How the cowardly Narc carries out his abuse

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#1 Dec 29 - 8PM

dulcinea441

How the cowardly Narc carries out his abuse

While some narcs resort to physical violence and intimidation, most prefer to carry out their abuse via more subtle tactics like gaslighting, projection, verbal cruelty, manipulation, and running hot and cold in their emotions so that you live your life on shifting sands, forever trying to maintain that impossible balance.

To put it metaphorically, they hand US the knife and sit back and watch, with great amusement, as we plunge it into ourselves again and again and again. In this way they are able to walk away with no blood on their hands, claiming innocence, making us look like the unstable ones, even as our hearts bleed and our lives fall apart.

You deserve to live and to know that your life is sacred and valuable. In other words, STOP taking the dagger from him or her, STOP hurting yourself. Walk away from the covert, cowardly killer. STOP ACCEPTING THE KNIFE.

#2 Jan 2 - 12AM

Isabella B

Hurting self

I've been hurting my self - negative thoughts and self talk. I am now beginning to not just see the lies and betrayal, but to FEEL and KNOW it. I didn't even trust myself anymore. I have been in doubt in the past couple of weeks - CD kicked back in, in high gear, but after reading some responses to his behaviors, which back me up, then I feel validated. It's sick, the mind control - I did not even trust my own thoughts and opinions. I still need to work, but I KNOW now that I will get past this and I AM SO GLAD HE IS OUT OF MY LIFE. He's sick and I let him control my thoughts, even well after the D&D. I was so AFRAID of him and his sick opinions. I see it now - and I KNOW he is awful, just awful. And the OW? I don't care now. Thank you for posting and sharing...it helps so much reading all these comments and stories. I feel validated and it helps with my healing as with yours. Stay strong and be well.

#3 Dec 31 - 12PM

fallingfoward

I agree

Yes, Yes ,Yes!!!! I ended up looking like the crazy one. I was the one driving to his house, driving to his work to see if he's working. He told me he wasn't working because he is in treatment for his cancer. Of course, he was at work. I course, I look like the crazy one. Sick of all of it. Lies, lies, lies!!! Who even knows if he has cancer! I am so ready to move on with my life.

#4 Dec 31 - 11AM

susnebraska

All We Wanted Was 2 B Loved~

Bgirl - I agree. All we wanted was to be loved. That's how I feel. I genuinely loved him, and would do about anything for him. To come to the realization that Sex and everything else was about him...hurts bad. Purely sexually speaking, it was the best sex I ever had. So, I got confused. I thought "it must be meant to be?" After learning he cheated on me after 5 years, I realized that sex was just sex with him. Nothing special. It's hard to fathom, but true. So sad.

#5 Jan 2 - 3AM (Reply to #13)

bgirl

Susnebraska it is truly just

Susnebraska it is truly just what you said...sad. I am literally sad pretty much the whole time I'm awake and I dream about this person too. Then today I read a post about triangulation which I had never heard of..he did this to a T...the scenarios he set up were almost unable to be comprehended. My counsellor even gave me a suggestion to set him ip so I get could some of the proof I needed and wham....she was right on the money. So I know I was a sick game for him but he wasn't for me and I really wonder how long this grieving state is going to continue for?? Driving me crazy!

#6 Dec 31 - 10AM

star17

I felt such comfort reading

I felt such comfort reading your post...seriously noone seems to understand the type of control my x has over me...for 3 years he has manipulated me off and on over and over...kept me totally off balance and all the while he tells people i won't leave him alone...when i guess in a sense it's true but he has set it up so that i am the crazy one...he is just an innocent guy trying to move on...how did i let this happen? i often wonder if i'm crazy or if i am off balance but i honestly don't think i am...my therapist has told me that it's the abusive relationship that is keeping me this way...how do they do this?! how do they make a sane person look insane? how does he have such control over me and how did i let it happen?! it is so frustrating...it's as if he knows i can't stop being in his life so he is free and clear to tell everyone how nuts i am and how i can't let go yet he is constantly setting up scenarios to send me into the trap...ugh!

#7 Dec 30 - 11AM

alicat

That's exactly what I was

That's exactly what I was doing! Letting the knife stab me over and over while he watched in glory! I hope none of us go through this horrible addictive abuse again!

#8 Dec 30 - 10AM

onwithmylife

dulcinea

this is so true, they are so cowardly like my exnarc leaving and never coming back for all his stuff i was storing for him, never a thank you and when I saw him a month or so ago by accident all he could do was accuse me of cheating on him, so untrue, but he is like an obsessed man and said it twice, he has to be right at all cost so he will not look within himself.

#9 Dec 29 - 11PM

nomoredenial

I have just been realizing that I think i m still caught in

his web. I need to work it out in my head because I am feeling pretty confused, scared to write here . ahhhhh I think I am dealing with a Psychopath

#10 Dec 29 - 11PM

nomoredenial

I have just been realizing that I think i m still caught in

his web. I need to work it out in my head because I am feeling pretty confused, scared to write here . ahhhhh I think I am dealing with a Psychopath

#11 Dec 29 - 9PM

Laughs Last (not verified)

Well, this post did it

Powerful enough to fire up my resolve - your words were perfect and hit a spot like you would not believe. I read this post and fumed to myself "THAT SCUMBAG" - its exactly what he did. Thank you - I'm embroidering this one on a pillow. Lol

#12 Dec 29 - 9PM

bgirl

This is the best post I've

This is the best post I've read on here to date....so so true. He had such a way to manipulate the situation so he could repeat what I had said at some point and I ALWAYS came out looking like the bad one. He was still the martyr 'trying' to understand me..... All they need is themselves and a mirror... All we wanted is to loved.... Bgirl

#13 Dec 29 - 8PM

blueworld

i love this

hey girl i havent heard from you in so long! this is a really good post seriously if we take a literal look at it its like the trinity killer in dexter season four that made that woman make her own choice to jump off the building to her death by causing her fear and anxiety that it was her only option. he never pushed her, she ....let go

#14 Dec 29 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

dulcinea441

That's another fitting

That's another fitting analogy, blueworld! Why do we allow ourselves to become our own executioners? For LOVE??? We know what they are -- they are soul-killers who are too cowardly to carry out the dirty work themselves. Amazing how willing we are to take the instruments of torture from them and administer the beating to ourselves. Why don't we value ourselves more? Why do we value them in their cruelty over our own lives? We have to stop taking the knife from them -- they will continue to offer it as long as we are willing to accept it. Hugs, D.

#15 Jan 2 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

susnebraska

Wound is Deep

We don't allow ourselves to become "our own executioners" as you said Dulcinea411. The problem is we are nice, nurturing, naive women who were sucked in by a conman. Don't blame yourself, as if you deserved it. Don't blame yourself. Learn from the bad experience with the NARC. We are all lost for some time after dating the NARC who has destroyed our self-esteem. Everything I did he took credit for. Without him, he thinks I would be nothing. Funny thing is, the NARC wouldn't be where he is today in business, without my hand in it. So, it's the opposite of what he claimed. My career talents have zero to do with him. I earned them on my own. He has nothing to do with my business success. As a typical NARC, he does not see it that way. Whatever, I say. Loser. They take everything from us. Tangible and intangible. Yes, recovery takes time. I am 5 months out and still suffer from triggers quite often, which show up in my nightmares filled with metaphors. I have trouble with all the men in my life, it seems. From my father, who is loving but can be mean, in part due to his Alzheimer's. My brother is an assclown. My ex-husband is the ultimate abuser via the court system, trying to run me out of money, by taking me to court for every little thing, like taking a vacation out of the country with our daughter. he takes me to court costing me $1,000 each time. He abuses through his family money. Many male clients are total jerks, too. It seems the world is filled with MALE ASSCLOWNS. Then, when I meet a guy, who is interested in me, they each seem to be personally disturbed, too. Manipulative. I do not trust men, at this time. No, I won't go lesbian, that ain't my style. No Way. I still have some faith and hope that there is a good, decent man out there for me. But, I admit, I am 100% not certain. My experiences with a lot of men over the years, has been mostly a mixed bag of assclowns. Is there something about me that attracts NARCS? Looking inward, and talking to my counselor and friends, I am an easy target, because I am so nice and trusting. One thing that feels better is to empower yourself. Block them from texting, phoning, emailing you (if possible) and on Facebook. Do you really want this abuser in your life? NO WAY. He sucked the life out of you. Contact = Extreme Pain and Anxiety. Do yourself a favor, and continue to seek help from a counselor, from your doctor in terms of anti-depressants, exercise, talking it out with friends, and don't obsess about this site or keep reading over and over about why they do this. This site has been a great source to vent, and seek peer-to-peer support. But give yourself some time off from reading about Narcissism, and work on bettering you. That's the only advice I have - advice given to me from my counselor. Set goals for yourself in your career. Your health. Do something that makes you happy in 2012. No one said it would be a quick recovery from a narcissist. It's not. We're dealing with Post Traumatic Disorder. Don't take the knife any longer. Cut him out of your life completely. Best wishes, I know it's hard, I just awakened today after a night of nightmares, including me being kidnapped in that dream. that's why I am here today, to vent. But I have work to do today, and I pledge to step away from thinking about this, and getting to work. you have many friends here to talk to. Hugs, Susnebraska

#16 Dec 29 - 9PM (Reply to #3)

blueworld

cheers!

yep blown away by the support love and healing i have recieved in such a short time here dont know where id be without it and some of you i even text =)

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