I don't blame you! That would have hooked me too! Mine was really fixated on me in the beginning, and at first it made me uncomfortable, but later I craved it! If we were in a crowded room it was like he only saw me...we would sit at a crowded bar and never look away from each other! Made me all fuzzy and tingly. I fear that that feeling will be hard to replicate with any new man who may come along in the future...which is the part that is hard to give up!
Those are both major red flags for Narcs.
It is a way of hooking us by our natural, deep seated need to be hugely loved and desired (OK, worshipped). This is the "love story" crammed down our throats from childhood. This is so-called "love at first sight".
That's the hard part, realizing that any guy who behaves this way is NOT OK. This is not normal adult behavior. This is predator behavior.
And we drink it in our baby bottles and grow up thinking this is real love.
It's the love of the spider for the fly.
Yes Briseis, that is why I felt so uncomfortable because of the way he just immediately clung to me and fixated on me so much it was so intense. I did not even know him at all and yet I was called and/or texted every two hours wanting an instant relationship, and I knew something was wrong but at the same time I foolishly thought oh he really "loves" me, but is just a clingy guy. So like you said that is not normal behavior but predatory behavior.
Way too cute, standing talking to people in his swimsuit holding his surfboard, smiling of course..I thought I saw him first and decided to not look anymore and go about my business..but there he was right next to me!! Not sure now if he didn't sniff me out first...guess I was prime supply...sitting by myself, had just checked in to the hotel and went down to the chicke bar to get a margarita and start my new book by the pool...never read that book..too bad
When I first met him.. I was introduced to him by friends, and I looked at all of them, Like isn't he gay? why are you trying to introduce us in THAT way.
But, after the 1st date.. I was addicted to him.. I ignored a few red flags the 1st & 2nd month..
Going into the 3rd month I told him what I thought, and he bolted.
Didn't think much at first - which was his cue to try harder. Then he played with my mind. I got up in his face and told him he was a piece of shit for tooling around when he was supposed to be in relationship.
Maybe a year later, the GF was gone and I was hooked in utterly. I'm not sure how it happened - I guess I hit a low spot in my life and assumed that his relentless attention (game playing) was a sign that he really cared (BARF).
It pisses me off that I had him PEGGED early on, and then wasted 20 years mourning the loss of a shadow.
I felt like I was being torn in two. Back in '96, the ex-Psych professor was still attractive. Tanned, handsome, slender... and let's just say his backside was more admired than his lecture. I found him confusing. He'd be a bully one second, than saying profound things another. I was attracted to him, yet loathed myself for being attracted to him. The fact that his social equals-his colleagues-gave him MC said enough. They dealt with him as strictly business, and not much more than they had to.
I've never been that physically attracted to a man before or since... so yeah, I'm surprised that I managed to go 4 years without getting sexually/romantically involved with him. I wanted to jump his bones... and at the same time, I was repulsed. Even I didn't know if I wanted him or not. By the final D&D 4 years later, he had gotten plump and out of shape... so one could say he was the cerebral type who simply withholds sexually and gets fat.
My heart and hormones raced in his presence. He'd talk about how I used "defense mechanisms" when I was with him;sometimes he'd wonder aloud why people were scared of him. (He'd also say that people ridiculed him as a "defense mechanism") I always felt on edge around him. He'd command me to eat, but I'd be super-alert. He had a reptilian gaze, but if I stared him down... he'd snap "Stop looking at me!" (well at the time he said that, he was eye candy) My body literally tensed around him. I'd be in freeze mode.
The first time I met him he took my breath away! I thought he was beautiful...tall, fit, distinguished, nice smile, etc...I had the immediate feeling he was too good looking for me. I was shocked that he seemed really into me (I need to work on being comfortable with my appearance...people tell me all the time that I am pretty, but I don't see it...all I see are my flaws). He love bombed me and I remember feeling overwhelmed and annoyed, but I felt special that he was so interested. He called constantly and wanted to spend ALL our free time together. He seemed annoyed/hurt if I chose to spend time with anyone but him, as he loved to join in any activity I did with anyone. I remember that if I put my foot down and told him that he could not go, and that I really needed some time with just the girls, or just my kids, or just my family he would seem fine and say "oh.. ok.. that's fine, have fun". I would foolishly feel like everything was just fine, but later I would pay! The ways he would make me pay were to ignore me, insult me (always very left handed insults), flirt with other girls right in front of me, go out with his coworkers and be vague as to where he was...the list goes on. It took me awhile to figure out that this was a pattern, and that when I thought things were resolved and let my guard down, is when he would strike back. Also anxiety played a big part in my relationship with him..and that started really early on.
He was very charming and friendly (what I would consider almost "too friendly"). I guess the best word that a felt when I first met xhn was "overpowered".
We met at a going away lunch for a fellow co-worker, and I'd only been with the company for about a month. When I sat down at the table, he sat down next to me and started talking...and then dominated my conversations for the rest of the lunch. I didn't talk to much of anyone besides xnh because he was just constantly "there".
I've since learned this is an over-riding trait in my xnh. If he isn't at the center of every single conversation, and it isn't about him (or his current...whatever), he finds a way to turn it back to himself...every time, or he gets bored and his presence becomes ugly. Throughout the years, he's pissed off many people dominating conversations, and I was apparently so brainwashed by xnh that I usually didn't even notice. People have approached me after the divorce and told me how they hated when he would show up anywhere because everything always quickly became all about him.
When I first met xnh, he also wanted to be in the middle of anything to do with me, and he quickly became very pushy about wanting to be everywhere that I was. Since I had a 65 mile commute (one way) to and from work. I at least got to go home without him (well, until he started calling me every night unasked). He was married at the time, and naturally his calling me pissed his wife off when she saw the phone bill. His calling constantly was annoying to me but I was also attracted (or overpowered - looking back) by him.
Then when xhn D&D's his first wife, he promptly started being really pushy about my dating him. This was fairly traumatic for me because I'd already been through one abusive narc marriage, and it had taken me 17 years to begin even thinking about being involved with anyone. At the time xnh was pushing me to date him, I remember thinking, "Well if I go out with him once, it doesn't mean I'm marrying him." Bad strategy on my part. Give xnh an inch and he'll take a mile. Next thing I knew I fell in love with him, and... the abuse from xnh began. In my case, it probably wasn't three months from the time I met xnh until I was constantly spending time with him, and around 6-7 months before the first inklings of his devaluattion of me had started. Most of my relationship with xnh, I felt like I vacillated wildly between him being "the love of my life", and feeling like I was "sleeping with the enemy". It was a very cruel roller coaster for me.
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God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.
I had a scary dream about him, before I even met him. As you can read in my story.
But when I met him, he charmed the hell out of me, I had no anxiety, I thought he really sees me, I thought, he is really interested in me, he was so charming and positve.
But this very day their were already some scary red flags, after we had sex, not before.
I should have run away immedialty
my first thought was 'he seems like he would ike to chop me up and put me in his freezer'
my second one was
'oh my gosh he is the sexiest man i have ever seen'
talk about cognitive dis.
i felt that pretty much constantly because he gave me an 'allowance' from day one and i was in a bad situation. plus he talked to me in a very childlike demeaning way, but it was disguised as love and/concern.
my GUT hurt for four years and still does now that he abandoned me.
I see where you're coming from. When the ex-Psych professor told me why he didn't like me ending phone calls, or he'd call but not answer, he'd say "I like the sound of your voice." I related this to a classmate, and this classmate said "He sounds like a serial killer." My mother was afraid the ex-P would beat me up, or leave me for dead in the ditch. He'd say things like "I like watching you cry."
He creeped me out... but I was also turned on. I didn't get it.
The ex-P was similar with me. He treated me like a child (tho he didn't have any of his own yet,and apparently the professors' kids were scared of him),and he too disguised it as care&concern. He was a teacher, after all, I was the student! If I thanked him for anything he'd say "It's what I do." But if I came to him with anything, he'd say "What now?" or "If you're so smart, why don't you do it on your own?"
It's more like shock than pining for someone. Just shock.
OMG! Mine would say "It's what I do" all the time as well! Like if I asked him to fix something and he did, I would be all thankful and sweet and affectionate to him, and he would ALWAYS say "it's what I do"!!!
That's scary!! It will take time and hard work, but when you come out of this you will be a stronger person for it.
When I first met my N, my friend took me to see his band play because she wanted me to meet him. My first thought was, "not impressed." 3 years later he had me. A friend of his asked me once what attracted me to him, and I said "his persistence."
When I fist met mine It was his piercing eyes and 'sinister' side that attracted me. The intencity he possessed was sort of scary but also hellishly attractive. I was still in love with another and thought it would just be a bit of fun. I actually changed my mind after our first date and thought him childlike and sweet. I should have listened to my first gut reaction and run for the hills, hellishly attractive or not.
Yep,first time i saw him in person was a year and a half since we started chatting and talking on Skype...me in Europe he in Tulsa Oklahoma....he came to pick me up from Tulsa International,,then was the first time we met on the flesh...he was talking to a very young Airport cleaning lady,when i called his name he looked at me with avery cold reptilian look,like search and destroy....i thought....what is going on...he was there to meet me for the first time,i did travelled 6.000 air miles to see him and he was looking at me with a very cold,hateful look like i was interrupting something....RED FLAG....2 days later he DD me,and told me that when i arrived and saw him talking to that working girl i shouldn't have aproached him,i should had wait till he was done and walked towards me.....and that after i had waited to meet him for a year and a half,and had travelled all those hours to be with him....Please read my story....too bad we cannot post pictures in here,2 days later i took a picture of him,he looked the same way as at the airport....is just like somebody else gets into his body,his eyes are really creepy,is something like he is possesssed or something....like a horroor movie,CREEPY.....
in the beginning i felt alive. i had come out of hospital in the feb[i had a bad breakdown] i met him in the march, but it didnt realy get full on till july.. and i was so in to him, then one day i said this feels like a BAD HAIR DAY, and i blamed my self. i thought well i am not feeling good, cos of the breakdown... the next thing was i was waiting to meet him and got a migraine,, i used to get them when married i hadnt had one for years..then i kept feeling sick..which resulted in me at the hospital having a camera down my throat, after by chance i happen to say to the doctor i havent had anything like this since i was married. he said so is anyone making you feel bad about yourself and stressing you... i said no. i have a male friend ,but its not him ,i realy like him.... THERE ARE NONE SO BLIND AS THOSE WHO DONT WANT TO SEE... i just didnt want to see what a terrible affect he had on me.. i was constanly getting cold sores , then i got asthma, i became as ill as i had in my marriage and i still wouldnt blame him....i am now ayear nc, and tho i have flu at the moment its not cos of him.... ... these men were so toxic for me...sometimes when i was with them i felt they hated me.... i now know it was envy and jealousy... i was everything they wanted to be!!!!.. but wouldnt ever be..
My gut had cognitive dissonance from day one.
My gut would go back and forth like this:
"Wow. I totally trust him. He is so cool. I can't believe I thought he might be a creep."
Later that same day:
"Eeek. That was really odd. I feel confused. My gut tells me he might be a mischievous liar."
Next day:
"Ah. Wow. He totally put me at ease. I was so paranoid for not trusting him."
Next day in my gut: Alarm bells.
This went on and on and on and on. I waited and waited for the final answer. Which is it? Needed to know, so kept waiting to find out the TRUTH.
Cog. diss then. Cog. diss now. Even though I know the truth now. He was a liar and did do creepy things.
I love your post because it describes my same thought processes for a year! Such a bizarre experience. Like you said, I kept waiting for the answer until I was IN LOVE and it was too late....
I don't want to get into too much detail because I don't want to think about that - I'm not ready and for me to move forward that has to be blocked for now BUT to answer your question, yes, I do recall anxiety and an ill feeling at times and I didn't know why I thought it was me...
A definite RED flag that I won't ignore if it ever happens again.
All the best.
Damn!!!!!
Intensity and "fixation"
Yes Briseis, that is why I
I thought UH OH now that is trouble!
I thought he was Gay
chickon2
Not much
Conflicted
the beginning
He was very charming and
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God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.
when I first met him
i have a good one
Fierflie
Scary
OMG! Mine would say "It's
Wow Fierflie,
I'm with you fierflie
first time i met N
Aceonelady
feelings
My gut had cognitive
Girlfriday
Pumkyn