How long will your Narc go before he contacts you?

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#1 Jun 16 - 11AM

sarah787

How long will your Narc go before he contacts you?

A lot of you have mentioned that your Narc eventually hunts you down when their supply runs out to get into contact with you. My ex doesn't do that...he hasn't initiated contact in 4 months. I only have. But I haven't talked to him in 35 days. I am almost nervous that he will contact me eventually, and I won't be strong enough to ignore him. Has anyone experienced a narc who has been out of contact for months, and then suddenly hunts them down?

#2 Jun 19 - 6PM

Monica

Eleven weeks....

...to be exact. I thought he was finally done with me. Then BAM. 11 weeks. To the day. I didn't believe everyone here who said that they can come back months or even years after the end of the "relationship." I thought I was safe. I thought he had moved on. I had been the one to end the "relationship." Do not assume anything. For those of you whose N/P's never contact you again...I am extremely jealous. You are so lucky. If you don't realize that now...but, one day, you will.

#3 Jun 19 - 10AM

AnotherPath

He tried the "missing you"

He tried the "missing you" thing, and emails of "thinking of you", "love you all believe it or not" for a year on and off. NOTHING from me. Then he turned nasty for another 18 months mixed in with hoovering. NOTHING from me. Now in the last month (2.5 years on) nothing......... only sees the kids, no texts anymore. Got the message sick head at last.

Ending the dance

#4 Jun 19 - 10AM

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

How long before they come back????

Never I hope....laugh. I have been with two N's in my life and hopefully thanks to the awareness this site has given me I will never allow myself to go through it again. Have been split up with first N for 8 years but he liked to keep in contact and keep me around as a 'friend' when it suits and until now I was always to frightened of him not to oblige him as he is known for hitting women and knocked seven bells out of me when we were in a relationship. I have stopped all that now and in NC all the way. Oh he is showing off just as Sandra Browns article 'When you don't Respond' said he would by banging the phone down on me when I wouldn't be as obliging as usual and sending me a hurt indignant letter projecting everything on to me but I just don't care. My last relationship was with an N and we split up 6 months ago and I have not heard a thing for five months but because I'd been through it before and I had this site to refer to exposed him without a blink of an eye and as much as he broke my heart at the time am very glad he has gone now. If they think they can get something out of you or you will be of some use or swallow their crap they will contact you....but it will always be on their terms..... Hopefully they have gone for good...

#5 Jun 19 - 8PM (Reply to #29)

rainbow1

CarolKittyGale or anyone else

Where did you find this article by Sandra Brown? I have tried googling it and I can not find it. I really want to read it.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#6 Jun 19 - 9PM (Reply to #30)

Steph

rainbow1

STARVE THE VAMPIRE by Sandra Brown, MA Pathological persons are energy and emotional vampires. They live off of your emotional content. Part of their personality deficit is the lack of a stable and consistent inner core of a self concept so they need constant attention, distraction, and identity management from which they draw their identity. Lots of their identity is acquired from their relationships since internally there is so little core self to draw from. This is part of the reason they are so exhausting. In order to get their emotional 'blood supply' from you, they 'hook you' into conversations or arguements or any kind of response they can get from you. They live vicariously thru your own emotional expressions of love, frustration, confusion, etc. It doesn't always matter 'what' emotion is fed to the vampire (although narcissists like adoration) but just that there is SOME content is enough for them--even your tears, or your screams, or your insults. It doesn't matter...they just 'need' something, anything from you in the way of content. If they dont' get the blood supply/emotional content from you, they will seek elsewhere. (Remember Dracula? He just moved from town to town taking it where he could get it?) When you begin to break up (read my How to Break Up With a Dangerous Man E-book) he will fear the loss of emotional supply. He won't fear losing you so much as he will getting his identity and his sense of self from you and/or the relationship. He fears the loss of self or 'who am I without her?' This is a very fragmented ego state --one which only exists thru relationships with others. So when you try to break up, he will continue to contact you which is why they are hard to break up with (read my book). They are predictable in their approaches to get you to respond to them (you are feeding the vampire his emotional blood supply every time you talk to him). These are some of his approaches and if you can get a bag of popcorn and just watch it like it was a LifeTime for Women movie and detach from it, you will see a whole movie pan out like this: * One contact he's angry, blaming, shaming When you don't respond to that verbally or emotionally (think like you are lobotomized with no facial expression...that's what I want women to do with these men) * Then one contact will be sweet, loving, buy you things When you don't respond * He will promise to do what you've asked for years..go to counseling, church, take meds, be nice, go to anger managment When you don't respond * He will get angry again--say you aren't working on the relat which is why it's gonna fail When you don't respond * He will quit calling for a while to make it look like he's moved on (They are boomerangs, they ALWAYS come back a few times.) When you dont' respond * He will indicate he found someone else or had sex with someone else When you don't respond (Are you enjoying the popcorn and movie about now??) * He becomes 'sick' -- he doesn't know what this mysterious illness is, or he has prostate cancer, MS, some other lethal disease When you don't respond * He will just go back to drinking/drugging/dealing/driving too fast/etc. When you don't respond * He will kill himself, leave the area, never see you again When you don't respond * He will take the kids, drag your a*ss thru court, threaten to physically harm you When you don't respond * He will tell you he's dating someone you hate or his previous girlfriend/wife When you don't respond * It will come full circle and will begin again, at the top of this list. When I do phone counseling, it's all the same stories. I know that women think that their experiences are unique. But pathology is all the same--these people aren't very creative and don't deviate much from the strict internal structure that is associated with pathology. They ONLY react in certain ways so for me, it's pretty easy to predict. Once you are able to understand this, you can predict his sad/silly/stupid reactions to a break up. Since they live off of your emotion and NEED it, the sooner you starve him out by having no contact and if you have to because of your kids, no words exchanged and no emotional content on your face, the vampire will flee to the next available source to be fed. When women don't disconnect once they understand the feeding and maintanence of pathologicals, they are doing it becuase SHE wants to remain. The ball is then in your court to figure out where you are still hung up so you can disconnect. This is not a judgment about women not being able to leave. It is a POINTER to a place where the dis-engagment has hit a snag. Simply notice where the snag IS so that something can be done. As soon as you are ready to really make the break, buy the Break Up book and then starve THE VAMPIRE. I'm going to have frig magnets made with that on there so women remember daily to not feed the vampire who is lurking near by.

#7 Jun 18 - 11AM

Kemars1

Well, like many have

Well, like many have mentioned before, I think a lot of it stems....... (drum roll) Ready for this??? haha... .............Back to HIM, of course - if HE deems it worthy of his time/attention, he will come back.... If there's something in it for HIM, he will come back... But if the wolf in sheep's clothing is now found out, than there's a slim chance of him returning... Which is what happened, in my case... Narcissists cannot face themselves for what they are - honestly, I think with each time their character or motives are called into question for whatever reason, they get more slick and streamlined in their "act."

#8 Jun 18 - 11AM (Reply to #27)

rainbow1

Cassia

I agree with you that if they are found out then they stay away, but I really dont think that this lasts forever either. Most of you are speaking from maybe a year total of nc. I have read about N's contacting someone after 27 years like in Barbara's case. I really think that they will be back whether you figured them out or not. I think that they are waiting for you to forgive them or forget what they did to you. I also think that even if you know what they are they might still try to come back if nothing else is in front of them. They might just try to get a negative reaction instead. I think that if you leave the door open to hear from them then you will eventually.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#9 Jun 17 - 11PM

MsVulcan500

Heard from mine twice.

We split up in September, he emailed the day before Thanksgiving and again about mid January. I never responded to either email, and I haven't heard from him since. He's a big coward, so I really doubt he'll call me; that could end up being too confrontational. I've blocked him from texting and I really don't think he'll call unless I respond to an email and he gets the idea that it's somewhat safe. And he can email all he wants, I won't fall for his crap anymore. I am guessing if I hear from him at all, it will be after the holidays, early next year. That will be about 16 months for him and the NW, and his pattern with me was every 16 months. Crazy, huh. I didn't realize that until I made a timeline. They are all oh so predictable. And to you newbies, it does get better as time goes on. When you are away from all of his crap, you start to only remember the bad things. If you asked me now what I miss about him I couldn't come up with one thing. That makes you stronger to resist him if and when he does turn up again, because you will only remember the bad and that the good part was all fake just to draw you in.

#10 Jun 17 - 9PM

enoughalready

contact time

My XN is predictable. He'll txt one to two times a week every 2-3 weeks. Most of the time I don't know what he txts cause I have his number blocked. At times when I think he has gone forever, I'll unblock all numbers and low and behold he"ll txt " hi" or " are you happy" or "i'll just assume you're happy and I'll never forget you"- yet somehow he STILL txts a few days later. I told him last time I spoke to him the only time I'm happy is when I do not hear from him. So- I'm sure he's "poking the bear" -so to speak to get some type of reaction from me. Yet, I have been NC with him and not responded since mid-January. When he's desperate to see me, he finds a way by checking out the gyms, coffee houses and places he knows I shop for groceries. He only txts on Tues-Wed-Thursdays but never on weekends as I'm sure he gets a lot of supply from the bars. As time goes by, I get stronger and when I think about him - it's of all the lies and deceptions and games he played on me to make me feel as if I were crazy. That's enough to make me NC forever. I'm so numb to all of his #hit. Be strong sarah787- they are so not worth anything!!!

#11 Jun 17 - 2AM

bubbles

Re-contact - D & D

Excerpts from "Bubbles Story" ( Please read if you can find it ) The D & D, The No contact... ( I knew this guy for 9yrs! ) 3 weeks later ( 8th July 2008 ) I recieved an email saying that our relationship was too confusing for him, he had told M he was in love with me but it would be better that we did not contact each other and would I please forgive him for not being the man he thought he was. Right on! The pain, the hiding in shadows when I went out even for shopping should I bump into him or her for nearly a year..but still checking my phone,looking at my emails... nothing! Nearly a year on ( June 2009 ) in my local paper, staring back at me was their 'new' place up for sale.. and it hurt so bad. What was going on now? But I had moved on, got my head together and grateful my children didn't know about the 'friendship' we had shared ( weird to think I never told anyone about us, he never actually told me not to tell but it somehow felt that way.) So I assumed they had sorted themselves out, I had heard nothing nor did I contact him. WHAM!!! 1 year to the day of his last email.. Hello Bubbles how are you? The email wasn't signed and the address was a joke - noughtbutrice.. I didn't get it ( although he's a veggie I thought it too close to Naughtybutnice and that wasn't his style ( so I thought ) Mind games anyone??? I replied with 'who is this' and received the oddest freaky reply > 1.If I was someone you didn't know and I didn't know you, how would you feel? 2.If I was someone you knew but only a little, how would you feel? 3. If I was someone you knew WELL how would you feel? Signed >> thankyou for your patients this far X Well.. This threw me of course, in a way I felt it MAYBE him,the 1st email 1 year to the day of last correspondence, but I thought maybe also a friend having a joke? So I replied to email> 1. How could I feel anything! 2.Why hide behind the screen, if you want to know me better? 3.If you are someone I know, wtf you playing at eh by asking me how I am? 3 Long weeks of waiting and a reply came > If you REALLY knew me you would know who I am. Thank you for your time. You have given me some hope in the human race but sadly not enough! After this email is sent this email address will be shut down. Signed X Alrighty tighty.. Now I knew! But why? and only 1 thing to do about it.. contact his mother-in-law and let her pass on the info to his ( I knew they were back together again ) wife. A whole year of agony, thinking it was me going nuts.. nearly healed to end up back at square 1! I told her to pass the message on that he was trying to contact me again and she said he had been acting odd of late.. ( odd? ) poor woman! Soooo... all done, that should keep him away, yeah? September 2009 another email, could we meet up and talk.. so much he wanted to say. We met up.. 1st time a hug and walked miles, he so intrested in my girls health and education etc.. we talked pretty much about everything apart from what we wanted to say I guess. He was cool and I was a bag of nerves. 2nd time we met.. HIS arrangement by email (I have not asked for his new phone number) we talked and walked but nothing amounted to much only he said they were seperated once more as he lied and said he hadn't tried to contact me with those freaky questions. Guilt got the better of him and he confessed and his supposed soon to be ex wife threw him out. Oh dear! Back to his parents driveway in the motorhome ( his home he called it ) and rare visits to the house as mother-in-law can't stand the sight of him and its not fair on the ... wife? ( Groundhog day... ) Our 3rd and final meet up Friday 13th Nov 2009 he said he would like to take me to see me. We found a hotel ( I paid again Â£150 for the night.. no offer from him )and I had the most awful experience of my life. While he took a shower.. I sat on the bed thinking about his wife.. were they really seperated? was it all bollocks? coming out of my thoughts I could hear him humming and it took me a time to work out the song... get this >> The Rolling Stones.. This could be the last time! ( putting words to his humming ) Well I told you once and I told you twice But ya never listen to my advice You don't try very hard to please me With what you know it should be easy Well this could be the last time This could be the last time Maybe the last time I don't know. Oh no. Oh no Well, I'm sorry girl but I can't stay Feelin' like I do today It's too much pain and too much sorrow Guess I'll feel the same tomorrow Well this could be the last time This could be the last time Maybe the last time I don't know. Oh no. Oh no Well I told you once and I told you twice That someone will have to pay the price But here's a chance to change your mind 'Cuz I'll be gone a long, long time Well this could be the last time This could be the last time Maybe the last time I don't know. Oh no. Oh no Well, this could be the last time I asked why he was humming that tune and he replied 'it'd been in his head all day'.. ouch!! I had my shower and he was asleep so I slept ( like a drug induced sleep, disorientated on the sofa) to be woken about 4am with him telling me he was going travelling for 6 months possibly to Morrocco this time and yes, again with his wife but he was certain that at the end of the trip it would be the end for them. I asked when he was going and he said ferry tickets booked for the 26th November.. my birthday (25th)in less than 2 weeks! I roared.. I mean absolutely ROARED of laughter and he looked at me like I was a mad woman.. hell dang right I looked like one, I even felt like one! I just said that's cool.. I had seriously had enough, he didn't want to have sex which now I am happy about and we left the hotel early without breakfast. A week or so later an email headed.. Is it your Birthday today? Happy birthday Bubbles.. XXX ( 25th Nov 2009 ) HE WENT TRAVELLING AND HAS BEEN BACK SINCE THE BEGINNING OF APRIL... WILL HE CONTACT ME AGAIN??? SURELY NOT!! LOL Bubbles xx 7 months 4 days NC

#12 Jun 16 - 10PM

smileyfacepr

Its been

1 whole yr we have had NC, the last time we spoke he promised hed call the next day and that he would not just disappear and he has never called again and I have not seen him since, I always find myself wishing he would call because what has destroyed me the most is hes acting like I never exsisted. Do any of u think he will ever contact me again? We lived together for 7 yrs..and then I wonder what do I want him to call me for? I just hate not knowing anything about whats going on w/him but he obviously doesnt care if Im dead or alive!!

smileyfacepr

#13 Jun 17 - 1AM (Reply to #19)

Steph

smileyfacepr

"...and then I wonder what do I want him to call me for?" you probably want to know that he cared, that you existed, that you were an important part of his life. We all want that. Unfortunately, that will NEVER happen with these guys. Even if he calls, it would just be out of boredom, or shortage of supply. That hurts, I know...but the truth is if they ever cared for us....none of us would be in therapy and on support forums. We never existed when we were with them really, and we don't exist to them now. If you're wondering what he's doing now with his life....he's doing the exact same thing he was doing with you, just with someone else, and then with someone else etc. I know this sounds corny, but we DO NOT need these a-holes to validate our existance. We need to validate our own existance.

#14 Jun 17 - 1PM (Reply to #22)

smileyfacepr

staying strong 78 and scoop

Yes ur right we did not exsist when we were w/them and we do not exsist now...I told him that a couple of times..that I felt like I did not exsist and as usual silent treatment like saying "think what u want!!" And I also know I was an improtant part of his life wheather he sees it or not, I was all he had for 7 yrs and I saved his life literally many times! I dont know y its so important to be validated by them when we know they r such huge assholes?? I can not wait to get rid of him totally!!! Thanks for the support girls!! lots of love..and ur right hes prob. doing the same thing, watching tv, sleeping and eating!!! Borrrringggg!!!

smileyfacepr

#15 Jun 17 - 3AM (Reply to #20)

Scoop

smileyface

Its so true that we ment nothing to them but its so hard to take , he was everything to me and he acted like i was everything to him but thats the key word "acted" the whole worlds a stage to them . Yesterday i had an empowering phone call with my good girlfriend who shares a house with my narc ... she has got his number and is moving away from him next month. She was saying "scoop DONT YOU GO BACK WITH HIM he is a piece of crap and he treated you like dirt etc" she then went deadly quite and in a wisper she said "narc is listerning at the door " .... oh it was so funny as she was in mid "tough love speach" (you guys know the type ).. i laughted my head off .. he needs to hear what an arse he is . ..... but one thing she did say in the speach was "scoop dont think he is sitting around being all sad , he isnt , dont you feel sorry for him " .... sigh .. i know he isnt sitting around being all sad and if he is just even a tiny little bit he would never show it to her ,me or anyone ... ever ... emotions are weakness to him ..... its all about control and power Scoop x

#16 Jun 17 - 10PM (Reply to #21)

smileyfacepr

But

after 1 yr I should be thinking go to hell buddy...but I keep thinking whats up w/him..maybe he is to much of a coward and doesnt want to think about what I can say??? Its so easy to look up his daughters FB but I refuse, I havent in mnths cause it just keeps me so stuck..so here we go a shitty night!!

smileyfacepr

#17 Jun 16 - 10PM (Reply to #18)

Janet

Who knows. For me, Dec.

Who knows. For me, Dec. 16th he tells me he is sleeping with someone else. I (unaware at this point) of Ns and Ps, wait for him to realize that I was the ONE. Feb 16th we are to meet for a coffee for him to return a bit of electronic equipment I left at our house. I got home, the equipment was on my stoop, and and email saying, "coffee another time?" the last I heard from him... Who knows. Peace. J

Peace. J

#18 Jun 16 - 3PM

rainbow1

weve never been no contact...

Me and my xn have gone through the d&d process twice now. Both times we were never really NC. We might go a few days without talking but that was it. However both times he was horrible to me. He wouldnt answer sometimes, wouldnt give me closure, said we would never be again, told lies about me, etc. But after the first d&d it took two weeks for him to be nice and ask me to come back to him. This time it has been a month and a half and today he asked me to come over, to come spend time with him, to come stay for awhile, etc. I am trying to be strong! I just think that it is so funny how predictable they are! he tried going back to his ex but she has a new boyfriend that she really likes so now he is back to me. RIDICULOUS!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#19 Jun 16 - 7PM (Reply to #16)

almostlydia

that's how they do it

that's how they do it so you are in for the long haul just like the rest of us who have been there done that. Sad thing is the results are all the same. You have the benefit of knowing which i understand takes time to accept. You can be his 'back up' or you can go NO CONTACT and let him know that you know what he is and that you want no part of it anymore. It is difficult to accept that he will NEVER change. There is nothing you can do to CHANGE him, not now, not ever. Your are the MOUSE in his cat and mouse game. That's all. You can have a minute of 'nice' in exchange for a months of trauma. I'm glad you're in counseling because I'm sure I don't understand how difficult it must be to have grown up with this. But you deserve better. You don't have to give up everything for a man. That is not love. Be strong and be selfish for now. It's ok. And enjoy saying NO MORE! The first big step is accepting the fact that he is a psychopath.

almostlydia

#20 Jun 16 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

ewa

Rainbow

Rainbow please stay strong for us and for yourself! I am only 10 days of complete NC, after i answered my N's sms and wrote him not to drag me back to hell. My N is never asking me to come over. He just writes how he misses the time we had together to remind me about the nice moments and thinks it will make me to suggest a meeting. Now i can just pray for another 10 days of NC. Anyway I hope you will not agree for this meeting!

#21 Jun 16 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

rainbow1

ewa-

I know that you will all feel disappointed in me but I feel disappointed in myself. I felt like I had to go to get my room mates stuff and money back for them. He would not give it to anyone but me. I really am trying not to involve the cops even though he broke in and stole stuff and I know hes been there other times. I FEEL him lurking everywhere. My room mate has a feeling that once I ACTUALLY go nc that he will become stalkerish. I hope that this isnt the case. I feel so ashamed.......

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#22 Jun 16 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

AnotherPath

ok so you went, it's done.

ok so you went, it's done. Just don't go again. It's not your job to get your mates money, why isn't she going? If he stalks you call the police. NO CONTACT

Ending the dance

#23 Jun 16 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

rainbow1

she isnt going because he

she isnt going because he refused to do anything with anyone but me. He is just playing games.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#24 Jun 16 - 5PM (Reply to #11)

Steph

I don't think anyone is

I don't think anyone is disappointed with you:) Everyone here understands how difficult this is. You have NOTHING to feel ashamed for. You are a good person and you believe that other people have good intentions as well. These guys don't have good intentions for anyone other than themselves. Everything, EVERYTHING they do is for THEMSELVES. Sometimes it takes awhile for that reality to really sink in. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just go no contact again starting right now. Can your roomate deal with him herself re: her money? Change you phone number if you can too.

#25 Jun 16 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

rainbow1

staying strong78

He only wants to deal with me on things of course! And changing my number wont help. He will get it no matter what unless I give it to literally no one. He knows EVERYONE I know. Im only ashamed because I KNOW EVERYTHING that I need to know. I have no more questions. I have no more wondering. I have read read read. When I was driving there I felt like I was going to throw up because I knew what I was doing was wrong and would hurt me!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#26 Jun 16 - 7PM (Reply to #13)

Lisa E. Scott

Rainbow

Do not be ashamed. We all understand and have been there. Just hold your head up high and refuse to interact with him going forward. Re-establish No Contact immediately! Hugs, Lisa

#27 Jun 16 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

Janet

No need for shame. NC. I

No need for shame. NC. I kept the same dance going for a few months after I moved out. What happened was worst D&D ever. He had kept me dangling until he had his new supply completely lined up. Then WHAM, it was over and I mean OVER for him. I was devastated, I found out about N's and P's 2 months later. I had no idea really that he was what he was and could do what he did. You know. Use your wisdom now. Do not let him get the final say - you say it by saying no with NO CONTACT. Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself - he is hard enough. Peace. J

Peace. J

#28 Jun 16 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

rainbow1

Thanks Janet!

Thanks for the encouragement! I know that I should feel better and good right now. I have been waiting for the day he showed interest in me and I had no interest in him. This day as actually come. I have no desire to go back and hang out with him. But, I dont feel better at all. I feel worse. This just goes to show that there really is NO WINNING with these guys.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#29 Jun 16 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

Janet

Stay NC - he is

Stay NC - he is uninteresting, not worth your time and each contact sets you back. Even if he has pretended to be sweet at times remember that he is just pretending. If he is funny or witty at times, remember there are a lot of funny, witty NICE guys out there. Peace. J

Peace. J

#30 Jun 16 - 2PM

Scoop

Let me see 1st d&d 2 weeks

Let me see 1st d&d 2 weeks and we where back together in 5 2nd d&d 2 days and we where back together in 2 weeks 3rd d&d 2 weeks and we where back together in 3 months 4th d&d i contacted him and we had a "friend" stage but we still slept in the same bed every night . 5th d&d 3 days back together in 3 weeks 6th d&d 4 days , then he tryed a diffrent route and got friends to contact me inviting me to events that he was at .... I went no contact .

#31 Jun 16 - 1PM

AnotherPath

You never know where they're

You never know where they're lurking or when they may surface. When I l left my exN he tried getting hold of an ex girlfriend that he hadn't spoken to for 16 years, he'd punched her in the face too and thought she'd reply to his facebook message of " Hi, I've got over my stubborness" She ignored him. Yes, it's all about him!!!!

Ending the dance

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