How do i get him to leave me alone?!

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#1 Sep 2 - 4PM
blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

How do i get him to leave me alone?!

I thought I got off easy for a while. I told my N that I needed to say goodbye,that I didnt feel loved and wasnt going to stay in a relationship like that. I told him that he hadnt even tried to fix things between us and thats when he said he's too busy "working on himself" to fix "US". Fine okay, so this helped me with what i thought would be closure.

But he couldnt just let it be, no. First he calls me a few days after that and leaves a message that he wants to make peace with me, of course feeling like he has to do this in person...I egnored it. I honestly was settled on the fact that he didnt care.So what does he do? He shows up a few nights later,around 1 am as high as a kite, ringing the buzzer loud--knowing that it could wake up my mom,and obviously not caring about waking me up. I made the mistake of meeting him outside and talking for an hr,which really brought back some feelings I didnt want back,and sent me into CD again.

Since then, i have talked to him a few times over the phone,and had coffee with him once. Im so mad at myself, and mad at him! I dont like it when he tells me he loves me and wants to fix things between us. Its sad,and confuses me because i know theres no hope,and am almost 100% sure he doesnt love me at all...but part of me maybe buys into the bs.

Now Im having panick attacks because i have to wait until he calls again to tell him not to contact me anymore. His phone is out of order...I COULD leave a message with the desk though,at the facility he lives.
This is irritating!!! I wish he never came by that night. So far, i can see that (just like the rest of them) he doesnt respect my need to move-on.And im getting the feeling that he's going to keep messing with me every now and then after i say goodbye again, just enough to keep ruining the quality of my life.

I wish i never agreed to come outside that night, or talk on the phone, or go for coffee with him the other night and be nice to him. Before that night he came by the apt, i wouldve never thought i would fall into this again.
Is there anything that i could say or do that is known to repel a N?

Sep 3 - 4PM
blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

time to get tough with him,and myself

I am soooo grateful to you guys for talking sense into me! Thankyou so much! It really scares me how dense I can be sometimes! My gosh I know this stuff deep down,but why do I keep forgetting? I feel strength and clarity after reading all your posts. I hope I never get stuck on stupid again! Someone kick me if I do!
Sep 3 - 1PM
Nemesis
Nemesis's picture

Blindfaith

Blindfaith, I will just quote to you from my recent post on no contact as I think it applies: "Beware, his last resort – PITY. This manipulation technique often gets us even when we are feeling at our strongest. I know how hard it is to ignore someone who appears to be crying out for help. To a normal person with compassion (like us) it feels so unnatural and cruel to ignore someone who appears to be in pain, especially if it is indicated that their pain is as a result of our behaviour. It goes against everything that we have been taught about being a good person. REMEMBER: The narcissist is fully aware of this and that is why "pity" is such a powerful weapon for him to use against us as it so often delivers the result he wants. But ladies you must stand firm, because once he realises that he cannot manipulate you anymore he is likely to give up and leave you alone. Narcissists avoid people who force them to see the truth. This is the antithesis of narcissistic supply and is to be greatly feared." Hope this helps. xxx
Sep 3 - 8AM
Used
Used's picture

BLINDFAITH

I BELIEVE IF YOU REALY DONT WANT THEM..THEN THEY WILL STOP...23MNTHS NC..WITH NARC ,HE WAS FULL ON TRYING TO GET ME BACK ..I IGNORED HIM...I CHANGED MY PHONE NUMBERS..ANYWAY HE COULD GET IN TOUCH ,I BLOCKED...AS HE LIVES NEAR ME..ITS HARD COS I SEE HIM ALOT....BUT THO HE ALWAYS MAKE SURE I SEE HIM...HE JUST LOOKS.. I KEEP WALKING...HE KNOWS I DONT WANT HIM ANYMORE...SO HE WILL APPEAR,SIMPLY COS WE LIVE AND ARE IN THE SAME TOWN, IF HE DIDNT LIVE HERE..HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN UP BY NOW.. YOU GOING FOR COFFEE WITH HIM..WHY/ THIS SENDS OUT THE MESSAGE YOU ARE STILL INTERESTED..AND WHY DO YOU NEED HIM TO PHONE TO TELL HIM ITS OVER...OVER IS OVER...YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL HIM...YOUR ACTIONS IN GOING NC AND STAYING NC WILL TELL HIM...
Sep 3 - 8AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Why him?

Why do you have to do something to get him to leave you alone? When you are no longer interested in him--he will leave you alone. When he learns that there is no going back. When he learns that going to the house at 1:00 a.m. high as a kite will not get what he wants -- then he will leave you alone. And when YOU no longer care then it will be very easy to call the police when a drunk is waking up you, your mother & the neighbors. It is you who must change your perception of him. Right now, you set up a game of cat & mouse when you waffle back & forth & send inconsistent messages. Exactly the kind of challenge a controlling narcissist enjoys. It's all about control & winning for a narcissist. How many women here have been wined & dined & bedded by a "remorseful" & "I am so in love with you" N -- only to wake up the next day to the D & D. It's all a game--getting her to submit & renounce her resolve to go NC. There are only two ways a N will leave you alone. One, he has a new victim to play with. Two, you are useless to him, ie, you are no longer allowing yourself to be a mine from which he can extract. PS. If his phone was disconnected because YOU returned the bill, then he can go to his provider store, or their website, & pay for immediate reinstatment. And if I do not receive my bills (credit card, mortgage, phone)--I still know I have to pay. Duh. But, his service interruption is YOUR fault! Wow. He's still got you well trained.
Sep 3 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

Excellent info!!!

Excellent info!!!
Sep 3 - 12AM
blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

Thankyou everyone for your responses

I need to stop worrying how he's going to feel. I dont know for sure that he's a N,but I shouldnt think that his feelings are like mine. He's shown that he is not normal. If I had alot of money, I would move far away until he forgets me, but I dont. I hope it doesnt turn ugly or anything. I share an apt with my mom, and dont want any stress to come to her from this. I guess I just have to take it as it comes.
Sep 2 - 11PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

blindfaith

You are letting your emotions get the best of you. I know you have done your homework and realize what this guy is all about. Don't let all that knowledge go to waist. Use it to help you intelligently solve this problem. You know for a fact that he doesn't love anything but seeing you hurt. He's toying with you because you are obviously a very affectionate person, so that's the card he's going to play. It works, right? It's your turn. Trump his a@s by using all that knowledge you've absorbed and go NC. You know that's the way to go. Just do it and save yourself continued heartache! xoxo, Ruby
Sep 2 - 6PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

His phone is out of order??

His phone is out of order?? No it's not, he's playing you like a fiddle! You can't fool Hunter, you are making excuses to contact him. Did you change your number, block I'm from email?? If he comes to the house call the police ! If you want him gone NC is the answer! I'm sorry but this is serious, it's been 1 year for me and I still feel the sting! You my friend have a long road ahead and until you cut him off 100 % you will not recover! Hunter
Sep 2 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

Hunter

Well the reason his phone is out of order (says "this # is no longer in service") is that when his last phone bill came in the mail, i wrote "return to sender" and sent it back. So im unable to leave a message on his phone now. I dread his next phone call and dont feel ready,because i know thats when im suppose to tell him i need this to end. I feel a little guilty about doing that again now,because I was so nice to him a few nights ago when we had coffee together. What can i say? I havent stood my ground too well ever since he made a suprise visit that night. I would feel guilty calling the cops on him. I hope it doesnt get to that point. Its so hard to say goodbye as it is,and he makes it even harder! He almost makes me feel like Im walking out right before things get better. What am i thinking? Things wont get better. Sad to give up on him. Yes i could change my #,and thats been on my mind alot. I could change my cel,but he has my house # too, and if i egnore his calls long enough, he will probably come to the apt again. BUT if i change my cel,at least i wont have to get a panic attack every time my cel rings. This is so stressful! It was soooo much easier to move-on when he was being cold.
Sep 2 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Blind

UGH!! I could, I could.... He's crazy ,you are an object to him, he feeds off you emotions! Look what he's doing to you! You don't need to give him a reason for silence! Is he nice to you?? It's your choice! Your sanity! Good luck! Hunter
Sep 2 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

"you dont need to give him a reason for silence"

Wow, i really feel this one. You are right! No, he's not nice to me. Thats it! Im not going to consider his feelings anymore. He hasnt considered mine! Thankyou Hunter. I cant let him do this to me anymore, its not fair!
Sep 2 - 11PM (Reply to #9)
Unfreakinreal
Unfreakinreal's picture

blindfaith

If you only knew how many times I called him to tell him that I wasn't going to call him anymore... He never gave me any warning before giving me the silent treatment. It sucks because you have the capacity for empathy and your N doesn't. It took many months for me to admit to myself that as excited I was when he would deem me good enough for whatever period of time, I NEVER felt better afterwards. It is absolutely not fair and unfortunately this is something you have to go right through the middle with, there is no way around it. You have to breathe it all in before you can let it out. Big talk from someone whose N is 1500 miles away, right? I will be choking on my words come Monday...
Sep 2 - 11PM (Reply to #8)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

It's worse than" its not

It's worse than" its not fair" it's Abuse!
Sep 2 - 5PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Blindfaith, I think you know

the answer. The sure guarantee to become narc-free is to go total NO CONTACT and mean it. No answering the phone. No answering the door. No meeting for coffee. No talking at all. Every time you do it sends the disordered one the message that it's okay to treat you poorly and ignore you, not call you for days, etc. because you'll always be back for more. You are a nice person, but as my sister used to try to tell me when I wanted to "end it on good terms" with the disordered one I was involved with: NICE DOESN'T WORK WITH SOME PEOPLE! He'll continue to repeat the same behavior and patterns until you change the script. I am sorry you are going through this. I know this has been so unsatisfactory for you for a long, long time and I really want you to be free of this so you can open up space for the kind of love, companionship and passion that you so desire. Most sincerely, (determined to never again be) spinning. I WILL NEVER AGAIN LOWER THE BAR FOR ANY MAN, FOR ANY ONE!

spinning

Sep 2 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

spinning

Your wonderful, thankyou. I just read another post from you to someone else and got something out of that too. I honestly cant believe I did that. Ug! You are right, I shouldnt be nice to him anymore. He just uses it to invade my life and take advantage. I seriously need to get tough with him because he has no respect for my boundries.
Sep 3 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
narcissizednomore
narcissizednomore's picture

That's exactly what you need

That's exactly what you need to tell him the next time he shows up at your door. "I want my personal boundaries respected and I don't want you to contact me anymore." Keep it simple. I said this exact phrase after being harassed for close to a year and the whole time I was ignoring every call and email and even him ringing my bell at the door until he showed up at my open door (sunny day, dog was outside, couldn't pretend I wasn't home.) Anyway, all has been fine since. He doesn't try to contact me anymore. Although he is has been keeping in touch with my husband who he pretends to be friends with but even that has waned lately. He hasn't contacted him for 3 months so maybe he is finally out of our lives. I can only hope. It's been absolutely brutal. The CD is bewildering. Be strong and remember if he surprises you at the door, just be very non-emotional when you repeat the above response! That way he will know you mean it and you're done. It is your final closure and you win!

narcissizednomore