His silence is making me question everything

Also, here's another way to think of it that has helped me, because I'd say for me the hardest thing has been dealing with silent treatment and battling back and forth for the "torch of the last word" as I like to call it, lol. Think of it like this- I'm willing to bet that with his silent treatment in the past, you'd be the first one to break contact and attempt to get in touch, amirite? If that is the case, then that's all he is waiting for right now... he's imagining you squirming in your chair, upset that he hasn't answered back, and then giving up and trying to get in touch. They LOVE that. That's the ultimate supply right there, having you reach out to them even though they are disrespecting you. If you meet his silence with silence and no contact of your own, eventually that silent treatment from him turns into silent treatment from YOU, because you haven't caved like they expected. Eventually he'll be the one squirming. But as others have stated, getting involved in a power struggle over this is a slippery slope to getting sucked back into this mess. At some point you do need to make that silence serious and final.

HUNTER IS RIGHT. They are purposely being silent because they KNOW it upsets you. Trust me on this! My ex is a legitimate, diagnosed psychopath and he admitted that he was probably a narc too, and he said when someone upsets him, he cuts off all contact and pretends they don't exist because he knows that the silence will crush them. "There are no words as harsh and hurtful as silence". This is a punishment and they know it makes normal, feeling humans squirm.

Hi, Im new here. Mine is doing the same thing.I backed off from him and told him I will call him when im ready to have contact (too hard to say goodbye so im taking it one day at a time). He let it go for a while, and his silence really through me off--the same way its doing to you. But right when i was having a good day, and starting to be okay, he called. He really messed me up with that phone call, i dont know how.I think its because my mind is really trying to settle on the fact that he doesnt truly love me and never will. So when he told me he missed me and loves me, it upsets me cause he's lying and confusing me. Its not fair for him to say he loves me and wants to make things work,when he knows already (from me telling him countless times) what i expect from him/whats wrong, and refuses to do anything about it. I never asked him for anything unreasonable. just for things that a normal relationship has.He's like somebody that sees a person choking and says "wow, i would give anything to help you"...but just stands there. Its upsetting. Im almost sure the silence is a revenge/control thing. My boyfriend has always been like that. No matter how hurtful he's been, if i back up for even a few days, he doesnt admit he's mad but will always find a way to get back at me, and feel in control again.

Hi You are still not understanding the "Twisted Pretzels" (Lots of Pretzels in Germany, I was just there) He is punishing you with the silent treatment. You need to understand they don't think like us. His Silence is his way of saying "Fuck YOu,Im in control" Hunter

P.S. Mine also used the words "sorry it had to end this way" when he ditched me repeatedly. It's like they are all cut from the same cloth. Ugh, good riddance. XXX

I can completely understand your distress. It is acute and severe in the first weeks and months after the break-up. You are on the initial stages and you need to be patient with yourself. I asked myself all of those questionsn and a tonne to boot and I used that same word - 'validation'. It's like unless you have some form of confirmation that you meant something, that they missed you, then it was all for nothing. I can tell you I have been there and you WILL come through this. The other thing I agree with is that you will hear from him again. My mother warned me of the same about mine and she was right every time. The thing is - and I agree with another poster here - you will need to have every last bit of your resolve and courage together to resist it when it happens. I didn't - I got sucked back in (as my mother and friends warned me) only for him to flick me away once he knew the game was up and the time was ripe for him to discard me. Like you I ended it the first time round and my ex was so power and control mad, the machinations to get me back and do the final dumping were, I am sure, quite planned out. DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT EDGE. Stand firm, stay true to yourself and remember the pain he has caused you. if in doubt re-read your posts until you are absolutely confident you can deal with it. Come on here and shout it out, cry it out until you feel you have a handle on it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Good luck XXXX

Hmm I think your at the stage where you want him to contact you so you can have the power of not responding. Everyone goes through that. The problem is when they do contact with their narc speak it's very hard not to respond. Silence Is much better- trust me on that. Even if he contacted you it wouldn't mean that he cares- he doesn't, he's a narc. Not contacting doesn't mean he cares any less- it's impossible, he doesn't care about anyone! I'm getting the silent treatment too, I have to admit I love it. It keeps me from analyzing his psycho babble and getting sucked into that world. Silence is golden. Enjoy the peace while you have it, they almost always come back!

Hi ....and welcome. Sorry for your pain. We have all been there. I ended the relationship with mine...but, the pain was still there, and the healing still needed to happen. No matter who breaks up with who, the pain is still there. I'm over two months broken up with my ex now, and I have to tell you something--IT DOES GET MUCH BETTER. I PROMISE. But, let me also tell you. Your statement about needing his validation. THAT. Is what you need to fix about you. That is what I needed to fix about me. I no longer need nor want his validation. I wasted so much time and energy yearning for it. And when I really reflected as to why that was, it was due to childhood trauma, and not receiving the love and validation every child needs as a kid. I carried that yearning into my adult relationships with men. Narcs and psychopaths were what I ended up with, because they prey on the weak. Yes, I was weak! But, with God, all things are possible. I have prayed for strength. I've been off of this site for a little while healing. Sometimes, commenting on my story, sets me back. But, I read your story here, and thought it was worth chiming in today...if nothing else, for you to know you're not alone in seeking validation. But, he is not responsible for your validation. You are. Seek your worth through God. Through yourself. Only then, will you be set free of this man. BUT, it will take time. You will be mad...sad...happy...sad...mad...all in the same day! haha :D But, rest assure. It gets better. PLEASE stay NC. No matter what he does or says...just let him go. He doesn't belong in your mind, heart or life. And I highly recommend deleting him off FB, and any other site or source that you are linked up to him or mutual friends. Mutual ''friends'' will stab you in the back when it comes to this--trust me, I lived through it. I had to cut them off, one by one. And that is tremendously hard. To literally change your life as you knew it, but it doesn't have to happen over night. Take each day as it comes. But, please stay NC. That is the best piece of advice you will get here. And work on why you feel you need his validation. In that, will come freedom and peace. {{hugs}}

It is important to know one thing here........he is NEVER sorry, and NEVER will be. He is incapable unfortunately. He is and asshole, yes,but not JUST an asshole, he is also a narc. He WILL contact you. Do not doubt that. You must be as prepared for that as you possibly can be. And, it does not matter if he moves, where he moves to.......he will and can make you suffer from across the globe just as easy as in your backyard. These things I know. Hang in there, get your ducks in line and prepare for what's to come.......because it will come. What you do with it,once it does is in your control and yours only. We are here for you always. Good luck and keep us posted!

I promise you that him being silent is much easier than him being in your face everyday. Mine won't leave me alone. He calls, text, emails and harasses the hell out of me. He keeps me confused and crazy! Take this quiet time and heal yourself. A friend told me one time during one of my many whining and crying fits that this is not about HIM.....it's about ME and how I react. She is right. React to his silence by focusing on YOU! I PROMISE you that it will make you feel so much better. Good luck! Sara

I'd warn you now that if you're "going NC" for the purpose of making him contact you, you're just trying to play him at his own games. No Contact is about stopping him from abusing you, and stopping yourself from weakening and getting sucked back in. It's not about manipulating him into doing what you want by punishing him. I know it's hard, but stuff like that just doesn't work with narcs.

No, I doubt you're wrong about it. That's his smoke and mirrors, at work on your psyche. Besides, I'm getting the silent treatment, too. It feels different this time. It feels out of my hands, but off my back, and quite frankly, freeing. Good riddance to him! Resentment, confusion, second-guessing of the self, mind-numbing drama... who needs any of it? The ones who want to be in your life, are already in it.

Heres a link to the "silent treatment " it is just about the most incidious for of abuse there is ... Please try and see him not contacting you as time that you can read as much as possible about the condition .. It hurts sooo much , i know , but in the months to come with NC you will see what you where dealing with and healing ...keep strong .. xx http://abuse101.com/silenttreatmentandabuse.html