I am having a hard time, so I am sharing.

I am having a hard time, so I am sharing.
I don't even expect anybody to read this all the way through.
I'm just dumping here because I need to get it out.
I'm tired of eating it. Literally EATING it.
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I am sad today because of everything that is lost.
I am sad today - even when I am with my son, having a lovely afternoon. Sad for all the complications going on in the background. So heavy - and it's hard to be present.
I know that I am the parent who CAN be present, unlike EXNH-Psychopath who can not.

He battled me tooth and nail, and to the death, for custody. He put on the super-father pose. All false. Now my poor daughter, so perceptive and sensitive, notices that he ignores her -- always on his computer -- always working. And I am sad because she will grow up thinking that it's HER -- that it's HER fault that she can not get his attention -- that it's something lacking in HER. When, in fact, it has nothing to do with her. And a normal person, a normal father, would love her. He can not love anyone.

And I am terribly sad, because I really tried to pick a good man to be my husband and a good man to father my children. I failed. I failed because I did not know the warning signs. I had no idea about psychopaths, that they can destroy lives. If I had known what to look for, I would have avoided him. I would have gotten out while I could. I would have gotten out before pregnancy. I would have gotten out sooner. I did not know.

If I had had people around me -- strong people with courage. I did not.
My friends, my good friends, they still don't get it. They are trying to get it, but they are clueless. Blissfully clueless.

I'm a very sensitive person. The cruelty that comes at me from this hateful man really makes me sick. It makes me need to hide. I need to find other ways to handle it.
Last night, crazy lying manipulative emails that I have to deal with.
I lost sleep over them.
I woke up feeling horrible-- like crazy jet lag. It's just miserable to deal with him.

I'm sad today because I've been so strong for so long. I've fought for so long. I've defended even with the rug being pulled out from underneath me. I've fought even with the extraordinary expense of it.

A close family member sabotaged my fight for custody. I still "won" -- but I won less than my children needed. Now they suffer more. And this family member contacts me. I ignore. The betrayal was devastating. The betrayal was permanent, I fear. I don't think it will ever be repaired. The betrayal continues.

I can't get these people to stop.
This is the type of thing that drive people to suicide -- this type of abuse.
Do not fear for me. No need. I am strong. And because of my wonderful children, I have no out. I have to remain to protect and preserve them, but I do feel that my life is ruined.

I feel robbed. The hopes that I had for my life- are shattered. Financially devastated. My health. My career. My family. His goal was to destroy everything. He wanted me dead. He is evil.

I will probably recover, but 10 years are lost.

I had a good life. A better than good life. I was really beautiful and healthy and strong. I was innocent of this type of abuse. I didn't think another human being could have so much power over me. I was stupid.

I was stupid about my family member who betrayed me. I did not know that Greek Tragedy could happen to me. It happened. I lived it for years.

I stayed with him because I was afraid of what he would do to me if I left.
That's no reason to stay married. Well, maybe it is.
I don't know.
Of course it isn't. But, the reality is, that when I left -- I left my children too -- in terms of custodial time. They are away from me. It's devastating for them. And I have to sacrifice so much to keep them above water.

I feel sad today because I'm tired of NOT feeling sad. I'm tired of being strong -- remaining strong and looking on the bright side. Yes- I am free. Yes- I am clear about the truth. Yes- I have a chance at having a normal relationship with a man if I choose. Yes-Yes-Yes.

Poor me. Poor poor me.

Dear Self--
I am so terribly sorry that this horrible thing happened to you
and that you have to spend your precious days fighting this awful fight.
It's so not fair.
It's so not right.
You deserve so much more.
You deserve so much better.
I hope you feel better soon.
I hope something happens so that these horrible crazy people leave you alone forever.
Life is hard enough without somebody trying to destroy you every single day.
You are a precious person and I hope that things turn out for you.
I hope that you get a nice place of your own.
I hope that the money turns out.
I hope that you get a wonderful job.
I hope that you are happy.
I hope that you are peaceful.
I hope that you can enjoy your life. Really ENJOY it.
I know you love your children.
I hope that they are okay.
They love you so much, and they need you.