Hunter is right (but, please I need support)

You don't want him. He is mentally disordered and incapable of ever having a meaningful relationship. You have stepped up to the plate and knocked him out of the park! That's a good thing! It is your strength that saved you from more harm. I think life IS fair. Sometimes the reason why certain things happen is combined in a series of events. This certainly is not the end of your journey, or his for that matter. There is much more to come. Wait and see before you decide you have been cheated.

Because we were vulnerable and they could sense what we could not. Am reading Thomas Sheridan's book now, Puzzling Pieces. He puts N's in the same category as psychopaths -- that term is broader and only a small percentage of P's are actually serial killers, etc. But he states victims "..are initially diminished by the evil psychopathic encounter. There is a loss of innocence so profound that it seems almost irreparable. This is a problem, for in order to defeat this evil, you must be able to recognize it for what it is -- you must be able to truly know it, and to know it, a part of you must die. The part of you that dies is necessary for you to move on and get out of the labrynth of the psychopath." It's our innocence that dies, that we are mourning, that we want back in the form of who we thought they were. That child like quality of hope, love and excitement - but it was just a cold, calculated game to them to milk us for emotion, attention, food. They are not human, but they know how to milk the emotion out of us like cattle. I've caught myself yearning as well this week and have had to reboot time and again with reality checks on how incredibly selfish he was, seeing his actions now like a chessboard and how I made concession after concession, thinking well.... My strength is rebuilding through the no contact. It seems silly but knowing I have the power to not acknowledge the N's existence again in any way, to invalidate an object who has no respect for other human beings who only had the best intentions for him, and who he preys off of and uses for that purpose....well, there's nothing lower in my eyes. And what has also helped me last night was coming across a blog from a woman who wrote about the wife of the Green Mile Killer. He was married to her for 20 something years, all the while murdering prostitutes. She loved him with all her heart, and he admitted that he didn't love her but found comfort with her (the nurturing he did not have from his mother) -- so THAT is the only reason he didn't kill her all those years -- she was docile and non confrontational. Can you imagine? She had no idea; no clue...except for the time she found condoms in the barn and chopped them up realizing he was cheating on her. She was disillusioned and angry and betrayed but didn't mention anything to him. She continued on. I can't even fathom the level of Cognitive Dissonance she went through knowing what I went through after a mere 7 months. The article went on to say she wrote him while he was in jail UNTIL the final conviction -- only THEN did she go No Contact. She still believed him up until that point. *shiver* I wish I could throw my arms around you to give you the biggest hug and wave a wand to erase everyone's pain, including my own. But we'll grow stronger from this, and we'll draw in happiness we've never known before, and we'll be able to give back and help others through too. It's just so impossible to see it tonight, on Christmas Eve when fairy tales and Hallmark pixie dust images surround us. We can do this...one day at a time...one moment at a time. Sending so much love and strength your way. (((Hugs)))

It's okay. I don't like or feel sorry for my ex's floozy, either. :-) We're human. I often asked God and the universe what the point was of my getting involved with the ex after being lonely and alone for so long if it wasn't going to work out and if he was going to hurt me so badly after I'd been hurt so much so often in the past. I didn't see any lesson at the time, either. Now I can see that through this experience, I've recognized my own tendencies to lose myself in relationships, and I've learned to work on myself so I don't do that anymore. I may not have ever realized my issues if this hadn't happened. A hell of a way to learn the lesson, but I'm glad I did. It's taken me over a year to get to this point, so don't feel like you have to be grateful and "over it" already. It will happen in your own time. But I promise you, it will happen.

Everybody is getting scooped up tonight and hugs are free here all night (((((hugs)))) Tonight is a crappy night for me as well. He asked me to marry him last year on christmas eve so I have a lieaversary as well. Its horrifying isnt it? You got targerted because you were the things you mention, kind, smart, pretty.You got devalued because he was an narcissist with a mental disorder who isnt capeable of cherishing you. Why you allowed it, is your own personal question for you to answer. It may be as simple as you just didnt see it, and it may be that you didnt want to see it. Either way you were still the things he initially liked about you... kind smart and pretty and you are still those things. In less than 24 hrs, this day will be over and we will have made it through.One way or another , its going to happen, and this is reality and reality sucks so terribly right now. Its so totally not fair, but its happening and one day we will be better for it... if we are willing to learn from it. So as for the why? I guess we were meant to learn something and it was obviously meant to be a good hard lesson we wouldnt forget. We were given this lesson we didnt want or deserve, but now we have to make meaning out of it. Sad sick reality Isnt it? ((((((((((more hugs)))))))))))x100 Chin up ok? One day its not going to hurt anymore.

smnp, you are looking to be rescued. this is why you were easy prey to the narc. it is that simple. you say you want to be scooped up and made better. you have to do that yourself, in order to truly move forward. we don't have the answers, nor will we ever really to the many questions regarding the fairness in life. Every one in the world can attest to life not being fair at some point or another. Last night, I was with friends for the holiday and we were reminded of our dear beautiful Laura, who lost her life to a 9 year battle with breast cancer. She left behind her, 3 beautiful children and a loving husband, Mother, brothers, friends. And do you know what? Laura NEVER complained, ever. She was an amazing woman, who taught all of us to face life with a smile (thats why I always write smile at the end of most of my posts) She smiled through the worst of worsts, and one day I asked her how she was able to do that and she responded, because life is for living, and every day that I am on this earth, I am blessed, God is giving me another day with my family. Wow! Her words hit home hard for me. It's no wonder God needed her, she is the true definition of an angel. She continues to be with us, in heart and soul. She is a true inspiration to me and those that knew her. She never questioned why, because an answer would never really be found, so why bother asking. What you need to do is find the true beauty in life, in your life and begin to relish in it. Life with your narc would have been a living hell, and you know that, you must. Be thankful that you were given a second chance at life, life without your narc, not everyone does. Those who can't escape the narc, live an absolute life of misery. Stay strong and consider yourself lucky! It's hard to now, but you will when you heal, you will see.

1year ago..Dooms day indeed.. Why? Why does cancer happen, why do earthquakes destroy..etc.. Not sure.. I guess it is to build strength.. I honestly know how you feel.. It's one of those things thats been dished out and now you get to eat shit and deal with it.. A lessonwe all never needed to learn..I will tell you Journey,used Spinning, Goldie Lisa myself ....all of us.. Did survive.. So .. Keep understanding and please stop looking..enjoy your beautiful daughter.. And fake it till you make it... Don't let the Grinch steal Christmas, Big Hugs from Cyberspace. Hunter

"IT'S NOT FAIR AND WE SHOULD BE SPENDING CHRISTMAS TOGETHER. But no, he is engaged to that South American whore (sorry, I just can't feel badly for her) and he is probably screwing God knows how many other women." It`s not your problem anymore, truly..let that "whore" get her turn. Trust me, it happens. Or any of them, regardless of class or principles.. Maybe the biggest punishment ultimately and finnaly for these kind of people, Narc/toxics/or simply evil, is that they will never have the chance to really feel what we felt. Which is Love. I know such a case of Casanova, in my family, he screwed women all his life, his friends wife`s, so on. Now he is old, full of anger and insuportable to be around. And lives with his mother. Go figure, lol :]

THIS SOUNDS TRITE, BUT LIFE AINT FAIR...... He got you b/c you are a good person, thats what god makes good and bad people, I have asked my self this many a time, that they seem to get away with it all the time, but with distance, I dont believe it so much.....no body on this earth can be having a GOOD OR GREAT TIME ALL THE TIME....I had a lightbulb moment about exn this morning, but this time instead of getting angry[I THOUGHT YOU -SAD-SOB]...he had lied to me about something so patheticlly stupid, when it kicked in this morning, i couldnt believe it....exn might be engaged to her now....IT WONT LAST!!!! and this is why it wont last, they are forever hunting better?....why?....cos they are so FRIGGEN UNHAPPY..... does a person who is happy keep looking around thinking they are missing something....NO THEY DO NOT, COS THEY ARE HAPPY AND CONTENT....so you googled him....SO WHAT IT IS DONE NOW.....DO YOU FEEL ANY BETTER FOR IT?, MY FEELING IS NO....SO BACK TO BASICS AND NC...