Hopeless in PA's Story

My Story

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the message board and stumbled across this site by doing a Google search on a topic "mother enmeshed men." At one point, there was a post about this on Lisa's website. So, here I am. I am hoping that you'll be understanding and if my story doesn't fit here, please let me know. I apologize for this being long.

I'm a 40 year-old woman who met who I thought was the love of my life about a year and a half ago. It was after many bad dates. We belonged to the same dating agency. The night before, I had a date with a man who used me as a sound off board about his ex-wife. Check please. The next night, I didn't expect much. But, I was wrong. "W" was 6'5", and fit the profile of tall, dark and handsome. You could tell he was a little nervous but there was something about him I really liked. He was telling me he liked to travel, had his pilot's license, had a jet-ski, ATV, etc. Liked doing different things (all the while not bragging at all) and had a good sense of humor. Oh, yeah, one little detail, he still lived at home with his parents. He was 47 at the time and me 39. Now, I am 40 and he is 49. Anyway, his parents are in their early 80's and he is an only child (like me - only my parents are deceased). Things were wonderful in the beginning. He swept me off my feet - took me on a few day trips, including one to see Christmas lights, fixed my old car, fixed my furnace, helped me get rid of old junk, hand-raked stone in my driveway. You name it, he did it. We met in October 2011. He met my family at Thanksgiving and came up again at Christmas. I met his parents and went to a Christmas party at a relative's home. He told me he wanted to get married and have kids and was so glad to have found me because other women just wanted to date and not have a relationship or was turned off by his living situation. Remember all of that for later. I wasn't turned off because I figured he had a life outside of home from what he told me he liked to do. He did have a full-time job with the same employer for over 20 + years. So, we were becoming intimate but I told him I wanted to wait to have sex. He seemed OK with it. I asked him to stay over on New Year's Eve and here is where things began to turn. He said he had to call his mother because she would give him hell. He called her and apparently he got hell. Oh boy. Little by little, things started going downhill. He would get phone calls from his mother and father all the time we were on dates. He would never answer the phone but told me they do this all the time. They wait up for him, as late as 2 in the morning, etc. Once, his mother flicked the lights on the porch when we pulled in the driveway at midnight. They would constantly tell him he only cared about himself, he didn't do enough around the house, dressed wrong, etc. He told me his mother never approved of anyone he dated. For about a month or so when we would get together, he would barely kiss me. I finally asked what was wrong in March of last year and he said things weren't working out. He had needs and wants and they weren't being met ( later he tells me he hadn't had them met in years). I said I needed him to stay overnight but he said he couldn't because his mother would give him hell and basically said I should be more understanding. He now started taking on side work on the weekend and sometimes I didn't see him for a whole week because he promised this guy he would finish the job. One job turned into many. About 2 months later, in fact 1 year ago today, he broke up with me, saying he didn't want to drag me into his family's problems and that he now didn't want to get married or have kids. They would cost too much money and he didn't have the patience and he should have gotten married and had kids in his 20's. He told me to find "a rich doctor." I was devastated. About a month later, I decided to call him and he sounded happy to get my call. After a few more calls, we began hanging out again, going on his jet-ski (not a big fan but I tried because I know he liked it)took me to different states and to Canada. But, you would think if we went away, the parents, namely the mother wouldn't interfere. Wrong. She constantly called and he became upset and agitated after hanging up with them and then would take it out on me. He told me during a Labor Day vacation that we were going to have to go home a day early because his mother "needed a break." Then she changed her mind. My mind was spinning. We were supposed to go on a bike ride the next day and he decides to call up an acquaintance because he was afraid the guy would be mad if he saw him there and didn't call him. He later took off with the guy and left me behind, not knowing where I was, even though he said he told me where to meet him. Later on, I flipped on him in front of the guy - he said I embarrassed him. All the while, he is telling me he didn't see us having a future. We continued to see each other and do things and he became sweet again during the holidays and surprised me by taking me to Christmas light displays and my college alma mater that I haven't been back to in over 15 years. The weekend before Christmas, he grabbed me in his car and kissed me and held me and the next day made out on my couch. I thought we were slowly getting back together. That all came crashing to a a halt on Christmas - I had to work and my family was away - so he said he would pick me up and go to Denny's. We get to Denny's after 20 minutes and out pops his friend from high school from the back seat. I had no idea he was there. I told "W" after that if he wanted this to be one of my worst Christmases, he suceeded beyond his wildest dreams. I wanted to be alone with him. He said he brought his friend along to help put together my gift. After I asked what is was, he said he wasn't going to tell me. And never did. He became mad at me for my reaction. I even said if he told me his friend was coming along. I wouldn't have been thrilled but what he did was the worst possible thing. He told me he thought I was easygoing. What? We had two more outings and that has been it. We talked on the phone and that has become less and less. He told me (after I had discussions with him that relationships take work and we have to talk) that relationships should just flow and we shouldn't have had conversations like we did. He wants to have an easygoing life. I gave him so much leeway. There is more to mention here but I won't because I don't even know if this will all make it online.

I am still having a tough time with this - he told me in March he began seeing someone else who wanted to go on "hold" a.k.a. steady and that she was excited but he wasn't excited about anything anymore. His words, not a ringing endorsement and I have a reason to believe it wasn't serious. I am still in love with him - I know you are all shaking your heads now. I have the book "When He's Married To Mom" by Dr. Kenneth Adams and he fits the criteria. Despite all of this, my head knows, ok, yeah, "STOP" but my heart is still in limbo and would still love for things to work out somehow, someway, a miracle, an epiphany but I know the seas would probably have to part. I am very, very, very sorry for this being so long but I had to get this out and I have probably driven everyone else nuts. I do believe he meets narcissist criteria along with his mother. I am heartbroken. Thanks for listening!