Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark

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#1 Jan 13 - 7PM
newlifeway
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Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark

"A man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself."
Proverbs 6:32

I have such concern and worry for my children and what is to come with the ending of my marriage. I awake each day and they are my strength and motivation to not dwell in my heartache, not to lay in bed in grief or fall into depression. They are the reason I am able to go on in my day to day duties and still smile - just for them, it is a genuine smile. When they were born, each child brought so much love into my life, each one expanded my heart more and more. Nothing feels the same for me except for the deep love for them and desire to protect them. I pray so often God will guide me to do what is best for their future. I pray God will help them through this in His own way, that they will not blame me for divorcing their Dad, because they are simply too young to understand what has happened. And my heart hurts for me too because I have retained my attorney and I have begun the divorce process.

I have not shared any of this with him. I will not inform him of my plans and he will not be consulted. Once he leaves the home, all communication will be through the attorney or 3rd party. He will not be allowed direct communication with me. The divorce papers will be surprise to him because he assumes I will consult him on my plans. He will find himself in a different world of his own making now. I will no longer be available to communicate with a liar. I am seeking full custody and want him removed from the home. I know this will be painful for my kids, but I am certain this is what is necessary now. I can't stand being in the same home with him, even rooms away, I hate running into him in the hall and cooking meals that he eats. I never join in the meals , but these are the last meals my kids have with their father and I will let them have the few that are left. I cry for me and them, I know this will be so hard for them to understand because their father has devastated me too!!

Thank you all so much for your heartfelt comments and concern for me and my family. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

My Mother read the majority of the book of evidence of the affair and I have sworn I will not go back and review this since it is so painful. I can not change what happened, I have to turn my back on him in every way. This evidence is overwhelming supportive in my favor for the divorce and custody issues and my attorney feels confident that I will get what I am asking for, along with child support.

I will leave it to him to tell his own story, I will not be explaining this to fiends or his family, if I am asked, I will tell them to give him a call and ask him, he can speak for himself.

I want him to leave our home!! I resent every part of his being, his clothing, anything of his I just want to toss in the trash. I contain my urges of petty vengeful acts. He has called my cell phone 5 times today and I will not answer to him again. I did not even check to hear what he had to say in his voice mails. I just don't care, I am no longer available to him. I have left our room, and moved all my clothes from the closet. I took everything out of my bed side table. He has no idea until he goes to sleep tonight that I have left our room. I will tell the kids that Daddy's snoring keeps mommy awake all night and so I have so sleep in the other room.

I will not go in circles tying to understand or figure out the why of his poor choices, it is a waste. He did not love me or my children enough or the family we created to control himself or to live up to the standards he boasted so much that he possessed. He is a fraud. He is unworthy of us. And, we are better off without him in our lives.

Blessings to you all.
Thank you so much for letting me share here, your concern, caring and prayers.

"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let
God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
Then you will learn to know
God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."
Romans 12:2

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:27

Jan 14 - 1AM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

NLW

Thinking of you and praying for you and the children as you go through the upcoming days.
Jan 14 - 12AM
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

The way you are making such a

The way you are making such a clear decision instead of going back and forth will surely help the kids, the healing can begin right awys. I admire you for being so strong in the face of something so heartbreaking. Hang in there and take care
Jan 13 - 8PM
Stillstanding
Stillstanding's picture

I've read your other posts.

I've read your other posts. I'm so sorry you're going through such a horrible ordeal. It sounds like you are a great mother, wife, and person all around. You're handling this with incredible strength. Keep hanging in there. I truly believe God never gives us more than we can handle.
Jan 13 - 8PM
under his thumb
under his thumb's picture

I am pretty close to where

I am pretty close to where you are! And I believe whole-heartedly that my children will understand why I have done what I have done! They have to see the change in me when he is not around and the stress and unease he put me through when he attempts to be around. I know in my heart I am making the right choice for them. They do not deserve a shell of a woman as a mother! What kind of an impression would that make on their future? I want them to understand that life is too short to be unhappy! It is a tough road we face...but our children and our sanity are worth it!! I am currently trying to figure out how to find the funds for an attorney. I secretly saved up for a separation agreement only to be told it is no good unless he will agree to it...which he will not! One day at a time and the answers will come...we have made it this far :-) have to keep moving forward!! You can do this!
Jan 13 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
newlifeway
newlifeway's picture

the children

are 3,6, and 9 it is just they are so young and that is why I struggle with how they will take it , they will not know the real reason for a very, very long time, but they have a new sibling on the way and there are just so many things I don't know how to explain. I don't need all the answers now, but this is what I worry most about. Their adjustment and their heart ache, not really understanding....losing the mommy/daddy in their lives, losing the family unit we had. It will be an adjustment for us all. Thank you so much.
Jan 13 - 8PM
strong_enough
strong_enough's picture

I am impressed with the

I am impressed with the strength you exude so soon after your awareness of the reality of your situation. One of my co-workers shared a book with me that you may find helpful. I was able to purchase it at a local Christian book store: "Shattered Vows" by Debra Laaser. There are some remarkable similarities in this woman's story to your own. She was the wife of a pastor who had multiple affairs and the church found out about it. She was blindsided with the info. one day when her husband showed up with other church leaders to confront her. It is good because it helps you understand it and gives you choices about how to proceed with working things out or divorce. I read this book prior to having the knowledge of my ex being a NARC so it was part of my journey to recovery; but the knowledge was helpful to me working on myself and my healing. Blessings to you and your family.
Jan 13 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
newlifeway
newlifeway's picture

shattered

I am strong for my kids and get strength from them and my family. I was crushed initially when he told me that he cheated and she was pregnant. It was not until recently I was told who and what exactly went on. I figured she was a mature woman, not a high schooler. The pain is so intense I feel I have to keep it pent up, because when I do cry and let it out, it is all consuming. I felt as if he could of never loved me or the kids to of continued on with her, to have a baby and then embrace her and protect her the way he did. I have never been so crushed. But knowing now to the extent of this inappropriate relationhship has disgusted me, and that disgust has made it easy to turn my back on him. I find his actions disgusting and deplorable. He has a child on the way with her, I feel me and our children have been betrayed by him. He did not value the family he already had, and I don't understand it, and I won't try. I know in my bones, we are done.
Jan 13 - 7PM
bgirl
bgirl's picture

You are very strong. You are

You are very strong. You are very brave. You will no doubt, be rewarded with peace someday. Wishing you all the best xx Bgirl