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hurtandconfused's story

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#1 Oct 14 - 10PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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hurtandconfused's story

I realize that the dream that i held in my heart for my family was just that. My dream and my dream only! I had been with my soon to be ex-husband for 7 years. Looking back at everything i realize that i was always apologizing for everything. When ever "X" would get upset about something (usually me not agreeing with something that he wanted to do)and blow up and break something or punch a wall and storm out of the house and only to return like nothing happened and not ever apologizing for his bad behavior. I would get no kind of explanation other than i couldn't just leave him alone. I had to push his buttons. It was my fault for his outburst. For not following his script and challenging his superior intelligance.

I found myself apoligizing for everything. We were on our way to a a friends house for the superbowl when we ( the kids too)stopped at circuit city so he can check out the sales they were having do to them closing down and i had no proplem with that. But i had such a terrible headache that i decided to stay in the car with the kids. I figured that since we were going to be together i didn't have a reason to take my phone or purse with me. But because i wasn't feeling good i completely forgot to let him know. BIG mistake!! When he came back to the car after spending 15 minutes inside circuit city, I got chewed out!! He yelled at me in front of the kids. He said " What the F**k is the point of you having a F*#k!^g Phone whe you're not going to answer it when i F***en call you!! I felt soo small when he did that to me in front of the kids. I was humiliated! But he didn't see it that way! I was just a cry baby and cried about everything. He didn't apologize for it because it was my fault. I should know better than to leave my phone behind.

I ask myself why did i make so many excuses for him. No one ever knew that he behaved liked this. I kept his little secrets for so long. But now that we are divorcing i'm no longer keeping his dirty little secrets. I think it bothers him that people are finding out who he really is. But as always i feel like i want closure but i know i will never get it from him. Because to him, he never did anything wrong.

Nov 2 - 1AM
Kate (not verified)
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Wow Chloe... they are Similar!

I used to get ragged on for Never answering my phone! He'd leave me Voice mails saying "Why aren't you answering your Phone like in a sort of 'jingle' like song - he must have been truly seething now that I really KNOW HIM ha ha) But my Narc (although he had a filthy mouth -- he didn't show it to me much - I found out just this month -10 mo's after I left him) that he talked like that - called me every name in the BOOK to EVERYONE BUT ME!!! See, because I was a person of HIGH integrity and Not a person who cursed a lot, he held it in - As a matter of FACT I used to BRAG about the fact that "Yeah.. he's got dysfunction issues but one thing about him - he's NEVER even called me a nasty name! We've had Knock down Drag outs and I have Cursed HIM OUT but he's NEVER called me a bad name or a Curse word!" Well NOW I understand that his Ploy was to make HIMSELF A BETTER PERSON THAN I the ONLY way he could -- Piss me off SO BAD that I would completely come UNGLUED and I did -- MANY MANY times!! He would say things like "Your Violent!" "You have a serious ANGER problem" and he'd say it in front of my daughter (Who I was a Great Mom too for 16 years b4 he slivered into our Garden!) and it did influenced the way she looked at me... as a matter of fact we are Just starting to recover from the Garbage this PLUNKER threw into our paths!!! And I found myself apologizing for my anger More and More and more as time went on... and he constantly used it against me! He hacked my emails for Crying out loud and Used it against me to Try and Say THAT WAS THE RUIN of our marriage! The LAST STRAW for him! He's just a common thief and liar... A GHETTO THUG. I actually looked up the meaning of his name and it means "Terrorist" THAT'S NO BS!! All Fired Up!!!
Oct 17 - 8AM
Chloe
Chloe's picture

There is no closure with a narcissist

I spent years trying to explain myself; to be heard, NEVER!!! Because it's not about YOU, it's about HIM. First and foremost, your husband's behavior is a horrendous example to his children. I was a young child of a parent like that. My father exploded over nothing. My mother, sister and I hid under beds at families homes when my mother left him. It was very frightening for a child. To have him use that vulgar language in front of his children and treat their mother that way is enough to understand that it's time to leave. You will see things much clearer in time (hopefully with help). The closure depends on you!!! Once you get your upper hand, you will not believe your own power. I was also married to a pathological narcissist. When I left him he tried to destroy me in so many ways, including my career. I went through hell and the worst part of it all was that I had no support system, I only wish I had found this place then. My family betrayed me because he victimized himself. To this day, after 23 years of loving this man and HIS FAMILY, always there for them too, they all have discarded me like I never existed, all of them!!! And today, I truly don't care at all. I have come that far. And while I too can't have that family unit I so desperately wanted, I have learned to let go and appreciate what we do have, and I have found a wonderful man to share my life with. I have two sons who eventually saw the light on their own. They have a relationship with their father with boundaries and the three of us are bound to the hip. I share this with you because I was in despair for a very long time. I couldn't get out of bed. I had almost been beaten down. I left my state and moved to the state where my children went to college. I picked up and started a new life---I had to do it this way for me. So I share this with you and other readers to let you know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it didn't come easy, and there were a lot of bumps along the way, however, as I started to take care of myself: mentally, physically, and SPIRITUALLY, it all began to come together.
Oct 14 - 10PM
4joys (not verified)
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hurtandconfused

You are well on your way! welcome to our site! There are wonderful people here to help you and give support :)
Oct 14 - 10PM
NanC (not verified)
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The cussing...

The way he talked to you brought back alot of memories for me. My exN was F***ing this and F****** that! That was his favorite word to use. He left me a voicemail the other day and I counted 10 F**** in that one message. Gosh, I don't miss that at all! They are so exhausting to be around. When he and I the kids went on an outing, oh my gosh, I was a nervous wreck. I didn't want the kids to say or do anything wrong or we would all have to pay! Every time I think about that, all it does is piss me off and makes me glad he is someone's elses problem now.
Oct 15 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
hurtandconfused (not verified)
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I remember those outings and

I remember those outings and how nervous i was. Hoping that we wouldn't some how do something to set him off. I remember one time my son told him he was a mean person. He got so upset with my son for saying that and started yelling at him. But that's so interesting that my son being 5 is able to process his bahavior and label it in a very simple way. My son was right! He is a very mean person.
Oct 14 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The F Word

A favorite of my N too! He used it all the time and I hated it. "I want to F you so much" "we should so F each other." Who the hell did he think he was speaking to a woman that way? He loved to cuss! It was every second word. Maybe it makes a weak man feel somewhat powerful. I have swearing unless it is us venting our anger on them on this website! They have no right to use that word to their wives, girlfriends, mistresses, children, friends. Anyone. Dispresctful inhuman freaks.
Oct 14 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
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welcome hurtandconfused

Welcome... - Get yourself Lisa's book (link at right) - Please go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - Please read through our whole blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Go NO CONTACT on this loser. He's SICK. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.