I am addict

I am still using. There I said and everyone knows now. Whew! something cleansing about confessing your weakness/addiction. Im trying though to wean myself off. I want to change. I do. I just struggle...

imabloke's picture

I have to be honest.. like you... it is an addiction and a crazy mind fuck... I am NC now for about 4 months - stopped counting ages ago... NC is hard but its getting easier.... I still think about her and what's she might be doing but its getting less.. and i don't do drive bys anymore, haven't done that for months. I keep questioning myself... why should i let this person be so awful to me... and yet she's prepared to jump into bed with me, and I let her! am i a sex addict? Is it me? why did i act like a doormat? Why did i let myself be so manipulated? blah blah... So NC is only part of the recovery. Thing is i keep hearing on the site that people have gone through the curtain calls sooooooo many times.. I've had one so far. Then i learnt the truth and yes i'm struggling too.
MsVulcan500's picture

I agree, it is like an addiction. I'm really glad to hear that you are seeing things clearer now and it will just keep getting easier and easier. And for all the questions about why did I ... that's hope, my friend. Just hope that she would have changed and now she means what she is saying. Hope that this is the real her, that the N part was just a fluke. And it's so sad how we want that fake person, but we have to realize the little bit of fake we get is just not worth all the "real."
imabloke's picture

Thanx... I am a bit worried how i'm going to react when i next see her cos. i know for sure it's going to happen.. thought i saw her today in the park and my heart sank! What a shitty feeling. How sad.
MsVulcan500's picture

It sucks to think that you can't even move around your town and not be concerned about seeing her. I turned down going to an Italian festival because it was in the N's neighborhood and we had gone for the previous 3 years so I had a strong feeling he would be there. I just didn't want to risk running into him and his new fiancee, because I don't think I can handle that yet. Baby steps I guess. I hope you don't see her for a long long time!
gettinbetter's picture

I get so mad at myself. I know what he is. I know what has to be done yet I CANT DO IT! I would like to claim ignorance on the subject matter but I cant its just plain ADDICTION. So I just keep tryin...
TNR1's picture

It's ok to not be ready to let go. I have book marked this: http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com/2009/01/loving-narcissists-and-myth-of-no.html Lots of really good information on that blog.
jaycee's picture

sick of it, trust me, my hN is my heroin, im a junkie and trying so hard to ween off of it. he literally is like heroin, hes in my brain, even though i hate it, i need it, how sick is that. im so glad all of you get that, its weird even my friends who know nothing about narcs say hes worse than drugs, you need to go to rehab......lol Jaycee

Jaycee

girlfriday's picture

Sick of it, I love your honesty. And I so relate to it. I used to be at that horrible place knowing how awful he was. Telling everyone how awful he was. Couldn't even wrap my head around how awful he was...and then he'd call and invite me to do something. And I would slip into a total haze (including total amnesia), become a mindless zombie, and go to him. In that moment you do not have a choice. You have to admit the problem and begin to heal before you can exercise your option to choose. And you have admitted the problem. That is always the first step for an addict. You are NOT a charlatan because you offer your advice and aren't living NC. We really do teach best what we most need to learn. Do not shy away from offering your advice around here!
gettinbetter's picture

I just hard because Im completely aware that he is an N and that he cant change. Its just that the high is so good when he is being nice that I just havent been able to give it up.
MsVulcan500's picture

I know what you mean about the highs, but the lows are also sooooo low. The more you stay NC, the highs will go away, but the lows will not be as low. That will continue until the lows are all but gone. Just keep trying, and it will come. It will get easier as your mind really clears. I also think that the more you know about NPD, the more you will be able to read his BS and that will make you want to not have any contact with him since you know all of his words are lies. Just keep strong, you'll get there and it will be much much better.
TNR1's picture

Hi Sick of It, you are definately not alone. Around a month ago I had posted about some Ns not coming back, well, Mr. N did contact me recently. The contact did not lead to anything, but it was enough to give me another "hit". Then, when he didn't actually come by, the withdrawal symptoms started (self doubt, ruminating on what I could have done differently). I am under no illusions that I will ever be completely free of my addiction, after all, I grew up with an N father so this all feels so familiar. NC seems great, but it is incredibly hard to put into practice. In fact, the reason I can say I'm NC is because Mr. N hasn't contacted me since that last contact. I have tried to move on, I am definately not waiting on him, but I catch myself thinking of him often and missing him the way that an addict misses their drug. There really is no better way to explain it. It's an absolute craving that rocks me to my soul.
MsVulcan500's picture

TNR1, I know you really don't think so, but him not contacting you is a blessing. Mine has not been in contact with me either, so I have only had to control my urges to reach out to him. That makes it so much easier! And of course you are going to still think about him a lot, maybe dream about him, but the important thing is HE WON'T KNOW IT!
gettinbetter's picture

sometimes I feel like a fraud. Dispensing all kinds of advice that I dont practice myself but I feel telling the truth will set you free. So you all know now and I dont feel so much like a fraud. Let this be a lesson to you ladies. THEY DO COME BACK! If you take a hit your addiction will be way worse than the first time around. Take from me Im living it. So years from now when they show up in your life out of the blue with tons of kindness and professing that they always loved you. Dont fall for it. Dont you dare do it. Cause I promise your addiction WILL BE WORSE the second time around
Susan32's picture

I'm glad it hasn't happened to me. If the ex-P comes back, he'd better be prepared for the ridicule. He'd find himself fodder for a stand-up comedy routine... and believe me, I know he HATED being mocked. It was his vulnerable spot.
kiwi10's picture

thank you for your brave honesty.
gettinbetter's picture

Thanks Fierflie. Its just the truth. I know one this will end as it did once before but until then its Hell on Earth.
Jewwell's picture

I have been away from the board lately because my bigger issue the last 3 weeks or so has been "empty nest syndrome" and the N/P has moved to the back of the line for now. I am struggling to find my new place in life and a great, lengthy late night call from him a few weeks ago lifted my spirits for days. He even mentioned that I always am so happy when I am talking to him! Not true...but that night I definitely was. How do they know when we are the most vulnerable and need them the most? What is it about his voice? Like I mentioned once before, I sometimes feel hypnotized. He is doing the push/pull thing right now. He called on Wednesday and asked me to help him draft a letter. We were working on it and I start to sense his impatience. He says, "I'll call you back" and I haven't heard a word since.
Briseis's picture

This is huge to admit, huge in that it takes you FORWARD to where you want to go. Even though it feels bad or embarassing, this kind of self honesty is what will save you. We are all "addicts" when it comes to our Narcs. You don't stand alone, there. If anything, folks have a hard time admitting it and accepting it. But once you do, it casts a whole new light on the problem. It's not "out there", it's not HIM doing his Narc thing that causes your life to be awful. It's what's going on inside of YOU that is causing the problem. I've had folks come back at me and tell me I'm blaming the victim, by daring to say that victims make contributions to their victimization. It's not about BLAME. It's about accepting responsibility for how we participate in our own abuse. We never deserve it, no matter how bitchy or blatantly horrible we can be. But we DO things that leave us in the line of fire. We provoke the Narc and try to "win". We stick around in malignant hope he will suddenly transform into Prince Charming. We try to control him, we don't mind our own business and mind HIS, as if that made any difference at all. Addicts don't "use" thier "drug" because they are stupid or bad. They use it to feel better, to have some RELIEF. Then you have to wonder, what is so bad about my life that I need this "fix" to have a moment of peace? So, Sick of it . . . that's a question for you. If you were reasonably peaceful in your life before the Narc came back round . . . I'm guessing that you would have had a different response to him.
Susan32's picture

I would say that what I did with the ex-Psych professor was enabling. It would be like one of those intervention reality shows, where parents admit they had enabled their children's drug abuse. Leaving New Mexico without telling a soul... that was MY form of intervention. No longer being addicted to his presence. No longer feeding his addiction to his own ego. I had been like a mother who looks the other way when her kid is doing meth. In a sense, she feels powerless. She's in denial. But the most loving thing she can do is be AWARE and stop enabling the habit.
gettinbetter's picture

I was happy in my life before he came back. There are two issues here. The first is that I never got over him from the first time. I blamed myself that somehow I had done something wrong that I was in some way inadequate. So all these years I have carried that around. I didnt think of him daily, weekly or even monthly but occassionally he would cross my mind. The second issue is that I have been married 14 years. I love my husband but I will say when you have been married that long things do get a little run of the mill. So when this started it seemed like I was getting validation from all those years ago. That he had come back becuase he did love me and we were meant to be together plus the rush I got from the danger of it all. A junkie loves danger.