His initials D"Narcissist"H....and I am scared of a relapse

Everyday I am still struggling and trying to heal- I would love if I woke up tomorrow without the desire to still have him back. This is my first post, and it has nearly been 2 years since my ex basically abandoned me. He had his reasons right?! His mother had been sick, he told me he had no choice and of course didn't want to leave but it was the only option for him- I guess that makes sense?! But was it fair to be informed the day before he left? We lived together and he hid a couple suitcases in the car (that I gave him) of the things he wanted, and left all his unwanted belongings and garbage including me behind. He said I would be okay without him because I have lots of friends and family, he was the one who was going to have a hard time being away from me and having to move and all. Just a month prior to that we had taken our first vacation together back to where he lived because he finally wanted to introduce me to his hometown and extended family. Our relationship of course was not perfect, He enjoyed drinking far to much, and became a very mean demeaning person most of the time he hit the bottle. He was always quick to apologize the next day and always said he didn't really remember acting that way and meant none of it. I never really knew what a narcissist was but have become fixated on reading about it a couple weeks ago, trying anything to help myself move on. I am pretty certain that he is one thinking back to our relationship together. The last couple days I am having second thoughts and telling myself once again like always that he must just be lost and hurting- because I am.. we always shared the same thoughts and emotions, I want to believe that some part of him was real and true. As I reread what I am typing now it seems screamingly obvious. How do you get over these days where you end up lying to yourself? These are the hardest- They make me want to text him to see if he wants me today to or not! There is more to my story, like the part where he has a new girlfriend (victim) who he kept around while we dated, the first time he left me, the occasions he calls me drunk and the decision I made impulsively to get on an airplane to see him this summer.. but I will start with the beginning. Slow and steady one day at a time is how I am living.. or not living at the moment. Everyday I encounter a new feeling, is this normal? I want to get over him now, so the day he does appear back in my life I can not even think twice. I am still so weak secretly waiting and wanting.

Thank you for your support, I have been reading the forum and find it helpful.

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