how I see my xN today

It took me a while to realize this. It took me a few weeks of NC. It took me several times breaking NC. But the only way that I can see my xN right now is as the personalization of pure evil. For me, he stands for everything that's bad in this world. They are just no words to describe how much I loathe people nowadays.
I even don't give him a name anymore. When I think about him, I just call him "Narc" in my head. Even though English isn't my mother tongue and "Narc" isn't a word in Dutch. I cannot see even a little glimpse of humanity in him. Yes, I see that he tried to act like a human is suppose to, but that was just superficial.
I understand more clearly now why I was attracted to him. I've been in a few situations where I felt really helpless. I wanted to resolve that conflict by having a relation where I felt the same kind of helplessness, but overcoming it in the end. By turning him to good. By making him love me. I won't go into detail, but will only share the one question that mattered to me. What was I trying to do by staying in this hellish relation? What are my biggest fears? What has kept me so long from being happy?
The sex I used to label as mind blowing and fantastic was dysfunctional, without any respect, a way to relive the conflict. And of course it had an element of relief. Of course you think this struggle between you and the Narc has a climax and even a happy ending. For those of you who were in a very sexual relation, I think he has used it to keep you more or less happy. As if he was saying "yeah, I hold your troath or I pull your hair a little too hard, but after sex, you're safe in my arms".
These man are evil. They're pathetic. They just won't change. Ever. Maybe they are conscious of what they are doing, maybe not. Maybe it's not their fault they're screwed up, maybe not, but that is no longer my problem. And we can't change them for one bit, even if we try. It will only destroy is. The longer we are exposed to these kind of "people", the more we get sucked dry. They will take everything that valuable out of us. They're are or have been using us, in a way we cannot imagine. We are not programmed to think in that way, I for one cannot think about using another human being for my own ends. They are dangerous.
I feel very empathic towards all the other women he will meet in his life. I feel sorry for his daughter and the mother of his child. I feel sorry for his last girlfriend, whose mails I've read (ok, I snooped, I admit); he has played dirty tricks on her. Cheated her with more than 10 women, including me. I truly feel for all you guys here, who had the misfortune of being with a N.
I just hope that everyone who is having a though time eventually will get the N out of her life. Maybe you should consider to start taking stray dogs out for a walk, or visiting orphans or distant relatives. They will be more grateful and are able to give love in return.

Hugs,
Anne