HOW COULD HE HAVE WALKED AWAY FROM SOMETHING SO GOOD??!!

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#1 Apr 11 - 10PM

Arwen

HOW COULD HE HAVE WALKED AWAY FROM SOMETHING SO GOOD??!!

Oh please someone help me. This is the million dollar question. It was so amazing what we had - what we always had even as kids. How can he just be silent and let this go??? It's going to kill me this pain

#2 Apr 12 - 11AM

Arwen

Oh thank you guys...thank you

Oh thank you guys...thank you thank you. I am beginning to feel better now and less stuck. Feeling my anger over his hatred of women now - FINALLY FINALLY!!!

#3 Apr 12 - 8AM

helldweller

patiencegoal

Our relationship, in reality, SUCKED BIG BALLS LOL But I know where you're coming from. I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried. They just don't want what we have to offer. I honestly don't think they care. They will take garbage as long as they don't have to commit to it. Perfect example: My daughters and I used to spend Sundays on the narc's broat with him and his brother. We had such a great time. I packed these incredible spreads, with a huge gourmet lunch, liters of vodka and mixers, and a grill and steaks and all the trimmings to make dinner on the beach. We went tubing and swam and came home late in the evening. The narc and his brother said: "We have not had so much fun on the boat since we were kids. It makes such a difference having someone to share it with and to have kids along." The SECOND he got his foster child, we were never allowed on the boat again. They now had a kid to bring with so they didn't need my daughters and me anymore. What did they pack to take with them when the three of them went? Three bottles of water and a bag of chips. So there was basically no food, certainly no cocktails, no beautiful woman in a bikini lol and no one for the child to play with. It was basically them on the boat, drinking bottled water and smoking and letting the kid drive the boat in circles. He didn't care. Sure it was nice when we were there, but it was EASIER when we weren't.

#4 Apr 12 - 10AM (Reply to #28)

Arwen

wow bastards. They are the

wow bastards. They are the lowest of the low aren't they? MIne was like that too.

#5 Apr 12 - 5AM

candy

ME TOO

I am also in the silence of my narc, 6 weeks long now, never been this long before,so i think its the final abandonment .... I know how painful it is believe me ! ... and just the same as you,we had such a wonderful relationship, that he has now forgotten all about ..... (UNBELIEVEABLE ISNT IT!) ... i feel for you .. CANDY XX.

#6 Apr 12 - 10AM (Reply to #26)

Arwen

Thanks Candy. I'm just in so

Thanks Candy. I'm just in so much shock right now I guess. I should have known his promises were empty. It's just such shock.

#7 Apr 12 - 3AM

gettinbetter

They can walk away because

They can walk away because they were never there in the first place. These relationships are only as good as we make them. They do a few little charming things in the beginning and we hold on to that part of the relationship for dear life and dismiss or make excuses for their bad behavior because we don't want to give up that fairy tale. Was it really amazing? When I think about that if I'm being honest I would have to say no. I am basing the amazing factor on a few amazzing times in the begining the remainder of the relationship was pure misery. I was constantly trying to hoplessly get back my prince but he never did come back. Once in a bluemoon he would show up for a cameo spot and then he would immediately gone again. It was only as good as the fantasy I held on to in my mind. If I remove that from the equation it was horrible. I don't like to see horrible so I choose to go back to the fantasy

#8 Apr 12 - 11AM (Reply to #19)

jen79

amen

He was never yours, was never there in the first place. Thats why he could "walk away". And also true. Remove the fantasy from the equation and all what is left is a nighmare. You were the one who tried to turn hell into heaven. When you give up, all you will see is the hell. Nothing of it was real. He condemned you from day 1.

#9 Apr 12 - 11AM (Reply to #20)

Arwen

Jen

Yes he did condemn me from day one. I say it twice a week to my therapist - that from the moment he laid eyes on my FB pics he started the whole pursuit of me for one reason and one reason alone - to devalue the hell out of me. I NEED to look at how angry he is at women and how I know he feels - "You are not allowed to be smart, successful, funny, talented, LOVED by other people". I believe he feels women simply are not allowed to be better.

#10 Apr 12 - 12PM (Reply to #21)

gettinbetter

Yes! I was pursued day 1 with

Yes! I was pursued day 1 with the intent to devalue me. He was pissed off that I had gone on to live a happy normal life. He was pissed that I made him look bad in that I'm still with my husband and not on husband 2 3 or 4 and he has never married to him that is like me screaming at him IT WASN'T ME IT WAS YOU! There it was in black and white for all of our mutual friends and the world to see. In fact that is the only reason I think that it may be possible that he is getting married which I mostly doubt but if he is its all in an effort to appear normal to everyone. It will all depend if he is willing to risk losing half his shit in a divorce that he knows will come. He's a pretty greedy and selfish mofo I don't really see him taking that risk at age 44

#11 Apr 12 - 12PM (Reply to #22)

Arwen

SOI

Yep...I am guessing mine may be marrying the OW who looks like the bottom of my foot with eyes but makes a really nice salary, which he OF COURSE told me all about, complaining to me once that he took her out to dinner and she got upset later because (HE says) she ended up paying for the appetizers cause he had gotten up for some reason right when the waiter was paying the bill and he had added the appetizers on to the bill and someone had to pay it. He told me "I said to her, big deal, you only make 80k a year". YEAH, BULLS--T. All for her money. But getting back to original point of devaluing from the first moment of contact - that I believe is the main reason for contact. How DARE we be successful!!!!!!!!

#12 Apr 13 - 12AM (Reply to #23)

gettinbetter

pg

You know what you should have said ... quit bragging like 80k is a lot of money because by todays standards it really isn't and that's the truth pg you wouldn't be liying. Its an ok salary but isn't anything.to write home about. You are a stay at home mom right now am I correct?

#13 Apr 13 - 8PM (Reply to #24)

Arwen

soi

oh you don't have to tell me - you are so right! and that makes him ditching her with the bill even more of an asshole! I happen to know she supports two teenagers as well. I am at home and sometimes working looking to go back to work soon.

#14 Apr 12 - 10AM (Reply to #18)

Arwen

SOI

Yes you are right and as you well know I post a lot about how he aint all that. Of course I know that. But there were such great moments, hours, and the intensity of those moments seemed to supercede anything else. It was also our shared history, the chemistry, humor. He didn't make that up. He has a sense of humor. That was not an illusion. Making love to him was not an illusion.

#15 Apr 12 - 7AM (Reply to #15)

Goldie

I agree with Sickofit

Relationships are about how we feel and what we do. These are our perceptions and no one can take that away from us; if we felt good and we put our all into it. "These relationships are only as good as we make them." The relationship felt good and seemed good because those are your feeling. I cannot stress this enough. You loved, you cared, you were invested. What he perceived is his deal. These men are the great pretenders, the great manipulators, the great conmen. They do not feel the same way we do, they are incapable of this for any length of time. I have spoken with many PD men about this. They mostly all agree that in the beginning they have high hopes, they want the relationship to work and they put their all into it. The problem lies in the fact that they do not know how to maintain or sustain any type of normalcy past the honeymoon stage. This is why they are always on the prowl for new supply. At the first hint of trouble; they are already thinking about the big bolt out the door. They hang on and bide their time, until THEY are ready to go. They may come back when supply is low and this is not because they love you so much, this is because they cannot stand to be alone and they like the attention. They do not feel the same way we do; never did; never will. This is what is so difficult for us to wrap our brains around because in the beginning it SEEMS so great for us. Their attention span is for the high at the beginning; not the duration and the hard work at maintaining the relationship. Goldie

#16 Apr 13 - 8PM (Reply to #17)

strongerthanever

Goldie, the last paragraph is

Goldie, the last paragraph is dead-on and my exN pattern for many, many years! More validation that I am not crazy or psycho! As he warmly likes to describe me to others.

#17 Apr 12 - 9AM (Reply to #16)

JLMNY1

Goldie!

Goldie I'm new here and I love your posts. They always give me such a great perspective on things and are so similar to what I felt. My exN did all of this word for word. He put EVERYTHING into our relationship at the beginning-and it was all him. I was the cautious one (he had just moved out of his ex Wife's house) and at first was just an emotional outlet. But we made the "emotional connection" and he pushed everything. We were long distance, and our main goal was for when I finished grad school (I'm 34 but went back to school when I was 32) I would move to his city and move in with him. Our honeymoon stage was the entire long distance relationship. Once I moved in, it was a whole different story. The real Narc came out. He hung on to our relationship for 3 months, and when hewas ready to end it, he did so. Also fitting the bill- he hung on to me until his separation agreement kicked in. It kicked in on the 1st of Feb, and, big surprise, I was out by the end of February. My purpose was filled.

#18 Apr 12 - 3AM

dudette

it makes no sense PG

and it is not meant to. When My XN and I split, he acknowledged that he was genuinely afraid of the happiness that we could have had, he admitted that his feelings for OW were based on "Guilt" over the last discard and not real, he told me that what we had was perfect in many ways and the reasons why he had doubts were about his own insecurities.... In a funny kind of way, he spared me a whole lotta heartache along the road but I will never know whether it was cynical or there was a genuine moment of consciousness in there... OW is much much more docile and likely to stay in the bullshit.... I never indulged him as he said and always called hom on his crap...in fact to this day, I have not a hint of anything negative he ever said about me... go figure....however, I have no illusion of what he was.... and then? classic, PG he did the can we still have sex? well no, sorry.....I cannot help you here.... It just makes no sense PG because they do not think like we do....

#19 Apr 12 - 10AM (Reply to #13)

Arwen

p.s. about his mother

...he also told me his mother was "crazy" when I asked about her. As in mental illness.

#20 Apr 12 - 10AM (Reply to #12)

Arwen

Dudette

My narc lost his mother when he was a boy and I know that hurt ran very deep for him and caused a lot of fear of being left in him. He told me once in a strange moment "you brought my mother back". I was the only Jewish girl I think he ever dated and he is Jewish, but his ex wife was Catholic and every other woman he had romances with. The Judaism part of it was very important to him I could see - his father speaks fluent Yiddish and wrote several very famous Jewish kosher cookbooks. I always felt, even when I was a teenager with him, that he was insecure around me, and I would see it in his face and body language, and that he was scared I would leave. In fact he said to me "you're going to leave me like every other girl"? He has so much confusion about who he is. G-d I just love him so much I am sitting in a pool of tears.

#21 Apr 12 - 8AM (Reply to #10)

ifinallygotit

dudette

Mine used to try to tell me he did not feel things the same way I did when I would tell him how much I loved him and how much it had deepened over the years. he would say yeah I love you too but its nothing like how you feel - I jus did not understand then that they don't attach (yet he is over attached to his sister and mother before she died).

#22 Apr 12 - 8AM (Reply to #11)

onwithmylife

ifinallygotit

You hit the nail on the head, over attahcment, over meshment with the mother, espically as a little toddler and younger, is what laid the groundwork for his NPD disorder. My ex narc had such issues with his mother,must have been love and hate at the same time, she smothered,doted on him and I do not think loved him for Him, if you get my drift, he never got unconditional love for who he is from her, she was supposedly narcissistic herself, from what his first wife told me.she also wanted a girl as she already ahhad a boy many years earlier, all that can really mess with your psychic and become part of your personality and hence the disorder,horribly sad.

#23 Apr 11 - 11PM

strongerthanever

I've asked myself the same

I've asked myself the same question because damn it, I'm a catch! What was told to me was this: 1. I could see too clearly into what he didn't want to see about himself. He could not defend himself in front of me. 2. He was afraid of me. Afraid I would continue to expose him. 3. I had all the power and he knew it. Even though he tried to convince me and I actually believed it for a while but he needed someone he could control better. 4. He had to move on because I ended it anyway the minute I exposed the true N. Just know the pain you are feeling is the process of coming back alive. It's a gift that he is gone. He knows he is shit and that is why he is no longer with you. He felt the fear and vulnerability and knew he was not being good so, he had to walk away. He did you a huge favor.

#24 Apr 12 - 4PM (Reply to #7)

sunny 523

Thank you so much for this.

Thank you so much for this. I really believe that's why my ex-n left me. He couldn't justify his actions to me. I saw right through him. :(

#25 Apr 12 - 6PM (Reply to #8)

Arwen

Mer569

Yeah...some things you just can't blame on your co-workers, can you. He told me he was going to tell me about indictment "when he got to know me better". WHAT???? He's known me since I'm 14 and I'm 44 for F--'s sake! How much better can you know someone? Screw me for a month, romance me and committ to me verbally for two months before that, and a friend of mine has to tell me about this from articles he found on the web??? Thanks a lot for your honesty, narc.

#26 Apr 12 - 11AM (Reply to #6)

Arwen

Stronger

Well the end did start to come when I found out he was indicted. How could he face me after that. He could have actually because I openly took him in even after I found out.

#27 Apr 12 - 6AM (Reply to #4)

onwithmylife

strongerthanever for you

this is a GREAT, ALL so true, we went along fine off and on for 15 years UNTIL I sent him a letter to try and get the relationship on equal footing and ask him why it was always about his wants, needs, what about me, see now I was speaking out of line, he could not handle looking at himself and when I asked who is the common denominator of your 5 failed relationships, he exploded onto ME.He does know even in the deep recesses of his mind that he is shit and garbage and nuts too boot, he even said to me once,' I am nuts aren't I?'Also he is afraid of women,he even told me that a long time ago and mentioned his first wife and one of his daughters.My exnarc did need someone as long as he could control them and now I think he realized he was losing control over me, as a result of what i said in my letter. That post of yours is brilliant.To me it all boils down that he either WILL NOT or CANNOT, maybe both, LOOK WITHIN HIMSELF, would you agree?

#28 Apr 12 - 11PM (Reply to #5)

strongerthanever

Definately! If my N was to

Definately! If my N was to really look at himself, he will see his father. And the times when he was so depressed and wanted to kill himself, he most likely then would if he really did admit to all that he has done. You know when we do something bad, how horrible it makes us feel. We start lashing out to people UNTIL we confess and ask for forgiveness, right? The weight is lifted and we feel better getting it off our chest. Not these guys. They just carry it and refuse to admit their wrongs. He lives with the horrible shame and guilt every day. Until he can take ownership and turn things around, it will kill him, one way or another.

#29 Apr 12 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

TLSM

WOW!

@strongerthanever -What you wrote was amazing. I am copying it and pasting it! @Patiencegoal,I hear you! Stick to this board. Private Message michele115 about your fears. She has saved me and I feel stronger today because of her and all you guys. If it wasn't for this board...I would be so, so lost. My CD is slowly becoming one entity vs being split (dealing with the pretend him and real evil him). The one entity-the truth, is I'm clearly seeing that he is a bastard and always has been long before me and will long after! At 48 years old- on TOP of him being disordered,he will NEVER change and hurt every woman he gets involved with and will end up dying alone. That is what I am starting to see and you will too. I have never gotten support like this here and I can bet you haven't either. Thank you Lisa and Michele!!!

#30 Apr 12 - 11AM (Reply to #3)

Arwen

TLSM

Thank you...I too could not live right now without these boards. The depth of my grief is just starting to surface and I am so grateful I have a place to come to talk about it. So grief-stricken. But I will not call him. He was silent the last time I tried. NEVER AGAIN.

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