How to handle *them* Badmouthing you to people you know ?

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#1 Jun 24 - 1PM
Thunderbolt
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How to handle *them* Badmouthing you to people you know ?

My situation is that I'm living with my ex NPD but will be moving out before the end of Summer.
I am working very hard but this economy is horrible and I've had a lot of work fall through last minute.
He KNOWS this.
He himself is an employed attorney. Albeit a lawyer who sits around reading political news and going on Facebook most of the day !
I know that while I'm sitting here trying to overcome my PTSD returning and the perpetual exhaustion from taking the brunt of his N snark, he is having a good ole time.

Anyway I have just learned of a conversation N had with his Mother. His Mother didn't know I was living here (N didnt want her to know)
Finally she found out when he called her and asked her for money this week.
He seemed to have used me being a financial drain as the reason why.
Which is total BS. Im living like a little pathetic church mouse in his house. I dont even have a drawer to put my clothes in ! Theyre all on the floor or heaped on an old dresser of his.

Anyway he recounted word for word their conversation. (N doesn't lie about stuff he says, or what others say)

He told her I am floating along and he doesn't know what work Im doing and he is my only visible means of support right now.

His Mother asked him if he will marry me because she wants grandkids finally.
He told her no, but he feels sorry for me and that's why he hasn't throw me out.
She then told him I need to grow up, stand on my own move on and that he needs therapy to break it off with me totally.

What she told him really hurts because I thought she cared about me and also respected me.

Im so disgusted by what he said about me.
I've practically gone nuts trying to make money and have power again. I'm working the entire weekend (21 hours) in the broiling heat as a promotional model just to bring in some money.

And his Mother knows I moved here to be near him originally and that Ive had a lot of setbacks. I don't like her judgement of me or her telling him to go into therapy over ME.

Now I have this fear of her trying to force me out even faster because she owns the house.

Anyway, how do you handle the N twisting information about you to other people ?

Jun 24 - 8PM
TraumaMamma
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I'm sure he will twist it around

Enough people know me to know it isn't true. One of my favorite quotes: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss Says it all baby. Those who care about you, already know that you are a good egg. You know your reality. That is all that matters, love. ((((((((hugs)))))))

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Jun 24 - 7PM
deecbee
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Me personally, I don't let it

Me personally, I don't let it bother me anymore. I've known the N long enough to know that he only talks about people who negatively affect him in some way. If my name is in his mouth, then that means he's licking his narcissistic injuries. GOOD. Be pissed, I don't care. He lacks credibility in his current social circle at this point, that I don't care what comes out of his mouth about me.
Jun 24 - 4PM
Susan32
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Actions Speak Louder than Words

The ex-Psych prof was intent on badmouthing as a madwoman my freshman year because I was mourning my grandfather&he'd emotionally abuse me IN CLASS. He'd mock me, tell me to kill myself if I were so sad... and it was on class time. By my senior year, during the final D&D, he'd move his seminar class from one room to another so I'd look like a crazy stalker, all because I had declared my love to him. He went around telling his students during class that I had been making unwanted sexual advances on him. He played the Itty Bitty Little Victim. What happened during those 4 years? Why did his colleagues NOT side with him during the final D&D? He had unmasked himself around his colleagues, he had lost credibility. Some Ns/Ps are pitch perfect when it comes to the "good guy" persona. They keep their vileness behind closed doors so they look Pure&Innocent in the outside world. I let my actions speak for themselves. The ex-P would angrily be berating me to tears in front of my classmates... and his Poor Little Victim Act fell apart like a building in an earthquake. When people don't really know you, they'll easily believe the lies. But when they DO know you and are genuinely decent, they'll know the truth. The ex-P lacked SO much credibility that if I HAD hit on him sexually, NOBODY would've believed him. On top of that, he was paranoid. He'd say he was badmouthing me because he was afraid I was doing the same to him.
Jun 24 - 4PM
fooled no longer
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i can reaaly sympathise with

i can reaaly sympathise with you. my narc secretly told anyone who would listen that he was supporting me fully financially, that I earned nothing, and that he was so caring when I was sick. This is such complete bullshit that I was determined to tell people the truth, i turned myself inside out trying to convince and show his mother that I was Good and a hardworker. its been a waste of time, he always plays the victim and can con anyone in a few minutes. If he can con me, he can con anyone!!! I tell myself that daily. Just live a good life, and prove them wrong Love to u, my dear. its such a waste of yr energy, they are a waste of time.
Jun 24 - 4PM
jackguy
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Sounds like a difficult situation

I am quite sure my ex has painted an untrue picture of me with her mum and at first I found this really hurtful as I had been pretty close with her and always treated her really well. I have got more physically and psychically separated from my ex now so I am don't feel as hurt by it. I know that her mum will never desert her no matter what and I don't feel as concerned with what her mum may or may not believe. I know the truth and that is gradually becoming enough. But i know it's painful. All the best.
Jun 24 - 2PM
agnesmurphy17
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Time to Move On

You say he tells the truth . . . is this irony? I mean he's not telling his mother the truth, is he? Are you a financial drain? You could call her yourself & tell her that you do not take money from him. But she probably supports her son no matter what, one reason why he is as he is. Why can't you go home? If you moved there for him, I assume you have no friends to crash with because you are new. How about a room rental on Craig's List? Being there is not good. Gotta get out. Or accept that he's going to black ball you to anybody who will listen. This is the time you learn who your friends really are. I learned that people I spent hours & hours with socializing believed: 1. I am a drug addict; 2. I am severely autistic [I talk on my feet all day in public fora for a living!]; 3. I am so damaged from childhood that I could not connect with others; 4. We had a mutally agreed upon Green Card marriage [got his Green Card from his employer]; 5. I just stopped loving him, he didn't understand but his heart was broken. Told all these stories to different people--master of compartmentalization. Then, *poof*, these same people accepted the New Woman at all social functions beginning the day after I left him & broke his heart. And they supported him & I am the villan. It's what they do. Destroy your reputation. You have to move on & get away. They go on happily. You are ruined. The longer you stay, the worse it will get. I am surprised he lets you stay there. What's he getting out of it? Mine could not let me stay in the house which I owned with him. Married people do that until one or the other can move on reasonably. Mine became very fragmented & disorganized. Very threatening & dangerous. I could not go on another minute. He was keeping me awake all night with harangues & physically abusive because I told him it was over & meant it.
Jun 24 - 2PM
wisdomneeded
wisdomneeded's picture

Difficult

to defend yourself with others. Especially those who want to believe the Narc and are caught in his web. Very typical of the Narc twisting things to make himself look great and you looking like the bad guy. Especially to "THE MOM"! I am sure you are doing your best but the sooner you can go NO CONTACT the better off you will be. Clarity is the biggest issue and it is so difficult to have that when you still see the N all of the time. The best way to diffuse the lies is to just go on with your life and begin the healing process with the steps Lisa suggests on this forum. I hope you can find a place of your own soon. Yes I could not believe this one -"or her telling him to go into therapy over ME". UNBELIEVABLE...hang in there!
Jun 24 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Thunderbolt
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Thanks. I am friends with his

Thanks. I am friends with his sibling who ironically has a high paying job but lives rent free with his parents in a cushy basement apartment (slightly BPD but harmless.) His brother confirmed the entire side on the conversation on his Mom's side. The whole situation makes me ill. But all I can do is keep moving working hard. It's just difficult because I get slowed down from time to time by PTSD. The panic attacks suck my energy.