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how do i get past the anger?

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#1 Nov 16 - 5PM
Samantha Rey
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how do i get past the anger?

I am the victim of a female friend narc and cannot get past the anger I feel towards her. I was told that it violates my sense of morality that someone, not only could be so mean, but can get away with this kind of behavior. I think all the lies messed me up. I know that none of this is causing her any pain and that she has already moved on and forgotten about our friendship but I cannot get past my anger at how she used and manipulated me.

Any advice? I've tried reading some books but still need some advice from people who have been through it.

Thanks,

Jan 4 - 10AM
Samantha Rey
Samantha Rey's picture

@Too Soft What do you mean by

@Too Soft What do you mean by "devalue?" I uncovered my friend's lies in April and it took me until probably a month ago to stop wanting to go after her with a stick (just kidding) The intense anger has passed (with help from this site.) My experience with her let me see that, although she is the worst narc that has ever been in my life, she is not the only one. So, to protect myself from those in the future and those people that are little less manipulative who are in my life now...I read a lot of books! I learned their techniques and how to avoid them and that people like them don't need to be in my life or anyone else's. The hardest thing to learn was that they take all your good qualities and use them against you. How cruel! Anyway, I don't have to see my friend in any social situations and she knows better than to show her face around me so I'm a little more fortunate than you. Can you tell me what happened with your friend? I don't know if you can message me personally or not. I think you've been on this site longer than I have so let me know if you can. In the meantime, good luck!
Jan 4 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
TooSoft
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Hi Samantha. Basically, when

Hi Samantha. Basically, when narcs have had enough of us, or they get bored or if the perceive we have slighted them in any way, we are devalued. Its a bit like a currency being devalued, i suppose. Narcs don't do friendship like normal people. We are there for their benefit solely. I discovered this during the friendship, which towards the end became very one sided and I was beginning to learn that narc was very self centred and didn't really care about me. She pretended at the start of the friendship but gradually the mask slipped. I still see her at the dance functions and classes. She was working away during the summer so i didn't see her much. She came back to my city in November and the first thing she did was make contact with a friend of mine who narc got to know through me. That hurt like hell. You see i had been totally ignoring her all along and I would think it drove her mad. I posed a question here earlier today about how to treat her going forward as i feel kinda stuck as I will see her. I am going to treat her as an acquaintance and with indifference from here on in. She won't be getting any special treatment!
Jan 4 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
Samantha Rey
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I've read that ignoring them

I've read that ignoring them drives them crazy!
Jan 4 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
TooSoft
TooSoft's picture

Yip. Narcs are so full of

Yip. Narcs are so full of themselves, they can't believe we don't bend over backwards to have them back in our lives even though they abused us! That's a mind boggling concept isn't it?
Jan 4 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
Hunter
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Idealize,devalue,discard..

Idealize,devalue,discard.. Google it.. Hunter
Jan 4 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
Samantha Rey
Samantha Rey's picture

@hunter...I usually look up

@hunter...I usually look up words on the freeonline dictionary but I thought, like the abbreviation Narc that devalue had a special meaning on this site. Thans for you help, though!
Jan 4 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Idealize, devalue,discard..

Idealize, devalue,discard.. It's how the operate.. Google it .. You will find many answers to your questions. Hunter
Jan 4 - 7AM
TooSoft
TooSoft's picture

Anger

Hi Samantha, I hear you. I'm a victim of a female narc friend also. Her devalue happened in May of 2011 and I am still picking up the pieces. It was a devastating expereience that shattered my self confidence. I went through the anger stage and it is good to feel that anger and it passes in its own time. The road to recovery takes time and being patient with ourselves is difficult isn't it? I still find it hard to fathom the amount of emotional pain she actually caused me.
Dec 22 - 9AM
Samantha Rey
Samantha Rey's picture

thanks!

Thank you all for your help. I didn't think it would help talking to you but it did/does! Yes, I have no contact and am quickly forgetting the egomaniacal, using, selfish, bitch. (Although sometimes when I'm reminded of her I still mutter "bitch" under my breath.) I used to feel stupid...but I learned that narcs take advantage of the nice people in the world and use their goodness against them. I trust people to be who they are. I see the good in people. And people take advantage of that. And, if I think about it, I don't want to be around those kind of people! I was "lucky" enough not to have been her only victim. And when all her friends got together and compared notes, we found out what a liar she was and we all dropped her! But what helped most of all, is what Luckyspurs and others have said, "you are now wiser because this person has been in your life" I must say I'm hypervigilant now and reading several books has made me more protective and less trusting of people. Beware the next person who tries to take advantage of me! Coincidentally, I just read "Fatal Vision" by Joe McGinnis. Jeffrey MacDonald was the ultimate narcissist. If you don't know who he is...google him. Again, many thanks!
Dec 20 - 3PM
LuckySpurs
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It might be awhile but it will go away

I nursed a narc wound for 7 years. I thought I would never get over the anger I felt towards her (my ex best friend). But over the last 6 months or so, (and I believe this website helped tremendously) the anger has seemed to subside. Sure she still irks me, but I could care less now. No contact is the key and that includes social networks. We all know how manipulative these narcs can be and social networks work to their advantage, not yours. My advice is prayer and healthy venting and new relationships. It's ok to be angry but get the anger out so that you can move on. Write your feelings down. Write her a letter, but do NOT send it. Remember NO CONTACT is the key. And in the end you will be stronger than you ever realized you could be. This manipulating narc of yours will be a distant memory soon enough :) You are now wiser because this person was in your life, go and do good with what you know!
Nov 18 - 5PM
DLP75
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Give it time

If you read my DLP75 story and then my posts on It's All About Her, you'll see I was blindsided after 10 years with my narc woman. It's been 11 weeks today and I saw her on the road this week and was able to look at her as I passed by her, and then drove on only to see her try to catch me. I have been NC for several weeks and it felt so good to ignore her as she was honking her horn trying to get my attention. It's funny how when I read Lisa's book 9 weeks ago, it was almost as if I read it in a coma because of the newness and the shock that she could leave me so abruptly with a single phone call after 10 years. I just read Lisa's book again recently, and it takes on a whole new meaning because of time, research, and a clearer mind and understanding. I have burned up the internet searching for anything I could find on Narcissm, because I didn't want to "label" my narc, still thinking a lot of things were my fault. Well they weren't! All my friends and family kept telling me I'm a good, caring man, I bent over backwards for her, and finally told me the truth of what they saw as how she acted. Rude, self centered, fake, and selfish were just a few, and these from several people. But after listening to her for so long, I believed her over them. Not anymore. She is a shallow, empty shell of a person, who I hope get's dumped one day to see what it feels like. (She is 52 and never has been dumped, only done the dumping). Bottom line is think about how we got this way. Mine groomed myself and even her own parents, not to "upset" her by saying anything about her actions, just live with it, which made her a HUGE bully.I even did the same thing recently. When my negative feelings for her would arise, me being a Christian man, I would get very angry and then immediately apologize to the Lord for getting angry instead of releasing my feelings. Then I realized Christ turned over tables in front of the sanctuary in anger, and anger is one of the feelings that he in fact created in me. So one of the BEST things I finally did, was allow my feelings out. I hope you can release your feelings too!
Nov 18 - 9AM
Used
Used's picture

samantha ray

altho you are hurt and angry now, this will eventually pass... The longer you stayed friends with her ,the worse her behaviour would have got... I wouldnt say she has forgotton you, they do not like to lose anyone, so chances are she may even drag her lying arse back to you...IF YOU ARE NC[NO CONTACT ] WITH HER AND STAY THIS WAY, NO HELLO'S NO ANYTHING, SHE WILL EVENTUALLY GET THE MESSAGE AND LEAVE YOU ALONE.... In a way the anger is good, b/c that is one of the steps for getting out....my anger with exn, used to keep me awake at night....but it does pass...good luck..
Nov 16 - 8PM
ruby01 (not verified)
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Samantha Rey

Hey there! Of course you are angry! Nothing wrong with that. Only time will get you through the feelings of anger, so for now own them and don't try to deny them. She may appear to be carefree and having a good time, but eventually their sources dry up and if you are diligent in remaining NC you will be "killing 2 birds..." You will be able to process all that has happened, while giving her no supply - Its a win win situation for you. Follow the great advise of the caring members, and you will make it out alive! Stay away from her and I would suggest not hanging out with mutual friends for now. Better days are ahead- Promise, xxx, Ruby
Nov 18 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
Samantha Rey
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Thanks for the advice! Yes, I

Thanks for the advice! Yes, I do stay away from her and her friends (the ones she has left) I also try not to talk about her with the other friends she hurt since it brings it all back. IN my head, I can understand it (narcissism) but the knowledge hasn't transformed to my heart or soul. This is the first time I've been that close to evil and I guess it has shaken me to the core. I guess, as you said, only time will heal the wound. Thanks again for your advice, sr