How I survived...

He came on strong. I was 20, never had been in a serious relationship, I was star struck. What did this incredibly attractive, confident, man see in me? Within 3 months I was his girlfriend and we were “soulmates,” I honestly thought I was going to marry him, I was finally “saved.” All my teenage years watching my friends fall in love paid off, I had found the man of my dreams, or so I thought.

There were red flags the first 6 months, when we hung out it was always on his agenda, I caught him texting a girl he met at a party, but overall I still believed he loved me, I loved him to death, I would have taken a bullet for him. He had no problems expressing his love, buying me presents, moving out to PA to be with me during college, introducing me as his girlfriend, his abuse was so covert at first, perhaps that’s what made it so very toxic. For example, he’d encourage me to hang out with my friends, but talk so much shit about every single one of them.

Sex became the prime focus of our relationship, in the end it always came back to sex. He made me try things I was not comfortable with, put me in tears, and didn’t seem very sympathetic. He was always talking about people’s looks, girls, guys, although he complimented me, I always questioned what he really thought, since he was so critical of other people.

Then there were the break ups. Never in my life have I begged another human so much. If I questioned his honesty, he would break up with me. We literally broke up 50 + times within the 2 years we were together. Sometimes lasting 1 hour, others lasting 1 week. He had this way of always making me feel like I was wrong. I found a condom in his car after being on birth control for 4 months, so I got upset, he got mad at me for getting upset, broke up with me, I ended up at his door begging him to forgive ME.

My life became highs and lows, that’s it, no in-betweens. I was so stressed out from the breakups, feeling like I was walking on eggshells, I started getting chest pains. As if things couldn’t get any worse, my 20 year old cousin was killed in a tragic way. I had to beg him to change his schedule around to be with me for the month I waited until they found her body.

He blamed me for being too dramatic, too unstable, crazy, abnormal, when it was time for her wake and funeral he told me he could only attend one because he was apartment hunting. When I voiced how upset that made me, he yelled that he had a life, travels for work, and he can’t put that on hold for “this.” Then he said he couldn’t do this anymore, and he broke up with me. I thought he would be back, I begged, he wouldn’t budge. “This time it’s really over,” he said. I was heartbroken. I lost a family member, my boyfriend, started a new high stress job, I was broken.

My doctor prescribed me a benzo, klonopin ( it’s like xanax) at the time I had no idea that soon would become my biggest battle, getting off such a high potency drug. The next 8 months consisted of the hovering. We wouldn’t talk for a month, then he would beg for me back, we’d sleep together, try to get back together for 1 week, not talk, block him on fb, not answer calls, sleep together, the cycle continued all the while taking klonopin and drinking on the weekends.

I woke up one day in March and had enough. I couldn’t even remember my last year, it was all a blur. I felt like I lost hold on everything. I tried for 2 more months to make it work with the narc, and then I had my final AHA moment. We had an amazing weekend together, and when we were talking on the phone I was begging him to really be with me this time, and he told me he just couldn’t, something in his gut was telling him it wasn’t the right time.

That was it for me. I immediately changed my number and realized I cannot let my life be controlled by him anymore, if he cared, if this was healthy, I’d feel healthy, and I didn't. I haven’t talked to him since May 4th. He e-mailed me once, a sad face, that was it, I did not respond.

Life isn’t great. It is very hard tapering off of the benzo ( so please be careful) it literally is one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to do, I’m in constant withdrawal (.5mg=10mg of valium). BUT my views on life have shifted. I KNOW that I am over my narc in that no part of me wants him to ever come back in my life. I was on the forum over a year ago, I was always told to go NC, but I didn’t know what that meant. It works, it does, the only way to break the cycle is to go NC. I am going to see a boy I'm dating tonight, it's only date number 5, but so far so good!!!!!

I am here for anyone that needs help. If I can do this, you can too!

Journey's picture

Wow Sarah, good for you for taking your life back!! What an ordeal it has been and I understand the difficulty of breaking an addiction. My Dr at one time wanted to prescribe an anti depressant to me and my gut said no, don't do it! I am so glad that I at least listened to THAT warning from within... You sound like you are well on your way now to a much, much better and happier place and I am so glad to hear it! (hugs!)

Journey on...

indenial's picture

Just starting NC. I find it so hard. I go back when he starts hoovering but each time the D&D is worse. I can't let him do it again
spinning's picture

I remember you! I am so glad to read this post!!! You sound like a new, changed woman! I am so proud of you. I, too, have made quite a bit of progress since you were last posting here. It is SOOOOO GOOD! I know what you mean about a 'lost year.' Now that I'm 9 months NC I cannot believe the difference, the clarity, the joy, the gratitude that he is no longer in my life. I remember your struggle with the prescribed meds and am so happy to see you are conquering it! Sarah, this is outstanding. I hope everyone reads it, especially those in the early stages of NC. It is truly AMAZING what happens when we go NC completely. Great things happen! Life gets really interesting and good! Thank you for stopping back in to share. I hope you will continue. This has made my day, Sarah sweetheart. You have come so far I am in awe! Keep it up. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE MYSELF!!!

spinning