how far did you go?

this is tough to ask but i think it might help us realize that we are not alone in the seemingly crazy choices and actions we have made with our narcs. what have you done that was out of character or completely irrational when responding or reacting to the words or actions of your narc?

FreeToBe's picture

After a year and a half of him: talking about his exes, ogling women everywhere we went, telling me who he thought was hot, who he'd like to "F", never coming over to my house, not spending any time with my kids, family or friends, making rude comments about very young ladies, withholding affection, jokingly referring to my kids as "fuckers and faggots", reprimanding my parenting skills, taking phones calls in private from other women, fighting with me if I expressed the hurt any of his behaviors caused me, subsequently dumping me, successfully diverting all of the attention off of himself onto me, blaming it all on me, calling me names............he dumped me yet again and at that point I snapped. I hooked up with an old FWB and stayed the night with him. The worst part of all of that was that I stayed with his ass. I should never have dated him past the first month! After that, the tides changed and I began to dump him! I often acted so irrationally and out of character that I began to think that maybe I really was borderline like he said but part of me knew better. I had so much inner conflict that it DID make me mentally ill. I WAS mentally ill while in that relationship. Thank God I got out and that I am getting healthier every day! FreetoBe
FreeToBe's picture

What a sick, sick relationship! I am so ashamed of it. I'm so ashamed for tolerating so much. I'm so ashamed of my actions and reactions. Somehow, some day I will forgive myself. But I don't know if I'll ever forgive him. You see, I possess a gift called self-honesty. I have always been forthright and honest about my actions. He has done nothing but deny, deny, lie and deny. That is unforgivable.
fooled no longer's picture

I spat in his face I dont regret that, although I cant imagine anything so disgusting ever again. He drove me to violent thoughts. I used to fantasise about slamming his head in the car door. I put up with him jumping on top of me like a baboon and no foreplay. I cant believe the things I tolerated. However I never compromised my on morals. They are slime .. they are not worth the dogshit under our shoes.
MandyM's picture

Mine sat pressed smack up against me on my couch, in my own home, and called one of his woman "friends." He had no idea I could hear her end of the conversation. When she asked him if he was at his parents' house, he said yes. And that was only one of the lies I witnessed. I can't believe I didn't call him out on that then and there. I can't believe I didn't say a word. I just let him do what he wanted to do. Because if I was too clingy, you know, he would leave me. I thought if I was easygoing about all his woman "friends," gave him his freedom while he healed from his divorce and didn't push for anything too soon like he complained other women did, he would realize how great I was and choose to commit to me.
Wallace's picture

I used to lie awake at night thinking of how I could kill myself and one night I actually tried to cut my wrists with a razor - fortunately it did not work. And do you know that I actually told him that night - he didn't say anything, just rolled over and went to sleep and when a friend asked me what happened to my wrist the next day, he acted like he hadn't even seen the cut and never mentioned it again. Thank goodness I didn't succeed. It is amazing how they drive you to do things you would never dream of doing but it's like you get sucked into the alternate universe of Narcville where you lose your whole self. I remember the one time having this overwhelming and I mean, OVERWHELMING (I had to really fight to suppress it) urge to throw my coffee mug at him. It is s super big-ass SERIOUS coffee mug and it would have done some damage. It was like it was the only thing I could do to express my anger and frustration. Thank goodness I didn't - he prob would have had me charged with assault.
twisted's picture

This is a tough but great topic. God, the things I did that made me not even recognize myself....... Cried and pleaded to the closed door he was holding shut on me Punched him in the face while he was driving Threw a drink at him at a party in front of our friends Once called him Charles Manson Sat at home like a total chump waiting for him at 3, 4, 5, 6 am... Gave up things like holidays because they weren't important to him Became a detective, checked his computer history, snooped in his phone, email, wallet, pockets, followed him Layed awake in bed at night afraid to get up to go the washroom because I knew he was watching porn in the other room Emailed the woman I knew he was seeing and asked her for confirmation Begged, cried, screamed, rationalized, stood fighting and flapping my arms like bird, when I should have just turned and walked out the door Started recording every conversation or happening just to try and make sense of it or for evidence Slept with him after we broke up when I knew he was still lying to me Stalked his house and documented when the OW was there or not
victimnomore's picture

I still struggle with this after almost 12 months NC and almost divorced from this evil thing. I stooped so low that i cannot believe it myself at times. I begged and pleaded and literally held on to his leg as he walked out the door. I lay in shock as he called another women on his cell phone while having sex with me. I took him back time and time again. I took him back after he left me and purchased a house with the OW at the time . The relationship and house only lasted 5 months. (she was smart enough to run after the mask slipped). I spent thousands of dollars to try and make him happy. I took him back after he secretly had his mistress at a birthday party that I had given for him. The list can go on forever but I don't even want to remember. The goos news is that part of my life is over and never again will I give up my power to anyone! I control this ship now and I am sailing away! Peace!


mystwoman's picture

Wow, victimnomore! I really feel for you. This very much reminds me of xnh. He answered the phone and talked with his ex-wife while we were having sex. Then after he hung up, he just couldn't figure out WHY I had gotten up and was dressed. Gee, go figure that I wasn't still "in the mood". Xnh actually had the unmitigated gall to get angry at ME. Hearing him talk about his children to his ex-wife while he porking me was NOT even remotely sexy. Duh. Talk about being completely devalued! Xnh used to make comments (thinly disguised as jokes) about how women were just the "receptacles for his sperm". In xnh's case, I'm convinced that he meant it. These narc-holes are absolutely pathetic, arrogant pigs! I am SO glad I'm rid of xnh. :)

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

dolphingirl's picture

I had an abortion because I could not imagine the torture the child would go through having him as a father. I wanted the child and it was the most difficult thing I ever did.
FreeToBe's picture

*Super Hugs to You*
RubyWoo's picture

I'm sending you a megahug! You will meet a man worthy of your baby and then you will be sooo happy together,then you can have your child with a real DAD and not some poor excuse for a man.
greengirl91's picture

You did the best thing you knew..I`m sorry for your loss..I can only imagine how heartbreaking must have been. But it would have been another poor soul tortured by a person who doesn`t give a shit about anything and anyone. Better stop the evil as soon as possible than let it grow. The ex N said too "wanna be the father of your child" stuff like that, "we`re gonna walk through the park every day", what a joke, but we all know what words from them mean: MORE LIES!! Now I don`t believe in words of love, I believe in facts. Again, you are strong for making that choice, God bless you.
borderline's picture

we know you did what you thought was best. this is truly sad though. my heart goes out to you.
mystwoman's picture

I cried and (literally) begged him to not leave me when he threatened (which was often), even though I knew the relationship was destructive to me and xnh was only going to get more abusive. I actually remember thinking while I was begging, "What the HELL are you doing this for?!?" and hating myself even while the words were coming out of my mouth. It was SO degrading to me. I didn't even manage to look out for my own best interests. I was that beat down. NEVER AGAIN will I allow that type of treatment to happen to me. NEVER.

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

RubyWoo's picture

I did EXACTLY the same... we love these men WAY too much.
Deidre40's picture

omg...i'm so terribly sorry. :=( may your life be blessed now that these men are out of the picture.
Deidre40's picture

I sent him nude pics of myself. Tasteful…but, still. Ugh. I never ever did that in my life. And I found out after we broke up, that he showed others. Oh gosh, I haven’t shared that here on this site yet with you all…but, now that I’m healing, I don’t mind sharing. I’m mortified by this, and can’t believe he did that. He threatened me that he was going to, but then I found out, he did. Why would this man do this? Those pics were for him…private. When we were together, he also used the pics thing for control. He’d ask for nude pics…I’d send, like on demand (eye roll)…and as time went on, he would not comment. He wouldn’t acknowledge receiving them. It would make me feel bad. Which was his intent.
Deidre40's picture

How far did I go…well, we didn’t date that long, only three months. But, I was so worn out emotionally from the jerk, it felt like a lot longer. Lol I’d say one of the most upsetting things I did was stay up late…every night, to accommodate his schedule. He rarely accomodated me. Towards the end, I knew I was going to end things, and stopped doing that. I remember him going into a panic mode…’’dee, what’s wrong…you’re not gonna leave me are you?’’ (yes, asshole I am…haven’t gotten around to it yet ) lol But, I lost a lot of sleep. We lived in different states, so I tried to accommodate him…too much. He wasn’t even working at the time, isn’t that rich? But, I was the one staying up late. Looking back, another thing I compromised on…was I always told him…don’t hang up no me when we’re arguing. HE DID THIS CONSTANTLY thereafter. He got the idea real quick that I wasn’t going to call back. He would call me back like 1 minute after he’d hang up…NOT apologize…and continue his rant. I stopped telling him to stop hanging up on me. Just knew his days were numbered in my head. You know, there were more stories, but now I can’t recall them? Haha Praise be to God, he’s starting to fade from my head. I do remember when we went to get gas, and he gave me a sour look that HE had to pump my gas. (we were driving my car at the time) I have never had a man not willing to pump my gas. I knew he was a liar right then and there, when he told me he was a gentleman, early on, and would do this or that for his gf. (not me, he spoke of all women and gf’s and wives in general terms) lol Bleck…so glad this jerk is GONE
NinjaGirl's picture

Anytime he'd get upset with me he'd either scream at me or completely ignore me, both of which set of my anxiety. I would usually do things like either call in to work and obsessively ask my mom/best friend if he they thought he was going to break up with me, etc., or I'd show up at my ex's workplace and be all sweet and beg him not to leave me. UGH! Even after he broke up with me I spent hours neglecting myself and helping him try to find a new job, writing stories for him, helping him with HIS writing...truly unbelievable.
Recovering Suzie's picture

I can’t not believe the things I did or didn’t do including nearly two years of useless marriage counseling, but one instance does stand out. After learning of his affair AND that he hadn’t ended it like he said he had, I sat with him in my boss’s office (boss was traveling) while he talked on speaker phone with the OW calling her the same pet names he called me. Telling her he loved and missed her. Because he was going to break up with her, but he had to do it ‘right’ so that she didn’t come after him and ruin his career. So I sat there and listed to him ask her what color panties she was wearing. What a power trip that must have been for him. That was, however, how I learned that he had a secret phone. She spilled the beans. I guess he couldn’t control everything after all.
birdie's picture

thank you, borderline. seeing all these posts takes away some of the shame, for sure. our reactions were normal. now it's time to focus on treating ourselves gently and getting some sanity back. basically, i did everything everyone wrote in response to you. and then some. seriously. at one point i wanted a lobotomy to stop my crazy antics.
ifinallygotit's picture

after he abandoned me for a year and did not make it hard on him at all - let him kiss me fro 5 hours after dinner (I would not have sex but I let him very close to me after he almost destroyed me) Took him back after he kicked me off his property and did not speak to me for a month to punish me for dropping by without calling Took him back after he disappeared for 6 weeks one summer Made him an Easter travel basket not knowing he was going to leave me (thinking he was going on a short trip) Let him get away with murder including being on FB for a year without even telling me I lost my power to him and it will take a long time to regain my dignity
sara-smile's picture

So far it makes me sick to think about. I lied to my family and friends daily. I put my children in a very very bad place with the Narc. I let a man put bruises on me and verbally abuse me. I stalked him every way I could think of to see what he was up to because I didn't trust him. He was married when I met him and I broke up his marriage and I will carry that regret and shame with me forever. I could go on and on. It seems like everything I did with the Narc was totally out of character for me. How in the hell did I turn into that person. That is hard to let go of.
enpsychopedia romantica's picture

He broke up his marriage, Sara. If you had known or even glimpsed the truth about him, would you have even been friends with him, acquaintances even? Likely not. I nearly left my husband who had had a heart attack just 6 months prior to the discard! I was so besotted, I would have left a man who, though far from perfect, has always stood by me, been a solid anchor through all of my difficulties. The narc formed a lover, brother, mother, best guy friend, best girl friend bond with me. He became so indispensable I couldn't imagine life without him. Your moral imbecile probably did the same, Sara. They become indispensable and have such exquisite masks and charades we can't possibly know the truth. I'm in my fifties have had tons of life experience and I was totally blind-sided. I have never even known or heard about anybody like this demonic entity. Borderline--Don't be too hard on yourself. And the diagnosis of borderline? Shiste--who doesn't become borderline as a direct consequence of being exposed to a narcissist? It's acquired. They are im-freaking-possible to deal with in an emotionally rational way, so we go nuts trying.
Deidre40's picture

OH sara :=( I’m so sorry…and as I read through all these, it’s so sad ladies what we permitted. But, now we’re wiser. Sara…your post about bruises. My ex was very rough in bed, and I will never forget being covered in bruises after we got together one time. Ugh. I remember telling him, and he laughed. That’s all he did was laugh, a weird laugh. Like he was proud of that. I’d often note him as saying…’’have to mark my territory somehow,’’ when he’d speak of disgusting things he wanted to do to me sexually. UGH! I don’t want to remember anything else. :=(
sara-smile's picture

Thanks so much for your posts. I'm having a tough time today and your posts made me cry. Cry in a good way! I honestly don't know what I'd do some days if I didn't have you guys. I can't imagine how people get through this without a support system like this. Narc said the same thing. He was marking his territory! Idiots. He wanted me to tattoo his initials on my ass so I'd be forever marked as HIS! Thank you Lord that I had sense enough to stay away from the tattoo parlor! Thanks again to both of you! I needed some comforting today!
blindfaith's picture

I started out very loving and affectionate to him. But after more than a year of him subtley yet torturously messing with my mind in numerous ways,and making it a point to be the most stubborn, frustrating,hurtful,argumentative person on the face of the earth, it got to the point sometimes when i'de practically snap his head off for blinking! I dont swear that much normally,or cry, but i did alot of crying,swearing and yelling with him. His constant dishonesty,unpredictability,selfishness and indifference to my feelings turned me into a jaded,suspicious, bitter girlfriend.And his unpredictable ill-timed coldness forced me to put up emotional walls against him, which was sad. I snooped, started playing his dishonest games (not the real me!), chain-smoked, stopped smiling and laughing,became edgy,unstable,angry,anxious,talked everyone's ears off about him,didnt eat right,woke up at wierd times of the night in a rage (over the latest thing he said/did, and the things i had put up with--i cant believe it! How far did i go? I did everything humanly possible to change him and fix "us" to the point of obsession, and realized i was physically,mentally,emotionally and spiritually destroying myself....over a man who could never be bothered to give to the relationship in any way. I have put up with the most hurtful,ridiculous,blatanly uncaring,cold,degrading,rejecting treatment i have ever taken from anyone and before i met him, if anyone would discribe his behavior and ask if i would put up with it,i wouldve said no way! I even went to counseling with him after i knew the relationship was already dead and gone....just to be loyal and relentless till the very end,hoping again hope. No sence going to counseling with a liar.very frustrating experience. My whole family and all my friends know how much i loved him, and its nothing less than humiliating how they all saw (and heard) the extent that he consumed me. He never laid a hand on me,but he wouldve killed me from stress if i wouldve stayed. All i can say is, i can see why his ex used to hit him over the head with frying pans!
FreeToBe's picture

Double Ditto.
Freedom101's picture

I basically lost my mind and was ashamed at the things I did. Snooping on emails, suspicious all the time. Never relaxed or happy. Always obsessing and waiting for the shit to hit the fan. I totally disengaged from my own life and the enjoyment of it. I didn't realize how much until this last month where I can appreciate things more. I let him talk to me like a piece of crap for hours on end and if I'd argue back he'd hang up on me or walk out and then I'd be the one crawling back begging him to talk to me. Ugh, I did so many things that are so out of character for me. I've always been such a strong person but years married to an addict changed me and made me ripe for the picking in this kind of relationship. I am slowly going back to the person I used to be and know I'm good enough for me now and that is all that counts.
Pearl's picture

Long before I met my current ex-narc (6 weeks NC yay!) I was married to another narc. Early on in our relationship we were already fighting over his ex-girlfriend and their inability to let each other go. We were already engaged (after 6 weeks) and living together in a passionate hell. We'd had a stormy day during which we had visited the ex, as he had insisted he needed to see her to finalise a few matters and I could either wait in the car or at a park down the road. I should have chosen option B but I foolishly went with option A, at that point in time I hated the ex girlfriend and was in my narc's corner 100%. I was in the car and they were fighting in the front yard. She was enraged and emotional to see me, and he was probably loving the attention. I now regret that I waved my hand at her showing off the engagement ring. This added fuel to the fire, she was yelling at me, he was yelling at her, and I quickly realised this was an absurd circus being played out on a public street. I asked him to get in the car, she asked him to come inside... it was a choice he had to made. He chose to follow her inside! At this point I became even more irrational. I climbed into the drivers seat of his stupid hotted up pathetic car and tried to drive off, but having only driven manual cars before and not autos, I didn't realise you had to put your foot on the brake to put the car in gear. So I simply put my foot on the accelerator instead. I wanted out, I wanted to escape and was doing whatever I had to do to get out of this absurd situation. Well it worked, the engine was revving out of control, smoke was billowing around the car and out of the house he came screaming. Every neighbour on that damn street was by now enjoying the spectacle. He screamed at me. I screamed at him "I told you I wanted to go!!!" So we left. I cried in the car on the way home and he kept yelling at me. We got home and the fighting continue, I didn't understand why he had chosen to follow her inside and not stand by ME! We got home and he locked himself in the bedroom and called her and this pushed me over the edge and beyond all sense and rationality. He came downstairs and kept yelling at me, and I grabbed a large kitchen knife and slashed at my thighs. I just wanted everything to stop... I wanted him to see how much I was hurting, I wanted this nightmare to end. He grabbed me and threw me on the stairs, still yelling at me. At some point his sister arrived, I must have called for help but I don't recall doing so. She took me aside and said "my brother has always been a selfish person and he will never change". Bless her. She took me to my mother's house and soon after I ended the relationship. But he came back, pursued me in tears and begged to change. I held firm for 2 weeks, but when he told me he had enlisted with the army to prove his love for me and wanted to make a new life together, I went back. Surely this was true love. We relocated to a remote location in Australia with the army, were married 2 years later and our daugher was born another 2 years after that. I lived in hell for 5 years. I still have panic attacks and moments of self-loathing but I'm determined to get better, for both my sake and that of my daughter. She deserves a happy mum, and I deserve a happy life.