how did you end up here

Googled "dr jekyl, mr. hyde" since I'd known him for 23 years and once we started being together 8 hours/day - started seeing this bizarre behavior. Also googled 2-faced, lying, "why do men have multiple relationships with women" - anyway - it all brought me here! bought lisa's book and everything clicked. Wish I had found it before D&D....it would have saved lots of agony and pain understanding what was happening to me and knowing that it would eventually come

A classmate of mine who went to college with me (and stayed behind to be a professor) passed away January of last year at the young age of 40. There was no mention of health problems, or anything. She simply was found dead in her sleep... and NO reasons were given for her death. No closure. During my final D&D a decade ago, I had dreamt that this classmate and I had reconciled at a class reunion. It was an incredibly vivid dream. The ex-Psych professor had ruined our burgeoning friendship, and she believed all his lies. In my dream a decade ago, she and I had forgiven each other. All very eerie when I read about her death, with all its unanswered questions. I was tempted to call the ex-P professor, whom I hadn't talked to on the phone for 11 years.... but I ended up calling other friends from college instead. As if I instinctively winced from calling him. At another messageboard, I had discussed the final D&D, and people were taken aback by how I was rejected. Narcissism was mentioned.... And I ended up here. What's weird is that 14 years ago, when the ex-P entered my life, my mother had recommended Sam Vaknin and "Romeo lies bleeding." My mother is also researching NPD on account of her mother.

well in February the year 2009, it all came crashing down, by now he was really trying to D and D me,even though he lived in another state, i had called to wish him a happy Valentine day and his voice was dripping with ugliness, i think at this time he knew i was on to him or at the very least, he did not want me standing up for myself as a separate person from him and "disobeying him". a few months went bu and i was an emotional zombie, a wreck so depressed and feeling like never felt before, I could not get over him and the ease with which he left me after 15 long years.i went on the internet and goggled narcissism and Sam Vaknin's blog and his book popped up and went and spent eh money, not cheap, because it was giving me relive to know how these monsters operate and that I had NOTHING to do with his illness, then saw Lisa's blog and read her book and corresponed with her, a life saver and so from there, I am still here, nearly 2 years later, but finally feeling relief, it has been a loooong HAUL................................

I googled "parenting with a narcissist" & found this site. My divorce atty was the first to really label my xh as a narcissist. He said my xh was the biggest Narc he had met.

I googled the quote "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" (Maya Angelou). I just wanted to know who said it, and if anyone might be out there expounding on it. That lead me to a post on here! It was Betty's post! Before this, I literally had no clue about Narcissism. I just thought my N was an A-hole. I do not believe it was an accident that I stumbled upon this site. It was supposed to happen.

The last email I got from the narc was utter word salad. One of the things he chastised me for was my sense of entitlement. It was the last thing that I ever felt, and it was the thing that made me realize that he was projecting his crap onto me. I started reading the sites and the support forums, which was what led me here.

Dr's Order's. The best advice he EVER gave me :)

I found a link on a big website/forum dedicated to cults and schemes and in general, people taking advantage of one another. There was a forum specific to exploitative relationships and I found a link to my first support forum (for domestic violence and abuse). In the next couple of years, I searched high and low and found just about all of them that I could find. Vain Forum was one of them :)

I had been out of the relationship with N for just over a year and for work reasons we have remained in contact, though I learned long ago it was in my best interest to keep all communication strictly about business so it wouldn't continue to hurt me the way it had when I still treated our situation as if he were a real friend who cared about me. After the D & D he moved to another city nearby so I haven't had to see him often and a few months ago he phoned one day 'just to say hello and see how I was". I was surprised because it had been so long since he had done that and I had stopped ever calling him unless I had to for work. We had an enjoyable conversation which gave me hope again that we were still 'friends' after all. About a week later he told me he would be coming into town and wanted to stop by to pick up some things he had left here. Silly me, I was excited about seeing him (it had been 6 months), but the day he came by he only stayed long enough to get his things and even though he was spending the night in town, he didn't care about spending any time with me, but hung out instead with a guy friend of his who I know now from the depth of the friendship is just supply for him. Keep in mind, while he lived here I was one of his only real friends and the one he considered to be the 'best'. I felt hurt and rejected again. Then a week later he called to tell me he was in town to take care of some business and wanted to drop by in half an hour for a quick visit. I got off the phone in a nervous panic and quickly prepared myself for his appearance. I called him back in half an hour and he then told me he wasn't going to come by after all because he had a couple of other things to do before heading out again and was running out of time. Not knowing about narcs, I was so confused about how he could do that to me. He knew that I missed him, he knew how much I wanted to see him and spend time with him... so knowing what he knew, I realized he must have been intentionally hurting me because he's just not that stupid. It felt like I was being tested and that he was manipulating me emotionally to find out if I still cared, so I started searching the internet using phrases such as "controlling and manipulating men in relationships", "passive aggression and control" etc. That brought me to definitions of narcs which blew me away. I began searching narcissism, found a few other forums and blogs similar to this one that eventually lead me here. THANK YOU INTERNET! Journey on...

I punched in something about a chat board or forum for victims of narcissists or something similar, and then I found this site.

I'd actually initially read about NPD at another site when I was searching for "emotional "vampire". When I read the description of a relationship with a narc (idealization, devaluing, discarding), I thought, "Whoa! This is my entire relationship with xnh. This is EXACTLY what I've lived with." It was one of those "Ah Ha!!" moments, and I started searching for anything I could find about NPD. When I googled for "Narcissistic Abuse Forum", I found this site. I agree. One click changed my life.

He told me he loved me. Twice that night - once under his breath and the other with arms outstretched in the restaurant to make sure everyone else and I heard. Later something happened that caused me to ask him why he would say that if we weren't together, etc. He said he never said it! He can count on one hand the number of people he has said it to. And if he did, he meant it as a friend, "we'll talk about it later", and he disappeared again. Who does that?!?! Something had to be majorly wrong. More than him being an asshole in that moment. That was my first experience with "crazy-making". I thought maybe he was borderline, read all the books about "walking on eggshells", passive-aggressive men. I found another board for victims of narcissists somehow through googling borderline. I couldn't believe that others had similar stories. I bookmarked it, but couldn't wrap my head around the fact that something like this would be going on with him. I didn't know anything about the pathology of narcissism at the time. There were two more rounds of apologies. His mask improved. Each time he was more the person he could tell I wanted him to be. I didn't know it was all fake. There were two more D&Ds with my finally taking a stand and going NC last winter after the last one. I had to get to the bottom of what was up with him, went back to the board I found earlier, searched some more, read more books, and found this site, Lisa's book, and her radio podcasts. FINALLY, it all made sense and having the answers allowed me to make the right decision and stay NC, although it was excrutiating.

movies with narcissist. And saw a list here on the board. Totally crazy coincident. Some weeks before, I came to the conclusion that he is a narcissist. I read about Sam Vaknin and suddenly all made sense. The list I saw here about the movies, was my saviour!

At first I googled to learn everything about Bi-Polar because he said he was diagnosed and hospitalized for it when he was as a teenager. I thought that understanding bi-polar would help me understand the manipulative and exploitative behavior. After reading as much as I could about it, it still didn't explain everything to me to the point where I could understand why he treated me the way he did. Something was still missing. It was a mutual friend of ours who explained to me that his mom is bi-polar, and while she has pretty severe interpersonal problems, she truly feels remorse when she hurts another person and she tries, albeit ineffectively, to make it up to him/her. My friend said, "there's something different about him; he doesn't play with the same deck of cards as everyone else." So I started to think about what made him different in addition to the bi-polar symptoms, the drug abuse and the immaturity. And what set him apart was the fact that he leads a pretty pathetic life however he portrays himself as an achiever; as someone to look up to and someone to be listened to. It was the giving of unsolicited advice based on his supposed adherance to strong principles (when in reality he doesn't really adhere to them at all) that made me wonder if perhaps there was something more going on than just a biological explaination. So I googled something like "male unsolicited advice" and the floodgates opened. That's what led me to NPD and personality disorders and then all of the pieces started to come together.

to why he compulsively lied and cheated. And I found out soo much more coming to this site. I found it about 2 months after I kicked him out. This site has helped me stay NC for 8 months. Thanks to everyone!

googling things, too, like: "why does my my boyfriend pretend I said things I didn't say." Or "My boyfriend doesn't care when I'm sick." At first, I found the advice or answers sites with teenagers going, "He's just not in 2 u" or "Give him some space, girl." LOL As I kept searching, after that advice made it worse and I had weirder questions to ask, I began ending up at some or other wikipedia entry for one or another BPD, the Mayo Clinic website, or here. It was a long, hard process to get from "Gee, I think he's gone off the idea of marriage" or "Maybe I'm pressuring him" to "OMG he's a freaking psychopath." A really long, really hard process. I think often about all the women (and men) out there suffering today, thinking, "What did I do wrong?" "Why isn't he happy anymore?" and just starting to look for simple "relationship advice." I hope they find the truth faster than I did.

what I Googled, but whatever it was, glad I found this place. I had no idea. I thought I was gullable, stupid, and suffered from low self-esteem. Really worthless, woke up every morning, not wanting to die exactly, but not wanting to live either. Much better now, but not great yet!