How many here have children with an ex-N? How do you keep NC?

My ex husband (a narc) abandoned us about five years ago. He is in arrears for about 40,000 in child support. I have full custody of the children...he has no parenting time, since he abandoned them and has a criminal past...theft, drugs, counterfeit check ring, parole violations, some domestic violence with me. The only reason he has ever taken a slight interest in the kids is to keep tabs on me, and to possibly get me back. He has never sent a card or present, and neither has his family. At first it hurt more than you know. Now I know it's a major blessing! He has twins with another women...he married her about two years after he left us and the divorce wasn't final. They have had their children put in protective custody for domestic violence and neglect. On a couple of occasions when the Narc was back in our state cause he was extradited back here to serve jail time, he would write me. He wrote me, wanting to pick up where we left off! Ha ha! He said he wanted to have a relationship with our boys. Um, well he couldn't even meet the minimum requirements I expected from him to prove himself as far as having contact with our children. He was mad about it, and not to mention, way to selfish to change. He will never change, and now I realize that because of that fact, it is best that he is not in our children's lives. I no longer try to seek him or his family out to have a relationship with people that want nothing to do with them. They don't need that.

When I was married to the N and our daughter was born, he was there for the events---christening, birthdays, father's day. But he rarely came home otherwise. I felt like I was a singlw working mom for years. He filed for divorce 18 months ago....Finalized 15 months ago. I fought Primary custody and tried to minimize his custody days as much as I could. I ONLY communicate with him through e-mail...and ONLY on matters regarding custody issues. And think of him as a nanny who happens to share half of the DNA of your child. Reach out to me if you'd like... Get a good lawyer....

in the court system -- the real battle started when I was pregnant. My daugher is now 3.5 years old and the vendetta he has against me has been unrelenting. I have gone through several iterations of trying to fix this problem having made several mistakes early. okay -- first bit of advice 1) Agnesmurphy is right -- make that contract AIRTIGHT. No loopholes. Go to a website called the Conflict Institute or something like that -- it is founded by an attorney who is also a therapist -- he understands high conflict personalities well, BPD, and NPD -- he basically said there is no such thing as co-parenting -- just parallel parenting and you can only get to parallel parenting with a very very prescriptive contract. DO NOT LET A LAWYER CONVINCE YOU OTHERWISE -- TO NOT THING YOU ARE DOING ANYONE FAVORS AND THAT BY SETTLING ON ISSUES IT WILL GET BETTER ! IT WILL NOT -- IT WILL GET WORSE. STAND YOUR GROUND. 2) the sooner you can ground yourself in the belief that it not you and it is him ! you can not and will not change him. He WILL use your child to hurt you. You are going to have to get a coat of armor. You need to be the woman that your child will look up to one day -- so get out of your own way -- self help books, I just recently went on amazon and found a few books on self love and also about successful single parenting -- get those kinds of books -- understand narcissism, but make this journey about yourself ... I spent 3 years trying to understand him and protect myself and my child. I wasted that time -- getting better is the best thing you can do. Learn to love yourself as best you can. 3) DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT !!!! I keep spreadsheets for everything now -- it helps -- stay in email, avoid phone calls and meeting conversations -- he will twist it. You need the emails for documentation 4) Don't trust the legal system to understand this -- they will not. A father that fains interest is all they will see and then they will wonder what your problem is. The legal system is not just and you have to accept that now. I am trying to think of all the things I wish I did differently, but this is a good start for you. My blessing, thoughts and prayers are with you -- GET SUPPORT. Managing an infant by yourself and a narcissist ... will be challenging.

Move away quickly! Get as far away as possible. Get out before he might be able to use the law to try ot keepo you in the atate. N will use, manipulate & destroy the child. And N makes YOU suffer for the child support payments. N will want to be involved with the child aka control you under disguise of interest in the child. They will lie to the child, twist, & manipulate the child. Try to destroy your relationship with the child. It's endless what a N can do to a child for his own gratification. Don't think they have affection for the child. They extract from the child as well. If there is a 'parental agreement' -- no loopholes, no fuzziness for an N to exploit. Do a lot of research on these agreements. The internet is a good source. All the pitfalls & loopholes for an N to exploit. Learn now by reading about disasters before learning by your own experience. Everything must be in stone. Get a SHARK of a lawyer who knows about these agreements & narcissists.