How Language is Used to Abuse

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#1 Feb 27 - 12AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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How Language is Used to Abuse

A LOOK AT LANGUAGE: LEARN TO LISTEN

If you are still in an Abusive relationship you probably have millions of things running through your head right now. Hopefully, you've left him and you're gaining back your clarity of mind.

Learning how an Abuser uses language to attack and dismantle your self worth can protect you from dating an Abuser again. An Abuser uses language early in the relationship to create or worsen your self esteem issues. His tactics get more devious as time goes on. If you're still seeing one of these guys, get out now. The longer you wait, the harder it is to repair yourself.

Some sites give advice on how to respond to abusive language. I do not. I believe all abusive language should be avoided by leaving the situation. In my mind, there is no reason to argue with an abuser, because there's really no way to win other than to say, "This is not acceptable. If you do it again, I am leaving." When he does it again and he will, leave and stay gone.

An Abuser Uses Language to:
* Create self doubt.
* Create dependency on him and his perception.
* Coerce you into questioning reality. ("crazy making")
* Attempt to make you feel small.
* Convince you your friends are untrustworthy.
* To bring you to tears.
* Ultimately turn your back on your world entirely.

Hallmarks of Abusive Language:
* Outright Language such as name-calling, put-downs or verbal assaults.
(yelling, "Slut!" or "You're a selfish whore! or "She's ugly and fat!" or "She's/ You're a bunny boiler/ stalker/ fixated/ obsesssed/ crazy/ stupid... etc.")

* Throwing your past at you.
("Remember when you f*cked up?" or "I can't believe you used to..." or "You should feel lucky I'd even date someone who...")

* Using others as validation for the Abuse.
("You're the dirt on his shoe." or "Your late grandfather would sure hate to see the liar you turned out to be." or "None of your friends care about you" or "even your friends told me what you were really like.")

* Using imagined others to validate the abuse by using "we", "they" and "everybody."
("Everybody thinks you're pathetic." or "We don't think this conversation is important.")

* Lies that directly challenge what you know to be true.
("You don't care about me." or "You're selfish." or "I was not at the bar last night." or "I never did/ said that" or "that never happened" or "Of course I love you, care about you.")

* Lies about you to friends/family.
("I told my grandmother you cheated on me." or "I told my mother you said..." or "I told everyone you...")

* Usually hints, never asks for information, avoids answering questions. Forces information from you.
("I'm supposed to answer that when you're just a lousy..." or "I know what you did last night. My friends keep tabs on you.")

* Constantly tries to threaten you into doing degrading things to "prove" your worth.
(Says he'll leave if you don't swear on a Bible or take a lie detector test. Or if you don't do X Y or Z sexually he'll have to go elsewhere to be satisfied.)

* Constantly threatens to leave, hurt you or someone you care about or your pets.
("You wait until I find him. He'll never speak to you again." or "Open your mouth again. I dare you." or "If you cry. I'm leaving.")

Once an Abuser has demoralized you, there is nothing you can do to restore your relationship to the false glory it was in the beginning.

Using language, the Abuser tears you apart slowly, until you are so hurt and shattered you don't know which way is up or down.

Seek help and you'll discover your soul, mind and heart have been ravaged by a force stronger than even the toughest of women; the monster rotting the Abuser from the inside out. It is not your job to heal him. It is your job to heal yourself, especially if you have children who need a whole mother.

I say this often, it is never the victim's fault she was Abused, but now that your eyes are open and you realize you are being abused, it is your choice to stay or leave.

For your sake I hope you leave and never, ever look back.

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/02/look-at-language-learn-to-lis...

Feb 27 - 8AM
peacewarrior
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de·mor·al·ize 

de·mor·al·ize   /dɪˈmɔrəˌlaɪz, -ˈmɒr-/ Show Spelled[dih-mawr-uh-lahyz, -mor-] Show IPA –verb (used with object),-ized, -iz·ing. 1.to deprive (a person or persons) of spirit, courage, discipline, etc.; destroy the morale of: The continuous barrage demoralized the infantry. 2.to throw (a person) into disorder or confusion; bewilder: We were so demoralized by that one wrong turn that we were lost for hours. 3.to corrupt or undermine the morals of.
Feb 27 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
agnesmurphy17
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Abusive Language

Patricia Evans has useful books on verbal abuse. I saw a reference to her work quite by chance on the internet & read the article because I had never heard of "verbal abuse." When I read the article, I was stunned. This is what was going on in my relationship . . . this is why I felt so uncomfortable & hurt by the exchanges. I ran out and bought her books the next day & read them in secret. I thought once I knew what was going on, I could articulate to my husband how I felt what he said was degrading & demeaning & hurtful. I never used the word "abuse" because that would have enraged him. But, I thought that he was a reasonable man & that he didn't intend to hurt me. Well, that maybe this was just a destructive & neurotic pattern of behavior he learned as a child. But, I thought he didn't want to hurt me. I always had this idea that if a person does not understand what I am saying, I have not explained sufficently or clearly. So, I tried to tell him . . . it hurts me when you call me stupid & crazy. That's clear enough. He says, they are only words, you are too sensitive. My ex-wife used to call me names all the time . . . she said it was no big deal. Well, I say, it is for me. He says, well, it is no big deal & you are too sensitive. Also, my husband had this theory that things said in anger do not count. How convenient for him since he was angry most of the time & said & did horrible things. No accountabilty for him. So much for communication & trying to change the situation to have a harmonious & fulfilling relationship with a helpmeet who is in my corner. Also, his ex-girlfried told him that spitting on another human being was no big deal, so I should no tbe upset that he spit on me. How's that for devaluing & demeaning my feelings? My feelings are second to the ex-girlfriend's & the ex-wife's--I live by their rules, & his rules, not my own or what I feel comfortable with. Obviously, communication with me & my feelings were not the issue . . . it was all about him & what he felt he was entitled to say & do. In the end, I realized, what Evans & others say, that "communication" is the opposite of what a verbal abuser wants. They know what they are doing & intend to inflict pain. It's all about power & control. Once the abuse starts, there is no way to stop it. Already, the abuser sees you as an object of no worth that he can crush & play with for his own empowerment. There is no going back to the non-abuse honeymoon time of the relationship. Terminating the relationship is the only means to end the verbal abuse. Had I not stumbled across this article on the internet about Patricia Evans & verbal abuse, I wonder if I would still be there trying to improve our communication? My abuser always said that he & I could not communicate. Even after I left, he said, we have communication problems . . . we have adjustment problems. This can be fixed. Come back. You are making a mistake. How's that for pathology. Even names the problem, but leaves out the 'abusive' part. This is how they operate. They are abusive, but then shift the blame to be a 50-50 shared "communication" problem which can be rectified. If one used "normal" psychology with an abuser, one is hooked for decades going around, and around, and around in verbiage with no content.
Feb 27 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
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demoralization........

a common tactic of war.........and that's what it is....we're at war...against our will......drafted........ My blog
Feb 27 - 8AM
peacewarrior
peacewarrior's picture

I found the book Wolves in

I found the book Wolves in Sheeps clothing very helpful. Words used for hypercritical flaw finding then when you correct a flaw told to you the abuser ignores that and finds some other wrong or failure on your part. This verbal game is to manipulate and control you to jump through hoops and no matter how high a victim rises the abuser raises the bar displeased with the victims performance.
Feb 27 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
bitterdestiny
bitterdestiny's picture

Oh my that's where I am at

Oh my that's where I am at and have been I guess. I like to call it the if you do this syndrome. I'm so mentally exhausted and drained after years of it. I tell people what you see now is what he has created all he has to say is I don't like something and he never sees it again. My mom bought me a very expensive purse for graduating he looked at me and said I hate that purse, I came home and back in its dust cover it went how pathetic is that :/
Feb 27 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
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bitterdestiny

time to take that purse out and start using it! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 27 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
bitterdestiny
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I actually decided to give

I actually decided to give myself a whole new look went from short blonde hair to super long dark hair bought a new purse and new clothes. I felt like it was my rebelling stage well I felt great then saw him and he said how amazing I looked. You would of thought I was a kid who got his new toy taken away lol