I already feel better writing this post.

I got sucked back in a little over a month ago, and wrote a post about how I broke NC. I thought the one time of seeing him would be it, but nope... I caved. It was weird this time around though, now that I know what he is. It was like an experiment, if that makes any sense. I realized I don’t care about him anymore, and I am indifferent towards him in a certain way. I realized I was attached to the sex all along, and nothing else. Clearly I have issues that I need to work on. I started this thing with narchole a year and half ago as FWB… at that point in which I truly did care about him as a friend, and would have done anything for him. I have come to realize he never valued our friendship. He never respected me, or cared about me. Nothing.
Why did I allow myself to get sucked back in this time? Because he represents every bad thing that has happened to me since my childhood up until now. He has opened up all my old, old, old wounds that I never acknowledged and never healed from. I have realized that I have been on this path since I was 6 years old. I have gone through cycles of depression, and despair throughout my whole life. Yes, there were times that I got out of it by working out, listening to music, journaling like I am doing now. But, those were temporary fixes that would only last a year or so until I let another man enter into my life and break my heart. I have been on a cycle of realtionshits up until now. This is the last straw. I can’t live like this anymore. I am more aware, which is gut wrenching. This time was a path of self-destruction. This time I realized he truly is an addiction. And I know what needs to be done.
He is finally moving out today. I have also mentioned he was my neighbor for 11 years, and we have mutual friends that I have known all my life, unfortunately… in previous posts. I went 3 months NC before this, and it was wonderful. I will get that strength back again. I know what I need to do. Although, I am sad, angry and depressed today at myself mainly… I will celebrate with tears of solace knowing he will no longer being living across the street from me anymore. He will no longer drunkenly call me to use me as an object anymore. He will no longer lie to me, degrade me or disrespect because he will be gone by the end of the day. Perhaps I am scared to the point of no appetite… you know the cycle. But only because I know this is IT. It is final. And it is time to finally heal.
Once again, I don’t know what I would do without this forum. I read it every day, and it has taught me things I never thought I would ever encounter. This forum has given me knowledge to help out other friends who have gone through similar experiences. I haven’t written a post in awhile, and I already feel better writing this. Thank you to all the wonderful people on here, and making me realize it’s good to be REAL.