How do we know if we are making progress?

Great question, not sure there is a conclusive answer. I know that it is said that in a Normal relationship it takes about one month for each year spent with a partner to get over it...I guess that's give or take. I also know that when dealing with PD's and narcs in particular it takes about 18 months... I guess that is about right though as there are six steps to get through and on average it took me about three months to come out of the fog and learn about npd alone! BUT more importantly, I don't think a "timeline" can be attached everyone is different, then there are breaks in NC which takes us back some at times... What I do note IFGI is that you oftentimes mention his tone last you spoke...that comes up a lot, and it's almost like you are still trying to "rationalize" or make some kind of sense of what has happened and you are understandably in SHOCK! and this will take time to weed through...this was abandonment, and it was cruel, and it is very hard to comprehend how someone can just pick up and go without looking back and denying closure, especially since we have been loving, understanding, patient, supporting through all THEIR ups and downs... I think for you IFGI if I'm on to something here with what the significance of his tone last phone call is something keeping you clinging to some aspect of this...forget how he sounded...LOOK AT WHAT HE DID...that is where the focus needs to be. The focus on his voice is CD as again, his tone indicated some aspect of "feeling" which he does not have if he's a narc...he only feels for himself. Even if there was shame, guilt, remorse whatever, it had to do with how it messed HIM up, not you...he's not thinking of your suffering, your struggle, your health, your problems...nothing...he's only thinking about himself and his tone was no indication of anything else other than that. Remember his reaction when you fell off the horse...that without tone spoke volumes. This process is hard, painful, agonizing, but you have a good support system in place, and you will in time get past this...never mind the when, put in the work like you've been doing and it will get better it really really will. Just be patient with yourself, you invested a lot of time and you gave of your heart and it will take time to heal. You are worthy of love, affection, and someone who can really appreciate you for who you are...this man was an empty shell to begin with, that's not your fault...that's his problem...fill your vessel with things you love, with things that fill you...realize your temporary physical setback is just that - TEMPORARY and you do have alot to look forward to. Hugs!

My best GF has a saying and I recently found it on a plaque at target and it now hangs over me "Faith makes things possible..not easy." I know I have made progress from the intial pain and confusion because I can actually sleep all night now, instead of awaking at 2am for one final cry, as I did for two months. Also, my breathing is better. you know after a cry how you cannot breath deeply in and out- I felt like that all the time. Last, I am accepting more offers to socialize, I am not cocooning myself away as I did in the real early stages. I still have a LONG way to go

We are making progress when we are thinking about them less and less. You will know you made a big step forward when you will stop wondering what he thinks or what is he up to. From my personal experience: I don't want to talk about him with anybody, I don't want to look at his FB page. I don't care if he got married with the OW. I do not care if they broke up. It just does not matter for me any longer. This is how i know that i moved forward. Now i just need to make sure that that this feelings are not temporary :) It took me 1 year and 4 months.

It is very hard and of course, they will show pain at losing someone. Mine did this too- said 'life won't be worth living without you' etc etc. But I'm sorry to say this , it is not 'you' he is devastated to lose but whatever he was able to get from you. They can move on very quickly. I am sixteen months NC. I still think about what happened every day but in time, there comes a stage when it is much easier to quickly bring to mind the bad things that happened. Several months down the line (having read daily on here)there came a point when I saw the futility of trying to 'explain' his behaviour or rationalise it against the 'good' things he said or did. I just had to accept the 'good' was simply lies and there is no understanding this disorder. So I suppose acceptance is progress. You think about him everyday-so do I, though not all day as I used to do. He is there because as someone said, it is impossible to reach a point of indifference with these people. But I don't think of him with longing or sadness but with incredulity, with shock. I sometimes think it must all have been a bad dream. The realisation that this disorder exists and what it involves, still astounds me. So that's my progress- I guess it will be different for different people. Sixteen months ago, I was barely able to function; getting out of bed was an effort. I struggled to find hope or pleasure in anything. Now I am working and taking care of myself and my family. I'm grateful for what I have and I see all this as stepping forward. But I am not the same person. I feel a bit guarded now; I'm sad about that. I used to feel everything very deeply...now I'm almost afraid to. But I'm hopeful that my trust will return. There is no trivialising the pain these men cause or the time it takes to recover. Stay patient and safe and know that you will come through this. As time passes, the mind becomes clearer and starts to untangle all those closely woven threads of deceit. The thoughts slow down and settle into different patterns shaped by your new awareness.

Yes, he is thinking of you. He just is incapable of winning you back and he knows it. He is preying on the unsuspecting now and it will end the same way it did with you. Guaranteed. Focus on you now, there is no going back, he won't change, he will keep on doing the same horrible things to every woman he encounters for the rest of his life. Yes, he will think of you but he knows you are too good for him, too wise to his ways, now that you've learned all about this disorder. You really are better off without him than with him. Hard to accept but it is reality.