How To Tell What a Narcissist is Up To

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#1 Apr 24 - 8AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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How To Tell What a Narcissist is Up To

Narcissists have to use camouflage because if they were completely honest about who they are we would all be repulsed. Because they make a meal by sucking the life out of the humanity around them they must be described as predators. Like all predators, they must hide themselves; often they do so in plain sight.

A favored tactic by narcissists is to wear the clothing of their opposite. The Bible is where we get the term "wolves in sheep's clothing". (See Matt. 7:15) A wolf, a predatory animal, tries to appear to be harmless by looking like a sheep, a prey animal. You can have a very large clue as to what the narcissist is up to by how they present themselves. In what way do they try to look harmless? One of my mother's camouflages is her frequent assertion that she is the "family peacemaker". She appropriated that title to herself many years back. The reality is that she is the family pot stirrer. For decades she stirred up trouble between family members and then would jump into the situation to get people to make the peace. When they would make peace my mother was there to take the credit. She gets to hide behind the "peacemaker" moniker even though she, in truth, was the one creating the wars. Think of the book "1984" and you see how the narcissist uses descriptors to hide the truth. The Department of War becomes the "Ministry of Peace", etc.

We see variations on this theme in the news quite often. John Wayne Gacy, who would rape and murder young children, would present himself as a clown at kid's parties. Harmless. He was also a Boy Scout leader and was respected in his community as a good family man. Ted Bundy would ask for the assistance of young women by wearing a cast on his arm or using a crutch. A pedophile hides behind the vestments of priest. A daycare director turns out to be a child abuser. A non-profit religious organization leader is a megalomanical control freak who threatens and abuses her employees while presenting a mild-mannered face to the world. A family member who sneakily creates confusion while claiming to be the one who is always clearing up confusion he himself created in the first place. A narcissist who lies all the time will claim to be a paragon of virtuous honesty and may work in a profession where honesty is supposed to be integral to what they do.

What often goes hand in hand with this bait and switch is a good dose of projection. The "honest" narcissist is often found accusing others of dishonesty. The sneakily thieving narcissist is always pointing a finger at others and accusing them of being thieves. The one who is always accusing others of being greedy are them self constantly coveting what others have. The one committing adultery is quick to label their spouse a whore. Beware of the one who often talks of killing them self...they may actually be planning murder.

Assume that the narcissist is always engaged in diversionary tactics. When my husband and I go for a walk and see a killdeer start to run in one direction acting like her wing is broken we immediately move to the other direction and look for the eggs or chicks. The killdeer bird uses diversion. She tries to get the possible threat to move away from her young so she runs away from her nest. We have learned the diversionary tactic of the killdeer, so we go the opposite way she does and will usually quickly find what she is hiding. (Of course, we also quickly leave so as to not give the poor bird a heart attack.) Look in the opposite direction that the narcissist is trying to get you to go in and you will usually find out what they are up to. And if they are pointing an accusatory finger at someone it is quite likely they are accusing that person of what they themselves are up to.

You must never forget the predatory nature of a narcissist. If you keep that fact in your awareness you will be much better equipped to see in what ways they lay in wait. You have to look beyond appearances to find what is really going on. A good dose of suspicion will make it less likely you'll be made a meal of. When they point in a particular direction, start looking in the opposite one if you want to find out what their game is.

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2007/07/how-to-tell-what-narcissist...

Jul 12 - 12AM
jenn99 (not verified)
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dont wanna know

u dont want to know what they're up to--one game leads to the next, and the next...it is draining and horrific..and nothing raelly changes it or dose much...they are toxic and they stalk ...after they lie cheat drain suck....it's a never ending game...well u think youre in on the game but you're not because it just leads deeper into the maze... my N jsut breaks up ..and again but when i agreed to the break up it wasn't a break up--it was just...initiation into more crap...and u realize they are just stalkign and predatorily makign their next move...which is some shock tactic designed to torment you...along with micro things embedded in the core...I do believe my N is with other women refusing to see me, telling me to get with other men, and degrading me during it all, and telling me im going to be his sub no matter what, if i vetn or get upset then he claims he's done with me and i need to 'do what he says or it's the highway' then once u agree to going to the 'highway' he really doesn't mean that and it's jsut a game...because they just open more pathways to more craziness
Jul 15 - 1AM (Reply to #17)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi Jenn - do they really

Hi Jenn - do they really stalk (I am so new to this) and in what way? Like cyber stalking to find out info about you? I read about the push and pull game they play...it hurts!
Jul 15 - 1AM (Reply to #18)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sometimes

Sometimes they do... sometimes they don't (of course they will tell others YOU are stalking THEM!) Keep your eyes open and institute NO CONTACT with them ASAP. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 11 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
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Marie - NMom

I too am past the pain but not the rage. RAGE that she programmed me to be an N/P magnet; that she stole my childhood; raped my mind and basically ground any self-esteem I deserved into the dirt. No, that will never go away - the rage. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 11 - 11PM
Marie
Marie's picture

My mom

Barbara, Another thing we have in common is an N mom. My mom's famous quote always had something to do with "a mother's love". She sure had a funny way of showing that! I remember one argument I had with her, she said I had no heart that I was cold. No, I just stopped letting her see me cry. I'm just the opposite I have a very soft heart but having been taken advantage of over and over again, especially by family (because I once believed family was family and you helped out) got sick of being effed over. I suffered years of mental abuse from both parents, I was never good enough at anything. Once I got old enough and out in the real world, working and traveling I discovered a whole new me and how great life could be without them. So up and left my nutty family. When I called around holidays my parents would often hang up on me so I stopped calling. All because I got out from under their evil grasp. They've never once told me they were proud of me, that they loved me, they should never have had children. Miserable, unhappy, twisted people; sorry to speak ill of the dead but it's the truth. They believed they were better than everyone and they weren't. I run my own succesful design business, bought my house on my own have done pretty much everything on my own without ever asking their help, though at times I could really have used help. The way they treated me you'd think I was a druggie hooker on the street. Whatever, I've long since got over all that pain.
Jul 11 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

they stalk

I know for a fact Psycho-Boy checks up on me. I am fairly sure he's been here. Yet supposedly I am the stalker.... RIGHT. LOL ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 11 - 11PM
Marie
Marie's picture

I always wonder

Sad and scary to say I always wonder what he's up to. As much as he insists or pretends he doesn't care I know he's probably on here googling my name, checking Facebook... he's a messed up creep with nothing better to do. Anytime I've gotten stuck talking to him even if briefly I listen very carefully to what he says, it always tells me a lot. If he complains about some woman that keeps texting I know I'm safe because it's new prey he's complaining about. Over time I discovered the real truth in things he would say. If he used the term "I would never..." I knew he most definitely would. His I'm so glad to still have you in my life turned into him making a new screen name that I'm not privy to though others are, shutting off his cell or changing the number, obviously avoiding me; does this sound like someone wanting me to be in their life? He's just a lying sack of crap.
Jul 7 - 5PM
Bittersweet
Bittersweet's picture

So...About Honesty

If he always questioned my honesty...does that mean he was being dishonest? If he always questioned my past does that mean he has more to hide in his??
Jul 7 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Honesty

Yes! and Yes! MOST PROBABLY. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jul 7 - 4PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

wondering what the Narc is up to?

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims/ Updated Daily: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Apr 24 - 8AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

How Evil Hides From Itself

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2007/06/how-evil-hides-from-itself.html
Apr 24 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

'the dark voice'

When mine said "I'm trying not to listen to my dark voice", I dismissed it as he was having a drama queen moment, feeling sorry for himself (he said this a few times, mainly used the line when he was doubting ME about something). Now, I find that statement pretty frightening.
Apr 27 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

?

If the N in your life, tells you he could never be 100% faithful to you, because he cant, but wants you to be in his life forever, anyway possible.... is that suppose to be the truth? or code for something. Now that I have been pushed to leave or feel as though I cant do this anymore. Im scared, because everyone says that textbook's N's, try to get you back, how do you stay strong? Will he try to come back?
Apr 27 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Well I guess

Well I guess it may be good...although hard to look at it this way now...that he kind of gave you an obvious wake up call by saying that. I don't think it's a code, he's coming out and telling you not to expect a faithful partner. He still wants you, like mine still wants me, because we are their A#1 supplier. I know it's scary, but it's just a day-by-day thing. For me, I feel stronger as time passes, and see more clearly what he was doing to me. I've been having so many eppiphanies, there are a lot of behaviors I just put out of my mind until recently. Luckily, I'm mostly repelled by it all, which overshadows the pull to care about him. He's attempted, almost daily communication...and it's the same crap. When it comes to what I might really be going through, he never "goes there". It's all about how he made A mistake...(LOL), and how he knows we could work. As in, let's NOT address any actual issues, let's just say I'm sorry and I love you( cuz I'm hoping you'll fall for the candy-coated BS like you have before) and it'll all work out. Uh-huh. This same crap just reinforces my resolve.
Apr 24 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Soul Slayer

http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/10/soul-slayer-psychological-evil.html
Apr 24 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
better off
better off's picture

yikes! That's scary. I

yikes! That's scary. I remember watching a biography of Ozzie Osbourne...and this was when he was on lots of drugs...but he came home one night and was looking at his wife with this weird look in his eyes and said "we don't think you should be here anymore." WE? She called the cops. I won't bother going into any more about that "family" lol, but I still remember her telling that story.
Nov 17 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

How To Tell What a Narcissist is Up To

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
Dec 29 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

The N "Diversionary Tactics"

OMG YES this is a perfect way to describe the N and what they do to you constantly,, Diversionary Tactics. When they try to get you to focus on something else, other than what you should be focusing on. They will use it with their finger "look over there" technique while he dismantles you psychologocially. The way they stand by pictures, the way they talk about others in a sexual way when you should be concentrating on work (doing it to tick you off obviously) so you can't concentrate, can't do your job, he wins game. So horrible yet so glad to understand all the crap they try to pull over!!