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How to set firm boundatries with friends

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#1 Oct 21 - 11AM
jen79
jen79's picture

How to set firm boundatries with friends

And I mean with those friends, who want to give you advice, but who cannot understand what you have been through anyway.

I am having a weekend before me with two very nice friends, but none of them really gets it, and how could they. They never went through a similar situation.

And I dont want to bounce them off, I really like them, I just dont want to hear any advices like, you just need to move on, do this do that.

I dont want to hear those things. Not from them.

How do I set firm boundaries here?

Oct 21 - 1PM
jen79
jen79's picture

Thanks all for your advices

I have to add just one thing, maybe my anger goes deeper than I want to admit. They both are fans of him, they were before I became friends with them. One of them comes here to not only visit me but to meet with other friends who are fans of him as well. It makes me angry, that they are still fans, I dont want them to be fans any more. I know this is non of my buisness anymore, and I cant control them anyway, and they are sensitive enough to know they should not bring up the topic. But it is enough for me to be triggeres when they say: Oh I like him or this one, cause he is so evil (actors). That is enough for me to be triggered. They do not even need to talk about him directly, it is enough for me to be angry, if they say they like a puplic person, cause he is a bad boy, or because he is so interesting, or this is one is boring cause he is too nice. Such discussions are enough for me to be angry, cause then I think you two stupid women have no idea what you are saying here. And it makes me freak out. Last time I was so exhausted after this, I had to cry 2 days non stop. So its hard to say on one side to tell them I am ok and I moved on, and on the other hand telling them I dont want them to talk about their favorite subject such as novels (even in an intellectual way) and tv bad guys. I feel so freaky now. And I am afraid to set boundaries. They were there when I needed them. They are good girls, they just dont get it.
Oct 21 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

To some extent, we can't set

To some extent, we can't set boundaries against other people triggering us. We could have the best "meaning" in our hearts, and trigger someone and they are very hurt. Then we try to avoid saying or doing such a thing again because we care about them. But when our triggering is SO incredibly sensitive, as you describe yours, I don't know how you can set the kind of boundary you need . . . except to not be around them at all for a while. Until you are more healed, you know? Maybe you are afraid to set a boundary because you know it would be asking too much of them? It's asking too much of YOU to sit there and suffer while they casually discuss various actors, too. It's kind of like being between a rock and a hard place, I know :( Even our GOOD relationships suffer after a Narc. But it's temporary, it won't last forever. You are raw, even the slightest touch burns like fire. This will not last. If you had a big burn on your arm, you'd cover it up and protect it. Your heart has a big burn on it :( . Cover it up, protect it. In your shoes, I'd be thinking "Oh God, I can't even have a fun time with the girls now thanks to HIM!!!!!" This is only temporary. Very temporary!! In another month of NC, you will definitely feel stronger. You will get to the point someday that you will roll your eyes about this exN of yours. SERIOUSLY. You will be able to joke about him. You will feel that powerful :) But it takes time. Right now, be honest with yourself about what you can handle. Your burn will heal, but only if you protect it and not let it get re-burned :)
Oct 21 - 12PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Refuse to talk about your

Refuse to talk about your exNarc. Tell them you are "over it" (ha ha) and and refuse to discuss the matter any further. That is a boundary :) You send them mixed messages if you vent or talk about him, and then tell them NOT to give you unwanted advice.
Oct 21 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Not dredging it up

I've stayed on contact with college friends from a decade ago... but since they helped me through the D&D, I don't bring it up now. It's a boundary I've made for myself. When one of my friends in Colorado briefly referred to him, we agreed to call him He Who Must Not Be Named--the term for Voldemort... Another friend of mine on the East Coast said not too long ago that she misses the days when I'd wax poetic about my crushes/infatuations. I decided to NOT even touch that one. I wanted to say "Well, you know those were bad days and the guy in question was a jerk..." But I held my tongue. I'll talk about how I am NOW. They KNEW how I was then. They were there for me. For that I am grateful. But I have to second you--when your real friends were there for you at the time, there's no need to bring up the ex-N with them.
Oct 21 - 12PM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

It might help

To send them a message before the weekend telling them what topics are off limits. If they're good friends they'll understand. Maybe if you approach it that you just want to have a good time with them and that a break from any discussion of your ex will be healthy for you. That way you don't focus on him, and they don't focus on him or what you should/shouldn't do. I think it may also help to acknowledge that they may not understand all that you've been through, and that from the outside looking in you know that it is hard to understand. It's helped me to say that to some of my friends. That way the parameters are set before you even get together. If they step over a boundary you can just remind them and switch topics. I'm glad you're getting together with friends :)
Oct 21 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

I absolutely agree with

I absolutely agree with wholeagain. The boundaries must be set and giving the prior notice will avoid any awkwardness that will arise if you wait for them to bring up the conversation. Especially if something is said that evokes anger in you. I will only add one thing to this and that is remember that you are asking them to avoid any conversation about your past relationship involving the Narc. You in turn must set your boundaries within yourself to not bring up this topic or discuss your feelings relating to this with them as well. As you stated yourself, they do not understand about who and what he is. You are right, and they will not understand your recovery process either. It is best to keep the focus on your friendship and not your personal life with your xN. I am sure you can bring this to their attention in a kind and gentle manner without affecting your relationship with them. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Oct 21 - 12PM
jen79
jen79's picture

and how to not be angry with them

Why am I angry with people, who cannot get it. You know I am an empath, and they can tell me A and I still feel that they think B. So even if they say, you poor, and I understand, and balabaa, I still feel, you are so crazy, you just take it too hard, just move on. Why am I angry with people who do not have the same experience as I do? I am angry for their lack of experience, for their naivity, for their arrogance in this naivity. And there is a lot of arrogance in it, even when hitten. I am angry, cause no one understands me, and I am sick of getting a covert blame from them.... Isnt that weird, I am angry with friends, who are there for me, I am never that angry with the N.
Oct 21 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

I've experienced this too

Which is why I learned to cut the conversations short and bring it here or to my therapist, or one of the couple friends who do get it. It truly is one of those situations that's just about impossible to grasp. Hell, it's hard to grasp for those of us who lived in it! The problem they have is the same one we've had: they assume that Narcs are the same as we are, because they can do such a good job convincing us that they're "normal". We put tremendous work into figuring this stuff out and they can't be expected to do the same. Also, even if you use the term narcissist most folks just think "big deal, he's self-involved and has a big ego, so what?" They have no idea. They have no idea! So most of the time I just cut conversations really early, because I know like you I'll get frustrated and angry where it isn't really deserved. And my guess is you'll get really angry with the N at some point. You just may not be there yet.
Oct 21 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
jen79
jen79's picture

sometimes I wished

he would have beaten me once. Isnt that sick, I wish he was physically abusive, at least then I had a proof, and no one would doubt me again. I am angry on people, who dont have any life experience and want to give advices. Oh come on, little rich girl from good house, just keep your advices for you. Well I will cut this conversation early, I dont think they will talk about him direclty anyway, but about how I am doing. And I dont want to talk about that either, I just want some fun, maybe I will tell them that. And I dont want to talk about books and television all the time too. I just dont, cause thats what they do, talking about that all the time, this triggers so much in me too, and I dont want to talk about fiction drama, I have enough drama in my life.
Oct 21 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

I wish he would have beaten me?

Jen, mine DID beat me and my friends still don't GET IT!!!!! I've been angry with them because they still think I should have moved on. I wish with all my heart that I'd found this site BEFORE he beat me. I knew in my heart our relationship was wrong even though he never cheated. His tantrums, projection, downright 'weirdness', my walking on eggshells, trying to keep him sweet and be the one that would make him a better man was all in vain. Armed with the knowledge I have now may have made a difference I'm really not sure BUT don't ever think that him assaulting you would have made your friends see this differently. Yes, they may have felt more sorry for you but they still wouldn't GET IT unfortunately :( I agree with all the advise given though, tell them not to discuss it, the hardest part for me is ME not discussing it. I had a life before him but that seems to have escaped me and all my thoughts are centred around HIM and what he has done and the huge empty void he has left in my life. Every time I go out with my friends now I try my utmost to avoid the subject and focus on their news and to try and have the best time I can under the circumstances. The few times I have been out recently have been a struggle. I'm hoping the more I make myself do it, the easier it will get.