Holy Sh*T! I got a month NC!

30 days = a month! says me! I have a month NC.

So.. I've bitten off about 4 finger nails, I have had some seriously dellusional paranoid thoughts like the one where it was OW car cuz of Illinois license plates.... cuz that NEVER happens in Wisconsin..... or (this is a goodie!) i walk in to class and see a gal who has what I think is a similiar haircut to OW and is wearing a lime green shirt (which is my favorite color) and she looks meek hearted and I flip out and get it in my head it is OW, and N talked her in to getting in my group for school. I'm thinking I need to quit school. (Poor grace has to text my ass out of the tree on that one, it took 20 minutes).

I have had urges to do drivebys, urges to seek revenge, urges to snoop.

I have had flashes where stuff starts coming together and making sense and I get extreme anger when I start to realize what that guy REALLY did to me. And how long it went on and how I just didn't really even see alot of it.

I have had shame. For staying in it for so long, thinking I should have known better. Shame for wondering what is it about me that makes me do stuff like that.

But... for the most part, I have not left reality for these 30 days. Thanks to this board and my new friends here and my bad ass therapist.

I'm learning tools to get through the emotions and pain here and I'm learning tools that I can use so that this never happens to me again.

I'm starting to process the emotions and thoughts thru quicker. What used to reside for days or hours, I can sometimes process thru in minutes.

I am willing to sit and let it process.

I do not have any thoughts of compassion for the N. Every once in a while I feel bad for the OW.

I am grateful for the lessons I am learning. And I'm excited to become a better me.

I don't want him back. I actually wish he would go to hell. I'm not certain I could keep my mouth shut and not tell him to royally fuck off, if the opportunity arose. And it wouldn't even matter to me if it phased him or not. I still have thoughts that the opportunity to do that or to get even by telling OW will make me feel better.

The difference today is, I know, for SURE, it won't help my healing. I might get some momentary high from it, but later, I would probably sit and wonder how it affected them and then come up with some other crazy thing I needed to do to find out how the first crazy thing I did worked out.

I just keep trying to let the thoughts flow thru and leave.

I'm so grateful for this board. OMG - it has made all the difference. I am doing alot of things different already.

I'm still pretty whacked though, so .... stay tuned...

round3