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How must he treat his wife....

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#1 Oct 28 - 1AM
Hopeful36
Hopeful36's picture

How must he treat his wife....

Something I still wonder a lot about....he's married- is there a chance he's a different person with his wife? His FB has mostly pics of him and his wife. When we first started talking he would send me pics of them. I finally told him to stop because it was strange. The last 6 weeks of her pregnancy she was in the hospital. He wanted to book me a flight to go stay with him but I couldn't cuz I was going on vacation....I would have gone....crazy!

I guess I just wonder how he is with her....

Oct 28 - 7PM
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Boy, living in Narcworld, we

Boy, living in Narcworld, we really forget what constitutes decent and honorable behavior. "Is he good to his wife?" Well, I'd say the fact that he cheats on her and doesn't uphold his vows kinda suggests that the answer is a big, fat "No!" Think back -- once upon a time, before we had our minds totally twisted by our narcs, such men would have equaled total scumbags in our minds. They still are, by the way. They're still scumbags.
Oct 28 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
Hopeful36
Hopeful36's picture

I cheated on my husband with

I cheated on my husband with him. So I too am a cheat and a liar too. I hate it. But working on my relationship with my husband. I have had other men hit on me or ask me out throughout my 10 year marriage but never even considered cheating. Then the narc came around and just something happened. Never promised me anything and pretty up-front with his intentions of never leaving his wife. But still so hooked! But I am so thankful that we are not married or even live near eachother. I can't imagine what it must be like for some of you. I am also thankful for the support on this site especially since I'm an OW. I have it so much easier. Thanks to you all and keep fighting for your health and happiness.
Oct 28 - 4PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Considering he's fucking

Considering he's fucking around on his pregnant wife...I'd say. Odds are. Pretty bad.
Oct 28 - 4PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

The Grass will always seem greener with someone else....

Hey Hopeful....the fact is...the Narc gets the best of everyone he is involved with...but no one gets the "best" of the Narc. There is no "best" to be had. He is simply using her as he is using you..for supply. Regardless of the pictures he is posting and whatever it looks like on the outside, he is treating her poorly. What kind of man cheats on his pregnant wife? Seriously. She may be in denial. He may be hiding it...for now. Narcs aren't very good a keeping all the aspects of their life compartmentalized (although they truly think they are). Sooner or later she is going to start to wonder and get suspicious about things that just don't add up. I would highly suggest that if you are "friends" on FB that you remove him. There is nothing to gain by seeing the pictures he posts. He is always going to try to make it out like things in his life are hunky dory and if he knows you are scanning his FB profile and looking at his pictures and that it impacts you...the better for him. Remember that Narcs feed off our reactions (our supply) both positive and negative. Again...Narcs are all about themselves...they don't really consider anyone else's feelings or desires and as such, they make poor partners. So no one wins or gets the best of a Narc.
Oct 28 - 9AM
Layla
Layla's picture

Just ask us "wives"!

They treat us like GARBAGE, just like they do you!!! "love, honor and cherish"...that's what my abuser PROMISED! Hahahaha! Not a chance! Looking back, I'm surprised he didn't combust in a big flame just walking in the church! Happy Friday, everyone! love~ Layla
Oct 28 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
freaked
freaked's picture

wow Layla so perfectly

wow Layla so perfectly described!!! the wedding ceremony was a Farce i guess..we were the sacrificial lambs..that's all we were.. thank God we are still alive.
Oct 28 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Mirror Mirror on the wall...

Mirror Mirror on the wall... He's treats her no different.. His personality may adjust to her but the abuse is no better or worse. Hunter
Oct 28 - 1AM
freaked
freaked's picture

Marriage with PD is always unholy & unhappy

Well, as long as the wife is unaware of his nefarious ways things appear fairly hunky dory. Unfortunately, this doesnt last. a wife always ends up finding out the truth. and then predictably the wife resorts to fights, recrimination, pleading, compromising...and then doubting, weeping, and generally living a f'd up married life... mostly because the babies have been born and she has no other means of child support. In my extensive research on patterns of behavior among narcs/psychopaths i am noticing a repeating common thread: the n/p always charms the daylights off you..and yes..the 'bond' happens within the first hour of meeting. They are quite sure of themselves. and almost always their story is some gf or wife left them..oh they are always 'Poor Me'. We cannot blame ourself for being sucked into their life..we hardly stood a chance of escape. IF you saw a Bar of Shining Gold on the road... would you not instinctively pick it up???? Quite possible that the said Bar of Gold could contain radioactive waste in a hollowed inside..and for years and years and years you wouldn't even KNOW why you are wasting away like Marie Curie did. Ok, now once the wife discovers his OW, she fights for survival of her marriage and in the process she ruins her own self further. Some women are wiser than others, and they QUIT the marriage...with just a shirt on their back. They work hard and support the kids. The others ( i am in this category)..just struggle within a disastrous horrific marriage in order to be able to provide some succor for the growing kids... Difficult to be Judgemental here..because every person has a unique set of parameters and difficulties to deal with. There is never a happy life for anyone who marries a PD.
Oct 28 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
indenial
indenial's picture

freaked

Are you still married and with your narc ? I think my ex n has returned to his wife that he left more than 2 years ago and this is creating a lot of cog dis in my head. I keep thinking in terms of normal people and thinking he must have really loved her and I wasn't good enough and that they are just back together happily as if nothing happened and trying to make a go of it. I don't know this but its in my head. The rational part of my brain thinks it can't be this way and he's just using her again as he's lost my supply. I struggle to comprehend how she can't have come to the same conclusion I have about him because that's what I suspected from the way she has been since finding out that hed been seeing me since they separated because she was kept in the dark for so long. But I suspect he's lied convincingly and I know she probably doesn't know the half of what I do about his double life. I am trying not to obsess about this but its not easy. I believe from what I've read and what I've experienced with him that even if he comes back full of promises and with the mask firmly back on it doesn't last and within weeks in my experience you end up even more confused and hurt than before. But if she's gone back into a state of denial then I guess anything is possible. I should know because I've been there myself now time and time again
Oct 28 - 5AM (Reply to #3)
freaked
freaked's picture

Indenial, yes, i am still the maniac's wife in public view

but, i don't sleep with him anymore. i have to fight my ego, struggle and beg him for the money required for housekeep. Today, I am forced to KNOW that for 20+ years i have shared him with ow, as well as local and international sex workers .. and maybe even a man or two. I don't have the financial means to get myself tested for std.. all i can do is pray and hope i am safe. it is nearly a year since i excused myself. it is sordid. a pd's wife can never be happy or secure. most often she has to live on with the pd simply because she is not able to earn her upkeep. then, maybe some of them believe in social status of being somebody's wife. I DON'T. I am still in the marriage purely for financial reason. had i known about pd within the first year of my marriage, i would have left without a backward glance. unfortunately too many things happened in the first 5 years of marriage. i was literally incapacitated mentally. imho, your narc may have gone back to his ex-wife so that he can deny her alimony and get the opportunity to completely harass her until SHE runs away without asking for a dime. who knows.. don't for a moment think that a pd can 'love' his wife. He Doesn't. she is a scapegoat for his wickedness. if you were his gf, then, i sincerely hope to convey to you that you are a lucky woman if he has left sooner than later. Cog Dis is inevitable and understandable. but, do not ever imagine that a wife can ever be happy with a pd. it is impossible. a wife does not get even one-millionth of the attention/money/gifts/holidays which a gf receives( i am generalizing based on my personal experience..each case is different) answering your question, yes, I am still in the marriage. he has told the latest ow that i will be got rid off by the year-end..but he has not told me anything yet. maybe it is drastically cheaper for him to keep me in the marriage as he gets a slave..and then he goes in for bigamy? who knows. at this point in my life.. i cannot afford self-esteem or pride. i will continue to earn my food and lodge with unquestioning slavery...until the day he hands me a settlement and tells me to leave. now, do you seriously think that your narc's wife is luckier than you? i think NOT.
Oct 28 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
indenial
indenial's picture

im so sorry

That you have to stay in this marriage. Yes I do know that I am one of the lucky ones who saw through it before I had chains that would have made it impossible to escape. Its just difficult at times to comprehend. My gut tells me that this woman deserves nothing but sympathy. Who knows maybe that's how she felt when she found out about me ? She certainly didn't act like I would imagine any normal wife would react but then knowing what I now know about narcs I know now that you don't react how you normally would under these circumstances. I learnt not to in order to survive. I suppose on the exterior it may all seem rosy but I have to say to myself I spent over 2 years being supply for this man. I know the reality of what goes on behind closed doors and it isn't pretty. No matter how much I tried to deny it and get up everyday and try and pretend deep inside I was miserable insecure and full of doubt. I was just waiting for the crumbs he offered me and lapping them up. It just frustrates me to think he gets away with it ! His lies his deceit. He seems to get away with it all. I used to feel like I didn't have a choice. If he turned on the charm and he wanted me I just went with it knowing deep down it wasn't real and wouldn't last. It was only when I finally couldn't take anymore and went complete nc that I see that I did have a choice. And to be honest he seems to have left me alone and gone running back to mind f**k her some more so actually its easier than I thought it would be. I pray that one day you will be able to be free of him and begin to live again x
Oct 28 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
freaked
freaked's picture

God Bless you

God Bless you indenial. thanks for your good wishes. Hope you can just forget about your narc and put it away as a bad dream. I have already done so even though i am still in the facade marriage.