Hoover Attempt?

I'm pretty sure that what happened yesterday with my XN was a hoover attempt. After three months of NC and filing a complaint with my employer about N harassing me on the job (we work at the same company), N showed up on my front porch yesterday afternoon unannounced.

I went out onto the front porch as he got out of his truck because I live on a busy highway, and I wanted any contact with him to be VERY public. I started the conversation with "What do you want?" and got the usual "We need to talk" response (always a bad sign in my book). I said, "We have nothing to talk about".

Apparently he wanted to cry and whine because his druggie oldest daughter is pregnant by a gang member and just got fired again (7th time now), his life is "ruined" because "she" broke up our marriage, and he doesn't have any money because of his huge debts. Of course, all this would be someone elses fault...it's usually me but this time around apparently he's using his daughter as his scapegoat. He just loves me SOOOOO much, but is going to move away to get away from his hideous daughter, and he'll have to spend the rest of his life never seeing me again because he was such a "horrible husband" (I'll agree with him about the horrible husband part). Basically I feel he wanted a pity party about his sorry lot in life with me in attendance. Barf.

I told N I thought he should move away as soon as possible, and get his own life in whatever form he chooses because he has nothing here. I also told him I think we need a permanent break from each other's lives, because I'm moving on with my own. N and his drama are not going to be in my future. He left at about this point, still weepy and crying. I went back into the house and continued with my day.

I had dreaded any intitial contact with him (we have haven't spoken at all for 3 months), but I have to admit that there were no tears on my part, and the contact didn't upset me nearly as much as I would have thought. I was actually pretty proud of myself that he didn't get to see me be anything but very calm, distant, and neutral with him.

So am I correct that this was a hoover attempt, and he was most likely trying to find a way to suck me back into his emotional realm? That's what I saw it as anyway.

iAmMINE's picture

Yes it was an attempt... and you did very well!!!! ~~~~~ “The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don’t give them,” --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf :)

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

wholeagain's picture

Yes, this was definitely a hoover attempt, the whiny variety which is always the most pitiful when we can see through it. I'm very impressed with how you handled him, good for you! You should feel proud about that (and relieved to get past it). Pitiful that he'd scapegoat his daughter, it does sound like he knows better than to try to scapegoat you ever again.
almostlydia's picture

You did fantastic! God I hope I have your clarity when I run into the exN again. He was trying and you stood your ground. I'm saying Amen here. almostlydia