know its important..
Sep 15 - 4PM (Reply to #10)
Used
Used's picture

GIRLSINGER

i take my hat off to you...well done xx
Sep 15 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
Layla
Layla's picture

Amen and amen.

"anger is a phase to pass through not pitch a tent and camp out in besides, recovery is a lifestyle not an event we live it, commit to it..day after day" TRUTH. Love this so much!!!!!! All of it, what a beautiful person you are. I'm greatful too!!! : ))
Sep 15 - 2PM
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

That's impressive that you have healed so much

I'm just about 3 weeks ahead of you and I'm 7 months post break up. I've gotten so, a lot of times, I log on the site as an after thought because I'm so involved in other activities. My wounds have healed, and I hope I've helped others to heal in my time here. Sometimes, I like to see if there are any interesting topics to be read. Sometimes too, it's nice to be able to offer a word of comfort or give encouragement to newbies who are still struggling. I learn a lot too. I never knew 85% of abuse victims go back to their abuser. Not only that, they will beg and plead with the narc to allow them to come back to him even knowing he will never make them happy and continue to abuse them! I had no idea! However, there have been unfortunate incidents in the last few months that have left me wary of trusting in it too much. I don't want to say too much but I've found some individuals overly oppressive leaving me unwilling to to stay on it as much as I did in the past. While I think it's basic goals are okay, and helpful, I wouldn't consider it miracle site. It is what it is. So now several months post breakup we've both become strong again and resumed many of our former normal activities. I've enjoyed this site, but it's not the be all, end all it once was for me. I'm glad it was here when I was still hurting and trying to find answers. that is the site's gift and blessing. I hope it continues. Best of luck to you, and much happiness to all.
Sep 15 - 2PM
Layla
Layla's picture

Take a stand for your husband, family and farm!

I read the other post, I couldn't put into words what I wanted to say, but I will say this- you MUST FIGHT FOR YOUR HUSBAND, FAMILY & FARM! You are allowing the disordered one to "win"....YOU AREN'T defending what you care about the very most!!!!!! You're not even trying!!!!!! Come on, you are talking about a FARM here! I am a city girl, born and raised in Chicago, farming is hard freaking work! Hahaha! You are stronger than this!!! And YES! I agree with Goldie by God I do!!!! Accept you don't have all the answers- none of us do, beg forgiveness from your husband and work like HELL to earn his trust, and both of you work toward yours and your families future....it's so sad to me seeing a woman allowing an ASSHOLE to rule the roost.....WE HAVE DONE ENOUGH OF THAT!!!! Over! DONE!!! And change your phone number..... love~ Layla
Sep 15 - 2PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

It is sad when someone leaves because they fear the truth

You may have forgotten the time I took a few hours out of my day to listen to the horror of what your narc did to you on the phone. I have not forgotten. You may want to read the recent post put up by Spinning regarding so the sex was so intense, before you go. I will not be a party to someone saying that the narc has won and that they are losing their dream and NOT suggest to them that they snap out of it and fight to save their lives. This is not a joke to me, I take what I do seriously and after what the narc did to you, he should be in jail, not still wrecking havoc over your life and your husbands life. If my saying this to you makes you want to leave a site where you have received nothing but love and encouragement then you are just not ready to get serious about your life and put youself, your family, and your farm first. God bless, Goldie
Sep 15 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
wisdomneeded
wisdomneeded's picture

I am sorry

you are leaving this site. I do hope only the best...GOLDIE IS RIGHT THE TRUTH IS THE ONLY THING WHICH WILL SET PEOPLE FREE FROM ABUSE. My daughter had remained in denial from February to May - when the Narc called and apologized and wanted her forgiveness and to take him back. She hid all of this from me. TWO DAYS! TWO DAYS! DID I MENTION TWO DAYS LATER - HE SLEPT WITH HER FRIEND. As painful as this was, that is what was needed to break through the denial and finally SEE THE TRUTH HE IS A FULL FLEDGED NARC AT AGE 19 THE TRUTH IS SETTING HER FREE..after 7 long months she is finally on the path forward. But only after she looked reality straight in its evil eyes and said. "No More". It takes time and different situations for everyone on this forum....but Goldie wants the best for all of us. When someone has the guts to tell us the truth - that IS an act of love.
Sep 15 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

wisdom

there is no truth better than that. Problem is, lots don't want to hear the truth. Sometimes, it just hurts too much and they're not ready, but I think if one person gets the "truth" from this forum, even if they go back, it will sit and fester in their minds about the disordered. Once you know, you cannot deny it exists, even if you try.
Sep 15 - 2PM
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Good Luck

with your continued healing!!!
Sep 15 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Used
Used's picture

sunafterrain

too good !!!!!!!